Well here goes nothing, trying to explain to my family...

December 5, 2010

Hi,

This scares me silly, so I thought I would post about it. I have just finished

writing a letter to my family members closest to me (my sisters and

grandparents) to try and explain everything that has been happened with my Nada.

I will post it / email it to them tomorrow (they all live in another state). I

have never really opened myself up to them like this and I know it leaves me

vulnerable, but I feel that I need to try and explain to them and show them what

has been happening. I feel that I not only need to do it for them, as they have

been dragged into the drama of the last couple of months, but that I also need

to do it for myself. I tried to tell myself that they really couldn't do

anything worse than had already happened, but even as I tried to convince myself

of this, I knew I was lying to myself. My psychologist didn't let me get away

with this. But I feel I need to do it and that it is the right thing to do, even

if it scares the crap out of me. Even to the point that I have avoided it for

this last week. Finally got myself to finish it tonight.

Family Christmas is in a fortnight and I wanted them to receive this before then

as well, as I knew they wouldn't understand the space I will be keeping from my

Nada at that time. She has never done anything to me physically either, but I

don't think I can stand even the physical contact and I know she will try and

hug me as she is behaving like I have made everything up over the past couple of

months and acting like nothing has happened. I don't think I could stand the

physical contact at the moment, I just want her to leave me alone. It has been

so peaceful and my stress levels so much less since I have had virtually no

contact with her (I ignored any texts she sent me) this year. In some ways I

kind of wish she'd go a bit ballistic at the family christmas, so the rest of

the family could see what I see when she gets me alone (which, by the way, will

NOT BE HAPPENING this Christmas). I even have an escape plan that if things get

bad, I pack up and I drive home (ah the joys of living in another state!).

But it scares me silly, sending my thoughts, feelings and my experiences to my

family. The same family who does not want to believe anything is wrong. Who

believes, hey she loves me deep down, so nothing else really matters. I don't

know if they will listen, or even choose to believe a word that I have said. I

don't explain things very well verbally, but I do better written and I need them

to know where I am coming from before I face them in a fortnight. And I want

them to know. Besides I kept my Nada's emails and have included them to show

them some of the things she said. But if they are determined to not want to

believe me, they will probably ignore all this. And I know they have been under

her manipulations for such a long time, and they got most of the good stuff, I

took most of the crap. If I keep going on like this, I might just talk myself

out of it!

So long my Nada has gotten away with her behaviour because it has been behind

closed doors. I want to throw them wide open. I can't make my family see, but I

can at least open the doors, so that they can, if they choose to. And if that is

their choice, then I can make mine to truly walk away.

I just wanted to post this, as you guys understand what it is like. My friends

are wonderful people, but they don't understand. Things have been tough this

year, I have been depressed and often a bit of a bitch (particularly at work).

So I think people are getting sick of me trying to work through it (plus a lot

of other stuff - death and illness in the family always make things more

challenging) They don't really understand what it is to go through to try and

break out of the FOG. Particularly when you have to do it alone as your family

doesn't want to know. It is hard to not have anyone else who understands here,

which is why it is so good to have this and be able to talk to you guys!

I can't wait until Christmas is over, so much stress!

Jodie

December 6, 2010

>

Family Christmas is in a fortnight and I wanted them to receive this before

then as well, as I knew they wouldn't understand the space I will be keeping

from my Nada at that time. She has never done anything to me physically either,

but I don't think I can stand even the physical contact and I know she will try

and hug me as she is behaving like I have made everything up over the past

couple of months and acting like nothing has happened. I don't think I could

stand the physical contact at the moment, I just want her to leave me alone. It

has been so peaceful and my stress levels so much less since I have had

virtually no contact with her (I ignored any texts she sent me) this year. In

some ways I kind of wish she'd go a bit ballistic at the family christmas, so

the rest of the family could see what I see when she gets me alone (which, by

the way, will NOT BE HAPPENING this Christmas). I even have an escape plan that

if things get bad, I pack up and I drive home (ah the joys of living in another

state!).

>

I definitely understand. I went to a reunion of my mom's side once, and she

kept trying to sit next to me and put her arm around me. It made me want to

wretch. I decided to ask her just to stop touching me altogether.

I hope everything goes well...I sometimes fantasize about sending something like

that to my family--or to the whole world for that matter--to tell them all what

my sister and I have gone through. But for me it doesn't seem like it would

really help anything right now, as I'm not really close to any of her family. I

did tell my cousin on my dad's side, and her response was really validating and

understanding. So, I hope that you find what you are looking for. I think

there can be value in just standing up and speaking the truth. And I think you

sound prepared to deal with the fact that a lot of people don't want to hear the

truth. Be ready for those who will think you are mean or crazy, and for those

who will want to help you " work through " the problems you have with your nada.

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you with the process, and that you have

thought out an escape plan.

I wish you the best,

KT

December 6, 2010