Re: Loving mom....until grown

[Guest guest]

Big Sister,

That's my mom. Nurturing, over-loving and always there...i thought i was the

luckiest kid in the world.....

UNTIL I grew up a little and became 17.

I had a boyfriend, a life, friends, my family and my self-esteem.

I was pretty and athletic. I was friendly and somewhat outgoing.

My mom (after 20 years) admitted that she was jealous of everything I was --

that she was not.

She harassed me constantly, wouldn't let me study in college, wouldn't let me go

away to college, then sent me away as blackmail. Any job I had, she made me give

her my earnings...so when i got to college, I had no money for food at the

dorms...so I stole one pocketful of cereal a day from the cafeteria for a whole

semester. Very embarrassing coming up with reasons why I couldn't eat dinner

with my friends.

She threatened my boyfriend of 7 years constantly and called the police on him.

He recently told me that he had to leave because he didn't want to end up in

jail. I didn't blame him.

That was 30 years ago...and I'm still suffering the effects of her brainwashing,

lies and abandonment of me. She didn't want me to grow up and leave her...so she

left me first.

She told me she wanted to " keep me young and innocent for as long as possible. "

She accused me of having sex with my first boyfriend 2 years before we actually

did. She would tell me my hair smelled like sex. How embarrassing and

humiliating.

Well, now I think I'd like to buy the shampoo that makes your hair smell like

sex! hah ha

She threatened me with taking away my car, my friends, my job...she actually did

succeed. She got rid of all my passions...my boyfriend, my sport, my

friends...my heart and what made me tick. She sucked the air out of my lungs and

the dreams out of my heart.

It's taken many years and tears to live again.

I am happily married and have 5 beautiful kids...a big smile on my face...but

behind my bright smile is a sad past that haunts me to this day.

Trying to heal...

Amy

Loving mom....until grown

I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and focused

all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the time,

completely ignoring most of her biological children.

I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

(Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

[Guest guest]

Big Sister,

My dad was similar--he was caring and loving sometimes, but then other times

he turned into Mr. Hyde, the slightest thing upsetting him. But for the

longest time I was defending him and his actions, following my mom's lead. I

couldn't see what was wrong with the picture, and he would sometimes yell

until his voice went hoarse, telling me that I was a spoiled brat for not

appreciating everything he did for me. (He usually " loved " through buying us

stuff that we didn't really want or need.)

I'm still struggling with trying to reconcile those two parts of Dad. I keep

thinking in black and white, that he's either good or bad. He had his good

parts, and that makes me feel guilty that I'm NC. But then I remember the

bad parts (of which there were more) and wonder why I didn't recognize it

earlier.

The sad thing is that my little brother saw it sooner, and strove to be

free--but I was being like my mom and trying to convince him that dad wasn't

all bad--because mom and I didn't want to see that.

After I moved out, my dad really couldn't handle that, and disowned me. Plus

I had a boyfriend, and that probably played a huge factor. Having a bf to

hang out with make my brother upset, I think, because I'd rely on him so

much (I'm profoundly deaf, and he was my " translator " for a long time while

I was growing up) and not having someone to care for I guess upset him. And

having a bf meant I hung out at his house, and not at home, where Dad

preferred everyone to be, so we can all serve him.

After fada disowned me, my brother did too. It was a really strange

flip-flop. Instead of him being the black sheep and wanting to get free, now

I'm the black sheep because I did get free, and he's the golden child.

I'm glad you brought the subject up, Big Sister, 'cause I was actually

ruminating on it too much today...I'm glad you see your mom for what she is,

now. And I'm glad you're being careful at maintaining your boundaries.

Boundaries set my dad off, too, I think. Keep on staying strong

Holly

>

>

> Big Sister,

> That's my mom. Nurturing, over-loving and always there...i thought i was

> the luckiest kid in the world.....

> UNTIL I grew up a little and became 17.

> I had a boyfriend, a life, friends, my family and my self-esteem.

> I was pretty and athletic. I was friendly and somewhat outgoing.

>

> My mom (after 20 years) admitted that she was jealous of everything I was

> -- that she was not.

> She harassed me constantly, wouldn't let me study in college, wouldn't let

> me go away to college, then sent me away as blackmail. Any job I had, she

> made me give her my earnings...so when i got to college, I had no money for

> food at the dorms...so I stole one pocketful of cereal a day from the

> cafeteria for a whole semester. Very embarrassing coming up with reasons why

> I couldn't eat dinner with my friends.

> She threatened my boyfriend of 7 years constantly and called the police on

> him. He recently told me that he had to leave because he didn't want to end

> up in jail. I didn't blame him.

> That was 30 years ago...and I'm still suffering the effects of her

> brainwashing, lies and abandonment of me. She didn't want me to grow up and

> leave her...so she left me first.

> She told me she wanted to " keep me young and innocent for as long as

> possible. "

> She accused me of having sex with my first boyfriend 2 years before we

> actually did. She would tell me my hair smelled like sex. How embarrassing

> and humiliating.

>

> Well, now I think I'd like to buy the shampoo that makes your hair smell

> like sex! hah ha

>

> She threatened me with taking away my car, my friends, my job...she

> actually did succeed. She got rid of all my passions...my boyfriend, my

> sport, my friends...my heart and what made me tick. She sucked the air out

> of my lungs and the dreams out of my heart.

>

> It's taken many years and tears to live again.

> I am happily married and have 5 beautiful kids...a big smile on my

> face...but behind my bright smile is a sad past that haunts me to this day.

>

> Trying to heal...

> Amy

>

>

> Loving mom....until grown

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

> unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time.

> Now I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child

> dependent on her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more

> independent is when she started having more blow ups at me and her

> manipulation started becoming more evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

> years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the

> young-child sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't

> interested in me or much about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

> focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

> time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent

> mother - and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only

> nurturing and loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

> country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

>

[Guest guest]

Big Sister,

My dad was similar--he was caring and loving sometimes, but then other times

he turned into Mr. Hyde, the slightest thing upsetting him. But for the

longest time I was defending him and his actions, following my mom's lead. I

couldn't see what was wrong with the picture, and he would sometimes yell

until his voice went hoarse, telling me that I was a spoiled brat for not

appreciating everything he did for me. (He usually " loved " through buying us

stuff that we didn't really want or need.)

I'm still struggling with trying to reconcile those two parts of Dad. I keep

thinking in black and white, that he's either good or bad. He had his good

parts, and that makes me feel guilty that I'm NC. But then I remember the

bad parts (of which there were more) and wonder why I didn't recognize it

earlier.

The sad thing is that my little brother saw it sooner, and strove to be

free--but I was being like my mom and trying to convince him that dad wasn't

all bad--because mom and I didn't want to see that.

After I moved out, my dad really couldn't handle that, and disowned me. Plus

I had a boyfriend, and that probably played a huge factor. Having a bf to

hang out with make my brother upset, I think, because I'd rely on him so

much (I'm profoundly deaf, and he was my " translator " for a long time while

I was growing up) and not having someone to care for I guess upset him. And

having a bf meant I hung out at his house, and not at home, where Dad

preferred everyone to be, so we can all serve him.

After fada disowned me, my brother did too. It was a really strange

flip-flop. Instead of him being the black sheep and wanting to get free, now

I'm the black sheep because I did get free, and he's the golden child.

I'm glad you brought the subject up, Big Sister, 'cause I was actually

ruminating on it too much today...I'm glad you see your mom for what she is,

now. And I'm glad you're being careful at maintaining your boundaries.

Boundaries set my dad off, too, I think. Keep on staying strong

Holly

>

>

> Big Sister,

> That's my mom. Nurturing, over-loving and always there...i thought i was

> the luckiest kid in the world.....

> UNTIL I grew up a little and became 17.

> I had a boyfriend, a life, friends, my family and my self-esteem.

> I was pretty and athletic. I was friendly and somewhat outgoing.

>

> My mom (after 20 years) admitted that she was jealous of everything I was

> -- that she was not.

> She harassed me constantly, wouldn't let me study in college, wouldn't let

> me go away to college, then sent me away as blackmail. Any job I had, she

> made me give her my earnings...so when i got to college, I had no money for

> food at the dorms...so I stole one pocketful of cereal a day from the

> cafeteria for a whole semester. Very embarrassing coming up with reasons why

> I couldn't eat dinner with my friends.

> She threatened my boyfriend of 7 years constantly and called the police on

> him. He recently told me that he had to leave because he didn't want to end

> up in jail. I didn't blame him.

> That was 30 years ago...and I'm still suffering the effects of her

> brainwashing, lies and abandonment of me. She didn't want me to grow up and

> leave her...so she left me first.

> She told me she wanted to " keep me young and innocent for as long as

> possible. "

> She accused me of having sex with my first boyfriend 2 years before we

> actually did. She would tell me my hair smelled like sex. How embarrassing

> and humiliating.

>

> Well, now I think I'd like to buy the shampoo that makes your hair smell

> like sex! hah ha

>

> She threatened me with taking away my car, my friends, my job...she

> actually did succeed. She got rid of all my passions...my boyfriend, my

> sport, my friends...my heart and what made me tick. She sucked the air out

> of my lungs and the dreams out of my heart.

>

> It's taken many years and tears to live again.

> I am happily married and have 5 beautiful kids...a big smile on my

> face...but behind my bright smile is a sad past that haunts me to this day.

>

> Trying to heal...

> Amy

>

>

> Loving mom....until grown

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

> unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time.

> Now I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child

> dependent on her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more

> independent is when she started having more blow ups at me and her

> manipulation started becoming more evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

> years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the

> young-child sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't

> interested in me or much about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

> focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

> time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent

> mother - and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only

> nurturing and loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

> country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's so nice to see there actually are other people out there who get it! My mom

was the same way - couldn't honestly have been any more supportive of me than

she was. She showed me complete unconditional love all my life... until she

moved to Florida and I stayed in New York about 10 years ago. And I think it got

particularly bad when I started dating the man I eventually married. She started

to show signs that she couldn't handle the fact that I was growing up without

her. I wasn't there to take care of her any more (this is my interpretation, at

least).

We actually stayed very close over the last six or seven years, and I was one of

the only (if not the only) people she felt she could still confide in. Then she

decided she wanted to move into a house she could not afford and ripped me to

pieces when I told her I could not give her the money to buy it. She was sure I

was hiding my income from her and that after all she had done for me all my

life, I had turned cold and heartless. I was not the person she'd known and

raised. And we haven't spoken since then, now about four months.

It has been such a difficult adjustment for me not having her in my life,

although at this point I'm not sure I would want to go back to all of the anger

and distrust she harbored. I get where it comes from, but how can I continue to

put my life on hold when trying to be supportive of her doesn't really help

either? I feel like I'm going through a grieving process for someone who hasn't

really died. I really do empathize for her, but I can't keep holding up my life

to try to please her and make her happy. Particularly since nothing I do can

make her happy. Only problem is, I've spent so much time now trying to " fix " her

to no avail that now that I've given it up, I don't know how to move forward in

my own life.

Hm, I may have gone off in a bit of a tangent there, but I think it's just such

a relief to me to know that I'm not in fact the only one who has been feeling

this way! It's been a long hard journey that I've had to go through largely on

my own up to now and I'm so grateful to the posters in this group for sharing

your stories!

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

[Guest guest]

It's so nice to see there actually are other people out there who get it! My mom

was the same way - couldn't honestly have been any more supportive of me than

she was. She showed me complete unconditional love all my life... until she

moved to Florida and I stayed in New York about 10 years ago. And I think it got

particularly bad when I started dating the man I eventually married. She started

to show signs that she couldn't handle the fact that I was growing up without

her. I wasn't there to take care of her any more (this is my interpretation, at

least).

We actually stayed very close over the last six or seven years, and I was one of

the only (if not the only) people she felt she could still confide in. Then she

decided she wanted to move into a house she could not afford and ripped me to

pieces when I told her I could not give her the money to buy it. She was sure I

was hiding my income from her and that after all she had done for me all my

life, I had turned cold and heartless. I was not the person she'd known and

raised. And we haven't spoken since then, now about four months.

It has been such a difficult adjustment for me not having her in my life,

although at this point I'm not sure I would want to go back to all of the anger

and distrust she harbored. I get where it comes from, but how can I continue to

put my life on hold when trying to be supportive of her doesn't really help

either? I feel like I'm going through a grieving process for someone who hasn't

really died. I really do empathize for her, but I can't keep holding up my life

to try to please her and make her happy. Particularly since nothing I do can

make her happy. Only problem is, I've spent so much time now trying to " fix " her

to no avail that now that I've given it up, I don't know how to move forward in

my own life.

Hm, I may have gone off in a bit of a tangent there, but I think it's just such

a relief to me to know that I'm not in fact the only one who has been feeling

this way! It's been a long hard journey that I've had to go through largely on

my own up to now and I'm so grateful to the posters in this group for sharing

your stories!

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

[Guest guest]

It's so nice to see there actually are other people out there who get it! My mom

was the same way - couldn't honestly have been any more supportive of me than

she was. She showed me complete unconditional love all my life... until she

moved to Florida and I stayed in New York about 10 years ago. And I think it got

particularly bad when I started dating the man I eventually married. She started

to show signs that she couldn't handle the fact that I was growing up without

her. I wasn't there to take care of her any more (this is my interpretation, at

least).

We actually stayed very close over the last six or seven years, and I was one of

the only (if not the only) people she felt she could still confide in. Then she

decided she wanted to move into a house she could not afford and ripped me to

pieces when I told her I could not give her the money to buy it. She was sure I

was hiding my income from her and that after all she had done for me all my

life, I had turned cold and heartless. I was not the person she'd known and

raised. And we haven't spoken since then, now about four months.

It has been such a difficult adjustment for me not having her in my life,

although at this point I'm not sure I would want to go back to all of the anger

and distrust she harbored. I get where it comes from, but how can I continue to

put my life on hold when trying to be supportive of her doesn't really help

either? I feel like I'm going through a grieving process for someone who hasn't

really died. I really do empathize for her, but I can't keep holding up my life

to try to please her and make her happy. Particularly since nothing I do can

make her happy. Only problem is, I've spent so much time now trying to " fix " her

to no avail that now that I've given it up, I don't know how to move forward in

my own life.

Hm, I may have gone off in a bit of a tangent there, but I think it's just such

a relief to me to know that I'm not in fact the only one who has been feeling

this way! It's been a long hard journey that I've had to go through largely on

my own up to now and I'm so grateful to the posters in this group for sharing

your stories!

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to these posts as well. Being the Golden Child I was groomed to be

hers. Then when I woke up to the manipulation and control she had over me it

all changed. This took many years. When I was being what she wanted I was

showered with love, gifts and admiration. I lived with enormous guilt if I

didn't meet her every need. Nada is a waife.

That is why it was so hard for me to cut the umbilical cord, even though there

were mostly bad times and mind games. There was always a price to pay. I craved

her love and feared abandonment. Which I finally received when I spoke up to

how I felt. NC was easy in the way that I said my piece, she hated hearing it

and wiped me.

I feel for other posters here that still have Nada trying everything to be in

their lives.

She trained me to be her mother, counselor and protector. I too was smothered

in love from an early age only to loose it when I grew up and realised my role.

One that I was no longer willing to participate in. I knew it for many years

but had to get in a healthy place myself to finally go NC.

This is probably true of many co-dependant realtionships.

I have a wonderful husband and daughter and I finally love and respect myself

enough to know I deserve to be treated in a loving way.

Kazam x

> >

> > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> >

> > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now

I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on

her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when

she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming

more evident.

> >

> > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> >

> > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother

- and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

> >

> > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to these posts as well. Being the Golden Child I was groomed to be

hers. Then when I woke up to the manipulation and control she had over me it

all changed. This took many years. When I was being what she wanted I was

showered with love, gifts and admiration. I lived with enormous guilt if I

didn't meet her every need. Nada is a waife.

That is why it was so hard for me to cut the umbilical cord, even though there

were mostly bad times and mind games. There was always a price to pay. I craved

her love and feared abandonment. Which I finally received when I spoke up to

how I felt. NC was easy in the way that I said my piece, she hated hearing it

and wiped me.

I feel for other posters here that still have Nada trying everything to be in

their lives.

She trained me to be her mother, counselor and protector. I too was smothered

in love from an early age only to loose it when I grew up and realised my role.

One that I was no longer willing to participate in. I knew it for many years

but had to get in a healthy place myself to finally go NC.

This is probably true of many co-dependant realtionships.

I have a wonderful husband and daughter and I finally love and respect myself

enough to know I deserve to be treated in a loving way.

Kazam x

> >

> > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> >

> > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now

I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on

her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when

she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming

more evident.

> >

> > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> >

> > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother

- and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

> >

> > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to these posts as well. Being the Golden Child I was groomed to be

hers. Then when I woke up to the manipulation and control she had over me it

all changed. This took many years. When I was being what she wanted I was

showered with love, gifts and admiration. I lived with enormous guilt if I

didn't meet her every need. Nada is a waife.

That is why it was so hard for me to cut the umbilical cord, even though there

were mostly bad times and mind games. There was always a price to pay. I craved

her love and feared abandonment. Which I finally received when I spoke up to

how I felt. NC was easy in the way that I said my piece, she hated hearing it

and wiped me.

I feel for other posters here that still have Nada trying everything to be in

their lives.

She trained me to be her mother, counselor and protector. I too was smothered

in love from an early age only to loose it when I grew up and realised my role.

One that I was no longer willing to participate in. I knew it for many years

but had to get in a healthy place myself to finally go NC.

This is probably true of many co-dependant realtionships.

I have a wonderful husband and daughter and I finally love and respect myself

enough to know I deserve to be treated in a loving way.

Kazam x

> >

> > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> >

> > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now

I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on

her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when

she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming

more evident.

> >

> > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> >

> > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother

- and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

> >

> > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

caitlin -

My mom and I used to be very close too. That's what has been so hard. When she

went through the divorce with my dad, there were things she did that I thought

were wrong. She would confide in me, ask me " what should I do " and I always told

her the truth - I would say that's not right mom. It took me a long time to

realize she was coming to me to get my approval of her actions. When I didn't

" approve " , I was the enemy.

Years and years of this has been repeated and the last 3 or 4 years she no

longer " confides " in me or even ask my opinion. She has made some really bad

decisions. I realize now my dad was her " anchor " , always the one keeping her

from doing the stupid things. Now she can do whatever she wants and gets into

financial trouble and bad situations all the time. Of course, the times when I

have been made privvy to her ideas and have been asked " what do you think " I've

always said, nicely - mom, that's not wise (followed by the reason why). Now I'm

labeled " the most negative person she knows " where I used to be labeled " wise

beyond my years " .

Anyway, sorry for all that, just trying to say I know what it's like to think

you had a " good friend " or a " real mom " and then in your adult years the mask

comes off and you see what is really underneath and how you've been manipulated

into enabling her behaviors.

Its a VERY hard adjustment. I have seen the truth behind my mom for many years

now but only recently have been able to step back and realize she probably has a

clinical diagnosis.

I can definitely relate to you and I am so very thankful I found this group.

> >

> > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> >

> > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now

I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on

her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when

she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming

more evident.

> >

> > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> >

> > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother

- and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

> >

> > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

caitlin -

My mom and I used to be very close too. That's what has been so hard. When she

went through the divorce with my dad, there were things she did that I thought

were wrong. She would confide in me, ask me " what should I do " and I always told

her the truth - I would say that's not right mom. It took me a long time to

realize she was coming to me to get my approval of her actions. When I didn't

" approve " , I was the enemy.

Years and years of this has been repeated and the last 3 or 4 years she no

longer " confides " in me or even ask my opinion. She has made some really bad

decisions. I realize now my dad was her " anchor " , always the one keeping her

from doing the stupid things. Now she can do whatever she wants and gets into

financial trouble and bad situations all the time. Of course, the times when I

have been made privvy to her ideas and have been asked " what do you think " I've

always said, nicely - mom, that's not wise (followed by the reason why). Now I'm

labeled " the most negative person she knows " where I used to be labeled " wise

beyond my years " .

Anyway, sorry for all that, just trying to say I know what it's like to think

you had a " good friend " or a " real mom " and then in your adult years the mask

comes off and you see what is really underneath and how you've been manipulated

into enabling her behaviors.

Its a VERY hard adjustment. I have seen the truth behind my mom for many years

now but only recently have been able to step back and realize she probably has a

clinical diagnosis.

I can definitely relate to you and I am so very thankful I found this group.

> >

> > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> >

> > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now

I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on

her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when

she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming

more evident.

> >

> > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> >

> > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother

- and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

> >

> > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

caitlin -

My mom and I used to be very close too. That's what has been so hard. When she

went through the divorce with my dad, there were things she did that I thought

were wrong. She would confide in me, ask me " what should I do " and I always told

her the truth - I would say that's not right mom. It took me a long time to

realize she was coming to me to get my approval of her actions. When I didn't

" approve " , I was the enemy.

Years and years of this has been repeated and the last 3 or 4 years she no

longer " confides " in me or even ask my opinion. She has made some really bad

decisions. I realize now my dad was her " anchor " , always the one keeping her

from doing the stupid things. Now she can do whatever she wants and gets into

financial trouble and bad situations all the time. Of course, the times when I

have been made privvy to her ideas and have been asked " what do you think " I've

always said, nicely - mom, that's not wise (followed by the reason why). Now I'm

labeled " the most negative person she knows " where I used to be labeled " wise

beyond my years " .

Anyway, sorry for all that, just trying to say I know what it's like to think

you had a " good friend " or a " real mom " and then in your adult years the mask

comes off and you see what is really underneath and how you've been manipulated

into enabling her behaviors.

Its a VERY hard adjustment. I have seen the truth behind my mom for many years

now but only recently have been able to step back and realize she probably has a

clinical diagnosis.

I can definitely relate to you and I am so very thankful I found this group.

> >

> > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> >

> > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now

I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on

her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when

she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming

more evident.

> >

> > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> >

> > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother

- and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

> >

> > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My father was exactly the way you describe your mother.

As soon as I grew older, expressed any opinions different from his, or

questioned/disagreed with him, he was no longer interested in me. I wasn't

lovable or cute anymore.

He became very distant and almost pretended I wasn't around. I, of course,

interpreted his behavior to mean that I had done something wrong to make him

reject me that way.

And, yes, my mother is most demonstratively loving when she's " needed. " She

uses pet names at those times. Examples of those times: when my car was stolen,

when my kids have been sick. I guess it makes her feel useful to be needed.

It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

[Guest guest]

My father was exactly the way you describe your mother.

As soon as I grew older, expressed any opinions different from his, or

questioned/disagreed with him, he was no longer interested in me. I wasn't

lovable or cute anymore.

He became very distant and almost pretended I wasn't around. I, of course,

interpreted his behavior to mean that I had done something wrong to make him

reject me that way.

And, yes, my mother is most demonstratively loving when she's " needed. " She

uses pet names at those times. Examples of those times: when my car was stolen,

when my kids have been sick. I guess it makes her feel useful to be needed.

It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

[Guest guest]

My father was exactly the way you describe your mother.

As soon as I grew older, expressed any opinions different from his, or

questioned/disagreed with him, he was no longer interested in me. I wasn't

lovable or cute anymore.

He became very distant and almost pretended I wasn't around. I, of course,

interpreted his behavior to mean that I had done something wrong to make him

reject me that way.

And, yes, my mother is most demonstratively loving when she's " needed. " She

uses pet names at those times. Examples of those times: when my car was stolen,

when my kids have been sick. I guess it makes her feel useful to be needed.

It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

>

> I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

>

> Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time. Now I

see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent on her.

As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is when she

started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started becoming more

evident.

>

> As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took me

years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the young-child

sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in me or much

about my life.

> Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

>

> I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent mother -

and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only nurturing and

loving if you " need " them??

>

> (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

>

[Guest guest]

The similarity in phrasology among these people never ceases to amaze me. Do

they go to secret meetings to learn these phrases or what? So many of you have

quoted word for word my own mother's statements!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> caitlin -

Now I'm labeled " the most negative person she knows " where I used to be labeled

" wise beyond my years " .

>

[Guest guest]

Great point! My fada is so nice if you're sick or upset and don't know what to

do. He plays counselor and gives advice. But when you're happy or doing well

at work/school/family he shoots you down with a semi-automatic, verbally

speaking.

Sis and I start out conversations about him... " So was he being good Dad or bad

Dad today? "

+Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. I have decided that this training has " taught " me to be sick. I am

wondering if my emotional need to not be attacked has caused me to almost make

myself sick at times?

>> It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I think that during our growing-up years we crave and genuinely need our

parents' approval so desperately that we will twist ourselves into pretzels to

get it. If we only get praise when we become nada's mini-me, then that's what

we do. If we only get love and attention when we're needy or ill, then we

become needy and ill.

If we are only valued when we act as nada's parent or servant, then that's what

we become. If we get less abuse by disappearing into the wallpaper, then we

become as invisible as possible.

And this twisting of ourselves appears to continue into adulthood; we still

crave approval and love from our parents even though its clear on an

intellectual level that they're not capable of giving it.

I'm beginning to wonder if the British tradition of sending their young children

off to boarding school to live for two thirds of the year is a better idea? In

the case of children with mentally ill, personality disordered parents, it would

be a godsend.

-Annie

> >> It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, I feel like I could have written what you wrote, Big Sister, almost

verbatim. My stepfather has in many ways kept my mom grounded but in others also

been her enabler. At any rate, he was a good buffer between me and her -- until

he finally couldn't take it any more and moved out. Then all the manipulation

he'd been managing to control wasn't so well hidden. She suddenly was getting

into trouble with police, her driver's license was suspended due to reckless

driving and multiple accidents (she was also dropped from every car insurance

policy out there), dealing with identity theft and related lawsuits (which I

still suspect never actually was legitimate)... Then when I had to be the one to

tell her that I didn't agree with her actions -- speaking honestly and openly,

the way SHE had taught me to do -- I was the bad guy and he was back in her

inner circle. Now they are back together and I'm sure it's only a matter of time

until they split again and she needs me back in her good graces to " approve " of

her behavior.

I think one of the things that's hard for me is knowing that my mom also

suspected that her mother had borderline personality disorder, and cut off

communication between them because of it. She was not even told of her mother's

death until a month after it happened, lest they reconcile and my mom be written

back into her mother's will. I worry sometimes that I am only repeating the past

and I hope I am making the right choices. One of my mother's hallmarks is

cutting people out of her life who " don't love her enough " and while I know

that's not why I've cut off communication between me and my mom, it still at

times seems unfair of me to say I can't be with her. What a total switch from

how I've always remembered her.

> > >

> > > I see a lot of people here describe their mothers growing up as cold and

unloving.

> > >

> > > Mine was quite the opposite. Nurturing, loving, doting most of the time.

Now I see that most of that behavior was because I was a young child dependent

on her. As I began to grow into a teenager and want to be more independent is

when she started having more blow ups at me and her manipulation started

becoming more evident.

> > >

> > > As soon as I left for college, she dropped me like a hot potato. It took

me years to figure out that it was because I didn't " need " her in the

young-child sense of the word anymore. All of a sudden, she wasn't interested in

me or much about my life.

> > > Once she divorced my dad, she quickly went to become a foster parent and

focused all her time and attention on whichever foster child she had at the

time, completely ignoring most of her biological children.

> > >

> > > I just wanted to present another aspect of mothering- the codependent

mother - and see if anyone else here can identify with a BPD that is only

nurturing and loving if you " need " them??

> > >

> > > (Her latest thing is she wants to be a missionary to a Latin American

country....also to feed the codependency in my opinion)

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Nada only gave me attention when I was good and able to meet her needs. If I

was sick or needed a mother for some good advice she played my situation down

and words that still ring clearly " What are you worried about there is always

someone else worse off " . Which is true but I didn't like hearing it. When I

would go to talk about a problem she turned it around to her and she always had

a similiar one. This is the lack of Empathy that I now know comes with BPD.

Their problems are huge and over amped anyone elses are not important.

Hence why now I have a huge problem with ME ME ME people.

Kazam x

> >> It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Nada only gave me attention when I was good and able to meet her needs. If I

was sick or needed a mother for some good advice she played my situation down

and words that still ring clearly " What are you worried about there is always

someone else worse off " . Which is true but I didn't like hearing it. When I

would go to talk about a problem she turned it around to her and she always had

a similiar one. This is the lack of Empathy that I now know comes with BPD.

Their problems are huge and over amped anyone elses are not important.

Hence why now I have a huge problem with ME ME ME people.

Kazam x

> >> It's sad that these kind of mothers don't feel worth (and make others feel

worthless) unless they are needed in an " I'm in charge, you're not " way.

> >

>