In sum...

[Guest guest]

Well, it's Friday night - I'd consider this pretty much my first week of IE,

even though I don't know all of the rule yet.

Finding hunger has been a challenge this week. Two mornings I didn't eat

because I wasn't hungry, ate later at work but was rushed and distracted,

skipped lunch, ate a snack and then wasn't hungry at dinner so ate something

later.... Those two days didn't work well at all; I didn't like my food and

didn't like my meals (which were mostly eaten at my desk). And I'm not sure

about expecting myself to be a very good intutive eater at work; it's somehow

antithetical.

The best thing I did was stop myself to become aware while eating and enjoyed

the experience of eating with no distractions - at times. That and I stayed

pretty much on task with tossing the idea of forbidden foods and even forbidden

eating.

Truth is, my clothes are already looser(!?) which has not been the goal, per se;

it's to find sanity and peace around food, eating, body image, etc. Sure I want

to be all the things thin represents, but I'm quickly figuring out that thin and

those things were never equal.

When I was married I tried to diet my marriage into success. I had this

obsession that if only I were thin and pretty enough, our marriage would work.

Crazy stuff. I thought I was so fat. And that he cared. At my thinnest, he

barely noticed and cared even less.

As much as that cost me in self esteen, even now, whenever I have some important

event to go to, my first thought is what they will think of me when I show up

having lost all the weight.

I can see myself strolling into the room, all thin and waifish, looking like I

stepped out of some fashion magazine, wind blowing my hair, angular and lean....

and everyone falling to their knees because I look so extraordinarily beautiful!

I grew up lost in movies - and that was the woman's role. Be beautiful - be so

beautiful you stop all of the action. Be stupid, be a victim, be gone by the

end, but by all means be beautiful (i.e., thin) when you show up. Because -

that's all there is. Showing up and being looked at. End of scene.

This summer I went to a class reunion. Ran into a gf from jr. high a couple of

months before the reunion was to take place. She mentioned how she was on a new

weight loss plan (500 calories and hormone shots every day) and that she wanted

was to lose weight for the upcoming reunion.

The day of the reunion she showed up late; strolled in looking like she'd lost a

ton of weight. But you know what? More than anything, she looked like someone

with low self esteem. She was self-conscious, over-dressed and - just not

comfortable in her skin. The rest of us were sitting and eating by then, while

she just stood and talked to people, sort of posing this way and that. Everyone

else was pretty much comfortable and unapologetic for their looks and their

bodies.

This week my biggest achievement was to find that what was most confusing me

about IE was that I hadn't truly legalized food. Now... maybe it would be nice

to work with what is stopping me from quitting when I'm satisfied. Or... maybe

I'll cut myself some slack and work on noticing what feels best - maybe I've got

a rule about how much I think I should eat and how full I should or shouldn't

be.

Maybe that's the new plan... notice what various levels of full feels like and

then see where I want to go with that. I get to choose!

That's it from me. Thanks for all of the great posts.