Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Does this ring a bell with anyone here? Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " OK. It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. Ring a bell with anyone?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 yes...of course your experience with your parents was private, and like no one else could ever imagine because it was all in private and secretive. my parents are the sweetest people you will ever imagine...but not when i needed them, as parents and in private. no one will ever know how my parents tortured my mind and feelings, and trust. everyone tells me that my parents are funny and loving. when i told my dad that i felt i had no way out of this mess (when i was about 22), and i told him i was thinking of killing myself...he said, " why don't you just go do it " my mom projected onto me everything that she wished for, but couldn't be...and broke my heart and my spirit for years and years. sure, they were sweet to others, but not to me...and i could never convince anyone if i tried what horrible role models they both were back then. and i too didn't know which way was up or down and got myself into many misunderstandings with people because I didn't know how to act with certain people. you are not at fault, and you are still foggy about the details, because you were brainwashed and still suffer the effects...I suffer the same fate to this date. I question myself constantly...but you know what...we didn't make this up. I also have apologized to many people in my past because that's who I am...and feel the need to clean up my tracks with people and make peace with my own past. Don't expect everyone to understand...they just can't. amy like Rashomon Does this ring a bell with anyone here? Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " OK. It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. Ring a bell with anyone?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 yes...of course your experience with your parents was private, and like no one else could ever imagine because it was all in private and secretive. my parents are the sweetest people you will ever imagine...but not when i needed them, as parents and in private. no one will ever know how my parents tortured my mind and feelings, and trust. everyone tells me that my parents are funny and loving. when i told my dad that i felt i had no way out of this mess (when i was about 22), and i told him i was thinking of killing myself...he said, " why don't you just go do it " my mom projected onto me everything that she wished for, but couldn't be...and broke my heart and my spirit for years and years. sure, they were sweet to others, but not to me...and i could never convince anyone if i tried what horrible role models they both were back then. and i too didn't know which way was up or down and got myself into many misunderstandings with people because I didn't know how to act with certain people. you are not at fault, and you are still foggy about the details, because you were brainwashed and still suffer the effects...I suffer the same fate to this date. I question myself constantly...but you know what...we didn't make this up. I also have apologized to many people in my past because that's who I am...and feel the need to clean up my tracks with people and make peace with my own past. Don't expect everyone to understand...they just can't. amy like Rashomon Does this ring a bell with anyone here? Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " OK. It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. Ring a bell with anyone?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 ((((Justice)))) Oh my gosh, you poor kid; how invalidating that must have felt for your former roommate to praise your parents and reprimand you without even wanting to hear your side of the story, and then for your husband to get angry at you for thinking you bought into the ex-roommate's golden assessment of your parents. How unsupportive that was. The " mask " of charming adorableness is what my nada always wore and still wears in public. She is the very picture of the sweet, fragile, white-haired little old lady, now. Sounds like both your parents were and are very high-functioning also, like my nada. They could wait and control themselves when they needed to, around other people. Only Sister, dad and I (and mom's foo) knew what my mother was really like behind the privacy of closed doors, and even dad didn't see the worst of her raging, violent behaviors toward Sister and me when he wasn't there. It IS crazy-making, to have your parents treat you one way in public and treat you in harsh, scary, punitive, hateful ways in private. Sociopaths (aka psychopaths, antisocial pds) are quite good at wearing the mask (or the sheep's clothing) in public and passing themselves off as " nice " . It really helps me that my younger Sister and I can confirm and validate our current and past experiences with each other; we are each other's reality check. But it has also helped me a lot to just write down my memories, like a kind of retro-diary, AND to write a current journal of experiences/encounters with nada so that I can validate myself, too. If you try jotting down some of your growing-up memories and keeping a diary, I bet you'll be pleased at how self-validating that is. -Annie > > Does this ring a bell with anyone here? > > Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. > > I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. > > Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " > > OK. > > It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. > > My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. > > Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " > > My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " > > At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? > > I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. > > My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. > > Ring a bell with anyone?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 ((((Justice)))) Oh my gosh, you poor kid; how invalidating that must have felt for your former roommate to praise your parents and reprimand you without even wanting to hear your side of the story, and then for your husband to get angry at you for thinking you bought into the ex-roommate's golden assessment of your parents. How unsupportive that was. The " mask " of charming adorableness is what my nada always wore and still wears in public. She is the very picture of the sweet, fragile, white-haired little old lady, now. Sounds like both your parents were and are very high-functioning also, like my nada. They could wait and control themselves when they needed to, around other people. Only Sister, dad and I (and mom's foo) knew what my mother was really like behind the privacy of closed doors, and even dad didn't see the worst of her raging, violent behaviors toward Sister and me when he wasn't there. It IS crazy-making, to have your parents treat you one way in public and treat you in harsh, scary, punitive, hateful ways in private. Sociopaths (aka psychopaths, antisocial pds) are quite good at wearing the mask (or the sheep's clothing) in public and passing themselves off as " nice " . It really helps me that my younger Sister and I can confirm and validate our current and past experiences with each other; we are each other's reality check. But it has also helped me a lot to just write down my memories, like a kind of retro-diary, AND to write a current journal of experiences/encounters with nada so that I can validate myself, too. If you try jotting down some of your growing-up memories and keeping a diary, I bet you'll be pleased at how self-validating that is. -Annie > > Does this ring a bell with anyone here? > > Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. > > I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. > > Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " > > OK. > > It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. > > My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. > > Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " > > My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " > > At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? > > I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. > > My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. > > Ring a bell with anyone?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Justice--you asked " does this ring a bell with anyone? " My bells are going " CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG!! " I'm so sorry that happened. No matter what, going through those situations always trip me up. OF COURSE you believed her for a moment. When you're brainwashed from birth to believe something--no matter how crazy--you can't help but trigger when you hear that crap again. It's practically a conditioned response. Those reactions from others also kick up my little-girl false hopes. " Maybe, just maybe, " my triggers scream " it IS my imagination. And then, I can go and be part of that normal family I've misunderstood all these years! " Sheesh. Just to confirm: yes, they were that bad. Yes, you hid it back then--you were in college and completely brainwashed. I was completely brainwashed until they almost drove me to a nervous breakdown in my mid-30s. Yes, your parents put on a good show in front of others and fooled all those around you. A couple of thoughts, if they serve: The more people want to argue against me when I discuss my abusive parents and/or ex-husband, the more they are trying to hold on to their own lies for their own dysfunctional needs. For example: Once, when I reached out for help during a particuarly frightening time during the divorce, the woman I reached out to essentially attacked me. She shamed me and derided me told me I was a horrible wife--that was the only reason he was leaving, stalking, abusing, etc was because I wasn't working hard enough at being a good wife and my horrid character chased him away. After I picked my emotional state up off the floor, I realized she was in an abusive marriage herself. Her arguments didn't make sense, and there was a desperation to her criticism. (She even said: " I don't think any woman has a right to claim abuse unless she is literally about to die in the next few moments " YIKES!) Since she wasn't dealing with her stuff, and she needed to stay in denial. And. . . if she didn't see my bad situation, she didn't have to see hers. My point is your college roomate sounds like she's got her own stuff to deal with. Which isn't reflective of you at all. She also may have said those just to be cruel. Who knows? At the end of the day, you did the right thing. Her response is triggering and horrible, but her response isn't what is most important. You made amends. Those don't always go like we want them to, but you were strong enough and a functional enough to do what was right. You are a person of great courage. You might want to read some material from the 12-step programs on the " amends " step. It talks a lot about this exact situation. Making amends is about freeing ourselves, not about making the other person understand us. Hope you feel better soon--it's tough to go through this, but I have every confidence you will be " grounded " again soon. Blessings, Karla > > Does this ring a bell with anyone here? > > Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. > > I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. > > Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " > > OK. > > It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. > > My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. > > Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " > > My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " > > At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? > > I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. > > My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. > > Ring a bell with anyone?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Justice--you asked " does this ring a bell with anyone? " My bells are going " CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG!! " I'm so sorry that happened. No matter what, going through those situations always trip me up. OF COURSE you believed her for a moment. When you're brainwashed from birth to believe something--no matter how crazy--you can't help but trigger when you hear that crap again. It's practically a conditioned response. Those reactions from others also kick up my little-girl false hopes. " Maybe, just maybe, " my triggers scream " it IS my imagination. And then, I can go and be part of that normal family I've misunderstood all these years! " Sheesh. Just to confirm: yes, they were that bad. Yes, you hid it back then--you were in college and completely brainwashed. I was completely brainwashed until they almost drove me to a nervous breakdown in my mid-30s. Yes, your parents put on a good show in front of others and fooled all those around you. A couple of thoughts, if they serve: The more people want to argue against me when I discuss my abusive parents and/or ex-husband, the more they are trying to hold on to their own lies for their own dysfunctional needs. For example: Once, when I reached out for help during a particuarly frightening time during the divorce, the woman I reached out to essentially attacked me. She shamed me and derided me told me I was a horrible wife--that was the only reason he was leaving, stalking, abusing, etc was because I wasn't working hard enough at being a good wife and my horrid character chased him away. After I picked my emotional state up off the floor, I realized she was in an abusive marriage herself. Her arguments didn't make sense, and there was a desperation to her criticism. (She even said: " I don't think any woman has a right to claim abuse unless she is literally about to die in the next few moments " YIKES!) Since she wasn't dealing with her stuff, and she needed to stay in denial. And. . . if she didn't see my bad situation, she didn't have to see hers. My point is your college roomate sounds like she's got her own stuff to deal with. Which isn't reflective of you at all. She also may have said those just to be cruel. Who knows? At the end of the day, you did the right thing. Her response is triggering and horrible, but her response isn't what is most important. You made amends. Those don't always go like we want them to, but you were strong enough and a functional enough to do what was right. You are a person of great courage. You might want to read some material from the 12-step programs on the " amends " step. It talks a lot about this exact situation. Making amends is about freeing ourselves, not about making the other person understand us. Hope you feel better soon--it's tough to go through this, but I have every confidence you will be " grounded " again soon. Blessings, Karla > > Does this ring a bell with anyone here? > > Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. > > I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. > > Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " > > OK. > > It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. > > My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. > > Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " > > My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " > > At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? > > I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. > > My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. > > Ring a bell with anyone?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Thanks so much, folks. I needed a reality check! The thing about old friends and roommates is that they think THEY are giving you a reality check, because they were " there. " And because THEIR parents did not act so very different in public than they did in private. I think that's what sets BPD families apart. You're home alone with them, and they're shrieking at you, or sweeping all the stuff off your desk onto the floor in a rage, or they're mocking you, mimicking your voice, sniffing your fingers to see where they've been, or they're staring into mirrors saying " I'm a fat ugly hog " over and over. That's what they do when you and only you are there to see them. Then they meet your friends and roommates and they're like, " Hi, I'm so proud of my daughter, isn't she wonderful? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Thanks so much, folks. I needed a reality check! The thing about old friends and roommates is that they think THEY are giving you a reality check, because they were " there. " And because THEIR parents did not act so very different in public than they did in private. I think that's what sets BPD families apart. You're home alone with them, and they're shrieking at you, or sweeping all the stuff off your desk onto the floor in a rage, or they're mocking you, mimicking your voice, sniffing your fingers to see where they've been, or they're staring into mirrors saying " I'm a fat ugly hog " over and over. That's what they do when you and only you are there to see them. Then they meet your friends and roommates and they're like, " Hi, I'm so proud of my daughter, isn't she wonderful? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 oh, honey, those are HER issues, screamingly. Please don't internalize it. She DOES NOT feel 'so hurt on behalf of your parents'. Bullsh*t. She feels her own guilt and conflict about her relationship with her own parents. Many hugs. You can just say " well, here, you can have them. Happy? " > > Does this ring a bell with anyone here? > > Last month I reconnected with my old college roommate. We lived together for three years but had not spoken or seen each other since the '80s. Borrowing an idea from 12 Step (although I am not an addict and not officially a member of a 12 Step group), I formally apologized to her for having not been very nice to her way back when -- for having been shallow and thoughtless and not really knowing how to treat people. > > I told her that my parents had not taught me how to be a decent person, and that I have been trying to teach myself how to be a decent person in all the years since college. I told her that my mother is Borderline and my dad, not a dishrag, could be a very angry and demeaning man. > > Yesterday my old roommate said, " Look, I feel really bad when you say these things about your parents because I knew your parents and they were really nice. Your dad was hilariously funny and your mom was so friendly and outgoing, and they both loved you with all their hearts! They did everything for you! They cared so much about what you were studying and doing in your life! They made so many sacrifices for you! In all the time I knew you, you NEVER told me anything bad about your childhood or said ANYthing bad about your parents. I'm really hurt on behalf of your parents when you say these awful things about them! Sure, no parents are perfect, but your parents did the best they could and I know with 100 percent certainty that they loved you and that you were their whole world!!! " > > OK. > > It was like that Japanese film Rashomon, in which a bunch of different people view a crime but every witness tells a completely different version of what they saw. Out of the blue, my former roommate says this stuff. And I'm thinking: What??? Those five years I spent in therapy narrating my childhood memories -- was I making all that stuff up? My therapist said I had been emotionally abused. My husband, who first met my parents when I was still living with that roommate, has always said that my mother is " bonkers " and that my dad didn't like me. He has spent the last two decades dealing with my fears and anxiety and low self-esteem, which he blames completely on my BPD mom. > > My roommate was basically saying that I had come up with this " Mom is crazy, dad was mean " stuff for some bizarre reason (she hinted that my husband had told me to feel this way so that his own bad childhood wouldn't seem so bad). And that it was completely off-the-charts wrong. > > Afterwards, I told my husband this -- I said, " Isn't it weird, she remembers a whole different pair of people? " > > My husband then had a total fit. " You sound like you believe her!!!!! You're still entangled with your parents!!!!!! It's worse than I thought!!!!!!!! You don't even know or trust your own reality!!!!!!! Are you so empty inside that you STILL don't know what's real -- at YOUR age????? I'm shocked and I'm hurt that you would even believe her for half a second!!!!!! " > > At this point I feel almost numb. I never told my roommate anything bad about my parents -- because as a college kid I was still completely in their grip? I was still their little robot? I thought everyone's parents yelled at them and called them swear words, so it didn't seem bad or wrong to me yet? > > I had been dealing with the FOG that plagues adult children of BPDs -- fear, obligation, guilt. The guilt is the worst part lately. > > My roommate's remarks just amped up my guilt. Now my husband is furious at me for letting this happen. > > Ring a bell with anyone?? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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