What do you do about smear campaigns?

[Guest guest]

My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a neighbour.

Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an ungrateful,

horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her grandchildren.

We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC with her for

their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is extremely low

functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for hospitalization for

psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour tracked me down on

FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails. I can't believe

this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she sees is the

" waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since full blown

BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see nada for who

she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea this was

happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the neighbour's)

emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank goodness!) What

was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you? How did you

deal?

[Guest guest]

I completely ignore them. As our " brother " Doug says, the only way to win is

not to play. I think one of the reasons BPDs use that tactic is that it is an

easy way to hook people back in. They use other people as their own weapons,

and when the person who " abandoned " them comes back to defend their honor . . .

BING! Nada wins, because she has you hooked back in.

For what it's worth . . . anyone who would

a) sit and listen to a woman ramble on about how horrible her daughter was, and

actually go so far as to look up that daughter (read: a complete stranger)

and

c) actually contact that complete stranger, and

d) send that complete stranger hate mail?

Um. . . that woman is rather insane herself. I mean, put yourself in her

shoes--if another woman came to you and started sobbing about how horribly she

was treated by her daughter and how hideous that daughter was, you wouldn't

listen and you CERTIANLY wouldn't try to remedy the situation. You would

understandably RUN the other way!!

I'm not sure she's worth too much mental space. It hurts, yes. All of that

stuff brings back all of the abuse and makes the false accusations seem real,

somehow. But that woman is nothing short of a nada herself. Yuck.

Hope that helps.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>

[Guest guest]

I completely ignore them. As our " brother " Doug says, the only way to win is

not to play. I think one of the reasons BPDs use that tactic is that it is an

easy way to hook people back in. They use other people as their own weapons,

and when the person who " abandoned " them comes back to defend their honor . . .

BING! Nada wins, because she has you hooked back in.

For what it's worth . . . anyone who would

a) sit and listen to a woman ramble on about how horrible her daughter was, and

actually go so far as to look up that daughter (read: a complete stranger)

and

c) actually contact that complete stranger, and

d) send that complete stranger hate mail?

Um. . . that woman is rather insane herself. I mean, put yourself in her

shoes--if another woman came to you and started sobbing about how horribly she

was treated by her daughter and how hideous that daughter was, you wouldn't

listen and you CERTIANLY wouldn't try to remedy the situation. You would

understandably RUN the other way!!

I'm not sure she's worth too much mental space. It hurts, yes. All of that

stuff brings back all of the abuse and makes the false accusations seem real,

somehow. But that woman is nothing short of a nada herself. Yuck.

Hope that helps.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>

[Guest guest]

Hmm, went through something similar in July. My broda (ha ha how do you say

brother nada again?) got married. I am NC, so I didn't know. His wife

started sending me hate mail. I called the cops and let her know I would

persue it to the fullest extent of the law. Haven't heard a peep since.

On Sun, Nov 28, 2010 at 10:00 PM, kyjohnson40days <kyjohnson40days@...

> wrote:

>

>

> I completely ignore them. As our " brother " Doug says, the only way to win

> is not to play. I think one of the reasons BPDs use that tactic is that it

> is an easy way to hook people back in. They use other people as their own

> weapons, and when the person who " abandoned " them comes back to defend their

> honor . . . BING! Nada wins, because she has you hooked back in.

>

> For what it's worth . . . anyone who would

> a) sit and listen to a woman ramble on about how horrible her daughter was,

> and

> actually go so far as to look up that daughter (read: a complete

> stranger) and

> c) actually contact that complete stranger, and

> d) send that complete stranger hate mail?

>

> Um. . . that woman is rather insane herself. I mean, put yourself in her

> shoes--if another woman came to you and started sobbing about how horribly

> she was treated by her daughter and how hideous that daughter was, you

> wouldn't listen and you CERTIANLY wouldn't try to remedy the situation. You

> would understandably RUN the other way!!

>

> I'm not sure she's worth too much mental space. It hurts, yes. All of that

> stuff brings back all of the abuse and makes the false accusations seem

> real, somehow. But that woman is nothing short of a nada herself. Yuck.

>

> Hope that helps.

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

>

>

> >

> > My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

> neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am

> an ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see

> her grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are

> totally NC with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be.

> (Nada is extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

> hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The

> neighbour tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking,

> blaming emails. I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but

> unfortunately all she sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just

> an acquaintance and since full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy,

> she will probably never see nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker

> punch for me, as I had no idea this was happening until I opened my FBook

> one day and there were her (the neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not

> figured out the internet yet, thank goodness!) What was the latest slander

> campaign your nada has waged against you? How did you deal?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

What an awful thing to have happen! I hate those unexpected strikes the most.

That is such a horrible thing for the woman to do. I guess she is a recently

recruited flying monkey? I hope your heart can heal from this very quickly.

Let it go as much as possible.

Dear Karla,

I appreciate your perspective on this; it is helpful for me too. My nada smears

me at our old church. I quit attending because they don't have nursery care

(even a group thing where we can take turns - yes, I've tried). I realize the

same logic applies here. After all, we're talking about a CHURCH that won't

even help watch little kids AT ALL! Is this somewhere I need to be going

anyway? And why would I care what they think of me?

p.s. Nada exposes her own craziness anyway when she " bites " people around her

like a nasty dog, on occasion.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I just thought of one other thing - I used to think my Mom was so loved at work

and church and in our family. I have since found out that other people see

through her as I do. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

People may be seeing more of her " bad " side than you realize. :-)

For example, I mentioned earlier that she smeared me at the church. She was

doing that for years before I started attending there, I now realize. The

church board voted me and my husband to lead the youth group there, nonetheless.

Perhaps they didn't believe the horrible things she said? We led the group for

a year; it was wonderful.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I just thought of one other thing - I used to think my Mom was so loved at work

and church and in our family. I have since found out that other people see

through her as I do. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

People may be seeing more of her " bad " side than you realize. :-)

For example, I mentioned earlier that she smeared me at the church. She was

doing that for years before I started attending there, I now realize. The

church board voted me and my husband to lead the youth group there, nonetheless.

Perhaps they didn't believe the horrible things she said? We led the group for

a year; it was wonderful.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

I made up names for them using their own names. Helps take the sting out of

flying monkey attacks. My foo is subtle and somewhat well-meaning, so I talk

with them when I am bored driving in the car or something. It's funny to see

their name made into a nada term on my caller id. Helps me brace for impact

using humor as a defense. Plus my phone is stuck in driving mode, so this funny

computer guy tries to pronounce Tamnada or whatever. ha ha

>

> Hmm, went through something similar in July. My broda (ha ha how do you say

> brother nada again?) got married. I am NC, so I didn't know. His wife

> started sending me hate mail. I called the cops and let her know I would

> persue it to the fullest extent of the law. Haven't heard a peep since.

>

[Guest guest]

My nada has a neighbor that loves to stir up trouble, doesn't matter if it's

based on fact or fiction. She keeps track of every time we go to visit and how

long we stay. One morning we took my nada to ER (hubby had to leave work, I had

to make arrangements for my shift to be covered). We stayed several hours, took

her home, dropped off a prescription at the pharmacy for pain meds that she

didn't need (she had some at home). When the neighbor got the scoop, she

accused us of elder abuse because hubby didn't wait for the prescription to be

filled and take it back to nada. Great fun.

The last big attack against us was when she made accusations against us to her

doctor's staff. We found out, had to deal with Adult Protection Services. It was

messy but we had nothing to hide. When nada found out, she denied saying

anything bad to anyone. She's still griping about it all.

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>

[Guest guest]

WOW!!! Who in the world would get on their computer, and facebook someone and

send them e-mails like that???? Hasn't this neighbor ever heard of PRIVACY? or,

better yet, staying out of things that don't pertain to him/her?

I dont really worry about my nada starting a smear campaign against me because

she has one friend (seriously, only one) and talks to no one in the family. One

time, she said to someone " (My fiance) is good for Jade, because she likes to

spend money that isn't hers, and (my fiance) certainly gives her his money to

spend. " Needless to say, this isn't true.

When she told me about this, she was bragging and laughing (Oh come on! It was a

joke!!). I simply looked at her and said: " You are despicable. How can you

even look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you said that about your only

child? " My nada's mouth dropped open, because I knew what she wanted to do was

make me cry, and instead, I shot it right back at her.

I don't suggest this method, but my nada needles me so much that I just cant

help it sometimes.

-Jade

[Guest guest]

Oh, Coal Miner's Daughter, you've given me such hope. I know for a fact that my

mother is smearing me to the church secretary, a close friend of hers . . . and

information gets around. I don't attend that church anymore, but some close

friends of mine are very involved, and I really hate that they're in the awkward

position of having to defend their decision to stand by the Worst Daughter Ever

who skipped her granny's birthday party and wouldn't come home for Thanksgiving.

She's also smearing me to my brother and his girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure my

brother is not clear enough about our dysfunctional family past to recognize her

lies and twisted truths.

But like I said, you've given me hope that maybe other people can see the things

I see and are saying " WTF? " in secret. And maybe not everybody believes her

lies.

Psyclone.

[Guest guest]

So sorry to hear that, even though it sounds familiar. Smear campaigns have

been a constant in my life. One that hurt in particular was when I flew in for

yet another nada's medical emergency. Upon arrival at the house, I'm approached

by a neighbor that I have not seen before and don't know. She immediately

started to attack me, saying that she is appalled that 'this poor woman is left

alone and that we adult children do not take care of her' etc, etc. She

continues stating that my 'poor defenless' nada only lives for her grandkids and

that she needs affection and on, and on.

I was jet-lagged, speechless, and then angry. I told this woman that she had no

right accusing us adult children because she does not know what the 'real

situation' is; that it is already painful for the whole family and she cannot

judge what she does not know.

I heard that just a few months later, this same neighbor had basically cut all

contacts with nada, after a couple of 'raging episodes' from my nada and was

threatening to go to the police and ask a restraining order if nada was ever to

'disturb' her again. LOL.

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>

[Guest guest]

So sorry to hear that, even though it sounds familiar. Smear campaigns have

been a constant in my life. One that hurt in particular was when I flew in for

yet another nada's medical emergency. Upon arrival at the house, I'm approached

by a neighbor that I have not seen before and don't know. She immediately

started to attack me, saying that she is appalled that 'this poor woman is left

alone and that we adult children do not take care of her' etc, etc. She

continues stating that my 'poor defenless' nada only lives for her grandkids and

that she needs affection and on, and on.

I was jet-lagged, speechless, and then angry. I told this woman that she had no

right accusing us adult children because she does not know what the 'real

situation' is; that it is already painful for the whole family and she cannot

judge what she does not know.

I heard that just a few months later, this same neighbor had basically cut all

contacts with nada, after a couple of 'raging episodes' from my nada and was

threatening to go to the police and ask a restraining order if nada was ever to

'disturb' her again. LOL.

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I've really enjoyed reading about people's similar experiences with smear

campaigns. How reaffirming! And the shock that many expressed about her

neighbour. I am sometimes way too forgiving of people (wonder why?) and I tried

to think that this lady has her heart in the right place (my mother plays the

waif role perfectly), but you know what? The neighbour definitely crossed the

line, many lines, in fact. Apparently she was snooping around my FBook profile

(when you respond to an email message, they can access your profile for two

weeks). She was gathering info and said that I looked like I had a happy life

and didn't deserve one since my mom was so miserable. Wow. If my life has to be

miserable just because hers is, that is pretty skewed logic. So be careful who

you engage in conversation with on FB and guard your privacy settings.

I also liked many people's comments about smear campaigns backfiring and the

poetic justice of it. Love that. My mom is 68 and has NO friends or family who

will talk to her. She has lured this neighbour because she sees that she can

manipulate her, but I'm sure it will blow up in her face. I remember my mom

saying to me as a child, " I never met a nice friend. " Can you imagine? It was

the entire world's fault that she had no friends. There just were no nice

people. I think I was four the first time she said that and in my little brain

I knew somehow that my nada was messed up!

So yes, the smear campaigns are hallmarks of BPD and one of the ways I figured

out that my nada was BPD. I was telling my therapist about them and she gave me

the SWOE book. Light bulb moment of my life!

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I've really enjoyed reading about people's similar experiences with smear

campaigns. How reaffirming! And the shock that many expressed about her

neighbour. I am sometimes way too forgiving of people (wonder why?) and I tried

to think that this lady has her heart in the right place (my mother plays the

waif role perfectly), but you know what? The neighbour definitely crossed the

line, many lines, in fact. Apparently she was snooping around my FBook profile

(when you respond to an email message, they can access your profile for two

weeks). She was gathering info and said that I looked like I had a happy life

and didn't deserve one since my mom was so miserable. Wow. If my life has to be

miserable just because hers is, that is pretty skewed logic. So be careful who

you engage in conversation with on FB and guard your privacy settings.

I also liked many people's comments about smear campaigns backfiring and the

poetic justice of it. Love that. My mom is 68 and has NO friends or family who

will talk to her. She has lured this neighbour because she sees that she can

manipulate her, but I'm sure it will blow up in her face. I remember my mom

saying to me as a child, " I never met a nice friend. " Can you imagine? It was

the entire world's fault that she had no friends. There just were no nice

people. I think I was four the first time she said that and in my little brain

I knew somehow that my nada was messed up!

So yes, the smear campaigns are hallmarks of BPD and one of the ways I figured

out that my nada was BPD. I was telling my therapist about them and she gave me

the SWOE book. Light bulb moment of my life!

>

> My mother has started her newest campaign against me, this time to a

neighbour. Same old stuff, she has always been a wonderful mother and I am an

ungrateful, horrible daughter who will not allow her own mother to see her

grandchildren. We are mostly NC, sometimes LC, but the children are totally NC

with her for their own protection and hopefully will always be. (Nada is

extremely low functioning BPD, probably could meet the criteria for

hospitalization for psychosis at times with violent rage issues.) The neighbour

tracked me down on FBook and sent me very agressive, attacking, blaming emails.

I can't believe this woman is taken in by my mother, but unfortunately all she

sees is the " waif " and never the " witch " . She is just an acquaintance and since

full blown BPD symptoms are triggered by intimacy, she will probably never see

nada for who she really is. It is such a sucker punch for me, as I had no idea

this was happening until I opened my FBook one day and there were her (the

neighbour's) emails. (My mother has not figured out the internet yet, thank

goodness!) What was the latest slander campaign your nada has waged against you?

How did you deal?

>