Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

[Guest guest]

Thank you! Every time I pray about and think about going to her therapist as a

" group " I am getting major " DON'T DO IT " signals from my gut.

Great suggestion about agreeing to meet her alone, IF the therapist will agree

to that. And I love the idea of making an outline of my perceptions of my mom

for the therapist based on the BPD symptoms. Like handing her completed

homework, if she chooses to use it. Seems like a good idea to me.

My mom acts up every holiday now that you mention it. I can't remember the last

holiday season we had without one of her " outbursts " and sulky behavior.

Once I realized she was taunting me to respond to her so she could take my

emails/texts to her therapist, I told her I could no longer communicate with her

in writing in any way. She has to call from now on. She hasn't spoken to me in

almost a full week but tried to say she was coming over the other night while my

husband was working late. He told her she was not going to be here unless he was

present. She's a lot less ugly to me when my husband is around for some reason.

FLN

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, December 4, 2010 3:12:04 PM

Subject: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I swear, there must be some master BPD radio tower out there that signals them

all to flip out every holiday! It doesn't matter how long they've been behaving

well, a Thanksgiving or a Christmas to a nada is like a full moon to a werewolf.

I agree with the other replies so far, and I think you are right when you say

" her control is through playing the victim. "

Waifs tend to be more passive-aggressive. They cry and act pitiful because it

gets them what they want--attention, for one thing, and their own way, for

another. I don't think they're usually conscious that they're manipulating when

they throw a pity-fit, but it's one of the most basic ways humans have to get

what they want. Crying is often paired with more slightly more overt attacks on

the other person's character: " You're so mean, " " I feel like a failure for

raising such a horrible daughter, " " After all I've sacrificed for you, how could

you be so ungrateful, " etc., etc.

I think it is always a bad idea for someone to go to therapy with his abuser.

Even if the therapist is unbiased and can see clearly what is going on--and it

sounds like you have good reason to question whether your mother's fits that

description--it is a much better plan for each party to enter into therapy

separately.

I have been telling my parents for a while that I do not trust them, and that I

do not see any possible way for them to learn to effectively change their

behavior enough for me to begin to trust them until they seek treatment. My

father wanted me to agree to go to counseling with them (they live 500 miles

away...just how exactly would that work, Dad?). I said I would not be willing

to do that, but I would be happy to speak to the counselor they choose once or

twice in order to give her my point of view.

I have been thinking about preparing a brief statement describing my perceptions

of my mother, using the BPD diagnostic criteria as an outline. That way, I

don't make the diagnosis for the therapist, but she can see examples of the

behaviors and draw the conclusion herself. I considered that it might be the

" fix-it flea " that makes me want to do this, because my mother--well, both of my

parents--are very, very good at acting normal in public, and I know they already

got one counselor, whom they saw together for a grand total of about a month, to

tell them my mother definitely doesn't have BPD (at least that's what mom told

sister). But even if I never have the opportunity to share it, it would still

be a handy little validation for me to have on hand for those times when I need

to remember what she's like.

kt

[Guest guest]

So Another question I thought about:

My mom wants to have a confrontation, of sorts, a " discussion " about the email I

sent her confronting her inappropriate behaviors. I can tell she has been

coached by her therapist.

Is this a wise idea? I never feel like in the past these sorts of confrontations

have amounted to anything but chasing rabbit trails that aren't the issue and

talking in circles. She shuts me out until I discuss what she wants me to

discuss with her. As soon as she is allowed to say her piece and tell me how

screwed up I am and how I need " professional help because your father caused so

much havoc in our family " , then she goes back to being normal......until the

next blow up.

Can anyone share from experience how they have diffused this? I first said I

would not speak to her without a mediator but in truth, I really don't want to

talk to her about this stuff at all.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, December 4, 2010 4:00:44 PM

Subject: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

Hi FLN,

I think that is wise to always have a witness present when you have an in-person

visit with your nada (shorthand for " not a mom " = bpd mom). It really does help

to have a third party there who can verify what was said and by whom and what

actually transpired.

My bpd/npd nada always behaves better when other people are around.

And, my mother has shown me clearly and repeatedly on several occasions that she

is willing to blame others, to falsely accuse others of hurting her, neglecting

her or mistreating her when no such abuse occurred. I can't trust my own

mother, is what it boils down to.

Its just smart to protect yourself from false accusations of elder abuse or

whatever. Having a witness right there will prevent anything of the kind from

happening. That is my plan as well. I will never again be alone with my mother,

it's just not safe for me.

-Annie

>

> Thank you! Every time I pray about and think about going to her therapist as a

> " group " I am getting major " DON'T DO IT " signals from my gut.

>

>

> Great suggestion about agreeing to meet her alone, IF the therapist will agree

> to that. And I love the idea of making an outline of my perceptions of my mom

> for the therapist based on the BPD symptoms. Like handing her completed

> homework, if she chooses to use it. Seems like a good idea to me.

>

>

> My mom acts up every holiday now that you mention it. I can't remember the

last

>

> holiday season we had without one of her " outbursts " and sulky behavior.

>

> Once I realized she was taunting me to respond to her so she could take my

> emails/texts to her therapist, I told her I could no longer communicate with

>her

>

> in writing in any way. She has to call from now on. She hasn't spoken to me in

> almost a full week but tried to say she was coming over the other night while

>my

>

> husband was working late. He told her she was not going to be here unless he

>was

>

> present. She's a lot less ugly to me when my husband is around for some

reason.

>

>

>

> FLN

[Guest guest]

" she isnt doing it to improve her behaviour, she is doing it to have someone to

take your fathers place as emotional sinkwell.\

You are right on! My grandmother was also a stabalizing factor to my mom. As I

have thought over all of this the past week, I realize my mom started really

getting " nutty " after my grandmother's death 10 years ago. My grandmother was a

precious lady and to the best of my memory, had a way of diffusing my mom's

volatile moods. She was probably the best " therapy " she had. And she's gone now.

:-(

The therapist seems to enable my mom and make her WORSE. I talked to her on the

phone yesterday and she sounded crazier than I've ever heard her. She has

started her " intensive twice a week 'therapy' " now - all I see is her getting

closer and closer to the edge of insanity. It is very sad to watch. Call it

fleas or what have you, but I'd like to go punch her therapist.....

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, December 5, 2010 7:00:54 PM

Subject: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

Something else to keep in mind - there are a lot of people out there that claim

to be " therapists " . Is the one she is seeing a proper one? Accredited and

qualified? A psychologist who knows how to diagnose correctly? Here is Aus, any

monkey can call themselves a " therapist " without any qualifications to speak of.

IF your mother isnt lying about her therapists behaviour and advice (plus the

fact that your mother has stuck with her for so long) then the therapist is a

blind freddy and wouldnt know BPD if your mother smacked her in the chops. Then

a family session is going to be pretty useless.

Its up to you. Either way, I would doubt your mother is going to change despite

all the therapy in the world - she isnt doing it to improve her behaviour, she

is doing it to have someone to take your fathers place as emotional sinkwell.

>

> I truly believe that your mother is twisting the words of her

>therapist/psychiatrsit. Having experienced therapy first hand, I doubt a

>therapist would give a person with BPD (especially someone whose made little

>progess towards recognizing their actions) advice to pass on to their families.

>Therapists tend to offer said advice when the family is together in a group

>setting. I have had a similar experience to yours except it had to do with the

>gifts my mother got for Christmas and it basically destroyed Christmas, which

is

>usually a lovely time (amazing or what?) at our house. I will say that

>therapists can be a bit biased because they are only hearing one side of the

>story and not everyone with BPD is delusional when it comes to seeing the

reason

>behind a particular " disagreement " (not always the case). Is it possible for

you

>to talk with her therapist about her actions toward others in the family?

>Obviously, you couldn't discuss what she has said due to confidentiality, but

>that doesn't mean you can't give this mental health professional a window into

>what life is like for you. Just a suggestion, I wish you the best of luck.

>

[Guest guest]

" she isnt doing it to improve her behaviour, she is doing it to have someone to

take your fathers place as emotional sinkwell.\

You are right on! My grandmother was also a stabalizing factor to my mom. As I

have thought over all of this the past week, I realize my mom started really

getting " nutty " after my grandmother's death 10 years ago. My grandmother was a

precious lady and to the best of my memory, had a way of diffusing my mom's

volatile moods. She was probably the best " therapy " she had. And she's gone now.

:-(

The therapist seems to enable my mom and make her WORSE. I talked to her on the

phone yesterday and she sounded crazier than I've ever heard her. She has

started her " intensive twice a week 'therapy' " now - all I see is her getting

closer and closer to the edge of insanity. It is very sad to watch. Call it

fleas or what have you, but I'd like to go punch her therapist.....

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, December 5, 2010 7:00:54 PM

Subject: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

Something else to keep in mind - there are a lot of people out there that claim

to be " therapists " . Is the one she is seeing a proper one? Accredited and

qualified? A psychologist who knows how to diagnose correctly? Here is Aus, any

monkey can call themselves a " therapist " without any qualifications to speak of.

IF your mother isnt lying about her therapists behaviour and advice (plus the

fact that your mother has stuck with her for so long) then the therapist is a

blind freddy and wouldnt know BPD if your mother smacked her in the chops. Then

a family session is going to be pretty useless.

Its up to you. Either way, I would doubt your mother is going to change despite

all the therapy in the world - she isnt doing it to improve her behaviour, she

is doing it to have someone to take your fathers place as emotional sinkwell.

>

> I truly believe that your mother is twisting the words of her

>therapist/psychiatrsit. Having experienced therapy first hand, I doubt a

>therapist would give a person with BPD (especially someone whose made little

>progess towards recognizing their actions) advice to pass on to their families.

>Therapists tend to offer said advice when the family is together in a group

>setting. I have had a similar experience to yours except it had to do with the

>gifts my mother got for Christmas and it basically destroyed Christmas, which

is

>usually a lovely time (amazing or what?) at our house. I will say that

>therapists can be a bit biased because they are only hearing one side of the

>story and not everyone with BPD is delusional when it comes to seeing the

reason

>behind a particular " disagreement " (not always the case). Is it possible for

you

>to talk with her therapist about her actions toward others in the family?

>Obviously, you couldn't discuss what she has said due to confidentiality, but

>that doesn't mean you can't give this mental health professional a window into

>what life is like for you. Just a suggestion, I wish you the best of luck.

>

[Guest guest]

Do you know the therapist's name? It would be interesting and perhaps

enlightening for you to google her qualifications.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> The therapist seems to enable my mom and make her WORSE. I talked to her on

the

> phone yesterday and she sounded crazier than I've ever heard her. She has

> started her " intensive twice a week 'therapy' " now - all I see is her getting

> closer and closer to the edge of insanity. It is very sad to watch. Call it

> fleas or what have you, but I'd like to go punch her therapist.....

[Guest guest]

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

i would think the final straw would have been the blood on the windshield.

scary

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

I think its totally possible to have BPD and not be the type that cut yourself

and wrote messages with blood. I'm almost certain my mom is some form of it and

she is not quite to that extent. She has done some pretty crazy and manipulative

stuff but hasn't gone that far yet.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 8:10:15 AM

Subject: Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

i would think the final straw would have been the blood on the windshield.

scary

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

I think its totally possible to have BPD and not be the type that cut yourself

and wrote messages with blood. I'm almost certain my mom is some form of it and

she is not quite to that extent. She has done some pretty crazy and manipulative

stuff but hasn't gone that far yet.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 8:10:15 AM

Subject: Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

i would think the final straw would have been the blood on the windshield.

scary

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

I think its totally possible to have BPD and not be the type that cut yourself

and wrote messages with blood. I'm almost certain my mom is some form of it and

she is not quite to that extent. She has done some pretty crazy and manipulative

stuff but hasn't gone that far yet.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 8:10:15 AM

Subject: Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

i would think the final straw would have been the blood on the windshield.

scary

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

My mother never did things like that either. She did get somewhat stalkish

with people calling them, but that was about her limit.

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

My mother never did things like that either. She did get somewhat stalkish

with people calling them, but that was about her limit.

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

My mother never did things like that either. She did get somewhat stalkish

with people calling them, but that was about her limit.

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who specialize

in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password and

was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had written

the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment issues

and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have it...that

these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

[Guest guest]

Hey, I hope I didnt make y'all think my therapist was saying ALL bpds cut

themselves. My mother never did that either, but she doesn't specialize in it

and she was just telling me how intense treating a bpd is for the therapist.

Re: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

>

> I don't think my therapist could ever have the wool pulled over her eyes by a

> BPD. She did tell me too that she usually refers BPD's to people who

specialize

> in it because they are so demanding and unpredictable. She told me about a BPD

> patient she had years ago that would get mad at her and threaten suicide and

> even would cut herself and then email the pictures to her. She also wrote her

> name in blood on my therapist's car windshield in the parking lot once. The

> final straw was when this client actually got my therapist's email password

and

> was hacking into her email. Unbelievable. She said it was likely she had

written

> the password on something and the client just happened to see it. She told me

> this woman was 40 years old too! and had kids!

>

> I used to really worry that *I* had BPD too since I have such abandonment

issues

> and my therapist told me this story to explain to me why I didn't have

it...that

> these are the crazy-making things BPD's do.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Star. I could relate most to this sentence:I've gone my whole life

thinking there was an unusual amount of drama, poor decisions, confusing

reactions and incongruent behaviors, knowing that other mothers didn't behave

like mine did... but had no idea there was an actual diagnosis or name for

this. It was such an incredible relief to know it was not normal, and I was

not crazy!

I can relate to you on so many levels!! I have often pretended my mom was

" normal " to other people because I've known for a long time she wasn't like

anyone else's mom. I also used to grieve a lot that I didn't have that " mother

figure " in my life because all my mom can focus on (and talk about) is herself

and her surroundings. I gave up having a true mother-figure really interested in

my life a long time ago.

My mom is also the middle child in a family of 5 siblings and she has 2 sisters.

She is often at odds with her sisters and for years I have been manipulated by

my mom to think they exclude her from things just to be mean. But I'm starting

to realize she probably gives them the same crap she gives me and they need the

distance for sanity's sake. I have wanted to call them so many times over the

last week but hesitate each time. My mom views her younger sister as " good " and

her older sister as " bad " . The " bad " one is often the one telling my mom she has

lost her mind, lol. The younger one just quietly listens and never says

anything. In fact, I know that the older one has told my mom several times

before she needed to treat me like a daughter and quit unloading her life on

me......(maybe I should make that call)

Anyway, thank you for sharing. So very many similarities to my own life in your

story! I really need to start reading these books.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 6:26:33 PM

Subject: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

Ohh yes, I totally understand ... their behavior just crosses boundaries,

pushes the limits - and then you're (justifiably) mad, and don't even want

to try to make things better, because we are always the ones that need to

just suck it up and smooth it out, pretend it didn't happen, whatever. We

are always hurt by it, yet somehow THEIR hurt trumps all. Somehow things

slide back to where they were.

I only recently learned about BPD at all myself, and found this board, got

the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and also the Borderline Mother book...

it was definitely an awakening, coming out of the FOG -- or even just being

aware that there was such a thing as FOG! (fear, obligation, guilt) I've

gone my whole life thinking there was an unusual amount of drama, poor

decisions, confusing reactions and incongruent behaviors, knowing that other

mothers didn't behave like mine did... but had no idea there was an actual

diagnosis or name for this. It was such an incredible relief to know it was

not normal, and I was not crazy!

I was once told by an older cousin that I hardly knew, at a family event,

that I was " remarkably well adjusted " . I was only about 18 at the time,

and I remember being taken back by that comment. It was literally the first

time I remember that anyone had even hinted to me personally that things

were not right with my situation. Since I've been going through this recent

learning, processing, healing mode, I've been in a lot of communication

with my mom's 2 sisters. BPD mom is the middle sister... (anyone notice any

trend to that?) Both of my aunts have been wonderfully supportive of me

as I go through this. They both have finally started to come out of the FOG

themselves, and even though I am leading this charge and taking the brunt

of the grieving what has never been, they are recognizing, naming,

admitting, and discussing years of this same old crap with her. They have both

mothered me in many ways and I usually cry when they do because it's so

touching and foreign. One recently apologized to me, saying she wished she had

been there for me growing up -- that she had recognized and understood

better the full situation I grew up with as an only child of a single BPD mom.

I understand - she had her own husband, little kids, new state, etc. -- her

own life! -- to live and handle. But it's nice to hear, anyway, and all

of this ultimately I think leads to healing if we're open to it.

But did I mention... this. is. so. hard!!!!!!!!!

Unloading a little myself - thanks for listening!!

Star

[Guest guest]

Thank you Star. I could relate most to this sentence:I've gone my whole life

thinking there was an unusual amount of drama, poor decisions, confusing

reactions and incongruent behaviors, knowing that other mothers didn't behave

like mine did... but had no idea there was an actual diagnosis or name for

this. It was such an incredible relief to know it was not normal, and I was

not crazy!

I can relate to you on so many levels!! I have often pretended my mom was

" normal " to other people because I've known for a long time she wasn't like

anyone else's mom. I also used to grieve a lot that I didn't have that " mother

figure " in my life because all my mom can focus on (and talk about) is herself

and her surroundings. I gave up having a true mother-figure really interested in

my life a long time ago.

My mom is also the middle child in a family of 5 siblings and she has 2 sisters.

She is often at odds with her sisters and for years I have been manipulated by

my mom to think they exclude her from things just to be mean. But I'm starting

to realize she probably gives them the same crap she gives me and they need the

distance for sanity's sake. I have wanted to call them so many times over the

last week but hesitate each time. My mom views her younger sister as " good " and

her older sister as " bad " . The " bad " one is often the one telling my mom she has

lost her mind, lol. The younger one just quietly listens and never says

anything. In fact, I know that the older one has told my mom several times

before she needed to treat me like a daughter and quit unloading her life on

me......(maybe I should make that call)

Anyway, thank you for sharing. So very many similarities to my own life in your

story! I really need to start reading these books.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 6:26:33 PM

Subject: Re: BPD mother and her therapist

Ohh yes, I totally understand ... their behavior just crosses boundaries,

pushes the limits - and then you're (justifiably) mad, and don't even want

to try to make things better, because we are always the ones that need to

just suck it up and smooth it out, pretend it didn't happen, whatever. We

are always hurt by it, yet somehow THEIR hurt trumps all. Somehow things

slide back to where they were.

I only recently learned about BPD at all myself, and found this board, got

the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and also the Borderline Mother book...

it was definitely an awakening, coming out of the FOG -- or even just being

aware that there was such a thing as FOG! (fear, obligation, guilt) I've

gone my whole life thinking there was an unusual amount of drama, poor

decisions, confusing reactions and incongruent behaviors, knowing that other

mothers didn't behave like mine did... but had no idea there was an actual

diagnosis or name for this. It was such an incredible relief to know it was

not normal, and I was not crazy!

I was once told by an older cousin that I hardly knew, at a family event,

that I was " remarkably well adjusted " . I was only about 18 at the time,

and I remember being taken back by that comment. It was literally the first

time I remember that anyone had even hinted to me personally that things

were not right with my situation. Since I've been going through this recent

learning, processing, healing mode, I've been in a lot of communication

with my mom's 2 sisters. BPD mom is the middle sister... (anyone notice any

trend to that?) Both of my aunts have been wonderfully supportive of me

as I go through this. They both have finally started to come out of the FOG

themselves, and even though I am leading this charge and taking the brunt

of the grieving what has never been, they are recognizing, naming,

admitting, and discussing years of this same old crap with her. They have both

mothered me in many ways and I usually cry when they do because it's so

touching and foreign. One recently apologized to me, saying she wished she had

been there for me growing up -- that she had recognized and understood

better the full situation I grew up with as an only child of a single BPD mom.

I understand - she had her own husband, little kids, new state, etc. -- her

own life! -- to live and handle. But it's nice to hear, anyway, and all

of this ultimately I think leads to healing if we're open to it.

But did I mention... this. is. so. hard!!!!!!!!!

Unloading a little myself - thanks for listening!!

Star