Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Hi , I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a heartbreaking and stressful situation right now. I feel for your pain. I lost my dad about 14 years ago now, at about this time of year. It still hurts. I still miss him so. You already have a lot of insight that none of this unrelenting and senseless drama is your fault. Your parents are and have been for some time in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship: I hope you realize and accept that you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. You have the right to not inform your mother about your visits to your father. She has no right to know where you go and what you do. You have the right to keep your personal information private. Please do not feel obligated to tell your mother when you plan to visit your dad, or if you did visit him; its not her business. The terminal illness of a parent is a very, very hard thing to go through, even without the complicating factor of having a personality-disordered other parent to deal with on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a lot of slack. It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter if you just can't handle contact with your mother right now, or need to significantly limit the contact; please believe that. I'm sure other members here also understand what a very stressful and difficult place you're in now, feel for you, and support you, having experienced very similar situations. Its just not really very fair at all, not at all, to have a parent or parents with personality disorder. All we can to is try our best. Truly. My thoughts and prayers are with you. -Annie > > Hello, > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Hi , I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a heartbreaking and stressful situation right now. I feel for your pain. I lost my dad about 14 years ago now, at about this time of year. It still hurts. I still miss him so. You already have a lot of insight that none of this unrelenting and senseless drama is your fault. Your parents are and have been for some time in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship: I hope you realize and accept that you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. You have the right to not inform your mother about your visits to your father. She has no right to know where you go and what you do. You have the right to keep your personal information private. Please do not feel obligated to tell your mother when you plan to visit your dad, or if you did visit him; its not her business. The terminal illness of a parent is a very, very hard thing to go through, even without the complicating factor of having a personality-disordered other parent to deal with on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a lot of slack. It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter if you just can't handle contact with your mother right now, or need to significantly limit the contact; please believe that. I'm sure other members here also understand what a very stressful and difficult place you're in now, feel for you, and support you, having experienced very similar situations. Its just not really very fair at all, not at all, to have a parent or parents with personality disorder. All we can to is try our best. Truly. My thoughts and prayers are with you. -Annie > > Hello, > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Hi , I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a heartbreaking and stressful situation right now. I feel for your pain. I lost my dad about 14 years ago now, at about this time of year. It still hurts. I still miss him so. You already have a lot of insight that none of this unrelenting and senseless drama is your fault. Your parents are and have been for some time in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship: I hope you realize and accept that you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. You have the right to not inform your mother about your visits to your father. She has no right to know where you go and what you do. You have the right to keep your personal information private. Please do not feel obligated to tell your mother when you plan to visit your dad, or if you did visit him; its not her business. The terminal illness of a parent is a very, very hard thing to go through, even without the complicating factor of having a personality-disordered other parent to deal with on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a lot of slack. It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter if you just can't handle contact with your mother right now, or need to significantly limit the contact; please believe that. I'm sure other members here also understand what a very stressful and difficult place you're in now, feel for you, and support you, having experienced very similar situations. Its just not really very fair at all, not at all, to have a parent or parents with personality disorder. All we can to is try our best. Truly. My thoughts and prayers are with you. -Annie > > Hello, > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 I'm sorry hon, seems that the answer to dealing with BPD always comes down to either LC or NC (low contact or no contact). I wouldn't even tell her I was going. I might go NC, at least until after you get to enjoy your time with your dad as much as possible. On Sun, Nov 21, 2010 at 5:21 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Hi , > > I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a heartbreaking and > stressful situation right now. I feel for your pain. I lost my dad about 14 > years ago now, at about this time of year. It still hurts. > I still miss him so. > > You already have a lot of insight that none of this unrelenting and > senseless drama is your fault. Your parents are and have been for some time > in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship: I hope you realize and accept > that you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. > > You have the right to not inform your mother about your visits to your > father. She has no right to know where you go and what you do. > You have the right to keep your personal information private. Please do not > feel obligated to tell your mother when you plan to visit your dad, or if > you did visit him; its not her business. > > The terminal illness of a parent is a very, very hard thing to go through, > even without the complicating factor of having a personality-disordered > other parent to deal with on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a > lot of slack. It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter if you > just can't handle contact with your mother right now, or need to > significantly limit the contact; please believe that. > > I'm sure other members here also understand what a very stressful and > difficult place you're in now, feel for you, and support you, having > experienced very similar situations. > > Its just not really very fair at all, not at all, to have a parent or > parents with personality disorder. > > All we can to is try our best. Truly. > > My thoughts and prayers are with you. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all > and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who > is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has > really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made > significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my > mother. > > > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 > years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for > which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely > diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a > straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of > attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her > target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of > her chaos. > > > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an > understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to > triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one > parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. > It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through > mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a > different story. > > > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is > because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week > my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his > organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's > enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found > out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I > should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next > day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father > who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and > tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's > dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been > and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me > constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this > information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She > continues to ask. > > > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is > urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to > contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking > for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for > her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I > visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's > making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I > don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me > emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room > when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. > She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and > when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. > Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit > my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has > nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I > can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that > she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For > example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her > while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to > 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her > telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate > like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan > for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think > straight. > > > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 I'm sorry hon, seems that the answer to dealing with BPD always comes down to either LC or NC (low contact or no contact). I wouldn't even tell her I was going. I might go NC, at least until after you get to enjoy your time with your dad as much as possible. On Sun, Nov 21, 2010 at 5:21 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Hi , > > I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a heartbreaking and > stressful situation right now. I feel for your pain. I lost my dad about 14 > years ago now, at about this time of year. It still hurts. > I still miss him so. > > You already have a lot of insight that none of this unrelenting and > senseless drama is your fault. Your parents are and have been for some time > in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship: I hope you realize and accept > that you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. > > You have the right to not inform your mother about your visits to your > father. She has no right to know where you go and what you do. > You have the right to keep your personal information private. Please do not > feel obligated to tell your mother when you plan to visit your dad, or if > you did visit him; its not her business. > > The terminal illness of a parent is a very, very hard thing to go through, > even without the complicating factor of having a personality-disordered > other parent to deal with on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a > lot of slack. It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter if you > just can't handle contact with your mother right now, or need to > significantly limit the contact; please believe that. > > I'm sure other members here also understand what a very stressful and > difficult place you're in now, feel for you, and support you, having > experienced very similar situations. > > Its just not really very fair at all, not at all, to have a parent or > parents with personality disorder. > > All we can to is try our best. Truly. > > My thoughts and prayers are with you. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all > and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who > is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has > really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made > significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my > mother. > > > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 > years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for > which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely > diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a > straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of > attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her > target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of > her chaos. > > > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an > understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to > triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one > parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. > It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through > mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a > different story. > > > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is > because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week > my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his > organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's > enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found > out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I > should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next > day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father > who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and > tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's > dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been > and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me > constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this > information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She > continues to ask. > > > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is > urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to > contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking > for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for > her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I > visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's > making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I > don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me > emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room > when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. > She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and > when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. > Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit > my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has > nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I > can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that > she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For > example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her > while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to > 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her > telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate > like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan > for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think > straight. > > > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 I'm sorry hon, seems that the answer to dealing with BPD always comes down to either LC or NC (low contact or no contact). I wouldn't even tell her I was going. I might go NC, at least until after you get to enjoy your time with your dad as much as possible. On Sun, Nov 21, 2010 at 5:21 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Hi , > > I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a heartbreaking and > stressful situation right now. I feel for your pain. I lost my dad about 14 > years ago now, at about this time of year. It still hurts. > I still miss him so. > > You already have a lot of insight that none of this unrelenting and > senseless drama is your fault. Your parents are and have been for some time > in an emotionally dysfunctional relationship: I hope you realize and accept > that you did not cause this, and you can't cure it. > > You have the right to not inform your mother about your visits to your > father. She has no right to know where you go and what you do. > You have the right to keep your personal information private. Please do not > feel obligated to tell your mother when you plan to visit your dad, or if > you did visit him; its not her business. > > The terminal illness of a parent is a very, very hard thing to go through, > even without the complicating factor of having a personality-disordered > other parent to deal with on top of it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a > lot of slack. It does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter if you > just can't handle contact with your mother right now, or need to > significantly limit the contact; please believe that. > > I'm sure other members here also understand what a very stressful and > difficult place you're in now, feel for you, and support you, having > experienced very similar situations. > > Its just not really very fair at all, not at all, to have a parent or > parents with personality disorder. > > All we can to is try our best. Truly. > > My thoughts and prayers are with you. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hello, > > > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all > and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who > is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has > really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made > significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my > mother. > > > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 > years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for > which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely > diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a > straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of > attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her > target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of > her chaos. > > > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an > understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to > triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one > parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. > It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through > mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a > different story. > > > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is > because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week > my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his > organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's > enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found > out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I > should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next > day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father > who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and > tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's > dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been > and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me > constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this > information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She > continues to ask. > > > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is > urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to > contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking > for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for > her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I > visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's > making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I > don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me > emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room > when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. > She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and > when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. > Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit > my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has > nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I > can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that > she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For > example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her > while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to > 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her > telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate > like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan > for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think > straight. > > > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Thank you, I agree that I shouldn't have to tell her I'm going. I was confused as to whether it'd be perceived as betrayal if I travelled all that way and didn't even drop by to say hello to her, but this is not a normal situation, and however she perceives it if she finds out will be just that: perception. One of my close friends warned me that my mother, being the way she is, may not like all of the attention on my dad and may cause some chaos of her own over the next few weeks. She already told me she thinks SHE'S dying, that she's been pooping blood for months. I asked her why she doesn't see a doctor, she said " Why, so he can tell me I have cancer TOO? " I said well, if you want to live to see your grandchildren one day ... She replied " Grandchildren!? How do you know you won't get hit by a car tomorrow and die!? " Actually, that last statement describes my mother in a nutshell. All warmth and fuzziness. Glad to have found you all! > > > > Hello, > > > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 My sympathies,.This is such a tough situation.I agree with Annie and Girlscout that you don't need to tell your mother at all when you go to visit your father.This just isn't a situation where you could explain any of your reasons,thoughts or feelings so that they would be heard (much less respected) because you're just not dealing with a rational person. Your mother really has you in a double bind--even if you took her up on her offer to " support " you (do what she says she wants),it's going to cause you too much stress.If you refuse her offer,it's going to cause you stress--but--perhaps less stress if you can find a way to manage this situation with *your* needs uppermost. You said that she keeps messaging you and then asking you why you're mad if you don't respond right away.Would it be possible to set a parameter by telling her for example that you will check in with her on one day only of the week,like: " I'll touch base with you every Friday evening by telephone but I can't call you on the other days.You will hear from me every Friday evening. " Of course she won't agree to that but for your own sake you could stick to that boundary,even to the point for now of not listening to or deleting her messages except the ones she leaves on a Friday.If it's really important,she will say the same thing on Friday that she said on Wednesday--and if the messages she leaves up to Friday are just her sounding off,you don't need to know about it. If she's a loose cannon she's going to be a loose cannon no matter what you do or don't do--and right now it just isn't fair to *you* to have to worry and wonder about what she'll do.Regardless of what you do or don't do,unfortunately there's no way to direct the behavior of a crazy person,although they're good at subtly blackmailing us into believing that if we do X or Y they will behave just a teensy bit better.When in fact we have no way of predicting that this will be the case--instead what we get is the worry of a possible worse case scenario. And since stressing over worse case scenarios is also the last thing you need right now,I'd suggest creating a few " getting through this " mantras for yourself. Such as: I'm going to visit my father and if my mother has a cow because I didn't square my plans with her first,I don't have to listen to her.I will say to her, " I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me.I will speak to you on Friday when you are feeling calmer. " If she's raging on Friday: " I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me.I will speak to you next Friday when you are feeling calmer. " In the meantime,delete her messages without listening to them. If the phone rings while you are at your father's house,let the call go to message.If it's your mother being " upset " ,repeat your mantra to yourself.Don't pick up.If she " drops by " while you are there,you can leave.You can tell her, " I have to go now.I can't talk right now.I will speak to you by telephone on Friday as usual. " No matter how she reacts.Yes,that's " allowing " her to cut your visit short but it is also removing yourself from the crossfire (or direct fire).It's far from ideal but you can have your visits with your father on your own terms--if she shows up that's the end of that particular visit,is all. When she asks you for health updates,you can say, " I'm not the one to ask that.You need to ask X. " (is there someone else she can ask?) If she asks you why,you can say, " That's just the way it is. " Again: like a mantra.If she protests: " I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me. " Even if she insists she isn't " yelling " : " I will speak to you next Friday when you are feeling calmer. " Or: " You're too upset right now for us to discuss this.I will speak to you next Friday when you are feeling calmer. " If she insists about giving you her " support " ,you can say, " I appreciate that but not this time.Thank you for your offer. " Like a mantra. In sum,you don't *have* to listen to her.Is there any way that you can meet with funeral directors during your visit to your father to see if you can find one who could accomodate you with some contingency plan for your mother's potentially volatile behavior at the funeral? I'd imagine that brain storming with funeral directors is also the very last thing you need right now but perhaps doing so would give you some ideas to minimize your mother turning the funeral into a circus.I don't know,but it might also be somewhat empowering to at least narrow down where the funeral will be held to places where the staff will understand the difficulties from *your* perspective and be on the same page with you.Funeral directors who have been in the business for years have experience handling " delicate " family situations--and if they aren't prepared to handle yours they will tell you,so right there you will be empowered with knowledge of where *not* to have the funeral. I'm sorry.I know it's got to be really hard.I don't know if any of this helps but you definitely have every right to visit your father without having to worry about what your mother is going " to do " about it. Take care, > > Hello, > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 My sympathies,.This is such a tough situation.I agree with Annie and Girlscout that you don't need to tell your mother at all when you go to visit your father.This just isn't a situation where you could explain any of your reasons,thoughts or feelings so that they would be heard (much less respected) because you're just not dealing with a rational person. Your mother really has you in a double bind--even if you took her up on her offer to " support " you (do what she says she wants),it's going to cause you too much stress.If you refuse her offer,it's going to cause you stress--but--perhaps less stress if you can find a way to manage this situation with *your* needs uppermost. You said that she keeps messaging you and then asking you why you're mad if you don't respond right away.Would it be possible to set a parameter by telling her for example that you will check in with her on one day only of the week,like: " I'll touch base with you every Friday evening by telephone but I can't call you on the other days.You will hear from me every Friday evening. " Of course she won't agree to that but for your own sake you could stick to that boundary,even to the point for now of not listening to or deleting her messages except the ones she leaves on a Friday.If it's really important,she will say the same thing on Friday that she said on Wednesday--and if the messages she leaves up to Friday are just her sounding off,you don't need to know about it. If she's a loose cannon she's going to be a loose cannon no matter what you do or don't do--and right now it just isn't fair to *you* to have to worry and wonder about what she'll do.Regardless of what you do or don't do,unfortunately there's no way to direct the behavior of a crazy person,although they're good at subtly blackmailing us into believing that if we do X or Y they will behave just a teensy bit better.When in fact we have no way of predicting that this will be the case--instead what we get is the worry of a possible worse case scenario. And since stressing over worse case scenarios is also the last thing you need right now,I'd suggest creating a few " getting through this " mantras for yourself. Such as: I'm going to visit my father and if my mother has a cow because I didn't square my plans with her first,I don't have to listen to her.I will say to her, " I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me.I will speak to you on Friday when you are feeling calmer. " If she's raging on Friday: " I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me.I will speak to you next Friday when you are feeling calmer. " In the meantime,delete her messages without listening to them. If the phone rings while you are at your father's house,let the call go to message.If it's your mother being " upset " ,repeat your mantra to yourself.Don't pick up.If she " drops by " while you are there,you can leave.You can tell her, " I have to go now.I can't talk right now.I will speak to you by telephone on Friday as usual. " No matter how she reacts.Yes,that's " allowing " her to cut your visit short but it is also removing yourself from the crossfire (or direct fire).It's far from ideal but you can have your visits with your father on your own terms--if she shows up that's the end of that particular visit,is all. When she asks you for health updates,you can say, " I'm not the one to ask that.You need to ask X. " (is there someone else she can ask?) If she asks you why,you can say, " That's just the way it is. " Again: like a mantra.If she protests: " I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me. " Even if she insists she isn't " yelling " : " I will speak to you next Friday when you are feeling calmer. " Or: " You're too upset right now for us to discuss this.I will speak to you next Friday when you are feeling calmer. " If she insists about giving you her " support " ,you can say, " I appreciate that but not this time.Thank you for your offer. " Like a mantra. In sum,you don't *have* to listen to her.Is there any way that you can meet with funeral directors during your visit to your father to see if you can find one who could accomodate you with some contingency plan for your mother's potentially volatile behavior at the funeral? I'd imagine that brain storming with funeral directors is also the very last thing you need right now but perhaps doing so would give you some ideas to minimize your mother turning the funeral into a circus.I don't know,but it might also be somewhat empowering to at least narrow down where the funeral will be held to places where the staff will understand the difficulties from *your* perspective and be on the same page with you.Funeral directors who have been in the business for years have experience handling " delicate " family situations--and if they aren't prepared to handle yours they will tell you,so right there you will be empowered with knowledge of where *not* to have the funeral. I'm sorry.I know it's got to be really hard.I don't know if any of this helps but you definitely have every right to visit your father without having to worry about what your mother is going " to do " about it. Take care, > > Hello, > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 , I agree with and what everyone else is saying. There are a lot of good advice here, I would definitely think about it, and prepare for some kind of new boundaries for yourself. Being firm about the rules that you set up is also very important. At the end of the day, you need to put your own needs first. I am sure it feels weird, but you need to think about exactly what it is that you need in these trying times. I agree that you should just go visit your father and not let your Mom know about it. It is none of her business. Of course, it feels like betrayal at first. But maybe, just maybe, you will feel that is it empowering to set up your own rules, after you're done with your father's visit. You might realise that the world didn't implose, and that it felt actually " right " . You are going to need some time and space for yourself, so really think about how much energy you want to spend dealing with your Mom. I feel for you, I wish you a lot of courage for the coming weeks. Coralie > > > > Hello, > > > > This is my first time posting in this forum so it's nice to meet you all and so great to have this place to turn to right now. I have a sibling who is undiagnosed BPD, who has caused me much grief and the Siblings group has really helped me through this. I've learned to set boundaries and have made significant progress in that area. But what brings me here today is my mother. > > > > Quick background info... My mother's been an alcoholic since I was 5 years old (25 years ago). She has done some crazy things over the years for which I've gotten a lot of therapy. I suspect she is BPD but is definitely diagnosed bipolar and has NPD traits as well. And some may say she's a straight out sociopath. My mother doesn't rage but does demand a lot of attention and does launch smear campaigns against people. I haven't been her target for years, but suffered from growing up in a household with all of her chaos. > > > > Almost 10 years ago she divorced my father. Hate would be an understatement to describe how they felt about eachother. They tried to triangulate through us, their daughters, and it's impossible to speak to one parent without them going into a rant about what an a*s the other parent is. It's all they can talk about. They send eachother nasty messages through mail. I even suspect one has burned down the other one's house but that's a different story. > > > > Needless to say, my mother's a handful. But the reason I come here now is because I have a difficult situation I'm not sure how to handle. Last week my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has ravaged two of his organs and his prognosis is 4-12 months. Very sad... he's very young. That's enough on my plate, but now I have to deal with my mother. When she found out she raged at me for half an hour, saying mean and nasty things like I should have sent him to a doctor (!) She calmed down overnight and the next day she was sweet as pie. The next day she attempted to contact my father who promptly told her to go to hell and not come near him. She called me and tried to rage about that. She said things like she doesn't care that he's dying, him telling her to go to hell confirms what an a*s he has always been and will always be. Fine... But she's not letting it go. She messages me constantly asking for his health updates. I don't want to give her this information so I suggest to her that she get the information elsewhere. She continues to ask. > > > > My mother's a loose canon. She's now telling me that her " friend " is urging her to contact my father despite his warning. I know she wants to contact him, I don't believe it's her friend who's urging her. She's looking for an excuse to start something and she can never take responsibility for her actions so she looks for scapegoats. She's also insisting that when I visit my father, that I stay with her which is NOT going to happen. She's making this all about her. I fear what a circus she will make his funeral. I don't know how to handle this. She's insisting that she wants to 'support me emotionally' and is hinting that she feels she should be present in the room when I visit my father, you know, to *support me*. Again, NOT optional. She's just crazy and I don't know what to do. She keeps messaging me and when I don't answer right away she asks why I'm mad at her. I'm not mad.. Ugh, she's draining me right now. > > > > My parents live in the same city and I live far away. I'm going to visit my father and I don't know how to tell my mother gently that this trip has nothing to do with her and that I don't want to see her while I'm there. I can't handle it. I'm afraid that with her constant need for drama, that she'll use me as an excuse to rage and to draw attention to herself. For example, focusing all of her hate and anger on me for not staying with her while I'm in town. Using my visit as an excuse to call my dad's house or to 'drop by'. The dramatic scenarios are too numerous. I can't even handle her telling me to " tell your dad that... " Even though I would never triangulate like this, I feel like I can't even handle LISTENING to her. I need a plan for this visit but with all of the grief I'm feeling I can't seem to think straight. > > > > Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. and thank you for listening! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Tee-I had to laugh at your caged monkey analogy. What a perfect way to described my entire childhood! I didn't join the army but I did join a cult at 21. I moved to college just a month after I turned 18. Even tho it was only 15 min from nadas house she never came to visit and when I visited her she refused to drive me back and forth. I had to take a bus that took almost two hours (countless stops and a transfer) to get me 10 miles from home! the cell phone thing is classic. Nada rages when my bro and I refuse stuff from her but we know the hidden costs are WAAAAAAY more than the benefit. I actually refused to get a cell phone til two years ago (I'm 36 now!). I didn't get one cuz I didn't want nada to be able to track me down all day long. > > Hi,I'm new to this group. Reading through some of the messages here > has been a bit of an eye opening experiance; The experances here are > pretty much my life with my mother. I haven't spoken to her since > leaving a voice mail the day I left for army basic training over two > years ago. She threw me out of the house at 2am during Christmas > break my senior year of college, because I didn't want her to buy me > a new cell phone. I feel bad about not talking to her, but I also > feel it's better for my own mental health and wellbeing. > Unfortunatly my father is very upset about this despite having been > divorced from my mother since I was 4 (I'm turning 25 next week.) We > don't talk anymore either. I'm always so embaresed when I have to > update the myraid forms the army requires to deal with arrangements > if you're killed or seriously injured. I don't think most people > understand how you can have that bad a relationship with your > parents. If I'm lucky they just assume they're both dead. > > When I was a teenager I relised that my mother was definately not > normal, and probably had some sort of mental illness. My classmates > and friends didn't have parents who screamed there heads off at > random times, and weren't reponsible for all the coooking, laundry > and cleaning. My older sister (by 20 years) decided the BPD seemed > to fit her behavior by the time I was in college. After reading some > about it I'd have to say she's probably right. My mother of course > denys anything's wrong, and insists we're both crazy, and ungratful. > She insists she woun't speak to me until I see a psychitrist (which > is fine by me, since I don't want talk to her anyhow.) My older > sister's more my mother than my mother is. > > A lot of the time I feel like I'm doomed to live variations of my > childhood over and over again. After joining the army and completing > my training, I ended up joining an already deployed unit in Iraq > while fairly seriously injured, where no one would talk to me and > didn't want me around anymore than my mother seemed to. I > sometimes feel like one of the monkeys in those experiments that's > been raised in a chickenwire cage, and isn't properly socilaised to > understand the other monkeys. I've been seeing a good therapist, who > understands the whole millitary experiance, but he doesn't really > seem to have any understanding of my weird childhood. > > Anyhow, I'm just glad to find that there's other people out there > coping well with similiar experiances. > > Tee > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2010 Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Tee-I had to laugh at your caged monkey analogy. What a perfect way to described my entire childhood! I didn't join the army but I did join a cult at 21. I moved to college just a month after I turned 18. Even tho it was only 15 min from nadas house she never came to visit and when I visited her she refused to drive me back and forth. I had to take a bus that took almost two hours (countless stops and a transfer) to get me 10 miles from home! the cell phone thing is classic. Nada rages when my bro and I refuse stuff from her but we know the hidden costs are WAAAAAAY more than the benefit. I actually refused to get a cell phone til two years ago (I'm 36 now!). I didn't get one cuz I didn't want nada to be able to track me down all day long. > > Hi,I'm new to this group. Reading through some of the messages here > has been a bit of an eye opening experiance; The experances here are > pretty much my life with my mother. I haven't spoken to her since > leaving a voice mail the day I left for army basic training over two > years ago. She threw me out of the house at 2am during Christmas > break my senior year of college, because I didn't want her to buy me > a new cell phone. I feel bad about not talking to her, but I also > feel it's better for my own mental health and wellbeing. > Unfortunatly my father is very upset about this despite having been > divorced from my mother since I was 4 (I'm turning 25 next week.) We > don't talk anymore either. I'm always so embaresed when I have to > update the myraid forms the army requires to deal with arrangements > if you're killed or seriously injured. I don't think most people > understand how you can have that bad a relationship with your > parents. If I'm lucky they just assume they're both dead. > > When I was a teenager I relised that my mother was definately not > normal, and probably had some sort of mental illness. My classmates > and friends didn't have parents who screamed there heads off at > random times, and weren't reponsible for all the coooking, laundry > and cleaning. My older sister (by 20 years) decided the BPD seemed > to fit her behavior by the time I was in college. After reading some > about it I'd have to say she's probably right. My mother of course > denys anything's wrong, and insists we're both crazy, and ungratful. > She insists she woun't speak to me until I see a psychitrist (which > is fine by me, since I don't want talk to her anyhow.) My older > sister's more my mother than my mother is. > > A lot of the time I feel like I'm doomed to live variations of my > childhood over and over again. After joining the army and completing > my training, I ended up joining an already deployed unit in Iraq > while fairly seriously injured, where no one would talk to me and > didn't want me around anymore than my mother seemed to. I > sometimes feel like one of the monkeys in those experiments that's > been raised in a chickenwire cage, and isn't properly socilaised to > understand the other monkeys. I've been seeing a good therapist, who > understands the whole millitary experiance, but he doesn't really > seem to have any understanding of my weird childhood. > > Anyhow, I'm just glad to find that there's other people out there > coping well with similiar experiances. > > Tee > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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