Guest guest Posted December 10, 2010 Report Share Posted December 10, 2010 Hi Yenaine, Your nada wanting to " draw energy " from your touch is totally vampirish and scary! Good for you for drawing a boundary and sticking to it.That she knows you hate her touching you yet insists on it...ugh...While you have all those memories in your mind of her behaving so badly towards you and now " being attacked by her fake kindness " .And now she is reduced to making a show for the other patients so she can complain when you pull away.That's very sad,but you are choosing your health and happiness and that is GOOD. I've also always hated being touched by my nada.When I was little she engaged in some really disgusting (to me) physical boundary violations,such as the habit she had up to about when I was six of *spitting* on a tissue or a handkerchief to wipe off my face.Having her *spit* smeared on my face,the memory of it still makes me want to throw up.I tried asking her calmly to get some water from a sink if we were in a house or a water fountain if we were in public and she'd scream, " I'M YOUR MOTHER! MY SPIT IS THE SAME AS YOURS! " I still get queasy if someone else,even someone I am intimate with,wants to share or taste the food on my plate-if their fork or spoon touches food I'm eating I automatically imagine their spit on the utensil and I want to gag.Usually I quickly put the piece of cake or whatever onto *their* plate before they can reach over with their fork so I won't have to explain something as weird as " I like kissing you but don't touch my food with your fork " .I know it makes no sense but I can't seem to help having that gag reflex--and if it's someone I wouldn't " share spit " with,I literally lose my appetite if they touch my food at all.It's strange actually how many times that's happened,as if it comes up again and again so I can deal with it. As a child I never experienced touching or " being close " as anything *but* a boundary violation and it often involved being forced to tolerate someone else's repulsive physicality,so I can relate to the connection you make with how you perceive touch as something aggressive,uncomfortable or meaningless due to your childhood experiences and I think you're right that it's important to focus on relearning or retraining ourselves to have a better perception of it for us and our loved ones,to get beyond how our nadas do violate us with their " touch " . > > I'm thinking a lot lately about how do I HATE to be touched by nada. I feel total disgust or sickness and I become numb and dizzy and I move away as fast as I can. Because it would be no use to politely ask her no to start " climbing " on me.Last time (when I was visiting her in the hospital after her " suicide " attempts) she literally tried to grab me over and over again but I didn't let her. I gave her a hand before I leave. She took my hand in one of her hand and with other she started to caress my hand (very stranegly) and she said " Just a little energy, give me just a little bit of energy. " She literally looked like " vampire " who needed some " blood " or a junkie without his dope...it was scary. I can understand that it is hard for her ( she has no her usual excapes - she has to face with situation) It is hard to see person in such agony but I know if I give her even a little bit of what she demanded from me it will only be worst. She would " learn " that if she treats with suicide she could get me where she wants me and she would repeatd that endlessly . The circle would go on and on (again). I don't know about her but I have enough. She is not happy like that and I'm sure are not happy with what is happening. Is she would not decide to heal at least a bit, so she can function and lessen a miserable life she is living - it is on her. I choose my health and happiness. Tomorrow I'm going to visit her again - I'll se what would happen. > > I would not allow to touch me ( except shaking our hands) I'll politely tell her that I don't want to be touched ( without other explanation) and than I'll move away any time she would run after me and I'll remaine her pollitely ( I hope:-) that I don't want to be touched and I'll stick with that. I need to make that boundary. Being attacked from her fake kindnes just to touch me it is too much for me. She almost sure we'll do some show in front of the other patients, because she knows I hate her touching me and she knows my reaction - so she cold say to others ( after I would left) see , what insensitive, ungrateful and weird daughter I have - I poor tender old lady. > > I don't remember (ever) that my nada touch me when I was little. Except when she beaten me when I was small. But she told me once (with complete indifference) that she wasn't supposed to beat us later / father or grandfather forbade her I don't know who) , because once she had done it (just a little bit of course and we deserved it) and than sister and me ran to our grandfather screaming " she would kill us , she would kill us! " I don't remeber that moments I was probaby few years old but she told me that after that my father took over the panisment. Who was cold, univolved in " family buissnes " and qoute narcissistic and sadistic.. Wenever he had come home she would told him how bad I was and he had to punisch me. So she still had weapon in her hands and she use it a lot. I thing sometimes she even lied to him. Like kind of revenge but I don't remember because of what. Probably it was too veird. > > So like a child I never learned what touching is ( healthy , worm, nice one) I didn't experience touchin not normal one not be embrassed with love and compation . Maybe I learn in my childhood that touch is something aggressive, uncomfortable or not important at all. First " real " touching experience I had when boys and love came. I still has some confusions about that item. > > So I have to re-learn my perception of touching. Not for my nada - for me and my closed ones. > > Nice evening!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 10, 2010 Report Share Posted December 10, 2010 I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an insect once the spider is done with it. In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my work. So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I think there is some validity to the idea. -Annie > > I'm thinking a lot lately about how do I HATE to be touched by nada. I feel total disgust or sickness and I become numb and dizzy and I move away as fast as I can. Because it would be no use to politely ask her no to start " climbing " on me.Last time (when I was visiting her in the hospital after her " suicide " attempts) she literally tried to grab me over and over again but I didn't let her. I gave her a hand before I leave. She took my hand in one of her hand and with other she started to caress my hand (very stranegly) and she said " Just a little energy, give me just a little bit of energy. " She literally looked like " vampire " who needed some " blood " or a junkie without his dope...it was scary. I can understand that it is hard for her ( she has no her usual excapes - she has to face with situation) It is hard to see person in such agony but I know if I give her even a little bit of what she demanded from me it will only be worst. She would " learn " that if she treats with suicide she could get me where she wants me and she would repeatd that endlessly . The circle would go on and on (again). I don't know about her but I have enough. She is not happy like that and I'm sure are not happy with what is happening. Is she would not decide to heal at least a bit, so she can function and lessen a miserable life she is living - it is on her. I choose my health and happiness. Tomorrow I'm going to visit her again - I'll se what would happen. > > I would not allow to touch me ( except shaking our hands) I'll politely tell her that I don't want to be touched ( without other explanation) and than I'll move away any time she would run after me and I'll remaine her pollitely ( I hope:-) that I don't want to be touched and I'll stick with that. I need to make that boundary. Being attacked from her fake kindnes just to touch me it is too much for me. She almost sure we'll do some show in front of the other patients, because she knows I hate her touching me and she knows my reaction - so she cold say to others ( after I would left) see , what insensitive, ungrateful and weird daughter I have - I poor tender old lady. > > I don't remember (ever) that my nada touch me when I was little. Except when she beaten me when I was small. But she told me once (with complete indifference) that she wasn't supposed to beat us later / father or grandfather forbade her I don't know who) , because once she had done it (just a little bit of course and we deserved it) and than sister and me ran to our grandfather screaming " she would kill us , she would kill us! " I don't remeber that moments I was probaby few years old but she told me that after that my father took over the panisment. Who was cold, univolved in " family buissnes " and qoute narcissistic and sadistic.. Wenever he had come home she would told him how bad I was and he had to punisch me. So she still had weapon in her hands and she use it a lot. I thing sometimes she even lied to him. Like kind of revenge but I don't remember because of what. Probably it was too veird. > > So like a child I never learned what touching is ( healthy , worm, nice one) I didn't experience touchin not normal one not be embrassed with love and compation . Maybe I learn in my childhood that touch is something aggressive, uncomfortable or not important at all. First " real " touching experience I had when boys and love came. I still has some confusions about that item. > > So I have to re-learn my perception of touching. Not for my nada - for me and my closed ones. > > Nice evening!! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2010 Report Share Posted December 11, 2010 Oh yeah Annie, it's real. I'm into energy work and just as it is possible to give energy in terms of a hands-on-healing, reiki, etc. it is possible to take it. People who are going through serious illness sometimes automatically do this just because they are ill. I think BPD nadas who literally feel *entitled* in a very conscious way to the life of their children also feel entitled to the life-force of their children (adult or not). The good news is energy follows action so if you say " no " on the ordinary level you've said no on the energy level at the same time. And good for you Yenaine for not letting her get away with it! > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an insect once the spider is done with it. > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my work. > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I think there is some validity to the idea. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2010 Report Share Posted December 11, 2010 Oh yeah Annie, it's real. I'm into energy work and just as it is possible to give energy in terms of a hands-on-healing, reiki, etc. it is possible to take it. People who are going through serious illness sometimes automatically do this just because they are ill. I think BPD nadas who literally feel *entitled* in a very conscious way to the life of their children also feel entitled to the life-force of their children (adult or not). The good news is energy follows action so if you say " no " on the ordinary level you've said no on the energy level at the same time. And good for you Yenaine for not letting her get away with it! > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an insect once the spider is done with it. > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my work. > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I think there is some validity to the idea. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2010 Report Share Posted December 12, 2010 Ew. The just a little energy part is seriously creepy. Makes me thinkscars King novel (and pedophiles). My mother usually hates to be touched herself. I really hate that about her - she " bruises easily " and is " very sensitive " which is IRONIC bc she never thought maybe her kids also were sensitive or prone to bruising when she beat the crap out of us! And she tries to kiss me ON THE LIPS which is very weird to me. Thankfully she lives far away... Mars would be ideal, but 3000 miles will have to do. > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my work. > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Kiss on your lips ( probably with nada " energy " ) is very very weird. And how tipical for nadas that they are so sensitive about herslef end so insensitive about others... Touches of my nada are very creepy too - not just because she would allways come too close ( literaly stick on me) but thay have some weird sick sensual energy too. But mostly it feels like she would like to stick on me and suck my energy like kind of leech or vampire My BF tells me how he was stunned when he observed how she is capable of sucking my (and my sister when she was alive) energy even trough phone. If she can not get it she would usually made me very angry - she has all my attention and energy then. But like I said I'm done with that. I was in the hospital few days ago and she behave better. Probably she sensed ( she is very, very sensitive when she needs it) that I'm strong and that I woud not fail into her traps. I told her that I don't want to touch me at all and I have to repeated that few times - and than she pulled back ( a little) Probably waiting on next time hoping I would be more tired or volnerable so she can attack again....I don't belive she would ever stops - it would probably be more my training of being centered and focused ...:-)) Yes it was really creepy indeed. And living with my nada was sometimes very similar to feelings in King novels. 2010/12/12 kimberj103 > > > Ew. The just a little energy part is seriously creepy. Makes me thinkscars > King novel (and pedophiles). My mother usually hates to be touched > herself. I really hate that about her - she " bruises easily " and is " very > sensitive " which is IRONIC bc she never thought maybe her kids also were > sensitive or prone to bruising when she beat the crap out of us! And she > tries to kiss me ON THE LIPS which is very weird to me. Thankfully she lives > far away... Mars would be ideal, but 3000 miles will have to do. > > > > > > > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a > couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind > described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she > knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy > vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... > until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 > months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she > needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like > a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an > insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to > even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). > It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took > me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my > work. > > > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I > think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Kiss on your lips ( probably with nada " energy " ) is very very weird. And how tipical for nadas that they are so sensitive about herslef end so insensitive about others... Touches of my nada are very creepy too - not just because she would allways come too close ( literaly stick on me) but thay have some weird sick sensual energy too. But mostly it feels like she would like to stick on me and suck my energy like kind of leech or vampire My BF tells me how he was stunned when he observed how she is capable of sucking my (and my sister when she was alive) energy even trough phone. If she can not get it she would usually made me very angry - she has all my attention and energy then. But like I said I'm done with that. I was in the hospital few days ago and she behave better. Probably she sensed ( she is very, very sensitive when she needs it) that I'm strong and that I woud not fail into her traps. I told her that I don't want to touch me at all and I have to repeated that few times - and than she pulled back ( a little) Probably waiting on next time hoping I would be more tired or volnerable so she can attack again....I don't belive she would ever stops - it would probably be more my training of being centered and focused ...:-)) Yes it was really creepy indeed. And living with my nada was sometimes very similar to feelings in King novels. 2010/12/12 kimberj103 > > > Ew. The just a little energy part is seriously creepy. Makes me thinkscars > King novel (and pedophiles). My mother usually hates to be touched > herself. I really hate that about her - she " bruises easily " and is " very > sensitive " which is IRONIC bc she never thought maybe her kids also were > sensitive or prone to bruising when she beat the crap out of us! And she > tries to kiss me ON THE LIPS which is very weird to me. Thankfully she lives > far away... Mars would be ideal, but 3000 miles will have to do. > > > > > > > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a > couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind > described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she > knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy > vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... > until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 > months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she > needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like > a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an > insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to > even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). > It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took > me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my > work. > > > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I > think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Kiss on your lips ( probably with nada " energy " ) is very very weird. And how tipical for nadas that they are so sensitive about herslef end so insensitive about others... Touches of my nada are very creepy too - not just because she would allways come too close ( literaly stick on me) but thay have some weird sick sensual energy too. But mostly it feels like she would like to stick on me and suck my energy like kind of leech or vampire My BF tells me how he was stunned when he observed how she is capable of sucking my (and my sister when she was alive) energy even trough phone. If she can not get it she would usually made me very angry - she has all my attention and energy then. But like I said I'm done with that. I was in the hospital few days ago and she behave better. Probably she sensed ( she is very, very sensitive when she needs it) that I'm strong and that I woud not fail into her traps. I told her that I don't want to touch me at all and I have to repeated that few times - and than she pulled back ( a little) Probably waiting on next time hoping I would be more tired or volnerable so she can attack again....I don't belive she would ever stops - it would probably be more my training of being centered and focused ...:-)) Yes it was really creepy indeed. And living with my nada was sometimes very similar to feelings in King novels. 2010/12/12 kimberj103 > > > Ew. The just a little energy part is seriously creepy. Makes me thinkscars > King novel (and pedophiles). My mother usually hates to be touched > herself. I really hate that about her - she " bruises easily " and is " very > sensitive " which is IRONIC bc she never thought maybe her kids also were > sensitive or prone to bruising when she beat the crap out of us! And she > tries to kiss me ON THE LIPS which is very weird to me. Thankfully she lives > far away... Mars would be ideal, but 3000 miles will have to do. > > > > > > > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a > couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind > described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she > knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy > vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... > until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 > months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she > needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like > a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an > insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to > even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). > It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took > me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my > work. > > > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I > think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Good for you telling her to stop and sticking with it. You could also enforce a consequence if she continues the behavior. " Mother, if you don't stop touching me, I'm going to tell the nurses not to allow you to visit me/insist that you leave my home/I'm going to leave your home (restaurant, etc.) " and then follow through - without apology or explanation. Then, don't have any contact with her for awhile. It's like training a dog. (A smelly nasty one with fleas and mange, but a dog nonetheless.) > > > > > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a > > couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind > > described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she > > knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy > > vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... > > until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 > > months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she > > needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like > > a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an > > insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to > > even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). > > It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took > > me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my > > work. > > > > > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I > > think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Good for you telling her to stop and sticking with it. You could also enforce a consequence if she continues the behavior. " Mother, if you don't stop touching me, I'm going to tell the nurses not to allow you to visit me/insist that you leave my home/I'm going to leave your home (restaurant, etc.) " and then follow through - without apology or explanation. Then, don't have any contact with her for awhile. It's like training a dog. (A smelly nasty one with fleas and mange, but a dog nonetheless.) > > > > > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until a > > couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of mind > > described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals she > > knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy > > vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to me... > > until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking over 2 > > months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when she > > needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt like > > a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of an > > insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation to > > even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for decades). > > It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It took > > me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home and my > > work. > > > > > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; I > > think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 kimberj103 <kimberj103@... wrote: It's like training a dog. A smelly nasty one with fleas and mange, but a dog nonetheless. Yes, that's truth. And this is quite sad. I've told her that I would go if she would touch me several time and because she felt I mean it she pulled back a little. But she is probably just waiting for my " weak " moment to continue again.But like I said - half a year ago I had enough. I said that often before, but this time I mean it - emotional and rational and I started with different approach - so probably sooner or later she'll get it. 2010/12/14 kimberj103 > > > Good for you telling her to stop and sticking with it. You could also > enforce a consequence if she continues the behavior. " Mother, if you don't > stop touching me, I'm going to tell the nurses not to allow you to visit > me/insist that you leave my home/I'm going to leave your home (restaurant, > etc.) " and then follow through - without apology or explanation. Then, don't > have any contact with her for awhile. It's like training a dog. (A smelly > nasty one with fleas and mange, but a dog nonetheless.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I had never even heard of the concept of an " energy vampire " until > a > > > couple of years ago. I admit I listened with skepticism as a friend of > mind > > > described very similar behaviors that you've mentioned, of individuals > she > > > knows (has known) that she avoids because just being near an " energy > > > vampire " can allow them to suck her energy or life-force out! > > > > > > > > > > It all sounded kind of " beyond-the-fringe " , new-age mysticism to > me... > > > until I recalled how absolutely drained and numb I felt after taking > over 2 > > > months' unpaid leave from work to live with and care for my nada when > she > > > needed to have major surgery about 10 years ago, now. I literally felt > like > > > a dry, empty husk of my former self toward the end, like what's left of > an > > > insect once the spider is done with it. > > > > > > > > > > In the days before I departed for home I barely had the motivation > to > > > even eat (and food has been one of my self-soothing techniques for > decades). > > > It was like all my joy of living was gone. It was scary, actually. It > took > > > me *weeks* to feel back to my normal self after returning to my home > and my > > > work. > > > > > > > > > > So I'm no longer one to dismiss the concept of an " energy vampire " ; > I > > > think there is some validity to the idea. > > > > > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Thanks for this advice. I fear I may need it soon. I am tucking it in my arsenal for the future. Currently, nada is respecting my LC and going on to other areas of interest - looking for a job, etc. Yay! But usually, the " I have to get it off my chest " moment comes and I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT this time. I WILL NOT sit and listen to verbal abuse. I don't care where we are, who else is there or not there. I will stop the car on the side of the road if she starts it in my vehicle. (I still allow her to ride in my car with me and the kids, but not in hers and no kids with her alone EVER.) Little does she know that these small privileges are the last remnants of relationship she has left. Hopefully, for her sake, since she is high-functioning, she will take the hint and back off permanently. Time will tell. +Coal Miner's Daughter p.s. It's amazing how she still holds this power over me just of the fear that she will retaliate and I don't know when or how. It would be better if she would just go ahead and start something. The suspense is worse than the real thing. > > Good for you telling her to stop and sticking with it. You could also enforce a consequence if she continues the behavior. " Mother, if you don't stop touching me, I'm going to tell the nurses not to allow you to visit me/insist that you leave my home/I'm going to leave your home (restaurant, etc.) " and then follow through - without apology or explanation. Then, don't have any contact with her for awhile. It's like training a dog. (A smelly nasty one with fleas and mange, but a dog nonetheless.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 With touch, as with so many other things, BP s take a necessary and desired part of life and twist it in such a way that they drive away that which they need so much. My nada s touches were very needy, and clingy. She was a waif/hermit. I used to joke that my mom doesnt hug you, she takes you prisoner. It was not so far from the mark. She would wrap her arms around my neck and clasp so tightly I felt smothered. When I tried to pull away and give her a signal that I m ready to end this hug, she would walk with me, or be dragged back by her arms around my neck. I would often have to peel her hands away to get free. Result? I was very wary of hugs or physical contact. This was a shame, because we need touch, and people do touch each other in various ways. But she was so desperate to have it, that one by one she drove away all those who might touch or hug her. Once, she went to a hotel with a total stranger, and stayed with him several days. She maintained it was all non sexual, but she would sleep next to him and just " let him hold her " and it just felt so right she knew it was what God wanted her to do. Now this is someguy LIVING in a flea bag motel, who she met at a laundrymat. She drove back to a funeral home after the funeral of a high school classmate of mine and went to the office of one of the directors, and asked him to " just hold her " . She says he did for hours, and it was so peaceful, and he didnt mind in the least. Of course, as we have recently discussed, we don t take nada s word without confirmation. It created a dichotomy for me. On the one hand, I wanted to hug my mother. I wanted to be able to touch her hand or make contact. On the other, it became a fearful thing for me to do so because of these things. If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. It is a source of FOG guilt for me. Doug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 " If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. " (by Dough) The best description I've heard about nada's needs. I was trying to give her what I could but she would rather refuse that if it wasn't under her terms or demands. After that I decided to offer what I can (and refuse to give her what I can't) and don't bother if she would take it or not. My responsibility is to give if I can , hers is to except that or not. I'm responsible for my life she is responsible for her. It is sad to look at her sometimes and see how desperatly she needs something and how she would do everything not to get it. But I can not change that. > > With touch, as with so many other things, BP s take a necessary and > desired part of life and twist it in such a way that they drive away > that which they need so much. > > My nada s touches were very needy, and clingy. She was a waif/hermit. > I used to joke that my mom doesnt hug you, she takes you prisoner. It > was not so far from the mark. She would wrap her arms around my neck > and clasp so tightly I felt smothered. When I tried to pull away and > give her a signal that I m ready to end this hug, she would walk with > me, or be dragged back by her arms around my neck. I would often have > to peel her hands away to get free. > > Result? I was very wary of hugs or physical contact. This was a shame, > because we need touch, and people do touch each other in various ways. > But she was so desperate to have it, that one by one she drove away all > those who might touch or hug her. > > Once, she went to a hotel with a total stranger, and stayed with him > several days. She maintained it was all non sexual, but she would sleep > next to him and just " let him hold her " and it just felt so right she > knew it was what God wanted her to do. Now this is someguy LIVING in a > flea bag motel, who she met at a laundrymat. She drove back to a > funeral home after the funeral of a high school classmate of mine and > went to the office of one of the directors, and asked him to " just hold > her " . She says he did for hours, and it was so peaceful, and he didnt > mind in the least. > > Of course, as we have recently discussed, we don t take nada s word > without confirmation. > > It created a dichotomy for me. On the one hand, I wanted to hug my > mother. I wanted to be able to touch her hand or make contact. On the > other, it became a fearful thing for me to do so because of these > things. If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded > what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. > > It is a source of FOG guilt for me. > > Doug. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 " If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. " (by Dough) The best description I've heard about nada's needs. I was trying to give her what I could but she would rather refuse that if it wasn't under her terms or demands. After that I decided to offer what I can (and refuse to give her what I can't) and don't bother if she would take it or not. My responsibility is to give if I can , hers is to except that or not. I'm responsible for my life she is responsible for her. It is sad to look at her sometimes and see how desperatly she needs something and how she would do everything not to get it. But I can not change that. > > With touch, as with so many other things, BP s take a necessary and > desired part of life and twist it in such a way that they drive away > that which they need so much. > > My nada s touches were very needy, and clingy. She was a waif/hermit. > I used to joke that my mom doesnt hug you, she takes you prisoner. It > was not so far from the mark. She would wrap her arms around my neck > and clasp so tightly I felt smothered. When I tried to pull away and > give her a signal that I m ready to end this hug, she would walk with > me, or be dragged back by her arms around my neck. I would often have > to peel her hands away to get free. > > Result? I was very wary of hugs or physical contact. This was a shame, > because we need touch, and people do touch each other in various ways. > But she was so desperate to have it, that one by one she drove away all > those who might touch or hug her. > > Once, she went to a hotel with a total stranger, and stayed with him > several days. She maintained it was all non sexual, but she would sleep > next to him and just " let him hold her " and it just felt so right she > knew it was what God wanted her to do. Now this is someguy LIVING in a > flea bag motel, who she met at a laundrymat. She drove back to a > funeral home after the funeral of a high school classmate of mine and > went to the office of one of the directors, and asked him to " just hold > her " . She says he did for hours, and it was so peaceful, and he didnt > mind in the least. > > Of course, as we have recently discussed, we don t take nada s word > without confirmation. > > It created a dichotomy for me. On the one hand, I wanted to hug my > mother. I wanted to be able to touch her hand or make contact. On the > other, it became a fearful thing for me to do so because of these > things. If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded > what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. > > It is a source of FOG guilt for me. > > Doug. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 " If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. " (by Dough) The best description I've heard about nada's needs. I was trying to give her what I could but she would rather refuse that if it wasn't under her terms or demands. After that I decided to offer what I can (and refuse to give her what I can't) and don't bother if she would take it or not. My responsibility is to give if I can , hers is to except that or not. I'm responsible for my life she is responsible for her. It is sad to look at her sometimes and see how desperatly she needs something and how she would do everything not to get it. But I can not change that. > > With touch, as with so many other things, BP s take a necessary and > desired part of life and twist it in such a way that they drive away > that which they need so much. > > My nada s touches were very needy, and clingy. She was a waif/hermit. > I used to joke that my mom doesnt hug you, she takes you prisoner. It > was not so far from the mark. She would wrap her arms around my neck > and clasp so tightly I felt smothered. When I tried to pull away and > give her a signal that I m ready to end this hug, she would walk with > me, or be dragged back by her arms around my neck. I would often have > to peel her hands away to get free. > > Result? I was very wary of hugs or physical contact. This was a shame, > because we need touch, and people do touch each other in various ways. > But she was so desperate to have it, that one by one she drove away all > those who might touch or hug her. > > Once, she went to a hotel with a total stranger, and stayed with him > several days. She maintained it was all non sexual, but she would sleep > next to him and just " let him hold her " and it just felt so right she > knew it was what God wanted her to do. Now this is someguy LIVING in a > flea bag motel, who she met at a laundrymat. She drove back to a > funeral home after the funeral of a high school classmate of mine and > went to the office of one of the directors, and asked him to " just hold > her " . She says he did for hours, and it was so peaceful, and he didnt > mind in the least. > > Of course, as we have recently discussed, we don t take nada s word > without confirmation. > > It created a dichotomy for me. On the one hand, I wanted to hug my > mother. I wanted to be able to touch her hand or make contact. On the > other, it became a fearful thing for me to do so because of these > things. If she could have accepted what was offered, and not demanded > what she wanted, she would have had much more than she did. > > It is a source of FOG guilt for me. > > Doug. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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