Re: & Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

Wow! I'm part of a thread title now. That triggered me too. Just kidding. ha

ha

This discussion has started me thinking about my " blame worthiness, " as you put

it. It's amazing how I can be at fault in my foo. It's like an earthquake

could occur in California and it would somehow be my fault.

I just got done making a call to nada to tell her my older son would not be

going to church tomorrow. I made a boundary (unspoken so far) that she will not

be alone with my children again. EVER. It was a wonderful feeling to just tell

her, " No, he won't be going tomorrow. We want to spend time with him here. " I

didn't even feel guilty. WOW!!! Thanks WTO! This board is definitely a

" constructive collaboration " as you said.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

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> Well,thank *you*,Coal Miner's Daughter,for your post too

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> I kinda thought that was what you meant about your reaction to seeing my

thread title but just in case lol I went back and dotted the i's and crossed the

t's--and probably overdid it but anyway it's all cool,right: neither of us

wanted to cause concern or distress.

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> I think I know what you mean about reacting to something with that uh oh

I'm in trouble fear.I get triggered that way,too.I think that many of us (or

most of us? or all of us?) here had the unfortunate experience in our FOOs of

being unreasonably or insanely blamed for stuff that had nothing to do with

us.And/or we were accused of having bad intentions we never had--and never given

a chance to prove either our neutrality or our good will or to explain our own

motivations,just condemned out of hand instead.Or to even *have*

muddled/contradictory or passingly negative feelings without getting raked over

the coals for them.Or just outright judged as " guilty " for crap we never even

did or never even meant.

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> In my own FOO anyway I was the scapegoat who wasn't allowed to express

any outrage or hurt.The assumption of my " blame worthiness " was automatic and

monolithic--and the message was constantly: stuff your emotional honesty/anyone

who threatens to capsize the FOO boat by even hinting at the truth WILL be

thrown overboard and left to drown unassisted.

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> That did happen to me in real terms,too,not just as a message--and since

the " rules " for being in trouble seemed so arbitrary,I learned to fear putting a

foot wrong for the possible damning consequences.And I just totally hate to

think I've done that to anyone else since I know what a head f*ck it is,to have

someone else's arbitrary junk imposed on you! So I thank you for offering your

feedback and for explaining the reasons why the thread title itself triggered

you.I appreciate that very much

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> All of us here are wounded in our own ways but I do think that for the

most part we are all able to constructively collaborate together on our various

missions of healing and the gaining of clarity as to how we got here and where

we are going/want to go.

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