Re: Re: punishing super ego?

[Guest guest]

Thank you . That sounds exactly like my situation and also how I view

myself.

My mom was (and is) morbidly obese with a long history of self-damaging eating

habits. I, on the other hand, gain 15 pounds and I'm joining weight watchers. My

mom idealizes me a lot but anytime I don't agree with her or tell her the

opposite of what she wants to hear, all of a sudden I am " so negative and

critical of everything about life. You're such a downer to be around " .

I too have worked hard to " make something of myself " . I can totally relate to

everything you said. My brothers are the opposite and struggle with focusing on

life goals and tend to flounder a bit with decisions. One in particular is very

affected by my mom's actions and gets his comfort through alcohol and women.

I just refuse to be like her. I refuse to let her affect me. I remember being

embarrassed as a child in church because my mom sat in the choir loft and always

looked like the most hateful person in church with the scowl on her face. I make

it a point to smile and be outgoing to everyone I meet.

I think you're right - its your way of fighting back. I guess in the process I

have to be mindful that all the " fighting " doesn't push me right into BPD

symptoms of my own!

FLN

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, December 5, 2010 8:18:39 AM

Subject: Re: punishing super ego?

For me, I don't do these things to win their love. It is an " addiction to

busyness " that I seem to have, a way to keep myself busy so I don't have to

think about them. Also, even though my nada mostly thought I could do no wrong

(splitting me and my brother usually), when I went out into the real world, I

felt very different from everyone else because of my messed up family. I was

very marginalized in the middle class community where I grew up, most people did

not have blatantly crazy parents, so I had to " make something of myself " . It

worked. Most people tell me all the time, " I don't know how you do it. You've

done so well. You turned out so great considering all you've been through. " It

was my way of fighting back. I never felt good enough however, not for my

parents, but for the world. I also had to make some tough decisions later in

life, going NC with nada and that made me feel like a selfish, bad person, so I

had to do all this stuff to prove I was a good person who works hard to make the

best life for her family. My goal in life is to provide my family with the

opposite of what I had. Nada would never work hard like me, she never worked,

never went to school, never cooked, never cleaned the house, never took us to

activities, just wallowed in her own depression. I have to prove to everyone

(mostly myself) that I am nothing like her.

> >

> > I went to what was supposed to be my last therapy appt. I've been going for

>4-5 years, on and off. Today my therapist uncovered something new. Something so

>HUGE that I am shocked we never discussed it before. We were wrapping up all of

>my achievements. Then we went over what I felt might be my challenges/pitfalls

>and how to cope if things come up. Somehow in explaining how the " never enough "

>voice pops up, quieter now but nonetheless annoying. For example, in school if

>the coach said run 3 miles on saturday I would run 5. I would never tell

anyone,

>I just felt that I had to do more to be equal. I recently decided to finish my

>degree after 15 years. I was advised to take 1 to 2 classes. No more for my 1st

>semester back after such a long break. So, feeling like I have no excuse for

not

>taking more because I am a stay-at-home mom I took 3. I have 4 kids-ages 7-12!

I

>know I mention this a lot but 2 are autistic. The autism is by far THE BIGGEST

>CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE. It pretty much runsDid I cut myself ANY slack so I could

>ENJOY school? Nope! So my therapist says this is my " punishing super ego " . I

>have to guess that this is due to nada constantly telling me I am lazy,

selfish,

>don't deserve anything positive, every bad thing that happened was because I

DID

>deserve it. She hated when I would relax-even as an adult. I had 4 kids 5 and

>under and if I took 5 min to myself she would tell me my husband would leave me

>because my house was messy, I was lazy, he worked hard at his job so I should

>work hard at mine etc. It got to the point that I didnt feel I deserved more

>than 3 hours of sleep.

>

> > So I am wondering if any of you have experience with this, especially

>RECOVERY from it. Im not able to go back for awhile and I just think this

>explains SOOOO much.

> >

>