Sinking in at last: my nada is a psychopath

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Ok,well...The other day I happened across this (to me) mind blowing website/blog

that is written by an acknowledged sociopath with copious commentary by other

sociopaths,psychopaths,diagnosed ASPDs...the author of the blog makes these

distinctions on the continuum:

--Sociopaths are the types who engage in petty crime (or not so petty,such as

corporate theft/exploitation); they have no remorse for what they do but are

self aware and controlled enough to elude detection/imprisonment...for the most

part...They wear the " mask of sanity " /normacly in public and they *know* it.They

get their jollies off of manipulating people/lying to them/seducing them--it's

all a game to relieve the sociopath's boredom and inner emptiness.

--Psychopaths are the types who either didn't properly control their impulses to

do mortal harm and got caught or are simply extremely violent and deadly

predators who fly under the radar.

--ASPDs are what they are: people who as children were diagnosed with ODD and/or

ADHD;who tortured and killed animals; who started fires or fights; who as adults

live a predatory existence with zero regard for the rights of others.

An individual can be at all of these points on the continuum during their

lifespan or can switch between them or remain at one end,such as the sociopath

who never veers into outright psychopathy.

It's a complicated subject but as I was reading the posts on this blog my

jaw kept dropping.My own nada fits with Ann Lawson's descriptions of

the BPD " Witch " in " Understanding The Borderline Mother " but this blog has

really helped me to get a feel for what " motivated " my nada's behavior with

me.Reading it was like going beyond just knowing she split me all bad to almost

stepping inside her mind.The " why " I discovered wasn't quite what I expected but

as I was reading it made sense.

For example,a blog post about guilt:

" I'm still learning a lot about myself. For instance, I was prompted

recently to think about " guilt. " A reader writes:

Sometimes I feel what I think may be guilt, but there's always a metaphorical

voice in the back of my head telling me, " No, you only feel that way because

your image was tarnished. " That " voice " is incredibly difficult to pay attention

to, by the way. I feel a horrible feeling whenever I do something that hurts

someone and it can be linked back to me. If there is no link to me, I don't feel

anything. It's very hard for me to differentiate between this and guilt, and

I've frequently used it to justify my own humanity. But why don't I feel such

things if nobody knows who caused it? It can't be guilt. I only care when there

are consequences for me.

I reply:

That is interesting how you feel bad only when you are caught, essentially. I

mean, it's a trite phrase -- " he's only sorry he got caught " -- but it is so

true for me. I can actually feel really really badly about things that I got

caught for, for whatever reason. But the phrase doesn't fit exactly. It's not

like I feel disappointed that I couldn't get away with it. I just feel ... out

of sorts. I feel like the world is an ugly place where I don't belong. That is

what makes me feel bad. Definitely not, " oh, poor person I hurt. " It's more

like, " poor me for having to live in this ugly world and deal with this. " This

happened to me very recently when I stole/borrowed something from my neighbor,

hoping she would never find out before I returned it. She did find out, though,

and confronted me about it. Or she at least asked me about it and I didn't know

what she knew so I just came clean, but spun a story of emergency, etc.,

figuring that would be better for me than to be caught in a lie. But she

wouldn't have it. She threatened to call the authorities. Now that seemed like

an overreaction by anyone's standards, but for some reason it deeply disturbed

me. I think I realized how vulnerable I am, how hated I am just by virtue of

what I am. I didn't really think about it at the time, but what you wrote really

made sense to me. I wouldn't have felt the least tinge of guilt if I had never

been caught, but being caught made me feel all sorts of guilt, or what felt like

guilt at least. Maybe it was just regret. "

link: http://www.sociopathworld.com/2009/06/guilt.html

This was interesting to me because I recall that what " upset " nada and made

her go into suicidal meltdowns was losing control--she'd then lament that the

world is an " ugly place where she doesn't belong " .And then how the blogger calls

his neighbor's outraged reaction to having her property stolen " an overreaction

by anyone's standards " (!!!) that for some reason " deeply disturbed " him.He

realized how vulnerable he was,how hated he was just by virtue of what he

is--but--he " didn't really think about it at the time " .

How can you be " deeply disturbed " and know that you are hated,but not

really think about it????

In the comments to this blog post,a reader shares how she was victimized

and damaged by a sociopathic boyfriend and says that as someone who feels

empathy for others what bothers her the most is how her boyfriend could have

done such evil by her and feel no guilt about it.She then asks the sociopaths

for feedback.

One of them cannot understand why she even wants to know why.What's the

point? She's just making herself miserable worrying about what made her

boyfriend tick--she should focus on herself and her own needs and just forget

about him.

Another sociopath suggests that her boyfriend must have done what he did

because he didn't really value her--not by way of saying: You deserve

better,with someone who does value you...but by way of saying: Look,here's the

deal,he just didn't care about you.Stop being an emotional fool and just move

on.

The gist of their responses being: " I don't see why you're being so

ridiculously sensitive about this and why in the world you'd bother with wanting

to understand him. "

In another blog the author talks about how he dumped a " friend " when her

father had terminal cancer and her depression was too much for him to take:

" M.E.: Exactly! You can't indefinitely wear a mask that is so foreign to

the way you typically are, a mask of extreme compassion or selflessness. So the

costs of the relationship go up, and the benefits go down because she is

depressed all the time and you're not getting what you used to get, very

interesting conversations, a check on your own bad behavior, superior advice in

all things including fashion. You run many months into the red and there still

seems to be no improvement. It will tear you up inside. It's too much, too much

force to try to put on your psyche.

Reader: And is there a way to talk about what used to be good about the

relationship so that you two can go back to that?

M.E.: Yeah, there are always ways to go back, sunk costs, right? They're

ignored.

Reader: So will you get back in touch with your friend eventually?

M.E.: Ah, we're friends now. She picks all of my best clothing items. We didn't

speak for a while, though. I was the one who asked for that, not speaking, that

is. I think that hurt her a lot. She has a fear of being abandoned.

Reader: Of course it hurt her.

M.E.: Which is why I postponed it for so long, but it was literally making me

crazy. I mean, I don't really have any boundaries. It's really hard to be put in

a situation in which boundaries are necessary.

Reader: You probably did the right thing, by taking space.

M.E.: Yeah, maybe. It was really hard. I think it bothered me more that I had

failed than that I had failed her, you know? I have such a healthy self-image,

then something like this comes along. That's when you start feeling like you

really are defective, like something is seriously wrong with you. You start

believing that no matter how hard you try to do better in the future, this will

keep happening over and over in your life like some sort of sick déjà vu. That's

when life really starts to seem meaningless. "

link: http://www.sociopathworld.com/search/label/relationships

It bothered him more that he had failed than that he had failed her.It made

*him* feel defective.

BPD is supposed to be about self hatred but I have to say,my nada had a

" healthy " (feeling good,I guess) self image like this guy and what really got

her goat was anyone making her feel like " something was seriously wrong " with

her.That person she would dump in a heartbeat,including her own child,me.Dumping

me by splitting me all bad seems like the same thing,to me.Which also functions

as a restoration of " meaning " .

I've had to come to this acceptance,that my nada is a cold hearted sociopath

along with her BPD dysregulations,in slow stages.Being " raised " by someone like

this is like a living death and is just the absolute antithesis of having a

mother--and a grave insult/assault to the natural empathy of a " neurotypical "

child,to the degree of soul rape.

When I turned six nada bought me a present for my birthday that I didn't

like.My displeasure was obvious when I opened the package because it wasn't what

I had asked for.I saw her give me a look of pure hatred when I frowned at the

present,yet later I sought her out to apologize for my insensitivity.I told her

that on reflection I really did like the present and said, " I'm sorry if I hurt

your feelings. "

Coldly,emotionlessly,she said, " You didn't hurt my feelings.I don't care. "

I was devastated because I knew she meant it.I couldn't make it right or

make it better because there was nothing to make right or better: she simply did

not care; she had no feelings to be " hurt " ,only hatred to inflict on me.That was

like agony to me because if I had been in the place of the gift giver whose gift

was not well received and the person I'd given it to apologized to me,I would

have been so happy for us to make amends and it was just utterly foreign to how

I am for nada to simply not care and for there to be no possible amends to be

made.It was like being in an abyss.

I'm taking this in.But it's actually taking this time.If anyone wants to

check out the website,a good place to start is with the FAQ section:

http://www.sociopathworld.com/p/frequently-asked-questions.html

But I have to issue a warning that the content of this website could be

exceptionally triggering to some.I have found what I'm reading there fascinating

but some of the posts are quite disturbing-having said that there is also a

wealth of information about how these people think if you can stomach it.