Re: Everything gets so twisted! (Thanksgiving aftermath, part 2)

[Guest guest]

Good Grief. That's why the nickname of the " Cluster B " personality disorders is

" The Drama Club " . Everything is drenched in angst and drama and is So Very,

Very Significant To Nada. Blech! It's so tiresome.

-Annie

>

> I just got off the phone with my sister who was calling because she had just

gotten a call from Nada, sobbing, followed by a lecture from my father on family

traditions.

>

> What started it? My husband had the idea that we could invite my family to

spend Christmas Day with us. He thought my parents would enjoy seeing their

only grandkid open presents and that my siblings would also have fun spending

Christmas with their nephew. I figured no one would be interested in the drive,

but thought they'd like to be invited, so I mentioned it at Thanksgiving.

>

> To my surprise, my brother and SIL seemed genuinely interested and my parents

said that they'd have to think about it, but that it could be fun. However, it

seems nada is going to each of my siblings individually and when she learns that

they are willing to have Christmas at my house (if everyone else is) she's

breaking down and having my dad tell them how " they just want to hold onto

traditions a little longer " .

>

> I only invited people to be nice--I'm not trying to " take over " or " ruin "

anything. If they want to come great, if they don't great. Why does it have to

be such a big deal? And why can't she just tell me that she'd rather have

Christmas at her house? It's only a big deal because she's making it one.

Ugh!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Why oh why do nadas feel like they have to make a big deal out of everything????

Sometimes, I think that holidays would just be soo much better if we could place

a big piece of duck tape over our nada's mouths.

About a month ago, my dad, nada and I were out at dinner. We had a fairly nice

time (I use the term fairly nice because that's all the fun my nada can handle

at a time. Can't have too much fun or happiness, or we might die!) and we got

up to leave. As I pulled my purse up off the floor, it SLIGHTLY brushed up

against my nadas leg. She immediately grabbed her leg and yelled: " OW!!!! "

Nice and loud so that everyone in the restaurant heard, and maybe three or four

people standing outside.

No matter what, it seems that they just have this innate need to spoil

everything. I know its bc they have underlying problems, but I am just so fed

up with it.

-Jade

[Guest guest]

Im getting the same thing right now. Im very LC with my nada, and I have noticed

that she has been trying to call me a lot on my phone (I have caller ID). I got

a SMS from one of my sisters this morning to say that nada had rung her and

asked for my recent number as the one she has for me is " not working " . But that

is enough for my sister to say " no, thats her number, I talked to her

yesterday " , which leads to nada whinging that Im such a bad daughter and can she

please force me to ring her, and acting all pathetic and guilting mt sister into

trying to guilt me for her. Which she always dutifully does.

I replied to my sister not to bother with nadas complaints, I will talk to her

when I have time. Actually, I have absolutely no intention of calling her before

christmas!

Although I am quite happy to let nada hang until I am in the mood to call her, I

get so DAMN ANNOYED that my sister passes on these messages all the time.

>

> I just got off the phone with my sister who was calling because she had just

gotten a call from Nada, sobbing, followed by a lecture from my father on family

traditions.

>

> What started it? My husband had the idea that we could invite my family to

spend Christmas Day with us. He thought my parents would enjoy seeing their

only grandkid open presents and that my siblings would also have fun spending

Christmas with their nephew. I figured no one would be interested in the drive,

but thought they'd like to be invited, so I mentioned it at Thanksgiving.

>

> To my surprise, my brother and SIL seemed genuinely interested and my parents

said that they'd have to think about it, but that it could be fun. However, it

seems nada is going to each of my siblings individually and when she learns that

they are willing to have Christmas at my house (if everyone else is) she's

breaking down and having my dad tell them how " they just want to hold onto

traditions a little longer " .

>

> I only invited people to be nice--I'm not trying to " take over " or " ruin "

anything. If they want to come great, if they don't great. Why does it have to

be such a big deal? And why can't she just tell me that she'd rather have

Christmas at her house? It's only a big deal because she's making it one.

Ugh!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Nadas love holidays, illnesses, funerals...

Any excuse to get all upset and make a scene. It is especially important to

steal the spotlight from the child at Christmas or dead family member in the

coffin, or whatever.

>

> Why oh why do nadas feel like they have to make a big deal out of

everything???? Sometimes, I think that holidays would just be soo much better

if we could place a big piece of duck tape over our nada's mouths.

> > -Jade

>

[Guest guest]

Nadas love holidays, illnesses, funerals...

Any excuse to get all upset and make a scene. It is especially important to

steal the spotlight from the child at Christmas or dead family member in the

coffin, or whatever.

>

> Why oh why do nadas feel like they have to make a big deal out of

everything???? Sometimes, I think that holidays would just be soo much better

if we could place a big piece of duck tape over our nada's mouths.

> > -Jade

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Although I am quite happy to let nada hang until I am in the mood to call her,

I get so DAMN ANNOYED that my sister passes on these messages all the time.

>

Sounds like a good opportunity to communicate your personal limit to your

sister. " I don't like that Mom is using you to send messages to me. I will

talk to her when I am ready. Could you please stop telling me about your

conversations with her? " or some such. If she wants to continue her

relationship with you, she'll respect that.

kt

[Guest guest]

I want to thank everyone for the comments. I appreciate it. I also want to

clarify my sister wasn't calling to be my mom's flying monkey; she was calling

to commiserate. She had just been totally slammed by both my parents and was

calling to get my support and to offer her support. Between the two of us, we

pieced together what Nada was doing.

Again, I'm not frustrated with my sister for calling me. Knowing what my mother

is saying allows me to make sure Nada's smear tactics don't get out of hand. My

siblings know Nada is crazy, but since Nada sometimes acts sane, and I live

further away than everyone else, it is important for to touch base occasionally

to set stories straight.

What I am frustrated about is that Nada has taken my simple offer to share my

home during the holidays and twisted it into some sort of coup to replace her

and is now trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to turn the rest of the family against

me. I'm just mad because it shouldn't have to be this way.

[Guest guest]

My theory is they " make it bad " as a compulsion to control. Any other theories?

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Everything gets so twisted! (Thanksgiving

aftermath, part 2)

Why oh why do nadas feel like they have to make a big deal out of everything????

Sometimes, I think that holidays would just be soo much better if we could place

a big piece of duck tape over our nada's mouths.

About a month ago, my dad, nada and I were out at dinner. We had a fairly nice

time (I use the term fairly nice because that's all the fun my nada can handle

at a time. Can't have too much fun or happiness, or we might die!) and we got

up to leave. As I pulled my purse up off the floor, it SLIGHTLY brushed up

against my nadas leg. She immediately grabbed her leg and yelled: " OW!!!! "

Nice and loud so that everyone in the restaurant heard, and maybe three or four

people standing outside.

No matter what, it seems that they just have this innate need to spoil

everything. I know its bc they have underlying problems, but I am just so fed

up with it.

-Jade

[Guest guest]

>

> Nadas love holidays, illnesses, funerals...

>

> Any excuse to get all upset and make a scene. It is especially important to

steal the spotlight from the child at Christmas or dead family member in the

coffin, or whatever.

OMG! I never even thought of it like that! IT IS SO TRUE!!!! It is always

about them!

[Guest guest]

I think that's part of it. Creating drama puts nada in the spotlight; the

negative interpretations or apocalyptic spin she's putting on the dinner or on

what so-and-so said to her and working herself up into an hysterical frenzy is

making nada the center of attention.

So, yeah, I can buy drama-mongering as a form of control, as it gets all eyes on

nada to help her solve the " problem " she's manufactured and/or soothe her.

I think it could also be analogous to a baby pitching a tantrum; and the best

way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it.

(Although I saw a video about a product that is supposed to stop toddler

tantrums cold! Its just an intense fruit-and-flower concentrated scent, but the

videos sure made it look like when the screaming toddlers smelled the

concentrate they stopped tantruming instantly! I wonder if that would work for

nadas too?)

-Annie

>

> My theory is they " make it bad " as a compulsion to control. Any other

theories?

> Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

>

> Re: Everything gets so twisted! (Thanksgiving

aftermath, part 2)

>

> Why oh why do nadas feel like they have to make a big deal out of

everything???? Sometimes, I think that holidays would just be soo much better

if we could place a big piece of duck tape over our nada's mouths.

>

> About a month ago, my dad, nada and I were out at dinner. We had a fairly

nice time (I use the term fairly nice because that's all the fun my nada can

handle at a time. Can't have too much fun or happiness, or we might die!) and

we got up to leave. As I pulled my purse up off the floor, it SLIGHTLY brushed

up against my nadas leg. She immediately grabbed her leg and yelled: " OW!!!! "

Nice and loud so that everyone in the restaurant heard, and maybe three or four

people standing outside.

>

> No matter what, it seems that they just have this innate need to spoil

everything. I know its bc they have underlying problems, but I am just so fed

up with it.

>

> -Jade

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My comment about setting a boundary with the sister was directed to the poster

called " crazy. " I'm glad things are good with your own sister.

kt

>

> I want to thank everyone for the comments. I appreciate it. I also want to

clarify my sister wasn't calling to be my mom's flying monkey; she was calling

to commiserate. She had just been totally slammed by both my parents and was

calling to get my support and to offer her support. Between the two of us, we

pieced together what Nada was doing.

>

> Again, I'm not frustrated with my sister for calling me. Knowing what my

mother is saying allows me to make sure Nada's smear tactics don't get out of

hand. My siblings know Nada is crazy, but since Nada sometimes acts sane, and I

live further away than everyone else, it is important for to touch base

occasionally to set stories straight.

>

> What I am frustrated about is that Nada has taken my simple offer to share my

home during the holidays and twisted it into some sort of coup to replace her

and is now trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to turn the rest of the family against

me. I'm just mad because it shouldn't have to be this way.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Crazy and others,

Do you think the flying monkeys who send her messages and defend her actions are

" more BPDish " than you? I have noticed that the foo members who do most of her

dirty work have more BPD traits and trouble functioning in their own life than

others of us who kind of gave up the game a while ago.

I wonder if they are, in some projective sense, defending themselves?

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Although I am quite happy to let nada hang until I am in the mood to call her,

I get so DAMN ANNOYED that my sister passes on these messages all the time.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Crazy and others,

Do you think the flying monkeys who send her messages and defend her actions are

" more BPDish " than you? I have noticed that the foo members who do most of her

dirty work have more BPD traits and trouble functioning in their own life than

others of us who kind of gave up the game a while ago.

I wonder if they are, in some projective sense, defending themselves?

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Although I am quite happy to let nada hang until I am in the mood to call her,

I get so DAMN ANNOYED that my sister passes on these messages all the time.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'll get her some in a fancy bottle for Christmas! :-)

>> (Although I saw a video about a product that is supposed to stop toddler

tantrums cold! Its just an intense fruit-and-flower concentrated scent, but the

videos sure made it look like when the screaming toddlers smelled the

concentrate they stopped tantruming instantly! I wonder if that would work for

nadas too?)

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with you that my sister defnitely has trouble functioning in her life.

Unfortunately she has a very strong, well-meaning but disasterous opinion that

family are worth everything and any effort is worth putting in to relationships

regardless of what they do to her. You can see the same thing in her personal

relationships - she stays around toxic people too long, thinking that her effort

alone will fix all. I keep telling her - if their a bastard, they're a bastard -

no amount of love, help or attention will ever change that. She has some big

issues, but has a big heart. I stay relatively LC with her as it makes me very

upset that she insists on living her life this way when she has so much

potential and is such a lovely person.

I have sat down with her many many many times to discuss limits and boundaries

with nada. Im sure a lot of you have someone who no matter how hiddeous the

behaviour of nada, she will always excuse it with that cheerful sad smile and

" but she's old, she doesnt mean it/she really deep down is a good person/we need

to be the adults in the relationship/ etc etc. " It would take something

monumentally AWFUL and soul destroying to happen before she would ever think of

limiting contact with nada or our sisters. She really, truely, COMPLETELY

believes she is doing the right thing.

Please everyone who stays in contact with nadas - dont be like my darling

sister. Dont sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of " family " who will

never return the care and attention you give them. My sister, as much as I love

her, is self-destructive to the degree that she allows nada and our sisters to

take advantage of her and guilt her into doing what they want.

The other, sane family and friends who do love you will avoid you to stay away

from the associated stress and heartache of watching your family kill your soul.

> >

> > Although I am quite happy to let nada hang until I am in the mood to call

her, I get so DAMN ANNOYED that my sister passes on these messages all the time.

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Nada accusing you of going into her e-mail account? They can pull anything out

of their tail end, hu? Where do they GET this stuff?

Your point about the BPD person going through mental and emotional hell is a

very good one. I remind myself of this at times. It helps me put a little

water on the fire of rage in my soul. I, too, feel very sorry for them. They

suffer even more than they make us suffer.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> i totally agree with you coal miners daughter...my nadas flying monkeys which

happens to

> be her own sister and her children have sent abuseive emails to me accusing me

of being jealous, competitive haveing a meaningless life etc etc. they have no

contact at all with us and the one time my cousin called to patch things up it

was quickly extinguihed by my nada accusing that i had gone into her email

account?!? of course after that the abuse started again. i know BP suffer from

fear of abandonment and i wonder why they push closest to them away and reject

them and than blame them for everything?!? feel very sorrry for them..they go

through mental and emotional hell!

>

[Guest guest]

Nada accusing you of going into her e-mail account? They can pull anything out

of their tail end, hu? Where do they GET this stuff?

Your point about the BPD person going through mental and emotional hell is a

very good one. I remind myself of this at times. It helps me put a little

water on the fire of rage in my soul. I, too, feel very sorry for them. They

suffer even more than they make us suffer.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> i totally agree with you coal miners daughter...my nadas flying monkeys which

happens to

> be her own sister and her children have sent abuseive emails to me accusing me

of being jealous, competitive haveing a meaningless life etc etc. they have no

contact at all with us and the one time my cousin called to patch things up it

was quickly extinguihed by my nada accusing that i had gone into her email

account?!? of course after that the abuse started again. i know BP suffer from

fear of abandonment and i wonder why they push closest to them away and reject

them and than blame them for everything?!? feel very sorrry for them..they go

through mental and emotional hell!

>