Re: punishing super ego?

December 4, 2010

((((my4fireflies)))) = a big virtual hug for you. I don't have your experience

exactly, but I was, like you, expected to be perfect... and I failed.

Nothing that I did was ever good enough for my nada; I was/am always a failure

in her eyes. I never gave her the fame, the wealth, and the public adulation

she craved for herself. I never gave her that, and she let me know how

disappointed she was with me both directly and indirectly, disappointed that I

failed her expectations, my whole freaking life.

It is difficult to forgive ourselves for failing in our parent's expectations of

us.

But once you accept that *the expectation is not realistic,* it is possible.

Nobody on this earth is perfect or capable of perfection, and that is OK as long

as we try our best.

It was *wrong* of our nadas to make us suffer and make us hate ourselves because

we are not perfect nor capable of achieving perfection. It is actually rather

cruel to expect that of a fellow human being, to expect that of one's child.

Nada herself is not perfect; yet we do not punish her for that, do we? No, we

don't.

All we ask for is kindness and acceptance in our imperfection, as we give

acceptance and kindness to others. We ask for and expect so little.

-Annie

>

> I went to what was supposed to be my last therapy appt. I've been going for

4-5 years, on and off. Today my therapist uncovered something new. Something so

HUGE that I am shocked we never discussed it before. We were wrapping up all of

my achievements. Then we went over what I felt might be my challenges/pitfalls

and how to cope if things come up. Somehow in explaining how the " never enough "

voice pops up, quieter now but nonetheless annoying. For example, in school if

the coach said run 3 miles on saturday I would run 5. I would never tell anyone,

I just felt that I had to do more to be equal. I recently decided to finish my

degree after 15 years. I was advised to take 1 to 2 classes. No more for my 1st

semester back after such a long break. So, feeling like I have no excuse for not

taking more because I am a stay-at-home mom I took 3. I have 4 kids-ages 7-12! I

know I mention this a lot but 2 are autistic. The autism is by far THE BIGGEST

CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE. It pretty much runsDid I cut myself ANY slack so I could

ENJOY school? Nope! So my therapist says this is my " punishing super ego " . I

have to guess that this is due to nada constantly telling me I am lazy, selfish,

don't deserve anything positive, every bad thing that happened was because I DID

deserve it. She hated when I would relax-even as an adult. I had 4 kids 5 and

under and if I took 5 min to myself she would tell me my husband would leave me

because my house was messy, I was lazy, he worked hard at his job so I should

work hard at mine etc. It got to the point that I didnt feel I deserved more

than 3 hours of sleep.

> So I am wondering if any of you have experience with this, especially RECOVERY

from it. Im not able to go back for awhile and I just think this explains SOOOO

much.

>

December 4, 2010

Oh Yeah, I am EXACTLY, EXACTLY like you! EXACTLY! I have three kids that are

one after the other in age one or two years apart. I worked full time while

having them, and nursed each one for 18 months, 13 months, 10 months. At the

same time as I was working and perpetually pregnant or lactating, I was also

doing a Masters Degree which required hours of travel to and from my classes, as

well as a thesis/internship. My job was as a teacher, so needless to say, I was

the type of teacher who always took on every volunteer activity in the school

and brought home tons of correcting and preparing. I had my kids in swimming,

skating, art, dancing, etc. My husband was also working full time and doing his

Masters degree. We decided being with a parent was better for our kids than

daycare, so we alternated all of our shifts so that we had no time together as a

couple, but instead a parent was always available. We had no family supports.

My family has only nada, fada and a brother who, I don't even know his

diagnosis, but not good, my nada alienated all my extended family years ago, so

I know none of them. My hubby's parents are both deceased and we moved from our

hometown for work/career, but also to get away from nada. Oh, and while I was

doing my Masters, working, having three kids, I decided I would also do all the

pre-requisites for another degree I will pursue later. (Now have the Masters

and am pursuing the other degree). My nickname at work and in my classes is

" sucker for punishment " as I would often do three Masters courses per semester

while working (the limit is one per semester). My self-punishing, masochisstic

super ego. It also wakes me up at night with horrific nightmares that I am not

a good person. So, yeah, I GET IT!!!!! You wanna know what slowed me (a bit).

I got sick . I developed an autoimmune disease which forced me to give up my

job. I still beat myself up about that am trying to heal and get back on the

horse and back to work, but my doctor warns me not to go back to the old me, in

fact, she says, my body will continue to make me sick as long as I am still

determined to go back to the old me. Maybe there is a power higher than the

super ego? My next step is to do more mindfulness work, and get in touch with

the higher power in me that made me stop by making me sick. I hope this does

not happen to you. Sounds like you've had a lightbulb moment, so follow where

it takes you!