Re: Stuck and Tired - Dealing with Elderly Nada

[Guest guest]

((((((Tag)))))) What you went through and are going through is truly awful. I

know it is all too easy to look at another person's situation and say " just

do.... " but I'm gonna say it - dump it all on your sister. She's the " all

good " and after six long years of your sacrifice it is so clearly her turn.

You are not abandoning your 88 year old mother to homelessness and ravening

wolves - she has other family. I frequently post here on how tormented I am

being an " all good " (quite tarnished by now though) and only child trying to

preserve shreds of my relationship with my mother, but even in my case if she

spoke to me like it'd be game over. It is such a good good thing that you told

her to shut up...that was something she needed to hear and you needed to say.

You matter. That you had cancer matters. Your life and well-being is no less

important than hers...ever.

Take care,

>

> Hi All - I just re-joined after a few years away. I'm here seeking a little

comfort and understanding because my BP mother has recently ripped my heart out

again. I received so much help several years ago, even given the incredible

grief that came with the realization that my Nada was BPD. I know all of you

have lived through the shock and sadness after you see your story being told by

others and you realize the nearly never-ending pain that has been inflicted.

Still –knowledge was power for me and I was able to go for several years dealing

and coping fairly well with my elderly BPD Nada. Until a week ago.

>

> Everyone says they'll be brief when they begin one of these tales of woe on

this site, and I will start by saying the same thing and I will really try. My

Nada is 88 and in fairly good health with only recent changes that I would call

signs of minor dementia. I am the primary caregiver for her, taking her to

doctors, handling her checkbook, paying a few bills, hiring grass cutting and

dropping everything at a moment's notice when there is an emergency (which is

becoming more frequent). Over the years, I have been repeatedly accused of

stealing things and have been pitted against my older sister who is the " all

good " daughter. I had reached a place where I thought I could continue to help

my mother and was feeling like the promise I made to myself to see her through

to the end was going to be fulfilled. So, a week ago I stopped by the pharmacy

and picked up her refills, stopped by the vitamin store for some doctor

prescribed supplements and bought her some groceries. The total for these items

was $200. I delivered the items to her and she commented that she did not have

cash to pay me. I told her we could write a check to reimburse me. I saw her

look sideways at me and she threw her head back and smiled heartily. She said –

" Oh I have no doubt you'll write yourself a check – you're the only one I get

that from, " implying that my sister and her grown children don't ask for

reimbursement when they pick things up. I was stopped dead in my tracks by the

comment and just stood there looking at her for a minute. I then asked her if

it was really true that my sister was buying her medications, etc. My Nada

said that my sister buys her things " all the time " and never asks for money and

Nada giggled as she said that she thought it was funny that she is " able to get

over " on people.

>

> The fact is - I have spent all my vacation time every year for the past 6

years taking off work to take her to doctors, dentists, banks, etc. Usually by

August, I go into unpaid leave every time I take a day off, meaning my paycheck

is docked. I was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago and went through

surgery and radiation without saying a word to her about it. The last time I

had a vacation was 13 years ago just before my father died. Since then, my life

has been about taking care of Nada all the while being berated, lied about,

raged at and abused. So on that particular Sunday a week ago, her comment went

right through me like a knife. I know I can't expect her to have compassion for

my breast cancer experience if I didn't tell her about it, but I just felt

completely pitiful standing there in her kitchen. I should have kept my mouth

shut, written myself a check and left, but I was so stunned I started to cry.

Which made me sad and mad at the same time – I'm a 48 year old woman and I was

reduced to tears standing in the house I grew up and was tortured in by this

little old woman who was standing in front of me. I thought to myself – " it's

still not over and it's never going to be over until I'm dead. " I seriously

feel like the stress she has caused me is killing me and will cause me to have a

recurrence of cancer. It would not surprise me that at age 48 with her at age

88 if she was the one going to MY funeral. That is terrible to say on so many

levels, but it's seriously the way I feel.

>

> Anyway, as most of you know, tears to a Borderline are like blood in the water

to a shark. I could not leave well enough alone and I couldern't stop crying

and I told her that her comment had really hurt my feelings. And that's when

the rage began. My mother said that I was only there for her money and that

nothing I ever did for her was " for her " she said I was just doing it for me.

She said the reason she had a heart problem several years ago was because I had

no heart and that I had killed her by being such a rotten person. When I said I

was trying to do the best I could for her, she laughed in my face. And so, I

couldn't take it anymore and I told her to stop talking. I repeated " stop

talking " several times, and then I finally just told her to Shut Up. And I said

it loud – I was in that weird vacuum with her and even I was surprised at the

booming sound that came out of my mouth. And then somehow I walked out, slammed

the kitchen door and got in my car and drove towards home. I had to leave

work the next day because I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry. And I

continued to cry a river for days.

>

> I'm here on this site today because I'm still in shock. I have appointments

set up for Nada, bills to be paid, details of an insurance claim to work out.

From my sister – complete silence since this happened. So – here I am again

wondering what to do. I'm so tired, I don't have the energy to try anymore.

And if people in my family think that it is terrible to abandon an 88 year old

woman, I'm not sure I give a damn anymore. I'm sorry to ramble, but I am

disappointed, angry, sad and STUCK on the unfairness of it. Just STUCK. Thanks

for listneing.

>

> Tag

>

[Guest guest]

I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what you've been

going through. This is horrendous!

I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in Jersey

while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing to do with you

and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and take care of me' trump

card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then she will get

it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when they don't have

much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how they react. MUCH

different story!

Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me. Sorry but

if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the burden for you

all these years and not let it all fall on you.

Hope this helps.

[Guest guest]

I agree with the others: its your sister's turn at bat. Easier said than done,

I know.

My nada in a subtle way would pit my Sister and me against each other during our

growing-up years; I believe it was a way of getting us to compete for nada's

favor.

Since our dad died, Sister has been living fairly close to our nada because she

wanted to act as nada's part-time caregiver. Yet instead of praise and

gratitude Sister was getting lots of emotional abuse from nada. Now that I

have gone virtually No Contact with nada... surprise, surprise: nada is being

much nicer to Sister.

I suppose it is a form of emotional blackmail, but, so be it. I was feeling so

badly for Sister, she was trying so hard to please our nada but the disrespect

and carping criticism and whining (that Sister was never there *enough*) was

making Sister become alarmingly depressed.

Sister finally went to see a therapist, who basically absolved Sister of the

misplaced and inappropriate guilt feelings laid on Sister by nada. Sister was

able to become emotionally detached enough to not take nada's abuse personally

any more, and was able to back way, way, way off on how much time she spent with

nada. Its now once a month ( or less) instead of several times a week.

So, in our case, setting up firm boundaries with our nada and becoming

emotionally detached has helped my Sister a lot. And I truly think that my

going virtually NO Contact with nada has played its part too. Our nada isn't

stupid, and realizes that if she has only one adult child left who is willing to

spend any time with her and speak to her, she'd better remain on her best

behavior.

I hope you can find something, some arrangement or something that will work for

you. What you are describing sounds like a living death to me, and we only have

one life (at least, that's my philosophy). Its your right to have a joyful,

independent adult life, not sacrifice your physical and emotional health to a

toxic parent.

If your mother was mentally healthy, that is what she would want for you: a

happy, healthy, independent, joyful adult life.

-Annie

>

> I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what you've

been going through. This is horrendous!

>

> I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in Jersey

while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing to do with you

and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and take care of me' trump

card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

>

> Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then she will

get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when they don't

have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how they react.

MUCH different story!

> Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

>

> YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me. Sorry

but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the burden for

you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

>

> Hope this helps.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Tag!! I remember you.

I'm sorry. I can hear my nada doing exactly that! I wouldn't even dump it on

sister. I'd just dump it. take care of YOU, put your oxygen mask on first.

Nada can hire some help or go live in a facility or drop dead - you just

can't afford to care.

XOXO Girlscout

On Tue, Dec 14, 2010 at 8:12 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> I agree with the others: its your sister's turn at bat. Easier said than

> done, I know.

>

> My nada in a subtle way would pit my Sister and me against each other

> during our growing-up years; I believe it was a way of getting us to compete

> for nada's favor.

>

> Since our dad died, Sister has been living fairly close to our nada because

> she wanted to act as nada's part-time caregiver. Yet instead of praise and

> gratitude Sister was getting lots of emotional abuse from nada. Now that I

> have gone virtually No Contact with nada... surprise, surprise: nada is

> being much nicer to Sister.

>

> I suppose it is a form of emotional blackmail, but, so be it. I was feeling

> so badly for Sister, she was trying so hard to please our nada but the

> disrespect and carping criticism and whining (that Sister was never there

> *enough*) was making Sister become alarmingly depressed.

>

> Sister finally went to see a therapist, who basically absolved Sister of

> the misplaced and inappropriate guilt feelings laid on Sister by nada.

> Sister was able to become emotionally detached enough to not take nada's

> abuse personally any more, and was able to back way, way, way off on how

> much time she spent with nada. Its now once a month ( or less) instead of

> several times a week.

>

> So, in our case, setting up firm boundaries with our nada and becoming

> emotionally detached has helped my Sister a lot. And I truly think that my

> going virtually NO Contact with nada has played its part too. Our nada isn't

> stupid, and realizes that if she has only one adult child left who is

> willing to spend any time with her and speak to her, she'd better remain on

> her best behavior.

>

> I hope you can find something, some arrangement or something that will work

> for you. What you are describing sounds like a living death to me, and we

> only have one life (at least, that's my philosophy). Its your right to have

> a joyful, independent adult life, not sacrifice your physical and emotional

> health to a toxic parent.

>

> If your mother was mentally healthy, that is what she would want for you: a

> happy, healthy, independent, joyful adult life.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> >

> > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing to

> do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and take

> care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> >

> > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then she

> will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when they

> don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how they

> react. MUCH different story!

> > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> >

> > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me. Sorry

> but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the burden

> for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> >

> > Hope this helps.

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Dear Tag,

((((Hugs))))

I totally, completely, and 100% get what you are going through. I am going

through the same thing myself only it isn't BPD. What it is, is my 88 year old

frail and somewhat confused great aunt, and her handicapped mentally retarded

daughter, 57. These things can totally, totally consume your life. I help

these two dodder into the bank and people say, " God will reward you for what

you're doing, " but I truly wonder. It certainly doesn't feel like it.

I began to get that I was really, really hating my life, and that since Cousin

is 57, this could literally go on for decades, and I realized I had to do

something. Two years of this, with the bedlam of them shrieking at each other,

yelling at me, getting into fights, the police being called, and Cousin spending

5 weeks in the mental ward because assisted living threw her out and the mental

ward couldn't find a single nursing home willing to take her, had and has me

really, really depressed.

I happened to see a sign at the Y about a free seminar on family caregiving. I

went, and there actually are so many free or low cost services around here for

seniors it's mind-boggling. I couldn't sort it all out myself so I went to

social services and was told to fill out Medicaid applications for both of them.

Social Services will put them through the computer and see what they qualify

for. Apparently in this state if seniors are old enough there are things they

qualify for even if they have too much money for Medicaid. So I am working on

the paperwork now.

Please, please, please, please, if Sister won't take over some of this crap, hie

thyself to Social Services and see what can be done. You have too many worries

with your own health and have gone wayyy above and beyond the call of duty with

a parent who is this abusive and nasty.

Please keep in touch and let us know how this all turns out. I feel for you, I

truly do.

--Also There In VA

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

Tag

You wrote

My mother said that I was only there for her money and that nothing I

ever did for her was " for her " she said I was just doing it for me. She

said the reason she had a heart problem several years ago was because I

had no heart and that I had killed her by being such a rotten person.

When I said I was trying to do the best I could for her, she laughed in

my face. And so, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her to stop

talking. I repeated " stop talking " several times, and then I finally

just told her to Shut Up. And I said it loud – I was in that weird

vacuum with her and even I was surprised at the booming sound that came

out of my mouth. And then somehow I walked out, slammed the kitchen

door and got in my car and drove towards home. I had to leave work

the next day because I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry.

My nada did that sort of thing to me for years. She pushed different

buttons, but would continue despite my pleas to stop. She would

continue until I was raging at her to shut up SHUT UP BITCH!! I d be

out of control.

Then, at once, she was the weeping victim. We played this game many

times, until I realized I could never win it. So I told her from now on,

the moment she started, I would leave, or hang up and walk away. I had

to enforce that boundery many times, and she never accepted it, but

finally, grudgingly at least recognized it.

Such typical nada behavior. She is unlikely to change. So you have a

choice. You can stay, and take the abuse, and give and give, and be

rewarded by being told it is inadequate and poor quality. You can be

assured of trouble from your sister, Golden child after Nada s death

about who owns what, who gets what, if indeed their is anything left

after her debt. Often , there is not with a BP.

You can see a lawyer and go to court and try to be appointed as power of

attorney for her affairs, in light of her dementia. This will give you

some protection, but not assure you of no problems when she dies.

Or:

You can walk away. You can determine that since your efforts are

unappreciated, inadequate, and tossed back in your face, you are done.

The choice is yours. But I think you can never begin to heal while you

are subject to that.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Tag

You wrote

My mother said that I was only there for her money and that nothing I

ever did for her was " for her " she said I was just doing it for me. She

said the reason she had a heart problem several years ago was because I

had no heart and that I had killed her by being such a rotten person.

When I said I was trying to do the best I could for her, she laughed in

my face. And so, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her to stop

talking. I repeated " stop talking " several times, and then I finally

just told her to Shut Up. And I said it loud – I was in that weird

vacuum with her and even I was surprised at the booming sound that came

out of my mouth. And then somehow I walked out, slammed the kitchen

door and got in my car and drove towards home. I had to leave work

the next day because I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry.

My nada did that sort of thing to me for years. She pushed different

buttons, but would continue despite my pleas to stop. She would

continue until I was raging at her to shut up SHUT UP BITCH!! I d be

out of control.

Then, at once, she was the weeping victim. We played this game many

times, until I realized I could never win it. So I told her from now on,

the moment she started, I would leave, or hang up and walk away. I had

to enforce that boundery many times, and she never accepted it, but

finally, grudgingly at least recognized it.

Such typical nada behavior. She is unlikely to change. So you have a

choice. You can stay, and take the abuse, and give and give, and be

rewarded by being told it is inadequate and poor quality. You can be

assured of trouble from your sister, Golden child after Nada s death

about who owns what, who gets what, if indeed their is anything left

after her debt. Often , there is not with a BP.

You can see a lawyer and go to court and try to be appointed as power of

attorney for her affairs, in light of her dementia. This will give you

some protection, but not assure you of no problems when she dies.

Or:

You can walk away. You can determine that since your efforts are

unappreciated, inadequate, and tossed back in your face, you are done.

The choice is yours. But I think you can never begin to heal while you

are subject to that.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Dear Doug - thank you, thank you for your thoughts. I know what the right

answer is for me, but it's so hard to walk away when I feel like I'm protecting

her from some predatory events that have already started to take place. I feel

like I can only say this here and that you will understand and believe me...I

don't want my sister and her children to go into the house and start picking

things for themselves. It's not that I want material items from my Nada, what I

have always wanted from her (love, respect, compassion) was not something that I

was ever going to get at the reading of a will, BUT that house contains the

archeological history of my life too and I have already seen things starting to

disappear, including some cherished items that belonged to my Dad (none of them

very valuable, just sentimental). That's part of why I reacted so strongly to

Nada saying I was just there for her money because my sense is that that's

exactly why my sister is there. My sister has taken my Mom to her attorney

several times for will changes - I have stayed out of it completely. Yet -

whenever something goes missing - I'm always the first one on the list. My

sister and I share joint POA.

I am a reasonable and calm person and I feel like an idiot after one of these

episodes because I become totally unglued. And - it's even worse because now

Nada is 88, but she's still such a powerful force to be dealt with. No one

would believe the rages that I have witnessed and the absolutely meltdowns into

insanity where I'm left standing there trying to decide what to do. As you know

- it's a lonely feeling. So - I'm going to do my best to protect myself and

carry on. I have a nurse caretaker who is now able to take my Nada to a lot of

her appointments and I'm going to try to be super LC. I haven't called her since

that terrible Sunday.

Thank you again and thanks to everyone out there for listening. Geez - this is

hard.

Tag

>

> Tag

>

> You wrote

>

> My mother said that I was only there for her money and that nothing I

> ever did for her was " for her " she said I was just doing it for me. She

> said the reason she had a heart problem several years ago was because I

> had no heart and that I had killed her by being such a rotten person.

> When I said I was trying to do the best I could for her, she laughed in

> my face. And so, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her to stop

> talking. I repeated " stop talking " several times, and then I finally

> just told her to Shut Up. And I said it loud – I was in that weird

> vacuum with her and even I was surprised at the booming sound that came

> out of my mouth. And then somehow I walked out, slammed the kitchen

> door and got in my car and drove towards home. I had to leave work

> the next day because I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry.

>

> My nada did that sort of thing to me for years. She pushed different

> buttons, but would continue despite my pleas to stop. She would

> continue until I was raging at her to shut up SHUT UP BITCH!! I d be

> out of control.

>

> Then, at once, she was the weeping victim. We played this game many

> times, until I realized I could never win it. So I told her from now on,

> the moment she started, I would leave, or hang up and walk away. I had

> to enforce that boundery many times, and she never accepted it, but

> finally, grudgingly at least recognized it.

>

> Such typical nada behavior. She is unlikely to change. So you have a

> choice. You can stay, and take the abuse, and give and give, and be

> rewarded by being told it is inadequate and poor quality. You can be

> assured of trouble from your sister, Golden child after Nada s death

> about who owns what, who gets what, if indeed their is anything left

> after her debt. Often , there is not with a BP.

>

> You can see a lawyer and go to court and try to be appointed as power of

> attorney for her affairs, in light of her dementia. This will give you

> some protection, but not assure you of no problems when she dies.

>

> Or:

>

> You can walk away. You can determine that since your efforts are

> unappreciated, inadequate, and tossed back in your face, you are done.

>

> The choice is yours. But I think you can never begin to heal while you

> are subject to that.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

That particular form of insult is what made me go No Contact. Nada badgered me

for years to take a financial gift from her when I didn't need it, but I finally

accepted it because at that point I was trying to make a go of my own business

and I did need it, and when I did gratefully accept the money nada told Sister

that " You kids only come see me when you want something from me (meaning

money). " That made it clear to me that my mother actually enjoys shaming me and

that deep down she disrespects me and even despises me. She likes feeling

superior to me and making me indebted to her. I am working toward giving her

every penny back, and I've requested to be left out of her will. Her " gifts "

are really fish hooks with deadly barbs hidden inside.

-Annie

>

> Tag

>

> You wrote

>

> My mother said that I was only there for her money and that nothing I

> ever did for her was " for her " she said I was just doing it for me. She

> said the reason she had a heart problem several years ago was because I

> had no heart and that I had killed her by being such a rotten person.

> When I said I was trying to do the best I could for her, she laughed in

> my face. And so, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her to stop

> talking. I repeated " stop talking " several times, and then I finally

> just told her to Shut Up. And I said it loud – I was in that weird

> vacuum with her and even I was surprised at the booming sound that came

> out of my mouth. And then somehow I walked out, slammed the kitchen

> door and got in my car and drove towards home. I had to leave work

> the next day because I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry.

>

> My nada did that sort of thing to me for years. She pushed different

> buttons, but would continue despite my pleas to stop. She would

> continue until I was raging at her to shut up SHUT UP BITCH!! I d be

> out of control.

>

> Then, at once, she was the weeping victim. We played this game many

> times, until I realized I could never win it. So I told her from now on,

> the moment she started, I would leave, or hang up and walk away. I had

> to enforce that boundery many times, and she never accepted it, but

> finally, grudgingly at least recognized it.

>

> Such typical nada behavior. She is unlikely to change. So you have a

> choice. You can stay, and take the abuse, and give and give, and be

> rewarded by being told it is inadequate and poor quality. You can be

> assured of trouble from your sister, Golden child after Nada s death

> about who owns what, who gets what, if indeed their is anything left

> after her debt. Often , there is not with a BP.

>

> You can see a lawyer and go to court and try to be appointed as power of

> attorney for her affairs, in light of her dementia. This will give you

> some protection, but not assure you of no problems when she dies.

>

> Or:

>

> You can walk away. You can determine that since your efforts are

> unappreciated, inadequate, and tossed back in your face, you are done.

>

> The choice is yours. But I think you can never begin to heal while you

> are subject to that.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

I remember you too! What the hell are we still doing here? Only partially

kidding - does it ever end for us??? What a sad legacy.

> > >

> > > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> > you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> > >

> > > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> > Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing to

> > do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and take

> > care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> > >

> > > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then she

> > will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when they

> > don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how they

> > react. MUCH different story!

> > > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> > >

> > > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me. Sorry

> > but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the burden

> > for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> > >

> > > Hope this helps.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I remember you too! What the hell are we still doing here? Only partially

kidding - does it ever end for us??? What a sad legacy.

> > >

> > > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> > you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> > >

> > > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> > Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing to

> > do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and take

> > care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> > >

> > > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then she

> > will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when they

> > don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how they

> > react. MUCH different story!

> > > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> > >

> > > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me. Sorry

> > but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the burden

> > for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> > >

> > > Hope this helps.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

hey tag,

On the topic of family heirlooms - I had that problem too. But I discovered

that as long as my nada controlled any material item she would use it to

control me. Of particular sentimental value was my great great grandmother

who I was named after's piano. I was promised this from about age 3 and I

learned to play on it.

But, when I went NC I realized I had to let go of all of that stuff. Every

item, every friend in common, every extended family member etc. Anyone or

anything she could use to get at me had to go.

To be honest, the decision was so clear to me that I barely even considered

the losses. NC all the way!!!

XOXO girlscout

>

>

> I remember you too! What the hell are we still doing here? Only partially

> kidding - does it ever end for us??? What a sad legacy.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> > > you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> > > >

> > > > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> > > Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing

> to

> > > do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and

> take

> > > care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> > > >

> > > > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then

> she

> > > will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when

> they

> > > don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how

> they

> > > react. MUCH different story!

> > > > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> > > >

> > > > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me.

> Sorry

> > > but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the

> burden

> > > for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> > > >

> > > > Hope this helps.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Such good advice! I am working hard to not think of any of the " stuff " that

Nada controls. This is one of the keys to being free from this - I know it.

Thank you for the boost.

> > > > >

> > > > > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> > > > you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> > > > >

> > > > > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> > > > Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing

> > to

> > > > do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and

> > take

> > > > care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> > > > >

> > > > > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then

> > she

> > > > will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when

> > they

> > > > don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how

> > they

> > > > react. MUCH different story!

> > > > > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> > > > >

> > > > > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me.

> > Sorry

> > > > but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the

> > burden

> > > > for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> > > > >

> > > > > Hope this helps.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

Same here, Girlscout......I had to let go of my desire for family

heirlooms..........it was very painful, but I realized I was trading away taking

care of my self, for the chance that I might be able to get one or more family

momentos.

~ Alastriona ~ 

>

>

> I remember you too! What the hell are we still doing here? Only partially

> kidding - does it ever end for us??? What a sad legacy.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> > > you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> > > >

> > > > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> > > Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing

> to

> > > do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and

> take

> > > care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> > > >

> > > > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then

> she

> > > will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when

> they

> > > don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how

> they

> > > react. MUCH different story!

> > > > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> > > >

> > > > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me.

> Sorry

> > > but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the

> burden

> > > for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> > > >

> > > > Hope this helps.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Same here, Girlscout......I had to let go of my desire for family

heirlooms..........it was very painful, but I realized I was trading away taking

care of my self, for the chance that I might be able to get one or more family

momentos.

~ Alastriona ~ 

>

>

> I remember you too! What the hell are we still doing here? Only partially

> kidding - does it ever end for us??? What a sad legacy.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I agree! Dump it all on your sister and see how SHE deals with what

> > > you've been going through. This is horrendous!

> > > >

> > > > I have an almost 90 year old nada and thank GOD she is all the way in

> > > Jersey while I am in Maine and so far hasn't pulled the 'I want nothing

> to

> > > do with you and will disinherit you if you don't move down here and

> take

> > > care of me' trump card which is the ONLY card she has left to play.

> > > >

> > > > Tell your sister it's HER turn and see how SHE copes with it. Then

> she

> > > will get it and only then. People can be sweet as pie and loving when

> they

> > > don't have much to deal with but put them in the trenches and see how

> they

> > > react. MUCH different story!

> > > > Your nada will also see a side of your sister she never saw before.

> > > >

> > > > YOU are the good one. Your sister is the selfish one if you ask me.

> Sorry

> > > but if she were caring she would have automatically taken some of the

> burden

> > > for you all these years and not let it all fall on you.

> > > >

> > > > Hope this helps.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I, for one, am glad you are still here. Perhaps you are not only working

through higher levels of struggles on the BPD front, but also giving back to

others by helping and supporting us newbies. That is what is so unique about

this forum, perhaps precisely because we are KOs, that people would take time to

help others even when you are so much further along. Also, Girlscout might be

able to apply some things from here in the new counseling direction. p.s. How

are apps going?

+Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > Tag!! I remember you.

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi, Tag!

I've been peeking in a lot lately, too, after a long time away. Sometimes it's

really helpful to come back for a visit and remember that there are others out

there who understand. Nice to see you again.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. It's sad that our parents

can't emotionally support us when times are hard. I imagine you must really

have craved a loving mother during your cancer treatment. I am glad you made a

recovery, and share your hope that you will be able to preserve your good

health.

It sounds like you have really been pouring a lot of yourself into your foo, and

that you already know you need to step back. To me, it seems very unhealthy for

you to be involving yourself so heavily in your mother's affairs. I think

setting some firm and clear boundaries will help you. For instance, I think it

is reasonable that you expect your mother to pay for her own medicine. If you

choose to fill prescriptions for her, you might consider refusing to pay from

your own accounts, and insisting that she give you cash or credit card or check

up front. Or, determine ahead of time how many days you are willing to take off

work in order to tend to her medical care, and then do not exceed that. It does

not seem healthy for you to be spending all of your vacation--which you need for

your own refreshment and spirit--on your mother, or for her to expect you to do

so at your expense.

Do you already have an established relationship with a therapist? It sounds

like you might benefit greatly from at least a " check-up " session or two, to

help you make sense of what's best for you. It seems like some of her behavior

is really getting inside your head, and that you are believing her messages to

you. I heard you say you feel like " an idiot " because you are feeling

overwhelmed. You make statements that sound like you feel you should be over

this and have it figured out, that you are too old to still be feeling like a

child. These feelings are understandable, and also worth challenging. Is it

true that

I understand what you said and what Doug wrote about the nada who just pushes

and pushes those buttons. I remember the light bulb going off that my mother

did it (subconsciously) ON PURPOSE. She really wanted me to snap at her, so

that when she cried it could be because I am such a mean and ungrateful

daughter, and not because she feels empty and worthless inside. She knows where

the button is, and she will continue pushing it until she gets what she wants

from you. The trick is to recognize that and decide that it isn't going to work

anymore. Now, I refuse to participate in that game.

I liked your comment that " tears to a Borderline are like blood in the water to

a shark. " We know it is dangerous to expose our vulnerability to them. I hope

you will decide not to be too hard on yourself about having a meltdown in front

of her. Nobody is perfect at this. With all the pressure you are under, it was

probably inevitable--in fact, you can congratulate yourself that you made it

this long!

It is okay not to be perfect. It is okay to have feelings. It is okay to have

your own needs. It is okay to take care of yourself first. It is okay to

expect other adults to find a way to take care of themselves. It is okay to ask

for help. It is okay to say " no. "

You are right that your situation is unfair. It has always been unfair, and it

will always be unfair. It is not in your power to be able to change that. But

you still have the power to choose what you will do about it and how much abuse

you are willing to take.

All the best,

KT

[Guest guest]

<I liked your comment that " tears to a Borderline are like blood in the water to

a shark. " >

Wow, that is really insightful. The lightbulb about my mom (still getting used

to the nada thing) and BPD went off about 2 months ago, and I'm reading reading

reading and learning so much about myself and her and what this did to our

family.

I don't know what to say on message boards but am so grateful to read what

others write because most of it rings true with my experience. Thank you!

[Guest guest]

<I liked your comment that " tears to a Borderline are like blood in the water to

a shark. " >

Wow, that is really insightful. The lightbulb about my mom (still getting used

to the nada thing) and BPD went off about 2 months ago, and I'm reading reading

reading and learning so much about myself and her and what this did to our

family.

I don't know what to say on message boards but am so grateful to read what

others write because most of it rings true with my experience. Thank you!