Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I have always been so generous with my mom. Always buying things for her...always giving her a 20 here, a 20 there. my mom bought me a bag of peaches once...and told me I owed her $3.72. Just to make myself feel better, I gave her the 3 dollars and told her I'd owe her the rest. She said OK. My anger is always directed at myself. I try to exercise it away, talk it away, rationalize it away...nothing. The best way I subside my anger is to do charity work. The more truly needy people I see in my life, the more I need to reach out and take action. It somehow makes my anger feel smaller. Right now, I am collecting money for The Smile Train. It really puts things into perspective for me. Amy ANGER!!! This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? +Coal Miner's Daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I have always been so generous with my mom. Always buying things for her...always giving her a 20 here, a 20 there. my mom bought me a bag of peaches once...and told me I owed her $3.72. Just to make myself feel better, I gave her the 3 dollars and told her I'd owe her the rest. She said OK. My anger is always directed at myself. I try to exercise it away, talk it away, rationalize it away...nothing. The best way I subside my anger is to do charity work. The more truly needy people I see in my life, the more I need to reach out and take action. It somehow makes my anger feel smaller. Right now, I am collecting money for The Smile Train. It really puts things into perspective for me. Amy ANGER!!! This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? +Coal Miner's Daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 CMD, Your post is so timely for me. I was never ALLOWED to be angry as a child, so I find that I'm now getting retroactively angry for things I had to grin and bear in the past. It shocks me, because I've never before thought of myself as an angry person. Your comment about anger turning into underground rivers is beautiful and apt. Sometimes, I even worry that my anger will find some inappropriate outlet, and I'll unleash it, like a dam breaking on some unsuspecting bystander! Is this anger something new? Or has it been going on for a long time? Do you know that it's okay and justifiable to be angry? Like you, I often get angry to the point where I feel that I just don't care. The problem is that I actually do. I am working on letting go of that. As children of parents who could be too controlling, yet themselves uncontrollable, I think we KOs have a hard time really realizing that we are now in charge. I am LC with my Nada. I live in a different state, I pay my own rent, I have an amazing husband and great friends, and she really knows very little about the details of my life. There's no part of me she has any control over! But I still let her hurt me sometimes, and even I don't know why. I'm still tied up in this image she has of me as a selfish, snobby, cold person. When I make a mistake, I don't think, " Oh, I made a mistake, " I think, " I'm a fraud and an idiot, and it's only a matter of time until everyone else finds out about me. " Thanks, Mom. So much of the healing we have to go through is easier said than done. Telling ourselves that we are good people. That we are in control. We're safe now. We can make our own decisions and our parents can say whatever they want and feel however they want, but we don't have to feel that way or listen to what they have to say. We can decide what we want out of our relationships with our Nadas and do only as much as is required to get what we feel is realistic. In the meantime, maybe all we can do is keep reminding ourselves over and over that we are as free as we want to be, and hope it will sink in someday. AND, reinforce the message by creating full lives for ourselves that Nada can't touch. > > > I have always been so generous with my mom. Always buying things for her...always giving her a 20 here, a 20 there. > my mom bought me a bag of peaches once...and told me I owed her $3.72. > Just to make myself feel better, I gave her the 3 dollars and told her I'd owe her the rest. She said OK. > > > My anger is always directed at myself. > > > I try to exercise it away, talk it away, rationalize it away...nothing. > > > The best way I subside my anger is to do charity work. The more truly needy people I see in my life, the more I need to reach out and take action. It somehow makes my anger feel smaller. Right now, I am collecting money for The Smile Train. It really puts things into perspective for me. > > > Amy > > > > > > ANGER!!! > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 CMD, Your post is so timely for me. I was never ALLOWED to be angry as a child, so I find that I'm now getting retroactively angry for things I had to grin and bear in the past. It shocks me, because I've never before thought of myself as an angry person. Your comment about anger turning into underground rivers is beautiful and apt. Sometimes, I even worry that my anger will find some inappropriate outlet, and I'll unleash it, like a dam breaking on some unsuspecting bystander! Is this anger something new? Or has it been going on for a long time? Do you know that it's okay and justifiable to be angry? Like you, I often get angry to the point where I feel that I just don't care. The problem is that I actually do. I am working on letting go of that. As children of parents who could be too controlling, yet themselves uncontrollable, I think we KOs have a hard time really realizing that we are now in charge. I am LC with my Nada. I live in a different state, I pay my own rent, I have an amazing husband and great friends, and she really knows very little about the details of my life. There's no part of me she has any control over! But I still let her hurt me sometimes, and even I don't know why. I'm still tied up in this image she has of me as a selfish, snobby, cold person. When I make a mistake, I don't think, " Oh, I made a mistake, " I think, " I'm a fraud and an idiot, and it's only a matter of time until everyone else finds out about me. " Thanks, Mom. So much of the healing we have to go through is easier said than done. Telling ourselves that we are good people. That we are in control. We're safe now. We can make our own decisions and our parents can say whatever they want and feel however they want, but we don't have to feel that way or listen to what they have to say. We can decide what we want out of our relationships with our Nadas and do only as much as is required to get what we feel is realistic. In the meantime, maybe all we can do is keep reminding ourselves over and over that we are as free as we want to be, and hope it will sink in someday. AND, reinforce the message by creating full lives for ourselves that Nada can't touch. > > > I have always been so generous with my mom. Always buying things for her...always giving her a 20 here, a 20 there. > my mom bought me a bag of peaches once...and told me I owed her $3.72. > Just to make myself feel better, I gave her the 3 dollars and told her I'd owe her the rest. She said OK. > > > My anger is always directed at myself. > > > I try to exercise it away, talk it away, rationalize it away...nothing. > > > The best way I subside my anger is to do charity work. The more truly needy people I see in my life, the more I need to reach out and take action. It somehow makes my anger feel smaller. Right now, I am collecting money for The Smile Train. It really puts things into perspective for me. > > > Amy > > > > > > ANGER!!! > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 CMD, Your post is so timely for me. I was never ALLOWED to be angry as a child, so I find that I'm now getting retroactively angry for things I had to grin and bear in the past. It shocks me, because I've never before thought of myself as an angry person. Your comment about anger turning into underground rivers is beautiful and apt. Sometimes, I even worry that my anger will find some inappropriate outlet, and I'll unleash it, like a dam breaking on some unsuspecting bystander! Is this anger something new? Or has it been going on for a long time? Do you know that it's okay and justifiable to be angry? Like you, I often get angry to the point where I feel that I just don't care. The problem is that I actually do. I am working on letting go of that. As children of parents who could be too controlling, yet themselves uncontrollable, I think we KOs have a hard time really realizing that we are now in charge. I am LC with my Nada. I live in a different state, I pay my own rent, I have an amazing husband and great friends, and she really knows very little about the details of my life. There's no part of me she has any control over! But I still let her hurt me sometimes, and even I don't know why. I'm still tied up in this image she has of me as a selfish, snobby, cold person. When I make a mistake, I don't think, " Oh, I made a mistake, " I think, " I'm a fraud and an idiot, and it's only a matter of time until everyone else finds out about me. " Thanks, Mom. So much of the healing we have to go through is easier said than done. Telling ourselves that we are good people. That we are in control. We're safe now. We can make our own decisions and our parents can say whatever they want and feel however they want, but we don't have to feel that way or listen to what they have to say. We can decide what we want out of our relationships with our Nadas and do only as much as is required to get what we feel is realistic. In the meantime, maybe all we can do is keep reminding ourselves over and over that we are as free as we want to be, and hope it will sink in someday. AND, reinforce the message by creating full lives for ourselves that Nada can't touch. > > > I have always been so generous with my mom. Always buying things for her...always giving her a 20 here, a 20 there. > my mom bought me a bag of peaches once...and told me I owed her $3.72. > Just to make myself feel better, I gave her the 3 dollars and told her I'd owe her the rest. She said OK. > > > My anger is always directed at myself. > > > I try to exercise it away, talk it away, rationalize it away...nothing. > > > The best way I subside my anger is to do charity work. The more truly needy people I see in my life, the more I need to reach out and take action. It somehow makes my anger feel smaller. Right now, I am collecting money for The Smile Train. It really puts things into perspective for me. > > > Amy > > > > > > ANGER!!! > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Sometimes we feel angry because it seems that our crazy parents have all the control and we have none. So, maybe a very short visit will be sufficient, just a few hours, not a whole day. Might be worth considering. They'll be put out and complain, but, they will anyway. So decide what works for you and just go for it! But, each of us has to figure out what works for us as individuals. Nothing wrong with NO visit at all, either. You have the power to decide what you can and can't tolerate. -Annie > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Sometimes we feel angry because it seems that our crazy parents have all the control and we have none. So, maybe a very short visit will be sufficient, just a few hours, not a whole day. Might be worth considering. They'll be put out and complain, but, they will anyway. So decide what works for you and just go for it! But, each of us has to figure out what works for us as individuals. Nothing wrong with NO visit at all, either. You have the power to decide what you can and can't tolerate. -Annie > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Sometimes we feel angry because it seems that our crazy parents have all the control and we have none. So, maybe a very short visit will be sufficient, just a few hours, not a whole day. Might be worth considering. They'll be put out and complain, but, they will anyway. So decide what works for you and just go for it! But, each of us has to figure out what works for us as individuals. Nothing wrong with NO visit at all, either. You have the power to decide what you can and can't tolerate. -Annie > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Coal miner daugther, anger is GOOD, anger is great!!!! Anger helps me to change, to really transform. Before I had a lot of anger in myself - I was like walking time bomb or I was totaly depresed. Until I got really angry and on the person who caused my anger . It helped me to say Enough!!!! without any guilt . I was too angry and there were no place for quilt and pity or anything else anymore) It gave me strenght to cut my unhealthy ties. It takes few times to really cut it but it was worth it. Now I 'm much calmer. I'm not in constant anger or depression anymore (all my friends agree with that) And I don't play by the old rules anymore. At all. Doesn't matter what. My mother is in a hospital now probably because of my cutting ties too ( final attempt if she can manipulate me with fake suicide attempt) but I found out that this is the best for both of us. Somebody was treating you very badly all your life and you are asking yourself it you are perhaps a little rude because you don't want to invite him or her to abuse you a little more???!!! My suggestion....send to hell all of your " BPDODDNPD " relatives and enjoy quiet cristhmass with your husband and kids not answering a phone at all. It will be a big fuss but it will pass and if you are angry enough you will not care anymore. Someday it has come to a point when you decide it's enough and you have to stop to play old games and charades. After a while people around get used to it and they stop attacking you. If they don't it is normal and healthy to cut them out of your life completely. You'll be the " bad " girl anyway - if you invite them or not- so bettter to send them to hell and have a good time. Y 2010/12/13 coalminersdotter > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my > life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know > it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as > depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada > are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their > own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing > cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual > obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " > I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T > CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a > movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his > family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - > shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. > We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs > a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " > Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the > same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our > trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. > It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting > repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than > sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do > something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life > just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Coal miner daugther, anger is GOOD, anger is great!!!! Anger helps me to change, to really transform. Before I had a lot of anger in myself - I was like walking time bomb or I was totaly depresed. Until I got really angry and on the person who caused my anger . It helped me to say Enough!!!! without any guilt . I was too angry and there were no place for quilt and pity or anything else anymore) It gave me strenght to cut my unhealthy ties. It takes few times to really cut it but it was worth it. Now I 'm much calmer. I'm not in constant anger or depression anymore (all my friends agree with that) And I don't play by the old rules anymore. At all. Doesn't matter what. My mother is in a hospital now probably because of my cutting ties too ( final attempt if she can manipulate me with fake suicide attempt) but I found out that this is the best for both of us. Somebody was treating you very badly all your life and you are asking yourself it you are perhaps a little rude because you don't want to invite him or her to abuse you a little more???!!! My suggestion....send to hell all of your " BPDODDNPD " relatives and enjoy quiet cristhmass with your husband and kids not answering a phone at all. It will be a big fuss but it will pass and if you are angry enough you will not care anymore. Someday it has come to a point when you decide it's enough and you have to stop to play old games and charades. After a while people around get used to it and they stop attacking you. If they don't it is normal and healthy to cut them out of your life completely. You'll be the " bad " girl anyway - if you invite them or not- so bettter to send them to hell and have a good time. Y 2010/12/13 coalminersdotter > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my > life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know > it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as > depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada > are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their > own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing > cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual > obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " > I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T > CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a > movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his > family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - > shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. > We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs > a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " > Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the > same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our > trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. > It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting > repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than > sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do > something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life > just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Coal miner daugther, anger is GOOD, anger is great!!!! Anger helps me to change, to really transform. Before I had a lot of anger in myself - I was like walking time bomb or I was totaly depresed. Until I got really angry and on the person who caused my anger . It helped me to say Enough!!!! without any guilt . I was too angry and there were no place for quilt and pity or anything else anymore) It gave me strenght to cut my unhealthy ties. It takes few times to really cut it but it was worth it. Now I 'm much calmer. I'm not in constant anger or depression anymore (all my friends agree with that) And I don't play by the old rules anymore. At all. Doesn't matter what. My mother is in a hospital now probably because of my cutting ties too ( final attempt if she can manipulate me with fake suicide attempt) but I found out that this is the best for both of us. Somebody was treating you very badly all your life and you are asking yourself it you are perhaps a little rude because you don't want to invite him or her to abuse you a little more???!!! My suggestion....send to hell all of your " BPDODDNPD " relatives and enjoy quiet cristhmass with your husband and kids not answering a phone at all. It will be a big fuss but it will pass and if you are angry enough you will not care anymore. Someday it has come to a point when you decide it's enough and you have to stop to play old games and charades. After a while people around get used to it and they stop attacking you. If they don't it is normal and healthy to cut them out of your life completely. You'll be the " bad " girl anyway - if you invite them or not- so bettter to send them to hell and have a good time. Y 2010/12/13 coalminersdotter > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my > life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know > it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as > depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada > are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their > own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing > cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual > obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " > I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T > CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a > movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his > family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - > shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. > We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs > a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " > Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the > same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our > trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. > It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting > repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than > sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do > something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life > just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Hi CMD, I'm struggling a lot with anger too lately. More than once including this year in the lead up to visiting and Christmas I've blown up at someone I normally wouldn't. I did it yesterday and I feel so guilty about it. It's not that the person didn't need to be told off, but that I lost control. For me to emotionally lose control like that is pretty rare, but the anger about the FOO bubbles an bursts out in strange places. So....looks like I'm not a good person to give you any advice about this, lol! And why am I in a better mood today - because I'm drugging myself with 5-htp. Yes, it's come to that and it's a damn shame. When I'm not drugging myself, I find Buddhist meditation and mindfulness methods can be very helpful if the situation is difficult but not too intense. An emotion that hasn't picked up a lot of " steam " yet can be dispersed if you just sit still and focus on it - meaning your awareness of the feeling itself. It weakens the more you watch it. However once it gets too strong I find that hard to do. Good luck with your Xmas visit or non-visit > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Hi CMD, I'm struggling a lot with anger too lately. More than once including this year in the lead up to visiting and Christmas I've blown up at someone I normally wouldn't. I did it yesterday and I feel so guilty about it. It's not that the person didn't need to be told off, but that I lost control. For me to emotionally lose control like that is pretty rare, but the anger about the FOO bubbles an bursts out in strange places. So....looks like I'm not a good person to give you any advice about this, lol! And why am I in a better mood today - because I'm drugging myself with 5-htp. Yes, it's come to that and it's a damn shame. When I'm not drugging myself, I find Buddhist meditation and mindfulness methods can be very helpful if the situation is difficult but not too intense. An emotion that hasn't picked up a lot of " steam " yet can be dispersed if you just sit still and focus on it - meaning your awareness of the feeling itself. It weakens the more you watch it. However once it gets too strong I find that hard to do. Good luck with your Xmas visit or non-visit > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Hi CMD, I'm struggling a lot with anger too lately. More than once including this year in the lead up to visiting and Christmas I've blown up at someone I normally wouldn't. I did it yesterday and I feel so guilty about it. It's not that the person didn't need to be told off, but that I lost control. For me to emotionally lose control like that is pretty rare, but the anger about the FOO bubbles an bursts out in strange places. So....looks like I'm not a good person to give you any advice about this, lol! And why am I in a better mood today - because I'm drugging myself with 5-htp. Yes, it's come to that and it's a damn shame. When I'm not drugging myself, I find Buddhist meditation and mindfulness methods can be very helpful if the situation is difficult but not too intense. An emotion that hasn't picked up a lot of " steam " yet can be dispersed if you just sit still and focus on it - meaning your awareness of the feeling itself. It weakens the more you watch it. However once it gets too strong I find that hard to do. Good luck with your Xmas visit or non-visit > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 As many have already said, this is a loss that must be grieved. While I'm reading this thread I keep thinking " anger " is a stage of grief. I thought it would be helpful to post the stages of grief. This applies to anyone grieving the loss of something in their lives, even the loss of the " parent " you'll never have: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain 3. Anger 4. Depression and Loneliness 5. Acceptance and Hope Also, any of the stages of grief can reappear at any time and you must work through back to acceptance. I haven't gotten to anger yet. I'm kind of still working through shock and denial right now. ((HUGS)) to you all > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 As many have already said, this is a loss that must be grieved. While I'm reading this thread I keep thinking " anger " is a stage of grief. I thought it would be helpful to post the stages of grief. This applies to anyone grieving the loss of something in their lives, even the loss of the " parent " you'll never have: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain 3. Anger 4. Depression and Loneliness 5. Acceptance and Hope Also, any of the stages of grief can reappear at any time and you must work through back to acceptance. I haven't gotten to anger yet. I'm kind of still working through shock and denial right now. ((HUGS)) to you all > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 As many have already said, this is a loss that must be grieved. While I'm reading this thread I keep thinking " anger " is a stage of grief. I thought it would be helpful to post the stages of grief. This applies to anyone grieving the loss of something in their lives, even the loss of the " parent " you'll never have: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain 3. Anger 4. Depression and Loneliness 5. Acceptance and Hope Also, any of the stages of grief can reappear at any time and you must work through back to acceptance. I haven't gotten to anger yet. I'm kind of still working through shock and denial right now. ((HUGS)) to you all > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I am so stuck in the pain phase. All of this still physically hurts me...It's strange how you can feel emotional pain. Amy Re: ANGER!!! As many have already said, this is a loss that must be grieved. While I'm reading this thread I keep thinking " anger " is a stage of grief. I thought it would be helpful to post the stages of grief. This applies to anyone grieving the loss of something in their lives, even the loss of the " parent " you'll never have: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain 3. Anger 4. Depression and Loneliness 5. Acceptance and Hope Also, any of the stages of grief can reappear at any time and you must work through back to acceptance. I haven't gotten to anger yet. I'm kind of still working through shock and denial right now. ((HUGS)) to you all > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I am so stuck in the pain phase. All of this still physically hurts me...It's strange how you can feel emotional pain. Amy Re: ANGER!!! As many have already said, this is a loss that must be grieved. While I'm reading this thread I keep thinking " anger " is a stage of grief. I thought it would be helpful to post the stages of grief. This applies to anyone grieving the loss of something in their lives, even the loss of the " parent " you'll never have: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain 3. Anger 4. Depression and Loneliness 5. Acceptance and Hope Also, any of the stages of grief can reappear at any time and you must work through back to acceptance. I haven't gotten to anger yet. I'm kind of still working through shock and denial right now. ((HUGS)) to you all > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I am so stuck in the pain phase. All of this still physically hurts me...It's strange how you can feel emotional pain. Amy Re: ANGER!!! As many have already said, this is a loss that must be grieved. While I'm reading this thread I keep thinking " anger " is a stage of grief. I thought it would be helpful to post the stages of grief. This applies to anyone grieving the loss of something in their lives, even the loss of the " parent " you'll never have: 1. Shock & Denial 2. Pain 3. Anger 4. Depression and Loneliness 5. Acceptance and Hope Also, any of the stages of grief can reappear at any time and you must work through back to acceptance. I haven't gotten to anger yet. I'm kind of still working through shock and denial right now. ((HUGS)) to you all > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 Well, Loretty, LOL..sorry, humor. CMD, we all carry a great deal of anger. Part of our brokenness is never being able to express it appropriately because of nada s FOG control of us. Since we cannot express it appropriately, at the time, it often wells up in extreme and inappropriate ways later. The anger will damage and sicken you. In dealing with anger, particularly deep , long seated anger, there are a few things to keep in mind. 1. Just as you would do with a victim of gas poisening, first get the victim to safety. Don t add to the poisen. So, if that means we do NOT go to FOG controlled family functions, well then we just don t. If anyone wants to discuss why, you are simply not up to it, and will be glad to discuss it and a later time and place. Since that place will be in a Therapist s office, likely no one will want to come with you , but oh well. 2. Identify the source ( s) of your anger. Journaling, writing it out, for your own thought process, even if no one else ever reads it, can be very helpful. 3. Acknowledge your anger. I am angry at ____ because of _____. However many lines there are to this part of it, do it. It is real, pretending it is not, well how s that working out for you? 4. Validate your anger. In number 3 above, it is OK that I m angry with ____ over ____. Anger is an emotion, a feeling. Feelings are not bad, they simply are. My actions is response to feelings can be good or bad, but the feelings are like freckles, or knobby knees. They simply are. 5. Express your anger. This may be alone, but with a T might be safer, and more comfortable. Read out your list of those things and people that have filled you with this buried anger. Bring along a pillow, or a stuffed animal, or a nerf something. Ideally, one you are not terribly attached to. After you read out loud what you are so angry about, go ballistic. I mean it, dont hold anything back. Scream. Cuss. Shout. Cry. Sob. Beat the crap out of the pillow, or animal, or the couch. Get on the floor on your hands and knees and pound the carpet and rage , and sob, and blow snot bubbles. You ve kept this crap bottled up inside for a very long time. Once you prick the surface of this boil, the pus will come pouring and raging out. Let it. It won t kill you. You might prefer not to be alone, though. So I would do this with the help of a trusted counselor. You also said, Help, I want to grow up. Do you? Really? It s hard work. And it can be kinda scary to stop being the scared little girl. You sure about that? Then, if you do, and if you are ready for some work, get a copy of the book, " How People Grow " by Drs Henry Cloud and Townsend. Good luck! May we all heal. Doug - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Anger is a healthy emotion. Acting on anger can be unhealthy. One of the hardest things to do is to sit still and do nothing when angry. But, its really the best thing. you have a right to your feelings and who cares who might say otherwise. I found that I could not stand being in a constant state of anger and always wondering when the next attack would come. I got to the point where I did not care who thought ill of me...preserving my emotional stability came first and that meant cutting out my BP and any sympathizers with the BP. it is what it is and I can choose family gatherings when I'm feeling strong and safe and I can NOT choose them when I'm not feeling strong and safe. Its hard to heal when your buttons are always being pushed. For me, I had to set the only boundaries I could to ensure with all of my ability to control, that my BP could not get to me and that the people all over the US she called and lied to and made call me to convey what a horrible rotten unforgivable cold hearted person I was were nothing to me and I could just change my phone number and not have to deal with them. Just because people are family does not give them this magical pass to trample us. Bad behavior is bad behavior and it matters not one bit if its a mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, spouse or children. If bad behavior is negative for you there are only two choices...change your expectations about them and how you approach/react to them or block them from contact. Neither choice is an easy one. Focus on you and what you need. Find something you love to do and do that as much as you can to restore a positive sense in your soul. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you much healing and peace. You will find it. Jaie > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Dear Amy, Annie, Big Sister, Doug, Jgar, and Yenaine, WOW!!! Your answers have been so helpful for me. I didn't think anyone would respond to this post. In my " real " life, it seems people shy away from the topic of anger and don't like to see it displayed in any way, like it is some kind of ugly, disgusting thing. This fact in itself tells me a lot about why I have learned to repress it. Plus, of course the abusers wouldn't want to see my anger, since it is at them! AMY: I live in the pain during the night and in my dreams. That's when the vulnerability comes out. So, you still owe her 72 cents for the peaches, hu? ANNIE: I will do as you suggest regarding limiting the visit at least and doing it on my terms. Your advice in this regard has proved very helpful so far and got me through Thanksgiving. Also, giving me " permission " to say no gives me back control. I have found that knowing I can say no made the visits I allowed much better. BIG SISTER: the Stages of Grief are definitely relevant. I had wondered if this whole thing follows a pattern like grieving because it sometimes seems like that's what we're actually doing here. We can't change the BPD and there is a finality to it. DOUG: I will do as you suggest. I have been talking out loud to myself for quite some time now. I find it helps immensely, but I have to remember to knock it off when in public. ha ha People say you're only crazy if you answer yourself, but if I didn't answer, that would be rude. I'd rather be called crazy than rude, now, wouldn't I? Anyway, I will begin with the journaling and proceed to the expression as you outlined. I also just looked up the book, " How People Grow. " I saw several by Cloud and Townsend that looked helpful and am a huge fan of " Boundaries. " Do you have any more by Cloud and Townsend that you would particularly recommend for KOs? JGAR: Your point about not being allowed to feel anger particularly hit home and illuminated things for me. It explains why I tend toward depression, anxiety, workaholism, eating disorders, excessive activity in every area... JULIE: You mentioned that anger with FOO bubbles out in other places. I can see this so much in my own life with husband and children. I have a tendency to yell. It's strange because I hate yelling and never yelled before. I think I will continue to see improvement in this area as I heal. YENAINE: Thank you for the gift of seeing anger as a positive emotion that promotes change and growth. You are 100% correct about this. I will not see it as the ugly thing it was made out to be, but allow it to serve me as an agent of transformation. Sincere and Deepest Thanks, +Coal Miner's Daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi CMD, In my experience anger is the flashing red warning sign that something is wrong and has to change. It sounds like you need more space from family offenders and Christmas is famous as a time when those who create emotional havoc " go to town. " Your husband's comment, " That might be a little rude, " might show he's playing by " normie " rules and really not up to speed on the tools of protection necessary to handle BPs. A vigorous defense of boundaries often necessitates " seeming " rudeness with a BP family. I say " seeming " because like children, some family members are sensitive to the smallest mention of correction. You can speak lovingly and gently and they respond immediately. Others are much less able to hear and " get it. " They need not only the raised voice, but the time out in the corner, plus consistent consequences in order to " learn " what the adult is trying to put across. Your anger may be trying to signal that some of your methods are not working. So I would offer the following questions to self-analysis: Does your approach need an adjustment to protect your boundaries? Are you expending a lot of mental energy and emotion around boundaries? Which ones? Write it out, pinpoint it. Who is not " getting " your boundary message and around what issue? Does the phone have to be limited? Personal contact? Do you need to spell out the boundaries more emphatically with clear, direct examples instead of leaving things in generalities? For example, with a needy PD neighbor I had to spell out very clearly, " I need to be able to leave my home and get to my car without being stopped for conversation and questions. You see, I'm often hurrying to appointments, and if you watch for me, and come out and talk to me every time I leave my home, it makes me late. Thanks for understanding. " After that, when it happened again and again, I offered a cheery " hi, " and a smile, never missed a beat and kept walking to the car and drove away as the words were still spilling from the neighbor's mouth. A few times like this, and he " learned " what he needed to know: that I would nicely smile and say hi, but nothing would stop me from my route to the car. Yes, it seemed rude, but it protected my boundary and it's what the neighbor needed in order to understand what was required. It's not up to me to judge him, if this is what he needs to learn. If what I consider " rudeness " is the requirement, how can I withhold what is needed without violating my own integrity? I just gave him what he needed to " get it. " The result? Now I freely enter and exit my home like other normal people. I am no longer angry and frustrated and peeking out the curtains every time I try and poke my nose out my own door. Relief!! In other words, I got very specific about where the hole was in my boundary, and I came up with a custom-made reponse so the PD person could clearly " get " what I meant. Maybe applying a bit of this same approach might answer what your anger is trying to tell you. Well, I'll stop here, and I hope this is helpful in some way. Sincerely, AFB > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Yes, CMD, You can check out Cloud Townsend resource page, for many of them. cloudtownsend.com. I think very highly of Safe People. I facilitated some groups for folks with various emotional issues to deal with, in a sequence that began with Safe People, then progressed to How People Grow. Both are available as books and have workbooks for use with small groups, or alone. They also have some audio of talks given by Dr s C or T on subjects in these books. Another CT resource I have read and recommend, now all KOs, please be seated and return your seat back trays to the full and upright position before you read this title:....everyone ready? It s Not My Fault. As you might expect, it will give you some great insights into Nada, as well as helping with fleas you might be dealing with. Bounderies, of course is excellent. Also, Changes that Heal. If you read all those and want more, hit me on here or use my email, I don t hide it on here and am always happy to respond to a brother or sister KO and help them heal. Doug > DOUG: I will do as you suggest. I have been talking out loud to myself for quite some time now. I find it helps immensely, but I have to remember to knock it off when in public. ha ha People say you're only crazy if you answer yourself, but if I didn't answer, that would be rude. I'd rather be called crazy than rude, now, wouldn't I? > > Anyway, I will begin with the journaling and proceed to the expression as you outlined. I also just looked up the book, " How People Grow. " I saw several by Cloud and Townsend that looked helpful and am a huge fan of " Boundaries. " Do you have any more by Cloud and Townsend that you would particularly recommend for KOs? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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