board eithics/interactions

[Guest guest]

Okay I'll be the first one to change the title of the thread...hope my post

doesn't get lost now I'd like to throw in my two cents in this as well as

recently I got very triggered and left for a few days. What was a learning

experience for me is that no matter how safe this or any other board may appear,

if you are exposing deeply private information and feelings it is possible that

someone may respond uncompassionately or simply say something that hits the

wrong nerve. It is a risk we take by discussing these things on a internet

forum with countless anonymous members. Also a risk that comes through the

printed medium - tone isn't present, you can't see the other person's body

language.

On this group more than most I've been on, hostile events are very very rare.

On the other " children of " type boards I've been on usually the key thing that

spins things off in a bad direction is when someone is accused of being " just

like the (fill in blank with parent's illness) " often recovery from that can

take a long time, maybe never for a list. I actually missed the posts which

started all of this to begin with.

Let's call it a clean slate and keep this board a safe space for everyone.

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> Coal Miner's Daughter,I second your motion that it is time to stop commenting

with these two names in the subject line.

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> I am also absolutely certain that no harm whatsoever was intended with

the original subject line--in fact,the total opposite: the original poster was

sincerely concerned about the people here feeling upset.

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> I am sorry that my thread " A Message To Our Newer Members " was

distressing to you.That was a tough call for me to make,in deciding to post it

to the board,but I feel strongly that this message board needs to be a safe

space where the members can find acceptance for the working out of issues

without undue judgement.I tried to confine my comments to three issues I have

seen come up again and again during my time here: infant abuse,sexual abuse,how

both relate to having had a BPD parent--as well as what a sore spot it is for

many of us to be told *by others not from our own personal analysis* that our

issues as nons and our experiences as nons are the same as exhibiting the

symptoms of BPD or that those experiences would have automatically doomed us to

" having " BPD.

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> This is a message board for people who self identify as NON BPD.Often

the members here are struggling with BPD fleas or questioning whether they

themselves might have acquired BPD or the traits of BPD from having been raised

and abused by a BPD parent.The choice to post those kinds of questions and

comments to the board is,I think,something that is best left to the individual

judgement of participating members.However,for another member to suggest that

someone here " has " (or would have) BPD because of certain abusive experiences in

childhood,is in my opinion,unhelpful and invalidating.We don't " accuse " other

members here of having BPD.None of us here are qualified to diagnose other

members.I would hope that if a member here posted about *their own* concerns of

possibly having BPD or having BPD traits or fleas that their concerns would be

met with compassion but that is very very different from having one member infer

from another member's post that they " seem like " a BPD or that the other

member's abuse issues/experiences would have " given " them BPD.

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> I hesitated to respond directly to the messages from a couple of newer

members who had globally linked sexual abuse and abuse in infancy with having

BPD because I honestly didn't--and don't now-- believe that either of them had

any malicious intent.I was concerned because often this message board is the one

place where people can go who either can't afford therapy or who haven't been

able to find a therapist who really " gets it " .I have been participating here for

a while and I have seen arguments start or people hurt because of posts that

were perceived as condemning judgement calls and although this message board

isn't about sexual abuse or abuse in infancy in particular because I know that

many members here have suffered such abuse as a direct result of having had a

BPD parent,I was concerned that those members would feel that this board isn't a

safe place to voice their experiences and pain if other members continued to

link sexual abuse/infant abuse with " having " BPD or with something negative.So I

felt the need to nip that in the bud before it resulted in an argument or hurt

feelings.

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> We share our personal experiences and stories here and we offer advice

based on what has worked for us in dealing with our BPD family members.If a

member here chooses *of their own volition* to post about concerns they

personally have about *their own* possible BPD or traits or fleas,that is like I

said a personal decision that I hope would be received here with compassion and

respect.But what we don't do here is make unqualified assumptions or global

generalizations about another member " having " BPD in any way shape or form.Nor

do we suggest that having issues such as sexual abuse or infant abuse make an

individual a priori dysfunctional or put a dooming/condemning spin on it.

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> My intention in starting that thread wasn't for new members to feel

unwelcome but to ensure that all of us here feel safe.We are kind of winging it

here since this group doesn't have an active facilitator.I guess the best way to

" police " ourselves here is to follow the golden rule: " If that was my

experience,how would I want to be treated? " Which I think you have adhered to

quite admirably in your posts and again I apologize for any unintended distress

caused by my thread.

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