Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 > > Yeah, Well, I was about 26 when she said those things. i'm going to be > 36 soon. My solution was to just not speak to her again. > > You gotta learn NOT to play the game, girl! > > Nada: When are you going to give me grandchildren? > You: As soon as you give me a mother. So anyway, I think my migraines > are caused by being a freaking KO! > > Nada: I think I know why you have always been mad at me. > You: I m not going to discuss my feelings with you. So how bout them > Steelers? > > Do. > > NOT. > > Play. > > Her. > > Games. > > You will lose, she will hurt you. An interesting game Professor > Falken. The only winning move is not to play. > > Doug > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Nada: When are you going to give me grandchildren? You: As soon as you give me a mother. There you have it. The absolute, all-time perfect comeback! Where were you when I needed this line??? Amy Re: the visit GSC, You gotta learn NOT to play the game, girl! Nada: When are you going to give me grandchildren? You: As soon as you give me a mother. So anyway, I think my migraines are caused by being a freaking KO! Nada: I think I know why you have always been mad at me. You: I m not going to discuss my feelings with you. So how bout them Steelers? Do. NOT. Play. Her. Games. You will lose, she will hurt you. An interesting game Professor Falken. The only winning move is not to play. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 " The only winning move is not to play. " You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 That is a really good illustration of that technique, of just mirroring back the bpd's feelings to her without engaging in defending yourself. This is a wonderful technique, but it takes a certain mental discipline to do it and I think it also takes being emotionally detached so that you are able to not take the accusations (or the begging or the threats) personally. Its the equivalent of being a customer services representative, and listening calmly to an irate customer complain about the sales person who sold her the widget: its not about you at all, you're just there to listen and validate. Being able to switch off one's emotions and listen to false accusations against oneself *as though listening to accusations against some unknown third party* is the key. I can't do this yet. I am *so* not detached enough. I would LOVE to be able to do this, though. At this point all my " insulation " has been worn away and just hearing my nada's voice can give me the beginnings of a migraine headache. But, maybe with therapy I can reach that goal. I like to think of it as " compassionate detachment. " That's great that you can do that, I think its awesome. -Annie > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 I want to be able to do this so much!!!!! But I am not there emotionally. I know it is detachment but I still have this knawing little ache that she will see the errors of her ways and change. I am learning to parent my inner child. It is strange but I am hoping that it will work. .. Subject: Re: the visit To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, December 8, 2010, 12:22 PM  That is a really good illustration of that technique, of just mirroring back the bpd's feelings to her without engaging in defending yourself. This is a wonderful technique, but it takes a certain mental discipline to do it and I think it also takes being emotionally detached so that you are able to not take the accusations (or the begging or the threats) personally. Its the equivalent of being a customer services representative, and listening calmly to an irate customer complain about the sales person who sold her the widget: its not about you at all, you're just there to listen and validate. Being able to switch off one's emotions and listen to false accusations against oneself *as though listening to accusations against some unknown third party* is the key. I can't do this yet. I am *so* not detached enough. I would LOVE to be able to do this, though. At this point all my " insulation " has been worn away and just hearing my nada's voice can give me the beginnings of a migraine headache. But, maybe with therapy I can reach that goal. I like to think of it as " compassionate detachment. " That's great that you can do that, I think its awesome. -Annie > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 I want to be able to do this so much!!!!! But I am not there emotionally. I know it is detachment but I still have this knawing little ache that she will see the errors of her ways and change. I am learning to parent my inner child. It is strange but I am hoping that it will work. .. Subject: Re: the visit To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, December 8, 2010, 12:22 PM  That is a really good illustration of that technique, of just mirroring back the bpd's feelings to her without engaging in defending yourself. This is a wonderful technique, but it takes a certain mental discipline to do it and I think it also takes being emotionally detached so that you are able to not take the accusations (or the begging or the threats) personally. Its the equivalent of being a customer services representative, and listening calmly to an irate customer complain about the sales person who sold her the widget: its not about you at all, you're just there to listen and validate. Being able to switch off one's emotions and listen to false accusations against oneself *as though listening to accusations against some unknown third party* is the key. I can't do this yet. I am *so* not detached enough. I would LOVE to be able to do this, though. At this point all my " insulation " has been worn away and just hearing my nada's voice can give me the beginnings of a migraine headache. But, maybe with therapy I can reach that goal. I like to think of it as " compassionate detachment. " That's great that you can do that, I think its awesome. -Annie > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Yes, " mirroring " ! Thanks Annie, I knew there was a name for it, but couldn't remember what it was. And yeah, it takes a lot of emotional detachment. I had three or four conversations with her over this, and each time I hung up the phone with a headache. And I'm still rankling over the accusations she makes: I'm hard-hearted, selfish, rigid, and ungrateful. But I got to a place where I got rid of what you, Felicia, so accurately called a " gnawing little ache " . And it feels good. I slide back sometimes, I make mistakes constantly, but I remind myself (and you all remind me, too!) that I am not responsible for her healing. Letting go of that responsibility is freeing, in between moments where I'm struggling to not react in the ways I've been trained to do for years: fixing her problems, taking the blame, stifling my own identity. Maybe she will " get it " someday, but she sure doesn't want to hear it from me. > > > > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Yes, " mirroring " ! Thanks Annie, I knew there was a name for it, but couldn't remember what it was. And yeah, it takes a lot of emotional detachment. I had three or four conversations with her over this, and each time I hung up the phone with a headache. And I'm still rankling over the accusations she makes: I'm hard-hearted, selfish, rigid, and ungrateful. But I got to a place where I got rid of what you, Felicia, so accurately called a " gnawing little ache " . And it feels good. I slide back sometimes, I make mistakes constantly, but I remind myself (and you all remind me, too!) that I am not responsible for her healing. Letting go of that responsibility is freeing, in between moments where I'm struggling to not react in the ways I've been trained to do for years: fixing her problems, taking the blame, stifling my own identity. Maybe she will " get it " someday, but she sure doesn't want to hear it from me. > > > > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 I'd like to also say that was an excellent illustration. I think I'm gonna have to use it soon! ;-) > > > > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Hey Girlscout! Yeah, I'd say that qualifies as NOT PLAYING. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > Yeah, Well, I was about 26 when she said those things. i'm going to be > > 36 soon. My solution was to just not speak to her again. > > > > > > > You gotta learn NOT to play the game, girl! > > > > Nada: When are you going to give me grandchildren? > > You: As soon as you give me a mother. So anyway, I think my migraines > > are caused by being a freaking KO! > > > > Nada: I think I know why you have always been mad at me. > > You: I m not going to discuss my feelings with you. So how bout them > > Steelers? > > > > Do. > > > > NOT. > > > > Play. > > > > Her. > > > > Games. > > > > You will lose, she will hurt you. An interesting game Professor > > Falken. The only winning move is not to play. > > > > Doug > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Hey Girlscout! Yeah, I'd say that qualifies as NOT PLAYING. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > Yeah, Well, I was about 26 when she said those things. i'm going to be > > 36 soon. My solution was to just not speak to her again. > > > > > > > You gotta learn NOT to play the game, girl! > > > > Nada: When are you going to give me grandchildren? > > You: As soon as you give me a mother. So anyway, I think my migraines > > are caused by being a freaking KO! > > > > Nada: I think I know why you have always been mad at me. > > You: I m not going to discuss my feelings with you. So how bout them > > Steelers? > > > > Do. > > > > NOT. > > > > Play. > > > > Her. > > > > Games. > > > > You will lose, she will hurt you. An interesting game Professor > > Falken. The only winning move is not to play. > > > > Doug > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Hey Girlscout! Yeah, I'd say that qualifies as NOT PLAYING. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > Yeah, Well, I was about 26 when she said those things. i'm going to be > > 36 soon. My solution was to just not speak to her again. > > > > > > > You gotta learn NOT to play the game, girl! > > > > Nada: When are you going to give me grandchildren? > > You: As soon as you give me a mother. So anyway, I think my migraines > > are caused by being a freaking KO! > > > > Nada: I think I know why you have always been mad at me. > > You: I m not going to discuss my feelings with you. So how bout them > > Steelers? > > > > Do. > > > > NOT. > > > > Play. > > > > Her. > > > > Games. > > > > You will lose, she will hurt you. An interesting game Professor > > Falken. The only winning move is not to play. > > > > Doug > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Good advice for those of us in LC. I stumbled upon a good one myself. I was holding the phone away from my ear when she rambled because I couldn't handle it anymore. I basically didn't answer anything because I didn't actually hear it anyway. Who knows what she said? This happened a few times last month because I was going through all this emotional upheaval over the realizations of BPD and KOs and all this stuff (October when I found you all). Now she isn't even bothering to rant; even in person! I guess if she didn't know I wasn't listening, she processed it as a non-response. Worked great and accidentally. Also, I have started interrupting her constantly like she does me. I use no rules of courtesy. It's actually kind of fun. (I only do this when we're alone or on the phone.) I've been enjoying talking with her for the first time in a long time because I just DON'T CARE about all the crap! Not " good " advice, but it's all I could muster at the time. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Good advice for those of us in LC. I stumbled upon a good one myself. I was holding the phone away from my ear when she rambled because I couldn't handle it anymore. I basically didn't answer anything because I didn't actually hear it anyway. Who knows what she said? This happened a few times last month because I was going through all this emotional upheaval over the realizations of BPD and KOs and all this stuff (October when I found you all). Now she isn't even bothering to rant; even in person! I guess if she didn't know I wasn't listening, she processed it as a non-response. Worked great and accidentally. Also, I have started interrupting her constantly like she does me. I use no rules of courtesy. It's actually kind of fun. (I only do this when we're alone or on the phone.) I've been enjoying talking with her for the first time in a long time because I just DON'T CARE about all the crap! Not " good " advice, but it's all I could muster at the time. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > " The only winning move is not to play. " > > You're right, Doug, it is nuclear war! > > > One thing I notice about your scenarios is that they don't involve defending yourself. I just recently learned how useless it is to try, since she can always invent things or just plain refuse to agree with the obvious truth. Instead, I decided to try this: > > Nada: You know, Jgar, I told you this was important to me and you still wouldn't go. If I can't expect that you'll be there for things like this, then I can't expect anything from you at all. > > Jgar: It must be awful to feel that way. > > Nada: It is. You live there in your house and it's all about you and your husband and you don't give a fuck about anyone else. > > Jgar: It was not my intention to cause you pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. > > Nada: I tried so hard to raise you and your brother, and I just feel like (insert mentally ill ravings about how she expects me to be her mother). Remember when (insert instance of youth in which she was actually being kind, though with fictional embellishments, and omitting that it was probably in response to something awful she did)? Do you understand what I'm saying? > > Jgar: I hear what you're saying. I just don't see it that way. I guess I'm just not capable of understanding. I'm sorry. > > > > And you know, after three or four rounds of my giving her absolutely no material to work with, she just ran out of things to say. I stopped making her feel that she had to defend herself, and even she got tired of saying the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. It was magical. It was hard to fight the impulse to correct her when she made things up or defend myself from false accusations, but it was worth it. She's now acting as if our most recent disagreement never happened. And when she tries to bring it up again in a few months to guilt me into something else I don't want to do, I'll use the same technique: I can't, I'm sorry, I hear you, Sounds awful. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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