Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 This is so true. I have been through all of those phases, including even brief moments of acceptance. It really is a bereavement process. Thanks for this, Big Sis. > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 I agree, I think its good to pay attention to our anger and figure out where its coming from so we can do something about it. I think anger can be a cover for hurt feelings, at least for me. Its safer to feel angry than to feel sadness or shame or despair. Its easy for anger to build up inside when all the care, consideration and empathy goes one way only: towards nada or fada (or towards other pd family members.) The concept that its OK and normal to expect *mutual* respect and consideration is hard for us to grasp. I think what you've described RE how you dealt with getting ambushed by your neighbor is " being assertive " , and beautifully done. After politely verbally describing your boundary to your neighbor, and having that request ignored, you then very politely simply did not allow him to block your path and delay you any longer. To me, that's not rude. Being rude would be calling him an ugly name, or physically shoving him aside. I guess its hard for us even as adult children to just be assertive with our pd parents in a polite way. We want so badly for our parents to simply and *willingly* give us their respect and consideration. Nada and/or fada basically force us to demand respect and consideration for ourselves, and that goes against our grain. Being assertive means overcoming decades of *conditioning* to be submissive and obedient to our pd parents to gain their approval. Simply being polite but assertive is the ability to say things like: " That's not a good time for me, mother, I'm sorry, but how about next week? " or " I can't loan you more money, dad, until you pay me back what I've already loaned you " or " We had such a lovely Thanksgiving at your house last year, sis, so this year I'd like to host it at my house; taking turns is nice, don't you think? " or " I won't listen to you when you call me names/cry/scream at me. I'm leaving now/hanging up now. We can discuss this again later when you're feeling calmer " or " I'm sorry but I can't talk to you now, I'm in a hurry to get to an appointment. I'll get back to you later. Thanks for understanding. " or " I've told you before not to touch me like that. You lay hands on me again and and I'm telling both our spouses / the police about it. Have I made myself clear? " In my opinion when we give ourselves permission to have needs, feelings and boundaries, permission to simply state them, and the right to expect a mutual working-out of issues with mutual respect on both sides, then a lot of the anger will evaporate. -Annie > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 I agree, I think its good to pay attention to our anger and figure out where its coming from so we can do something about it. I think anger can be a cover for hurt feelings, at least for me. Its safer to feel angry than to feel sadness or shame or despair. Its easy for anger to build up inside when all the care, consideration and empathy goes one way only: towards nada or fada (or towards other pd family members.) The concept that its OK and normal to expect *mutual* respect and consideration is hard for us to grasp. I think what you've described RE how you dealt with getting ambushed by your neighbor is " being assertive " , and beautifully done. After politely verbally describing your boundary to your neighbor, and having that request ignored, you then very politely simply did not allow him to block your path and delay you any longer. To me, that's not rude. Being rude would be calling him an ugly name, or physically shoving him aside. I guess its hard for us even as adult children to just be assertive with our pd parents in a polite way. We want so badly for our parents to simply and *willingly* give us their respect and consideration. Nada and/or fada basically force us to demand respect and consideration for ourselves, and that goes against our grain. Being assertive means overcoming decades of *conditioning* to be submissive and obedient to our pd parents to gain their approval. Simply being polite but assertive is the ability to say things like: " That's not a good time for me, mother, I'm sorry, but how about next week? " or " I can't loan you more money, dad, until you pay me back what I've already loaned you " or " We had such a lovely Thanksgiving at your house last year, sis, so this year I'd like to host it at my house; taking turns is nice, don't you think? " or " I won't listen to you when you call me names/cry/scream at me. I'm leaving now/hanging up now. We can discuss this again later when you're feeling calmer " or " I'm sorry but I can't talk to you now, I'm in a hurry to get to an appointment. I'll get back to you later. Thanks for understanding. " or " I've told you before not to touch me like that. You lay hands on me again and and I'm telling both our spouses / the police about it. Have I made myself clear? " In my opinion when we give ourselves permission to have needs, feelings and boundaries, permission to simply state them, and the right to expect a mutual working-out of issues with mutual respect on both sides, then a lot of the anger will evaporate. -Annie > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 You are where I was a couple of years ago! I didn't know what I was feeling was anger, though. I thought I was depressed and anxious after being confronted in public by one of my mother-in-law's friends. So I went to see a therapist. She told me that I had adjustment disorder with anxiety due to a traumatic experience. She likened it to PTSD. She said what I was feeling was really anger and only by letting go of the anger could I get better. She convinced me that I could not change my mother-in-law, so obsessing over confrontation was fruitless. She taught me about limits and protecting myself. Most importantly, she offered me treatment in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It is a trauma resolution technique often used to treat soldiers with PTSD. She said sometimes it takes a series of 3+ sessions, but I felt healed after 1! It really worked. The other cure for the anger (without anxiety) was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. My therapist did not diagnose my mother-in-law without interviewing her, but I recognized 7 of the 9 symptoms of BPD on my own. I should know--I've dealt with her for 30 years! I no longer feel the anger and blame my mother-in-law for her past behavior because I recognize that she cannot help it. It's important to me that her actions were not malicious. I also feel some empathy with the constant emotional pain she obviously feels. I will never forget what she did to me for my entire married life--I have physical and emotional scars to prove it--and I will never wish to have a close relationship. But with therapy, the limits or boundaries that I learned to set for me and my family have held, and for about a year she seems to be respecting them. Now I can at least be in her presence without pain. You can do it too! Ironically, once my mother-in-law was completely neutralized a year ago, she all but stopped turning her BPD towards my husband, my children, and me. She still tortures my husband with hour-long calls about her pains & agonies, as well as cases of cancer in the area, but she doesn't punish with guilt anymore. I have read that BPs can age out of the illness, and possibly she has gotten better. It's more likely that she's turned the behavior towards another person. Sadly, I suspect it's my father-in-law, who has always denied that anything was wrong with her because he's so isolated that he wouldn't know any difference. It's not my problem though! I'm free! > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 You are where I was a couple of years ago! I didn't know what I was feeling was anger, though. I thought I was depressed and anxious after being confronted in public by one of my mother-in-law's friends. So I went to see a therapist. She told me that I had adjustment disorder with anxiety due to a traumatic experience. She likened it to PTSD. She said what I was feeling was really anger and only by letting go of the anger could I get better. She convinced me that I could not change my mother-in-law, so obsessing over confrontation was fruitless. She taught me about limits and protecting myself. Most importantly, she offered me treatment in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It is a trauma resolution technique often used to treat soldiers with PTSD. She said sometimes it takes a series of 3+ sessions, but I felt healed after 1! It really worked. The other cure for the anger (without anxiety) was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. My therapist did not diagnose my mother-in-law without interviewing her, but I recognized 7 of the 9 symptoms of BPD on my own. I should know--I've dealt with her for 30 years! I no longer feel the anger and blame my mother-in-law for her past behavior because I recognize that she cannot help it. It's important to me that her actions were not malicious. I also feel some empathy with the constant emotional pain she obviously feels. I will never forget what she did to me for my entire married life--I have physical and emotional scars to prove it--and I will never wish to have a close relationship. But with therapy, the limits or boundaries that I learned to set for me and my family have held, and for about a year she seems to be respecting them. Now I can at least be in her presence without pain. You can do it too! Ironically, once my mother-in-law was completely neutralized a year ago, she all but stopped turning her BPD towards my husband, my children, and me. She still tortures my husband with hour-long calls about her pains & agonies, as well as cases of cancer in the area, but she doesn't punish with guilt anymore. I have read that BPs can age out of the illness, and possibly she has gotten better. It's more likely that she's turned the behavior towards another person. Sadly, I suspect it's my father-in-law, who has always denied that anything was wrong with her because he's so isolated that he wouldn't know any difference. It's not my problem though! I'm free! > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 You are where I was a couple of years ago! I didn't know what I was feeling was anger, though. I thought I was depressed and anxious after being confronted in public by one of my mother-in-law's friends. So I went to see a therapist. She told me that I had adjustment disorder with anxiety due to a traumatic experience. She likened it to PTSD. She said what I was feeling was really anger and only by letting go of the anger could I get better. She convinced me that I could not change my mother-in-law, so obsessing over confrontation was fruitless. She taught me about limits and protecting myself. Most importantly, she offered me treatment in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It is a trauma resolution technique often used to treat soldiers with PTSD. She said sometimes it takes a series of 3+ sessions, but I felt healed after 1! It really worked. The other cure for the anger (without anxiety) was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. My therapist did not diagnose my mother-in-law without interviewing her, but I recognized 7 of the 9 symptoms of BPD on my own. I should know--I've dealt with her for 30 years! I no longer feel the anger and blame my mother-in-law for her past behavior because I recognize that she cannot help it. It's important to me that her actions were not malicious. I also feel some empathy with the constant emotional pain she obviously feels. I will never forget what she did to me for my entire married life--I have physical and emotional scars to prove it--and I will never wish to have a close relationship. But with therapy, the limits or boundaries that I learned to set for me and my family have held, and for about a year she seems to be respecting them. Now I can at least be in her presence without pain. You can do it too! Ironically, once my mother-in-law was completely neutralized a year ago, she all but stopped turning her BPD towards my husband, my children, and me. She still tortures my husband with hour-long calls about her pains & agonies, as well as cases of cancer in the area, but she doesn't punish with guilt anymore. I have read that BPs can age out of the illness, and possibly she has gotten better. It's more likely that she's turned the behavior towards another person. Sadly, I suspect it's my father-in-law, who has always denied that anything was wrong with her because he's so isolated that he wouldn't know any difference. It's not my problem though! I'm free! > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Down there is part of an article about anger . Seems interesting for me. What is anger? How can we express anger in a healthy way? Anger is a healthy emotion, an emotion that every person feels. So what is anger anyway? Anger as I said is an emotion, it is neither a wrong or a right feeling. Anger only becomes a problem for people when it is repressed or is associated with aggression which by the way is a behavioral problem. Unresolved anger can lead to serious physical and mental health problems, such as heart disease, stroke, depression and anxiety. So why do we get angry? Why do we need to get angry? First of all when we get angry, basically your trying to tell your self something is wrong. In other words anger is a second emotion alerting you that another emotion is in effect, fear, sadness, frustration. Anger is trying to keep us from harm, it is the response you produce that can help or hurt the real problem, the primary emotion. Understanding the reason why you are angry will help you to solve your anger in an appropriate and healthy manner. Where does anger come from? It comes from inside you; it is a natural response to dissatisfaction with something with in your environment. Anger can be brought on by a present situation or can build up over time. Letting anger build up or stew over time is called & #8220;suppressed anger. & #8221; People who normally suppress anger are often very destructive, meaning when something triggers the anger about a past event; the response is often over reacted, or aimed towards someone who originally had nothing to do with the past event. Suppressing anger can often lead to depression, violence, or obsession; That is why dealing with your anger in a healthy manner is so important, and also it will help us control our anger from being directed at the wrong people. Read more: http://socyberty.com/advice/let-it-out-healthy-anger/#ixzz187CKwnxT > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Down there is part of an article about anger . Seems interesting for me. What is anger? How can we express anger in a healthy way? Anger is a healthy emotion, an emotion that every person feels. So what is anger anyway? Anger as I said is an emotion, it is neither a wrong or a right feeling. Anger only becomes a problem for people when it is repressed or is associated with aggression which by the way is a behavioral problem. Unresolved anger can lead to serious physical and mental health problems, such as heart disease, stroke, depression and anxiety. So why do we get angry? Why do we need to get angry? First of all when we get angry, basically your trying to tell your self something is wrong. In other words anger is a second emotion alerting you that another emotion is in effect, fear, sadness, frustration. Anger is trying to keep us from harm, it is the response you produce that can help or hurt the real problem, the primary emotion. Understanding the reason why you are angry will help you to solve your anger in an appropriate and healthy manner. Where does anger come from? It comes from inside you; it is a natural response to dissatisfaction with something with in your environment. Anger can be brought on by a present situation or can build up over time. Letting anger build up or stew over time is called & #8220;suppressed anger. & #8221; People who normally suppress anger are often very destructive, meaning when something triggers the anger about a past event; the response is often over reacted, or aimed towards someone who originally had nothing to do with the past event. Suppressing anger can often lead to depression, violence, or obsession; That is why dealing with your anger in a healthy manner is so important, and also it will help us control our anger from being directed at the wrong people. Read more: http://socyberty.com/advice/let-it-out-healthy-anger/#ixzz187CKwnxT > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Down there is part of an article about anger . Seems interesting for me. What is anger? How can we express anger in a healthy way? Anger is a healthy emotion, an emotion that every person feels. So what is anger anyway? Anger as I said is an emotion, it is neither a wrong or a right feeling. Anger only becomes a problem for people when it is repressed or is associated with aggression which by the way is a behavioral problem. Unresolved anger can lead to serious physical and mental health problems, such as heart disease, stroke, depression and anxiety. So why do we get angry? Why do we need to get angry? First of all when we get angry, basically your trying to tell your self something is wrong. In other words anger is a second emotion alerting you that another emotion is in effect, fear, sadness, frustration. Anger is trying to keep us from harm, it is the response you produce that can help or hurt the real problem, the primary emotion. Understanding the reason why you are angry will help you to solve your anger in an appropriate and healthy manner. Where does anger come from? It comes from inside you; it is a natural response to dissatisfaction with something with in your environment. Anger can be brought on by a present situation or can build up over time. Letting anger build up or stew over time is called & #8220;suppressed anger. & #8221; People who normally suppress anger are often very destructive, meaning when something triggers the anger about a past event; the response is often over reacted, or aimed towards someone who originally had nothing to do with the past event. Suppressing anger can often lead to depression, violence, or obsession; That is why dealing with your anger in a healthy manner is so important, and also it will help us control our anger from being directed at the wrong people. Read more: http://socyberty.com/advice/let-it-out-healthy-anger/#ixzz187CKwnxT > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. AFB > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. AFB > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. AFB > > > > > > This well of anger is like a volcano bubbling up inside me, poisoning my life and everything I try to do. Sometimes it's so quiet I don't even know it's there and then it goes into those underground rivers that manifest as depression or anxiety... > > > > > > I just want to get OVER this! I so don't care anymore who my nada and fada are and why they do/did what they do/did. And are they just victims of their own illnesses or did they make choices to be so selfish, etc. Who f***ing cares???!!! > > > > > > I told my husband that I might just say no when fada tries to set up annual obligation trip for Christmas. He said, " Well, that might be a little rude. " I said, " I don't think you understand where I am on this. I REALLY DON'T CARE anymore. " He said, " That's understandable. Uh, how 'bout we watch a movie tonight or something. " Poor guy. He understands perfectly because his family is the same way. Brother asked us to visit at a cabin this summer - shared family vacation. Husband's new job - can only get a day or two off. We say, " What if we come down for the afternoon or something? " Brother grabs a calculator and says, " Okay, we'll just pro-rate your cost for a day. " Pro-rate the family visit? ha ha > > > > > > Anyway, I think part of the problem for me is that husband and I are in the same boat. It's nice to understand each other, but we have also doubled our trouble because we have twice the narcissistic/BPD/OCD family members now. It's hard to let go of things from the past because the past keeps getting repeated as the present. > > > > > > Help! I want to grow up! I want to do something better with my life than sit around and worry about these people. Is that the best answer - to do something constructive with the anger? Like make something better of my life just for spite, so-to-speak? What are you all doing with your anger? > > > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Yes, I agree that your anger evaporating away is a really good sign that you've done the right thing to maintain your boundary. That's awesome! The book " The Gift of Fear " gets mentioned here often; like in the situation with your neighbor, this book really delves into the whole issue of learning to pay attention to your instincts and feelings, and learning to trust them instead of brushing them off or stuffing them down as we were conditioned to do by our pd parents. Our mentally ill parents needed us to be pliable and biddable, so they set about training us to ignore our self-protective instincts and our sense of self-worth that says its OK to even think you have the right to defend yourself: that your feelings are valuable and you're worth protecting. -Annie > > Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " > > The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. > AFB > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? Because your insights are really something. The Gift of Fear was the book that finally got me to go NC. I was shaking with terror and afraid for my life to be with my family, and I had conveniently suppressed memories of being beaten, thrown down the basement stairs, and an attempted drowning when I was three years old. But a part of me remembered, and was creating emotional havoc. There I was in a therapist's office, snot bubbling out of my nose, tears flooding with fear, and she recommended I read that book. It taught me to take my feelings seriously, to honor that they were significant, and saying something important, and that's when I really started to admit that these people were not safe--that in the wrong moment, things could possibly blow out of hand, and I could wind up dead. It's hard to admit that about your own family, but it was true. The risk was too great--being around them was like playing in traffic. The Gift of Fear helped me figure it out. Annie, I think you better save this passage; " Our mentally ill parents needed us to be pliable and biddable, so they set about training us to ignore our self-protective instincts and our sense of self-worth that says its OK to even think you have the right to defend yourself: that your feelings are valuable and you're worth protecting. " It deserves not to be forgotten. AFB > > > > Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " > > > > The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. > > AFB > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? Because your insights are really something. The Gift of Fear was the book that finally got me to go NC. I was shaking with terror and afraid for my life to be with my family, and I had conveniently suppressed memories of being beaten, thrown down the basement stairs, and an attempted drowning when I was three years old. But a part of me remembered, and was creating emotional havoc. There I was in a therapist's office, snot bubbling out of my nose, tears flooding with fear, and she recommended I read that book. It taught me to take my feelings seriously, to honor that they were significant, and saying something important, and that's when I really started to admit that these people were not safe--that in the wrong moment, things could possibly blow out of hand, and I could wind up dead. It's hard to admit that about your own family, but it was true. The risk was too great--being around them was like playing in traffic. The Gift of Fear helped me figure it out. Annie, I think you better save this passage; " Our mentally ill parents needed us to be pliable and biddable, so they set about training us to ignore our self-protective instincts and our sense of self-worth that says its OK to even think you have the right to defend yourself: that your feelings are valuable and you're worth protecting. " It deserves not to be forgotten. AFB > > > > Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " > > > > The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. > > AFB > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 What a lovely compliment, afb! Thank you! And I'm glad you are now safe from your very toxic and dangerous foo, and that your natural instincts for self-protection are firmly in place and in working order! -Annie > > > > > > Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " > > > > > > The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. > > > AFB > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 What a lovely compliment, afb! Thank you! And I'm glad you are now safe from your very toxic and dangerous foo, and that your natural instincts for self-protection are firmly in place and in working order! -Annie > > > > > > Hi Annie: Here's a little more on what led up to dealing with my neighbor the way I did. Things escalated gradually from friendly hellos and a bit of a chat to a situation that I compare to being followed like the papparazzi! My anger flared up and told me something was wrong when I found myself unable to leave the house without this guy " conveniently " leaving his at the same time (he must have the hearing of a dog) and waylaying me for a chat. For a while there, I acted like a prisoner, getting angrier and angrier, and then I had to sit myself down and look at what was going on. I'd tried " giving him the hint: many, many times. Hints were not only NOT sinking in, but I realized this was a game to this guy. He was having FUN with my nice, " normie " behavior of trying to squirm away and be " nice. " > > > > > > The experience forced me to have a day of reckoning with my own " Bill of Rights " and realize that I couldn't live this way any longer. Dodging, hiding, squirming and all the rest was really me hurting myself and violating my own boundaries. I needed to push back in a figurative sense, as you point out, not rudely or by physically pushing him, but in a demonstrative way that he could hear and understand. I still help the guy find his cat when the dang thing gets out and lost, and I still help with neighbourly stuff, but I don't let him impose on me. My anger is gone, so this is how I know I did the right thing. > > > AFB > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Jaie, Several pearls of wisdom. I will refer back to this post and the others when I feel like I can't stand it again. Family does not have a magical pass to behave badly. This is a most excellent point. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Anger is a healthy emotion. Acting on anger can be unhealthy. > > I can choose family gatherings when I'm feeling strong and safe and I can NOT choose them when I'm not feeling strong and safe. > > Its hard to heal when your buttons are always being pushed. > Just because people are family does not give them this magical pass to trample us. Bad behavior is bad behavior and it matters not one bit if its a mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, spouse or children. > > Jaie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Jaie, Several pearls of wisdom. I will refer back to this post and the others when I feel like I can't stand it again. Family does not have a magical pass to behave badly. This is a most excellent point. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Anger is a healthy emotion. Acting on anger can be unhealthy. > > I can choose family gatherings when I'm feeling strong and safe and I can NOT choose them when I'm not feeling strong and safe. > > Its hard to heal when your buttons are always being pushed. > Just because people are family does not give them this magical pass to trample us. Bad behavior is bad behavior and it matters not one bit if its a mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, spouse or children. > > Jaie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear AFB, I see what you mean about anger being a signal or warning. I will look into these boundary issues directly. Also appreciated your concrete example with the neighbor. Currently, I have reduced phone contact to almost nothing and have no desire to see or talk to any of these people. I am thinking this anger is definitely a signal for me to realize that their abusive behavior is serious. I have always minimized and rationalized their behavior - past and present. I am also planning to start counseling. I just have the feeling I'm not going to be able to work through all of this myself. Plus, it seems there is a therapeutic effect of sharing with someone and building trust that I cannot recreate alone. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Hi CMD, In my experience anger is the flashing red warning sign that something is wrong and has to change. It sounds like you need more space from family offenders and Christmas is famous as a time when those who create emotional havoc " go to town. " Your husband's comment, " That might be a little rude, " might show he's playing by " normie " rules and really not up to speed on the tools of protection necessary to handle BPs. A vigorous defense of boundaries often necessitates " seeming " rudeness with a BP family. I say " seeming " because like children, some family members are sensitive to the smallest mention of correction. > > Your anger may be trying to signal that some of your methods are not working. So I would offer the following questions to self-analysis: Does your approach need an adjustment to protect your boundaries? Are you expending a lot of mental energy and emotion around boundaries? Which ones? Write it out, pinpoint it. Who is not " getting " your boundary message and around what issue? Does the phone have to be limited? Personal contact? Do you need to spell out the boundaries more emphatically with clear, direct examples instead of leaving things in generalities? > > > In other words, I got very specific about where the hole was in my boundary, and I came up with a custom-made reponse so the PD person could clearly " get " what I meant. Maybe applying a bit of this same approach might answer what your anger is trying to tell you. > > Sincerely, > AFB > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear AFB, I see what you mean about anger being a signal or warning. I will look into these boundary issues directly. Also appreciated your concrete example with the neighbor. Currently, I have reduced phone contact to almost nothing and have no desire to see or talk to any of these people. I am thinking this anger is definitely a signal for me to realize that their abusive behavior is serious. I have always minimized and rationalized their behavior - past and present. I am also planning to start counseling. I just have the feeling I'm not going to be able to work through all of this myself. Plus, it seems there is a therapeutic effect of sharing with someone and building trust that I cannot recreate alone. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Hi CMD, In my experience anger is the flashing red warning sign that something is wrong and has to change. It sounds like you need more space from family offenders and Christmas is famous as a time when those who create emotional havoc " go to town. " Your husband's comment, " That might be a little rude, " might show he's playing by " normie " rules and really not up to speed on the tools of protection necessary to handle BPs. A vigorous defense of boundaries often necessitates " seeming " rudeness with a BP family. I say " seeming " because like children, some family members are sensitive to the smallest mention of correction. > > Your anger may be trying to signal that some of your methods are not working. So I would offer the following questions to self-analysis: Does your approach need an adjustment to protect your boundaries? Are you expending a lot of mental energy and emotion around boundaries? Which ones? Write it out, pinpoint it. Who is not " getting " your boundary message and around what issue? Does the phone have to be limited? Personal contact? Do you need to spell out the boundaries more emphatically with clear, direct examples instead of leaving things in generalities? > > > In other words, I got very specific about where the hole was in my boundary, and I came up with a custom-made reponse so the PD person could clearly " get " what I meant. Maybe applying a bit of this same approach might answer what your anger is trying to tell you. > > Sincerely, > AFB > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear Doug, Sincere thanks. I am working on building a small library of personally useful resources on boundaries, especially from a Christian perspective. Cloud and Townsend have done a terrific job of offering help on counseling topics and countering some of the damaging side effects of " rules taught by man " that are prevalent in church society. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Yes, CMD, > > You can check out Cloud Townsend resource page, for many of them. > cloudtownsend.com. > > I think very highly of Safe People. I facilitated some groups for folks > with various emotional issues to deal with, in a sequence that began > with Safe People, then progressed to How People Grow. Both are available > as books and have workbooks for use with small groups, or alone. They > also have some audio of talks given by Dr s C or T on subjects in these > books. > > Another CT resource I have read and recommend, now all KOs, please be > seated and return your seat back trays to the full and upright position > before you read this title:....everyone ready? > > It s Not My Fault. > > As you might expect, it will give you some great insights into Nada, as > well as helping with fleas you might be dealing with. > > Bounderies, of course is excellent. > > Also, Changes that Heal. > > If you read all those and want more, hit me on here or use my email, I > don t hide it on here and am always happy to respond to a brother or > sister KO and help them heal. > > Doug > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear Doug, Sincere thanks. I am working on building a small library of personally useful resources on boundaries, especially from a Christian perspective. Cloud and Townsend have done a terrific job of offering help on counseling topics and countering some of the damaging side effects of " rules taught by man " that are prevalent in church society. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Yes, CMD, > > You can check out Cloud Townsend resource page, for many of them. > cloudtownsend.com. > > I think very highly of Safe People. I facilitated some groups for folks > with various emotional issues to deal with, in a sequence that began > with Safe People, then progressed to How People Grow. Both are available > as books and have workbooks for use with small groups, or alone. They > also have some audio of talks given by Dr s C or T on subjects in these > books. > > Another CT resource I have read and recommend, now all KOs, please be > seated and return your seat back trays to the full and upright position > before you read this title:....everyone ready? > > It s Not My Fault. > > As you might expect, it will give you some great insights into Nada, as > well as helping with fleas you might be dealing with. > > Bounderies, of course is excellent. > > Also, Changes that Heal. > > If you read all those and want more, hit me on here or use my email, I > don t hide it on here and am always happy to respond to a brother or > sister KO and help them heal. > > Doug > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear Doug, Sincere thanks. I am working on building a small library of personally useful resources on boundaries, especially from a Christian perspective. Cloud and Townsend have done a terrific job of offering help on counseling topics and countering some of the damaging side effects of " rules taught by man " that are prevalent in church society. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Yes, CMD, > > You can check out Cloud Townsend resource page, for many of them. > cloudtownsend.com. > > I think very highly of Safe People. I facilitated some groups for folks > with various emotional issues to deal with, in a sequence that began > with Safe People, then progressed to How People Grow. Both are available > as books and have workbooks for use with small groups, or alone. They > also have some audio of talks given by Dr s C or T on subjects in these > books. > > Another CT resource I have read and recommend, now all KOs, please be > seated and return your seat back trays to the full and upright position > before you read this title:....everyone ready? > > It s Not My Fault. > > As you might expect, it will give you some great insights into Nada, as > well as helping with fleas you might be dealing with. > > Bounderies, of course is excellent. > > Also, Changes that Heal. > > If you read all those and want more, hit me on here or use my email, I > don t hide it on here and am always happy to respond to a brother or > sister KO and help them heal. > > Doug > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to hear about someone who found ways to overcome the trauma and make healthy boundaries, especially since you still spend some time around her. This is particularly relevant for me because my nada is so high-functioning that I am unlikely to cut contact. I have heard about EMDR. It is amazing how it works because it really taps into a more physiological aspect of brain functioning. +Coal Miner's Daughter > She said what I was feeling was really anger and only by letting go of the anger could I get better. She convinced me that I could not change my mother-in-law, so obsessing over confrontation was fruitless. She taught me about limits and protecting myself. Most importantly, she offered me treatment in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It is a trauma resolution technique often used to treat soldiers with PTSD. She said sometimes it takes a series of 3+ sessions, but I felt healed after 1! It really worked. > > > > I will never forget what she did to me for my entire married life--I have physical and emotional scars to prove it--and I will never wish to have a close relationship. But with therapy, the limits or boundaries that I learned to set for me and my family have held, and for about a year she seems to be respecting them. Now I can at least be in her presence without pain. You can do it too! > > It's not my problem though! I'm free! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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