Re: How much sympathy should I feel for my Dad?

[Guest guest]

This resonates so much with me, Slingshot. I spent so many years seeing my Dad

as a victim too, and in some ways he was, but one who held himself to his

abuser. I had no choice. And it was his lack of exercising the choice he should

have that makes me resent him after all.

I don't want to resent him, but I find myself backed into the corner of reasoned

conclusions. I am angry that he put me in a toxic hellhole and did nothing to

get me out.

There, I said it.

May we all heal,

Tina

> >

> > Thanks for sharing that, Mainer. I have read posts in some of the " staying "

boards (at WTO and at other support groups) too, just to see if I could get a

handle on why someone would actually *choose* to stay with a mentally ill,

abusive spouse, and have children with such a person. And a lot of the posters'

answers are a lot like yours.

> >

> > I think one of the reasons my dad stayed with my bpd/npd mom is that he

actually loved nada and I believe that they had a good sex life (it was a small

house and sound carries, as we all know) until after dad had a heart attack,

anyway. It would seem that the extreme emotions of bpd can have a beneficial

side-effect in that department: extreme passion.

> >

> > But the kids get no beneficial side-effects from having a bpd parent, all

the kids get is emotional damage.

> >

> > I wish that young couples would just delay having kids for the first 3 or 4

years of marriage just to see if they're both mentally healthy, emotionally

stable, and empathetic enough to be raising children.

> >

> > I think a good rule of thumb is that if your beloved treats you like crap,

he or she is going to treat any children you might have like crap too; or worse.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This resonates so much with me, Slingshot. I spent so many years seeing my Dad

as a victim too, and in some ways he was, but one who held himself to his

abuser. I had no choice. And it was his lack of exercising the choice he should

have that makes me resent him after all.

I don't want to resent him, but I find myself backed into the corner of reasoned

conclusions. I am angry that he put me in a toxic hellhole and did nothing to

get me out.

There, I said it.

May we all heal,

Tina

> >

> > Thanks for sharing that, Mainer. I have read posts in some of the " staying "

boards (at WTO and at other support groups) too, just to see if I could get a

handle on why someone would actually *choose* to stay with a mentally ill,

abusive spouse, and have children with such a person. And a lot of the posters'

answers are a lot like yours.

> >

> > I think one of the reasons my dad stayed with my bpd/npd mom is that he

actually loved nada and I believe that they had a good sex life (it was a small

house and sound carries, as we all know) until after dad had a heart attack,

anyway. It would seem that the extreme emotions of bpd can have a beneficial

side-effect in that department: extreme passion.

> >

> > But the kids get no beneficial side-effects from having a bpd parent, all

the kids get is emotional damage.

> >

> > I wish that young couples would just delay having kids for the first 3 or 4

years of marriage just to see if they're both mentally healthy, emotionally

stable, and empathetic enough to be raising children.

> >

> > I think a good rule of thumb is that if your beloved treats you like crap,

he or she is going to treat any children you might have like crap too; or worse.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This resonates so much with me, Slingshot. I spent so many years seeing my Dad

as a victim too, and in some ways he was, but one who held himself to his

abuser. I had no choice. And it was his lack of exercising the choice he should

have that makes me resent him after all.

I don't want to resent him, but I find myself backed into the corner of reasoned

conclusions. I am angry that he put me in a toxic hellhole and did nothing to

get me out.

There, I said it.

May we all heal,

Tina

> >

> > Thanks for sharing that, Mainer. I have read posts in some of the " staying "

boards (at WTO and at other support groups) too, just to see if I could get a

handle on why someone would actually *choose* to stay with a mentally ill,

abusive spouse, and have children with such a person. And a lot of the posters'

answers are a lot like yours.

> >

> > I think one of the reasons my dad stayed with my bpd/npd mom is that he

actually loved nada and I believe that they had a good sex life (it was a small

house and sound carries, as we all know) until after dad had a heart attack,

anyway. It would seem that the extreme emotions of bpd can have a beneficial

side-effect in that department: extreme passion.

> >

> > But the kids get no beneficial side-effects from having a bpd parent, all

the kids get is emotional damage.

> >

> > I wish that young couples would just delay having kids for the first 3 or 4

years of marriage just to see if they're both mentally healthy, emotionally

stable, and empathetic enough to be raising children.

> >

> > I think a good rule of thumb is that if your beloved treats you like crap,

he or she is going to treat any children you might have like crap too; or worse.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I too have this dilemma, although my dad passed away nineteen years ago. He and

my mother were married for nearly forty years, never divorced, although they

bickered and it was clear that he tuned her out a lot of the time. He also never

rescued me from her rages or helped my self-esteem but rather took out on me

some of his anger toward her, because he could get away with it, with me. I

reminded him of her (duh, because I was a loyal little replica) and so he

screamed at me about those qualities in she and I that he despised.

I was too small and brainwashed to understand what was going on, and just hated

myself more and more. Surely (I thought) I deserved all this yelling.

He told me once, when I was in college, " If I had known then what I had known

now, if I had really known her extended family, I wouldn't have married her. "

But he did. And in many ways it was okay for him. They shared a few interests

and values. They did not want children but were pressured into having one. I was

born with a birth defect, which my self-hating BPD mother obsessed about

endlessly -- this terrible misfortune, was it all her fault, how could God

punish her this way, she deserved a crippled child, everyone is looking at my

crippled child and laughing. Her negative mania over my disability in the first

four years of my life (it was later corrected and is now invisible) made my dad

very angry. He resented me for causing it, for bringing out this awful side of

her, for amping up her depression and self-recrimination and pessimism to the

Nth degree. He never quite forgave me, I think.

[Guest guest]

I too have this dilemma, although my dad passed away nineteen years ago. He and

my mother were married for nearly forty years, never divorced, although they

bickered and it was clear that he tuned her out a lot of the time. He also never

rescued me from her rages or helped my self-esteem but rather took out on me

some of his anger toward her, because he could get away with it, with me. I

reminded him of her (duh, because I was a loyal little replica) and so he

screamed at me about those qualities in she and I that he despised.

I was too small and brainwashed to understand what was going on, and just hated

myself more and more. Surely (I thought) I deserved all this yelling.

He told me once, when I was in college, " If I had known then what I had known

now, if I had really known her extended family, I wouldn't have married her. "

But he did. And in many ways it was okay for him. They shared a few interests

and values. They did not want children but were pressured into having one. I was

born with a birth defect, which my self-hating BPD mother obsessed about

endlessly -- this terrible misfortune, was it all her fault, how could God

punish her this way, she deserved a crippled child, everyone is looking at my

crippled child and laughing. Her negative mania over my disability in the first

four years of my life (it was later corrected and is now invisible) made my dad

very angry. He resented me for causing it, for bringing out this awful side of

her, for amping up her depression and self-recrimination and pessimism to the

Nth degree. He never quite forgave me, I think.