Re: A Good Dream - Do you have them?

[Guest guest]

Hey All,

More dreams of resolution. I am making boundaries in my dreams and feeling good

about it. Loving this. Does anyone else notice healing reflected in dreams?

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

>

> Last night I had a good dream.

>

> I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on facebook.

In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I didn't think

they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on the bus

hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or feel a

sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay. I

felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

>

> I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

>

> Thank you, friends.

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Hey All,

More dreams of resolution. I am making boundaries in my dreams and feeling good

about it. Loving this. Does anyone else notice healing reflected in dreams?

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

>

> Last night I had a good dream.

>

> I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on facebook.

In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I didn't think

they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on the bus

hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or feel a

sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay. I

felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

>

> I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

>

> Thank you, friends.

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Yes! I have totally noticed that my healing is reflected in my dreams.

Don't get me started,lol,I have very vivid dreams,many with recurring themes

that have resolved themselves bit by bit over time as I have worked on my issues

and memories.

I used to have NOTHING but nightmares,generally involving feelings of abject

helplessness.But more and more I am having just dreams,not nightmares,and in

these dreams I am making good decisions on my own behalf.Most of them are still

kind of weird,but some of them are even pleasant! I do believe that healing

progress can be marked by how our dreams evolve into feeling more in control of

what's going on in them,for sure

> >

> > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> >

> > Last night I had a good dream.

> >

> > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> >

> > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> >

> > Thank you, friends.

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have had the same two recurring dreams since the 80's.

They are both mom induced.

One) I am engaged, I have a ring on my finger, but can't remember who I am

getting married to, and I know I haven't spoken to him in years...so it's an

empty, confusing feeling...like I am not living my own life and I was forgotten

about.

This dream happens because for years, my mom traumatized me over my love for my

first boyfriend. We were going to marry, but she tortured us til we broke up 7

years later...such a nightmare that I will never get over.

Two) I am somewhere, anywhere...and someone sticks their pointer finger and

middle finger together into my stomach...the pain is so great that I can't

breathe in my sleep. I ultimately wake up because I can't breathe. While I am

sleeping, and in pain and can't breathe, the faceless person is laughing at me

while I try to tell him/her to stop.

This BPD stuff is not easy.

Amy

Re: A Good Dream - Do you have them?

Yes! I have totally noticed that my healing is reflected in my dreams.

Don't get me started,lol,I have very vivid dreams,many with recurring themes

that have resolved themselves bit by bit over time as I have worked on my issues

and memories.

I used to have NOTHING but nightmares,generally involving feelings of abject

helplessness.But more and more I am having just dreams,not nightmares,and in

these dreams I am making good decisions on my own behalf.Most of them are still

kind of weird,but some of them are even pleasant! I do believe that healing

progress can be marked by how our dreams evolve into feeling more in control of

what's going on in them,for sure

> >

> > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> >

> > Last night I had a good dream.

> >

> > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> >

> > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> >

> > Thank you, friends.

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Interesting topic. My situation is this: I never remember my dreams. Maybe one

dream every two years I'll remember. I know I have them -- but as soon as I

become even slightly awake, they're totally gone. However, the creepy thing is

that for the last few years, EVERY SINGLE DAY, as soon as I become even slightly

awake, I have a weird sense, almost a dreamlike visual image, of my head being

beaten in by some large weapon like a club or a mallet. I lie there, and this

unprovoked scenario starts automatically, the weapon swinging swinging swinging,

my head being obliterated. Sometimes I am also kicked or beaten in the stomach.

Oddly, this doesn't hurt. I get no sense of pain, just of this relentless

assault and injury -- as if it was somehow necessary. Why does this happen? Why

does it not hurt? Surely it relates somehow to being a KO, because it's clearly

my subconscious in action, but how? Maybe it reflects my low self-esteem, like I

" deserve " to have my head beaten in because I've been trying to live my own life

(not LC or NC, just trying to be a separate human being in any way possible).

Maybe I'm being attacked for trying to escape. Could it be that simple? Does

anyone else have these weird non-dream automatic repeating images?

[Guest guest]

Interesting topic. My situation is this: I never remember my dreams. Maybe one

dream every two years I'll remember. I know I have them -- but as soon as I

become even slightly awake, they're totally gone. However, the creepy thing is

that for the last few years, EVERY SINGLE DAY, as soon as I become even slightly

awake, I have a weird sense, almost a dreamlike visual image, of my head being

beaten in by some large weapon like a club or a mallet. I lie there, and this

unprovoked scenario starts automatically, the weapon swinging swinging swinging,

my head being obliterated. Sometimes I am also kicked or beaten in the stomach.

Oddly, this doesn't hurt. I get no sense of pain, just of this relentless

assault and injury -- as if it was somehow necessary. Why does this happen? Why

does it not hurt? Surely it relates somehow to being a KO, because it's clearly

my subconscious in action, but how? Maybe it reflects my low self-esteem, like I

" deserve " to have my head beaten in because I've been trying to live my own life

(not LC or NC, just trying to be a separate human being in any way possible).

Maybe I'm being attacked for trying to escape. Could it be that simple? Does

anyone else have these weird non-dream automatic repeating images?

[Guest guest]

Its funny you bring this up because just the other day I had a strange dream

that was in a weird way soothing to me. In all the dreams I have had since I was

a small small child I was never ever able to defend myself. I was always being

attacked but as soon as the attack would begin I would become paralyzed like a

quadriplegic. I would never be able to help myself and was held completely

helpless.

Well last week for the first time ever in my life nearly 9 years after n/c I had

a dream where I was attacked and for the first I was able to kick the crap out

of my attacker! It felt so good! The attackers kept coming and coming but I was

so strong I was just beating them left and right I was amazed at my strength! I

never knew I had it in me!

In real life I would never want to hurt anyone, but in my dream it felt so good

to be able to finally be able to defend myself for a change!

LB

> >

> > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> >

> > Last night I had a good dream.

> >

> > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> >

> > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> >

> > Thank you, friends.

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Its funny you bring this up because just the other day I had a strange dream

that was in a weird way soothing to me. In all the dreams I have had since I was

a small small child I was never ever able to defend myself. I was always being

attacked but as soon as the attack would begin I would become paralyzed like a

quadriplegic. I would never be able to help myself and was held completely

helpless.

Well last week for the first time ever in my life nearly 9 years after n/c I had

a dream where I was attacked and for the first I was able to kick the crap out

of my attacker! It felt so good! The attackers kept coming and coming but I was

so strong I was just beating them left and right I was amazed at my strength! I

never knew I had it in me!

In real life I would never want to hurt anyone, but in my dream it felt so good

to be able to finally be able to defend myself for a change!

LB

> >

> > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> >

> > Last night I had a good dream.

> >

> > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> >

> > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> >

> > Thank you, friends.

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Awesome dream! Big virtual high five from me! How empowering that must have

felt, congrats! A few years ago I finally had a dream in which I actually

yelled at my nada and just let her have it verbally. The whole truth, nothing

held back, and she just took it, silently! That felt so good!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> > >

> > > Last night I had a good dream.

> > >

> > > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> > >

> > > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> > >

> > > Thank you, friends.

> > >

> > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Awesome dream! Big virtual high five from me! How empowering that must have

felt, congrats! A few years ago I finally had a dream in which I actually

yelled at my nada and just let her have it verbally. The whole truth, nothing

held back, and she just took it, silently! That felt so good!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> > >

> > > Last night I had a good dream.

> > >

> > > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> > >

> > > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> > >

> > > Thank you, friends.

> > >

> > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A BIG Virtual High Five back for yours Annie! Now THAT had to have felt good

dream or real:)! LB

> > > >

> > > > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> > > >

> > > > Last night I had a good dream.

> > > >

> > > > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> > > >

> > > > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> > > >

> > > > Thank you, friends.

> > > >

> > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A BIG Virtual High Five back for yours Annie! Now THAT had to have felt good

dream or real:)! LB

> > > >

> > > > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> > > >

> > > > Last night I had a good dream.

> > > >

> > > > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> > > >

> > > > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> > > >

> > > > Thank you, friends.

> > > >

> > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A BIG Virtual High Five back for yours Annie! Now THAT had to have felt good

dream or real:)! LB

> > > >

> > > > Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

> > > >

> > > > Last night I had a good dream.

> > > >

> > > > I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on

facebook. In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I

didn't think they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on

the bus hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or

feel a sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay.

I felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

> > > >

> > > > I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

> > > >

> > > > Thank you, friends.

> > > >

> > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OMG, lizzyboo (love the name, BTW), I have had that dream so many times, where

I'm completely unable to move. Those were the worst. Nada would just be hitting

me over and over and I couldn't do anything. Or, I could hit, but my hits were

utterly ineffectual, like I was punching or slapping through a thick substance,

and Nada would just keep hitting, smiling because she knew I couldn't do

anything.

I love this thread! I remember one like this several years ago, on The Nook,

where I posted one of the most affirming dreams I've ever had.

A bit of backstory for context.

See, Mom is actually quite good with very young kids, because they don't

" separate " from her as much, and this was especially true of me, because I

wanted to please her so badly that I would just go along with whatever she

wanted and think I was a bad or stupid person for disagreeing with her or making

her angry. In my early 20s, I started to figure out that I couldn't do this my

whole life! But I still felt horribly guilty because (laugh with me here) she

was only abusive *sometimes*, and the rest of the time she was really

affectionate and loving. So even into my 20s, I'd continue to take the abuse. I

was seeing someone at the time (he's now my husband!) and he was the first

person to really see how I was treated. Then I had this dream:

She was screaming over something or other, in a real fine rage. She grabbed a

knife from the dish rack by the kitchen sink and waved it at me. This is

something she has actually done in real life, but hey, it's not that bad,

because even though most of you is terrified, part of you is thinking, " She'd

never actually stab me. " Then she walked over to my boyfriend and waved the

knife in HIS face. And I suddenly thought, " That is so fucked up! " I walked over

and put my hand over her wrist and squeezed until she let go of the knife. I

said, " You will never again wave a knife in my face or anyone else's. "

I woke up feeling so good! I realized that I would never allow her to treat

anyone else the way I let her treat me, so I could feel justified in protecting

myself however I could.

[Guest guest]

That's a very good dream and good realization you had too! It's amazing how some

of the biggest light bulb moments come to us after we get some good solid rest

huh? I think with Nada our minds are always at work and never have real time to

think, but sometimes when I sleep I am able to process my thoughts better than

when I am awake. But I know exactly what you mean about the dreams where you

just have no power, I always had those growing up, it was such a bad feeling.

by the way, thanks about the compliment on my name, one of the joys of the

internet is being able to change who we are right? When I was a kid my nada

would always say she named me a name that means bitter because I am a bitter

person, and my middle name to mean bitter sweet because I am partly sweet part

bitter. So now I chose my nicknames, or pen names, and how I introduce myself

and I don't always tell people my birth name, I often use the name I like to be

called. And as far as the bitter goes…well I do have an extreme love of coffee,

dark chocolate and dry red wine so maybe she was onto something.

Lizzyboo

>

>

> OMG, lizzyboo (love the name, BTW), I have had that dream so many times, where

I'm completely unable to move. Those were the worst. Nada would just be hitting

me over and over and I couldn't do anything. Or, I could hit, but my hits were

utterly ineffectual, like I was punching or slapping through a thick substance,

and Nada would just keep hitting, smiling because she knew I couldn't do

anything.

>

> I love this thread! I remember one like this several years ago, on The Nook,

where I posted one of the most affirming dreams I've ever had.

>

> A bit of backstory for context.

>

> See, Mom is actually quite good with very young kids, because they don't

" separate " from her as much, and this was especially true of me, because I

wanted to please her so badly that I would just go along with whatever she

wanted and think I was a bad or stupid person for disagreeing with her or making

her angry. In my early 20s, I started to figure out that I couldn't do this my

whole life! But I still felt horribly guilty because (laugh with me here) she

was only abusive *sometimes*, and the rest of the time she was really

affectionate and loving. So even into my 20s, I'd continue to take the abuse. I

was seeing someone at the time (he's now my husband!) and he was the first

person to really see how I was treated. Then I had this dream:

>

> She was screaming over something or other, in a real fine rage. She grabbed a

knife from the dish rack by the kitchen sink and waved it at me. This is

something she has actually done in real life, but hey, it's not that bad,

because even though most of you is terrified, part of you is thinking, " She'd

never actually stab me. " Then she walked over to my boyfriend and waved the

knife in HIS face. And I suddenly thought, " That is so fucked up! " I walked over

and put my hand over her wrist and squeezed until she let go of the knife. I

said, " You will never again wave a knife in my face or anyone else's. "

>

> I woke up feeling so good! I realized that I would never allow her to treat

anyone else the way I let her treat me, so I could feel justified in protecting

myself however I could.

>

[Guest guest]

That's a very good dream and good realization you had too! It's amazing how some

of the biggest light bulb moments come to us after we get some good solid rest

huh? I think with Nada our minds are always at work and never have real time to

think, but sometimes when I sleep I am able to process my thoughts better than

when I am awake. But I know exactly what you mean about the dreams where you

just have no power, I always had those growing up, it was such a bad feeling.

by the way, thanks about the compliment on my name, one of the joys of the

internet is being able to change who we are right? When I was a kid my nada

would always say she named me a name that means bitter because I am a bitter

person, and my middle name to mean bitter sweet because I am partly sweet part

bitter. So now I chose my nicknames, or pen names, and how I introduce myself

and I don't always tell people my birth name, I often use the name I like to be

called. And as far as the bitter goes…well I do have an extreme love of coffee,

dark chocolate and dry red wine so maybe she was onto something.

Lizzyboo

>

>

> OMG, lizzyboo (love the name, BTW), I have had that dream so many times, where

I'm completely unable to move. Those were the worst. Nada would just be hitting

me over and over and I couldn't do anything. Or, I could hit, but my hits were

utterly ineffectual, like I was punching or slapping through a thick substance,

and Nada would just keep hitting, smiling because she knew I couldn't do

anything.

>

> I love this thread! I remember one like this several years ago, on The Nook,

where I posted one of the most affirming dreams I've ever had.

>

> A bit of backstory for context.

>

> See, Mom is actually quite good with very young kids, because they don't

" separate " from her as much, and this was especially true of me, because I

wanted to please her so badly that I would just go along with whatever she

wanted and think I was a bad or stupid person for disagreeing with her or making

her angry. In my early 20s, I started to figure out that I couldn't do this my

whole life! But I still felt horribly guilty because (laugh with me here) she

was only abusive *sometimes*, and the rest of the time she was really

affectionate and loving. So even into my 20s, I'd continue to take the abuse. I

was seeing someone at the time (he's now my husband!) and he was the first

person to really see how I was treated. Then I had this dream:

>

> She was screaming over something or other, in a real fine rage. She grabbed a

knife from the dish rack by the kitchen sink and waved it at me. This is

something she has actually done in real life, but hey, it's not that bad,

because even though most of you is terrified, part of you is thinking, " She'd

never actually stab me. " Then she walked over to my boyfriend and waved the

knife in HIS face. And I suddenly thought, " That is so fucked up! " I walked over

and put my hand over her wrist and squeezed until she let go of the knife. I

said, " You will never again wave a knife in my face or anyone else's. "

>

> I woke up feeling so good! I realized that I would never allow her to treat

anyone else the way I let her treat me, so I could feel justified in protecting

myself however I could.

>

[Guest guest]

This dream may not sound like a big deal to someone with a relatively healthy

childhood, but to me it sounds HUGE! What a triumphant dream! I think that's

awesome, and I think your subconscious is trying to tell you that yes, people

like you and yes, you are OK!

Deanna

>

> Nightmares and weirdo stuff is all I used to remember from my dreaming.

Nightmares of nada, variations of nada attacking me, watching others attack me,

standing by while the robber turned into a rabid wolf, etc. I had some good

dreams at times, but there was often this theme of rejection and kids from my

old school not liking me. It's strange because this isn't really based in fact,

just the way I felt inside then. I'm almost 40, for heaven sakes; I don't even

know these people now, so I'm pretty sure it was symbolizing something.

>

> Last night I had a good dream.

>

> I dreamed about some friends in school who recently contacted me on facebook.

In the dream, I was embarrassed because I had blurted out that I didn't think

they liked me. Then, in the next " frame " I'm sitting with them on the bus

hanging out like old pals. I didn't particularly love these people or feel a

sense of homecoming or anything, but just that it was okay. I felt okay. I

felt like they liked me. They did like me. It was a dream of acceptance.

>

> I would like to thank you all for making this possible. I believe it is

because I feel accepted for the first time since I've been writing and reading

here. I feel accepted for who I really am, and I am beginning to accept myself.

I do feel a sense of homecoming here. It's nice to have a place to call home.

(I started in on myself about how pathetic I am that my best friends are online

and don't even know me. Then I said, " Screw that. These people know me better

than anyone else in the world. " )

>

> Thank you, friends.

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

>