BPD Mother turns Grandmother - what to do?

November 12, 2010

Hi all,

Been a long time, but hope all are well.

My mother recently became a grandmother. Given my mother's illness, behaviour,

etc, we did not tell her we were pregnant, and had fully intended to never tell

her about the birth. Of course, the town is small, and that only lasted so long.

Not surprisingly, she wasn't upset that she wasn't told for 10 months, but when

I tried to explain why, the standard responses of " I've never behaved like that "

began.

In any case, she's very happy for us (not surprising), but my wife nor I really

want her to have any contact given her behaviour with other children in the

family - spreading lies, rumours, etc. Strangely enough, my mother is very

child-like, and could possibly be good with her, but my wife and I have spent

the last three years building very effective boundaries, and these last years

have been the happiest of my life. By beginning to re-establish a personal

relationship with my mother, so that she can see her granddaughter, I risk

returning to a place I spent most of my life trying to get away from.

Does anyone on here have experience with this situation, and could offer any

advice?

Thanks in advance.

W.

November 13, 2010

I have a somewhat different experience. My mother was in my life until

right after the birth of my 2nd daughter. I wanted my children to have a

relationship with their grandmother. In order to make the relationship work

though I found that I had to allow myself to be verbally and emotionally

abused, walked all over, and disrespected.

Examples:

1. My first daughter's 1st Christmas. Nada over-bought presents. She

bought junk that we prefer daughter not to have just so there would be more

for her to open. She was 4 months old BTW. I spent all day making a

wonderful but difficult dinner that nada loves. Nada arrived and demanded

(in MY home) that we do presents first. She was late and the food was

already on the table (or would have dried out). I politely explained that

we are going to have dinner first and I had slaved all day and I am hungry

and don't want it to get cold. She screamed, cried, refused to eat and

spent all of dinner outside crying and smoking and bashing me (verbally of

course)

2. Hubby and I had set the rule of no TV when daughter was ver little

(2-10 months). Nada nagged and nagged about us having her watch seasme

street because kids supposedly learn a lot from it. She ignored the fact

that there are other ways to teach children than putting a 2 month old in

front of the TV ALL DAY.

3. She refuses to properly install a car seat (she uses one only to avoid

a ticket) and " does not beleive in baby gates "

4. She demanded to have DD unsupervised from 6 m/o on because " it's her

right as a grandmother " (we had set the boundary of supervised only right

away)

5. She blamed me for her missing work when I was in labor. I had told

her upfront that it would still be a long time and to keep working. Did I

mention I WAS IN LABOR?

6. She undermined my rules every chance she got. Eventually she told my

18 m/o daughter not to listen to me when I left the room.

7. The final straw before the NC began was the letter. Here it is: (this

was three days after DD2 was born-my first day home from hospital and her

first time meeting DD2)

It's time I have a talk with you. I'm writing because I don't want any

screaming or yelling. I can't take it anymore. I just have to get this off

my chest. Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you and

(hubby), I am just letting you know what is bothering me. (me), you only

get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me.I don't know

what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you

would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have

been a worry wart all my life, It drove me nuts when you kids were little.

I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you are.

There are things I don't agree with you about. But I don't yell at you like

you do me. You and (hubby) both treat me like shit. I have to walk on

eggshells every time I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or

doing something wrong. In fear that you will yell at me. That's not the

way it's supposed to be. You are my daughter, I should feel very

comfortable in your house. And the fact that you won't let me watch your

kids, just puts a knife right through my heart. I have been watching

(neice) since she was born. And I do a hell of a job with her. It gives us

time to bond together. You won't give me that chance to bond with (DD1) and

I'm sure the same with (DD2). What does (hubby)'s mother have that I

don't? She gets to keep (DD1) overnight every week. Why can't I? You have

never given me an honest answer. I really need to know. And the fact that

you called me 20 minutes before (DD2) was born, is just proof you did not

want me there. A very important moment in my life, to be there when my

granddaughter was born, you took that away from me. But I see (best friend)

was there. You must have called me last. Another stab in the heart.

Honey, I don't want to go on like this, I want us all to get along. (me),

this is the hardest thing I ever had to do in life, but I have to do it.

Until you and (hubby) start treating me with respect, I can no longer come

to your house. However, I hope you can find it in your heart to bring the

kids over to see me. I love all three of my grand babies more than life

itself

Mom

I don't know you're whole situation so I cannot say that your mother would

do similar things. But, if you fear that she will be abusive to your or

you're child take this as an example (if you choose). These are just a few

of the things she did to hurt me and try to hurt my children. Ultimately,

the only way I can protect my children (and myself) is to have NC with her.

I know how hard this is. If you have questions or need support I am here.

--

" By definition, madness ends in one of two ways: clarity...or death. "

-- *Frantic

Purification*

November 13, 2010

Thank you for posting this . The letter so closely resembles things my

nada has said. I chose NC for the first 2yrs of my son's life. That is one of

the best decisions I've made in reln to her. It saved me on many levels to have

that time w/o her to focus on my baby. And she did still attempt contact and I

did have to re-reinforce the limit again and again, but still it made a BIG

difference for me and us.

In the last 3 we've had some VERY limited contact for the two of them, always

supervised. We live on opposite coasts, very intentionally on my part. 3-4,000

miles is the minimum for me :-), so the contact issue only comes up once a year.

We've let them have some phone time, but he is usually not interested.

I limit my phone contact as it is often disturbing. But you know, sometimes

it's great too. She has many great parts as well. It's hard to allow those in

and filter the rest out. Hard not to expect the good parts and still be

greatful when they come.

I have grown sooooo much in this process. The spiritual teacher, Ram Das once

said of extremely difficult life situations or loss: we would never wish this

upon someone, but in the aftermath, we find we lived through the " unbearable " ,

we learn we are greater than we thought.

>

> I have a somewhat different experience. My mother was in my life until

> right after the birth of my 2nd daughter. I wanted my children to have a

> relationship with their grandmother. In order to make the relationship work

> though I found that I had to allow myself to be verbally and emotionally

> abused, walked all over, and disrespected.

>

> Examples:

>

> 1. My first daughter's 1st Christmas. Nada over-bought presents. She

> bought junk that we prefer daughter not to have just so there would be more

> for her to open. She was 4 months old BTW. I spent all day making a

> wonderful but difficult dinner that nada loves. Nada arrived and demanded

> (in MY home) that we do presents first. She was late and the food was

> already on the table (or would have dried out). I politely explained that

> we are going to have dinner first and I had slaved all day and I am hungry

> and don't want it to get cold. She screamed, cried, refused to eat and

> spent all of dinner outside crying and smoking and bashing me (verbally of

> course)

> 2. Hubby and I had set the rule of no TV when daughter was ver little

> (2-10 months). Nada nagged and nagged about us having her watch seasme

> street because kids supposedly learn a lot from it. She ignored the fact

> that there are other ways to teach children than putting a 2 month old in

> front of the TV ALL DAY.

> 3. She refuses to properly install a car seat (she uses one only to avoid

> a ticket) and " does not beleive in baby gates "

> 4. She demanded to have DD unsupervised from 6 m/o on because " it's her

> right as a grandmother " (we had set the boundary of supervised only right

> away)

> 5. She blamed me for her missing work when I was in labor. I had told

> her upfront that it would still be a long time and to keep working. Did I

> mention I WAS IN LABOR?

> 6. She undermined my rules every chance she got. Eventually she told my

> 18 m/o daughter not to listen to me when I left the room.

> 7. The final straw before the NC began was the letter. Here it is: (this

> was three days after DD2 was born-my first day home from hospital and her

> first time meeting DD2)

>

> It's time I have a talk with you. I'm writing because I don't want any

> screaming or yelling. I can't take it anymore. I just have to get this off

> my chest. Please don't get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on you and

> (hubby), I am just letting you know what is bothering me. (me), you only

> get one mother in this world. I am sorry you got stuck with me.I don't know

> what I did to you in life that makes you so hateful towards me. If you

> would like to talk about it I am here for you. I always will be. I have

> been a worry wart all my life, It drove me nuts when you kids were little.

> I can't change, you will just have to accept it. I accept the way you are.

> There are things I don't agree with you about. But I don't yell at you like

> you do me. You and (hubby) both treat me like shit. I have to walk on

> eggshells every time I come to your house. I am so afraid of saying or

> doing something wrong. In fear that you will yell at me. That's not the

> way it's supposed to be. You are my daughter, I should feel very

> comfortable in your house. And the fact that you won't let me watch your

> kids, just puts a knife right through my heart. I have been watching

> (neice) since she was born. And I do a hell of a job with her. It gives us

> time to bond together. You won't give me that chance to bond with (DD1) and

> I'm sure the same with (DD2). What does (hubby)'s mother have that I

> don't? She gets to keep (DD1) overnight every week. Why can't I? You have

> never given me an honest answer. I really need to know. And the fact that

> you called me 20 minutes before (DD2) was born, is just proof you did not

> want me there. A very important moment in my life, to be there when my

> granddaughter was born, you took that away from me. But I see (best friend)

> was there. You must have called me last. Another stab in the heart.

> Honey, I don't want to go on like this, I want us all to get along. (me),

> this is the hardest thing I ever had to do in life, but I have to do it.

> Until you and (hubby) start treating me with respect, I can no longer come

> to your house. However, I hope you can find it in your heart to bring the

> kids over to see me. I love all three of my grand babies more than life

> itself

>

> Mom

>

> I don't know you're whole situation so I cannot say that your mother would

> do similar things. But, if you fear that she will be abusive to your or

> you're child take this as an example (if you choose). These are just a few

> of the things she did to hurt me and try to hurt my children. Ultimately,

> the only way I can protect my children (and myself) is to have NC with her.

> I know how hard this is. If you have questions or need support I am here.

>

> --

>

> " By definition, madness ends in one of two ways: clarity...or death. "

> -- *Frantic

> Purification*

>

November 14, 2010

Hi ,

Thanks for your response and thank you for sharing your personal experience. I

couldn't agree more with you. Just reading your Nada's letter reminded me of

things my Nada has said just this week: " It's like a knife in my heart. "

I tried to be open and honest as to why I kept these things a secret, but she

just replied with the standard: " What have I ever done to you or your wife? "

The one silver lining in all this? My Nada, pulling an ace out of her sleeve,

thought she could break me by asking my brother (who has been NC with Nada and

the rest of the family due to her) to call me and try to convince me to change

our mind.

So my brother and I spoke for the first time in seven years, about Nada, about

how he has finally managed to put his life back together, and how I and my

family have survived her appetite for destruction. It was really wonderful, and

all it did was further galvanize our position and gave me a chance to shed light

on BPD (something he's therapist had mentioned may explain Nada's behaviour

since he was a child (now 46)). It was a great conversation, and showed him he

wasn't alone, and that there's always a way out of the quagmire of despair and

pain.

Maintaining boundaries and going NC may be difficult, but the challenges we all

face doing that is much easier than the pain and suffering we experience doing

the opposite.

Also, I've never been a fan of " labels. " And we must remember that, no matter

how difficult to understand, these people are not mothers. They may have given

birth to us, and they ma have " cared " , but we must remember that even when they

care, they are fulfilling some personal need and we only enter into the equation

so far as is necessary to achieve the desired objective.

It's very sad, no doubt, but while this is a serious illness, and it is

unfortunate, it does not excuse the behaviour or mean that one needs to

continually subject themselves to its deleterious effects.

Thanks again, .

Cheers,