An Introduction

[Guest guest]

Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

I'm Female

Age: 32

BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about 2

years ago.

Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very variable.

Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

Hope to hear from someone!

R/W

[Guest guest]

R/W, thanks for posting!

I think the sensations you're having right now are another classic aspect of BPD

upbringings -- these gloom-and-doom things are manipulative, but they're also

really scary. How on earth can we determine whether it's real or yet another

" boy-cried-wolf " drama designed to get something out of us -- in your case,

could it be that your mother has issues with your planned vacation and her

anxiety exacerbated the current medical crisis?

I too am an only child. My BPD mother does have actual health problems, as she

is much older than yours, but she also does the " I'm not feeling well, this

could be something serious, but I'd be better off dead anyway because then

everyone would be glad and relieved " thing quite often. I never know where to

turn, as she has a history of bending the truth and having distorted perceptions

that she really believes are true. As I live hundreds of miles away, I too feel

guilty and mistrustful and angry and sad and confused. She lives alone but has a

daily helper, and I check in with the helper to get a sense of the real

situation, but it's amazing how quickly Mom can wind me up again with fear and

guilt and dread.

I used to travel a lot for work and pleasure. In the weeks before my last few

big trips, my mother would call me endlessly, many times a day, saying how

scared she was that we would never see each other again -- that I would die

during my trip (you know, plane crash, car crash, abduction, terrorist attack)

or she would die during my trip (you know, home alone, sudden illness). This

made me so nervous that I considered cancelling my trips, but then I remembered

that my grandmother -- her mother -- used to do that to her. I think Grandma had

BPD too. When I was little and my parents planned summer vacations, Grandma

would say to Mom, " How can you do this, how can you leave two old parents

behind??? " No matter that they had another adult child to help them out.

BPDs are so depressed and have such a fear of abandonment that it's hard for

them to handle their kids going off without them to have fun.

[Guest guest]

R/W, thanks for posting!

I think the sensations you're having right now are another classic aspect of BPD

upbringings -- these gloom-and-doom things are manipulative, but they're also

really scary. How on earth can we determine whether it's real or yet another

" boy-cried-wolf " drama designed to get something out of us -- in your case,

could it be that your mother has issues with your planned vacation and her

anxiety exacerbated the current medical crisis?

I too am an only child. My BPD mother does have actual health problems, as she

is much older than yours, but she also does the " I'm not feeling well, this

could be something serious, but I'd be better off dead anyway because then

everyone would be glad and relieved " thing quite often. I never know where to

turn, as she has a history of bending the truth and having distorted perceptions

that she really believes are true. As I live hundreds of miles away, I too feel

guilty and mistrustful and angry and sad and confused. She lives alone but has a

daily helper, and I check in with the helper to get a sense of the real

situation, but it's amazing how quickly Mom can wind me up again with fear and

guilt and dread.

I used to travel a lot for work and pleasure. In the weeks before my last few

big trips, my mother would call me endlessly, many times a day, saying how

scared she was that we would never see each other again -- that I would die

during my trip (you know, plane crash, car crash, abduction, terrorist attack)

or she would die during my trip (you know, home alone, sudden illness). This

made me so nervous that I considered cancelling my trips, but then I remembered

that my grandmother -- her mother -- used to do that to her. I think Grandma had

BPD too. When I was little and my parents planned summer vacations, Grandma

would say to Mom, " How can you do this, how can you leave two old parents

behind??? " No matter that they had another adult child to help them out.

BPDs are so depressed and have such a fear of abandonment that it's hard for

them to handle their kids going off without them to have fun.

[Guest guest]

Hi R/W,

I'm no psychologist, and your mother may or may not have full-blown bpd, but in

either case it sounds to me like her behaviors are distressing to you and you

feel inappropriately responsible for her feelings.

A hypochondriac will over-react to every minor illness with terror, believing

that she will soon die; the distress is sadly real. Those with Munchausen's on

the other hand enjoy creating illness or injuries where none exist (or

exacerbating real illnesses) merely to get attention and sympathy from family,

friends, and doctors. This individual fakes being afraid and needing you by her

side, but she actually enjoys stirring up drama/anxiety and relishes the

resulting attention. Its often hard to tell the difference.

What can help is to keep a diary or journal. If you start keeping track of your

mother's various health crises maybe a pattern will develop. Perhaps your

mother becomes ill whenever you start spending more time away from her to draw

you back to her side, or perhaps each time you do something that she doesn't

like, she " gets sick " to punish you. That sort of thing.

Seems to me that most mentally healthy parents try to shield their children from

unnecessary worry over their minor health issues and tend to minimize their real

illnesses and conditions. If your mother is in the habit of informing you of

every little scrape or cold, dramatizing the severity, then seeming pleased or

more upbeat when you spend more time with her, then in my opinion its more

likely that your mother is using illness as a manipulative tactic.

Knowledge is power, and empowering. If you get permission from your mother to

talk directly with her doctors and/or her therapist, maybe they can set your

mind at ease about the true condition of your mother's health. If your mother

is unwilling to have you contact her doctors, then for me personally, that would

raise my suspicion that its more likely that your mother knows she is

exaggerating her health conditions and dramatizing the seriousness to manipulate

you. If she is a true hypochondriac, I believe she would be more likely to urge

you to be in touch with her medical doctors, if not her therapist.

In any case, if you are feeling trapped and codependent with your mother (if you

feel responsible for her feelings, for rescuing her from unhappiness) then

reading up about codependency may help you.

There are also in-person meet-up groups called " CODA " to help you shed the

inappropriate and misplaced guilt. This is something that individual therapy

can help with also.

Its normal and healthy for you to have a separate, joyful, independent adult

life apart from your parents; if your parents have conditioned you to become

overly-enmeshed with them, if you've taken on the role of parenting your

parents, then, maybe its time to get un-enmeshed. Its not bad or wrong to have

that freedom from inappropriate responsibility and misplaced guilt, its your

birthright.

-Annie

>

> Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

>

> Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

>

> I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

>

> I'm Female

> Age: 32

> BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about

2 years ago.

>

> Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

>

> Hope to hear from someone!

> R/W

>

[Guest guest]

Hi R/W,

I'm no psychologist, and your mother may or may not have full-blown bpd, but in

either case it sounds to me like her behaviors are distressing to you and you

feel inappropriately responsible for her feelings.

A hypochondriac will over-react to every minor illness with terror, believing

that she will soon die; the distress is sadly real. Those with Munchausen's on

the other hand enjoy creating illness or injuries where none exist (or

exacerbating real illnesses) merely to get attention and sympathy from family,

friends, and doctors. This individual fakes being afraid and needing you by her

side, but she actually enjoys stirring up drama/anxiety and relishes the

resulting attention. Its often hard to tell the difference.

What can help is to keep a diary or journal. If you start keeping track of your

mother's various health crises maybe a pattern will develop. Perhaps your

mother becomes ill whenever you start spending more time away from her to draw

you back to her side, or perhaps each time you do something that she doesn't

like, she " gets sick " to punish you. That sort of thing.

Seems to me that most mentally healthy parents try to shield their children from

unnecessary worry over their minor health issues and tend to minimize their real

illnesses and conditions. If your mother is in the habit of informing you of

every little scrape or cold, dramatizing the severity, then seeming pleased or

more upbeat when you spend more time with her, then in my opinion its more

likely that your mother is using illness as a manipulative tactic.

Knowledge is power, and empowering. If you get permission from your mother to

talk directly with her doctors and/or her therapist, maybe they can set your

mind at ease about the true condition of your mother's health. If your mother

is unwilling to have you contact her doctors, then for me personally, that would

raise my suspicion that its more likely that your mother knows she is

exaggerating her health conditions and dramatizing the seriousness to manipulate

you. If she is a true hypochondriac, I believe she would be more likely to urge

you to be in touch with her medical doctors, if not her therapist.

In any case, if you are feeling trapped and codependent with your mother (if you

feel responsible for her feelings, for rescuing her from unhappiness) then

reading up about codependency may help you.

There are also in-person meet-up groups called " CODA " to help you shed the

inappropriate and misplaced guilt. This is something that individual therapy

can help with also.

Its normal and healthy for you to have a separate, joyful, independent adult

life apart from your parents; if your parents have conditioned you to become

overly-enmeshed with them, if you've taken on the role of parenting your

parents, then, maybe its time to get un-enmeshed. Its not bad or wrong to have

that freedom from inappropriate responsibility and misplaced guilt, its your

birthright.

-Annie

>

> Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

>

> Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

>

> I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

>

> I'm Female

> Age: 32

> BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about

2 years ago.

>

> Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

>

> Hope to hear from someone!

> R/W

>

[Guest guest]

Hi R/W,

I'm no psychologist, and your mother may or may not have full-blown bpd, but in

either case it sounds to me like her behaviors are distressing to you and you

feel inappropriately responsible for her feelings.

A hypochondriac will over-react to every minor illness with terror, believing

that she will soon die; the distress is sadly real. Those with Munchausen's on

the other hand enjoy creating illness or injuries where none exist (or

exacerbating real illnesses) merely to get attention and sympathy from family,

friends, and doctors. This individual fakes being afraid and needing you by her

side, but she actually enjoys stirring up drama/anxiety and relishes the

resulting attention. Its often hard to tell the difference.

What can help is to keep a diary or journal. If you start keeping track of your

mother's various health crises maybe a pattern will develop. Perhaps your

mother becomes ill whenever you start spending more time away from her to draw

you back to her side, or perhaps each time you do something that she doesn't

like, she " gets sick " to punish you. That sort of thing.

Seems to me that most mentally healthy parents try to shield their children from

unnecessary worry over their minor health issues and tend to minimize their real

illnesses and conditions. If your mother is in the habit of informing you of

every little scrape or cold, dramatizing the severity, then seeming pleased or

more upbeat when you spend more time with her, then in my opinion its more

likely that your mother is using illness as a manipulative tactic.

Knowledge is power, and empowering. If you get permission from your mother to

talk directly with her doctors and/or her therapist, maybe they can set your

mind at ease about the true condition of your mother's health. If your mother

is unwilling to have you contact her doctors, then for me personally, that would

raise my suspicion that its more likely that your mother knows she is

exaggerating her health conditions and dramatizing the seriousness to manipulate

you. If she is a true hypochondriac, I believe she would be more likely to urge

you to be in touch with her medical doctors, if not her therapist.

In any case, if you are feeling trapped and codependent with your mother (if you

feel responsible for her feelings, for rescuing her from unhappiness) then

reading up about codependency may help you.

There are also in-person meet-up groups called " CODA " to help you shed the

inappropriate and misplaced guilt. This is something that individual therapy

can help with also.

Its normal and healthy for you to have a separate, joyful, independent adult

life apart from your parents; if your parents have conditioned you to become

overly-enmeshed with them, if you've taken on the role of parenting your

parents, then, maybe its time to get un-enmeshed. Its not bad or wrong to have

that freedom from inappropriate responsibility and misplaced guilt, its your

birthright.

-Annie

>

> Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

>

> Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

>

> I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

>

> I'm Female

> Age: 32

> BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about

2 years ago.

>

> Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

>

> Hope to hear from someone!

> R/W

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Bethany. I am relatively new to this board, but find it is a real help to me

and I hope it will be to you, too. I confess I didn't read all of the replies so

far, so forgive any redundancy.

First of all, it IS great that you are dealing with this now instead of later in

life.

Second, the advice you got from Sylvia REALLY IS golden.

Third, if you can afford therapy, get in right away.

Fourth, someone else said to keep reading and that was great advice. There are a

lot of books out there and your therapist will surely suggest some, but here are

some books I've found really helpful:

Co-Dependent No More

The Road Less Traveled (Peck)

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

Children of the Self-Absorbed

The Drama of the Gifted Child

Affirmations for the Inner Child

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Dance of Anger

Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend)

An Adult Child's Guide to What's " Normal "

Stop Walking On Eggshells

It took me a loooong time to read some of these books and process them.

Sometimes, I can only read a few paragraphs at a time and then I need a break

(and some sour straws or mandel bread or cookies or cocoa or Bacardi or

Cuervo...). Sometimes the breaks last years - it has taken me 5 years to get

half-way through several of them because they just make me so sad.

LAST, but not least - you are describing nearly word for friggin word the last

Christmas I spent with my mother. There was a huge nonsensical one-sided fight,

an eye-of-the-storm reprieve, a reprise in the car, a mortified witness, and a

dramatic scene in a public place. This is what these nutbags DO. If it was an

Olympic sport, they'd all have gold medals. Hate to tell you that, but them's

the berries. We all just have to find ways to deal with it. Some people go NC

(No Contact), LC (Limited or Low Contact) and some just find ways to mitigate

the damage. Think " bomb squad. " The thing is going to blow, but we can keep

casualties to a minimum. I think all the groups have tee shirts. The Bomb Squad

has these really cute little helmets, too.

Anyway, having a BPD parent is a really terrible, horrible, awful thing to deal

with, but as you can read on here, lots of people on here are dealing with it,

dealing with it well. We have people who love us and we enjoy life, just not the

parts with the psycho nutjobs who spawned us. ;p But WE are not psycho nutjobs,

we just play them on tv.

Glad you have joined us and thank you for sharing your story.

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > I'm a new member, and thought I would introduce myself. My name is

> > Bethany and I'm 21 years old, about to my undergraduate degree in

> > Chicago. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

> >

> > My mom has never been formally diagnosed with BPD, but several

> > therapists that both myself and others in my family have been involved

> > with have said her behavior is very consistent with it; my own

> > research has brought a lot of " a-ha! " moments where I found BPD

> > behaviors that she exhibits to a T. Her mother (my grandmother) was

> > manic depressive. My mom has been in therapy a few times in her life,

> > but has never been put on medication or told that she may have mental

> > issues.

> >

> > Despite the fact that I have a younger sister, my mom has made me the

> > focal point of her life. We have always been close, but even from a

> > young age I knew that something about her wasn't like other moms. When

> > I was in high school, I was an outcast, and I would spend most of my

> > Friday nights with her. When I finally did start to make friends, she

> > would pout and cry, calling me selfish because I wanted to spend time

> > with people my own age rather than her. She did the same types of

> > things when I got my first boyfriend, accusing me of choosing him over

> > her.

> >

> > She has always been my biggest fan and the person that I tell my big

> > news to; she would support me in everything I did. Lately, however,

> > this has changed. Though she did emotionally abuse me at times in the

> > past, it has become significantly worse over the last few months. I've

> > been having relationship problems, and she's been very vocal about the

> > decisions that I am making.

> >

> > This has all come to head in the last few hours. My mom moved to

> > Chicago (she claimed it was not to be closer to me, but I know that's

> > a lie) about a year ago, but my father, sister, and stepfamily still

> > live in Pittsburgh. I made the decision to go back to Pittsburgh for

> > both Thanksgiving & Christmas this year, and she lost it. She yelled

> > at me on the phone for an hour and kept calling me selfish, saying

> > that I didn't care about her. I tried to stay calm and explain to her

> > several times that while I would like to see her on Christmas, the

> > entire rest of my family is in Pittsburgh, and that is my home.

> >

> > A few days later, she took me & my roommate out shopping, a trip we

> > had planned before our fight. She spent the whole hour drive yelling

> > at me in the car, telling me to " f off " at least five or six times,

> > and continuing to tell me how selfish I was and how I was an awful,

> > uncaring person because I wasn't spending the holidays with her - all

> > of this as my roommate was in the backseat. Needless to say, I was

> > mortified.

> >

> > We didn't talk for 2 weeks after that. Today mom called and asked if I

> > was being passive-aggressive by not calling her; I told her her

> > behavior had been unacceptable and I did not want to be yelled at

> > anymore. She said she was going to be in my neighborhood and asked if

> > I wanted to join her to stop by the store she was going to. I agreed.

> >

> > Of course, within 2 minutes of arriving, she started talking about the

> > holidays again. We argued the whole way to the store and she started

> > crying while we were there. Finally she said that we should just go

> > have lunch and try to have a nice time. On the way to lunch she

> > started talking about it *again*, asking why I didn't care about her,

> > etc. I threatened several times to leave, but she would calm down and

> > act like she would stop discussing it. She didn't.

> >

> > After yelling at me for 10 minutes at the restaurant to the point

> > where people were staring, I started crying and told her that not only

> > was her behavior unacceptable, but she was crazy. (I know, not the

> > best reaction, but I seriously could not take it anymore.) She got up

> > and stormed out, leaving me waiting for the food & the bill. She left

> > me a message on my phone a few minutes later saying that she would be

> > cancelling my phone service and was no longer speaking to me.

> >

> > Obviously, I haven't spoken with her since. I really love my mom. I

> > know that a lot of her behavior is not her, but her illness, but I am

> > simply at a loss at this point. Every time I speak with her I just get

> > hurt more & more, and I'm sick of feeling like she is my

> > responsibility to keep afloat. My dad divorced her, my sister moved

> > away, and I am left to pick up the pieces and constantly get hurt by

> her.

> >

> > Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? Any pearls of

> > wisdom? I'm so glad I've found this group; nobody else can really

> > understand what I've gone through and continue to go through by having

> > a parent with BPD.

> >

> > Bethany

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Bethany. I am relatively new to this board, but find it is a real help to me

and I hope it will be to you, too. I confess I didn't read all of the replies so

far, so forgive any redundancy.

First of all, it IS great that you are dealing with this now instead of later in

life.

Second, the advice you got from Sylvia REALLY IS golden.

Third, if you can afford therapy, get in right away.

Fourth, someone else said to keep reading and that was great advice. There are a

lot of books out there and your therapist will surely suggest some, but here are

some books I've found really helpful:

Co-Dependent No More

The Road Less Traveled (Peck)

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

Children of the Self-Absorbed

The Drama of the Gifted Child

Affirmations for the Inner Child

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Dance of Anger

Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend)

An Adult Child's Guide to What's " Normal "

Stop Walking On Eggshells

It took me a loooong time to read some of these books and process them.

Sometimes, I can only read a few paragraphs at a time and then I need a break

(and some sour straws or mandel bread or cookies or cocoa or Bacardi or

Cuervo...). Sometimes the breaks last years - it has taken me 5 years to get

half-way through several of them because they just make me so sad.

LAST, but not least - you are describing nearly word for friggin word the last

Christmas I spent with my mother. There was a huge nonsensical one-sided fight,

an eye-of-the-storm reprieve, a reprise in the car, a mortified witness, and a

dramatic scene in a public place. This is what these nutbags DO. If it was an

Olympic sport, they'd all have gold medals. Hate to tell you that, but them's

the berries. We all just have to find ways to deal with it. Some people go NC

(No Contact), LC (Limited or Low Contact) and some just find ways to mitigate

the damage. Think " bomb squad. " The thing is going to blow, but we can keep

casualties to a minimum. I think all the groups have tee shirts. The Bomb Squad

has these really cute little helmets, too.

Anyway, having a BPD parent is a really terrible, horrible, awful thing to deal

with, but as you can read on here, lots of people on here are dealing with it,

dealing with it well. We have people who love us and we enjoy life, just not the

parts with the psycho nutjobs who spawned us. ;p But WE are not psycho nutjobs,

we just play them on tv.

Glad you have joined us and thank you for sharing your story.

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > I'm a new member, and thought I would introduce myself. My name is

> > Bethany and I'm 21 years old, about to my undergraduate degree in

> > Chicago. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

> >

> > My mom has never been formally diagnosed with BPD, but several

> > therapists that both myself and others in my family have been involved

> > with have said her behavior is very consistent with it; my own

> > research has brought a lot of " a-ha! " moments where I found BPD

> > behaviors that she exhibits to a T. Her mother (my grandmother) was

> > manic depressive. My mom has been in therapy a few times in her life,

> > but has never been put on medication or told that she may have mental

> > issues.

> >

> > Despite the fact that I have a younger sister, my mom has made me the

> > focal point of her life. We have always been close, but even from a

> > young age I knew that something about her wasn't like other moms. When

> > I was in high school, I was an outcast, and I would spend most of my

> > Friday nights with her. When I finally did start to make friends, she

> > would pout and cry, calling me selfish because I wanted to spend time

> > with people my own age rather than her. She did the same types of

> > things when I got my first boyfriend, accusing me of choosing him over

> > her.

> >

> > She has always been my biggest fan and the person that I tell my big

> > news to; she would support me in everything I did. Lately, however,

> > this has changed. Though she did emotionally abuse me at times in the

> > past, it has become significantly worse over the last few months. I've

> > been having relationship problems, and she's been very vocal about the

> > decisions that I am making.

> >

> > This has all come to head in the last few hours. My mom moved to

> > Chicago (she claimed it was not to be closer to me, but I know that's

> > a lie) about a year ago, but my father, sister, and stepfamily still

> > live in Pittsburgh. I made the decision to go back to Pittsburgh for

> > both Thanksgiving & Christmas this year, and she lost it. She yelled

> > at me on the phone for an hour and kept calling me selfish, saying

> > that I didn't care about her. I tried to stay calm and explain to her

> > several times that while I would like to see her on Christmas, the

> > entire rest of my family is in Pittsburgh, and that is my home.

> >

> > A few days later, she took me & my roommate out shopping, a trip we

> > had planned before our fight. She spent the whole hour drive yelling

> > at me in the car, telling me to " f off " at least five or six times,

> > and continuing to tell me how selfish I was and how I was an awful,

> > uncaring person because I wasn't spending the holidays with her - all

> > of this as my roommate was in the backseat. Needless to say, I was

> > mortified.

> >

> > We didn't talk for 2 weeks after that. Today mom called and asked if I

> > was being passive-aggressive by not calling her; I told her her

> > behavior had been unacceptable and I did not want to be yelled at

> > anymore. She said she was going to be in my neighborhood and asked if

> > I wanted to join her to stop by the store she was going to. I agreed.

> >

> > Of course, within 2 minutes of arriving, she started talking about the

> > holidays again. We argued the whole way to the store and she started

> > crying while we were there. Finally she said that we should just go

> > have lunch and try to have a nice time. On the way to lunch she

> > started talking about it *again*, asking why I didn't care about her,

> > etc. I threatened several times to leave, but she would calm down and

> > act like she would stop discussing it. She didn't.

> >

> > After yelling at me for 10 minutes at the restaurant to the point

> > where people were staring, I started crying and told her that not only

> > was her behavior unacceptable, but she was crazy. (I know, not the

> > best reaction, but I seriously could not take it anymore.) She got up

> > and stormed out, leaving me waiting for the food & the bill. She left

> > me a message on my phone a few minutes later saying that she would be

> > cancelling my phone service and was no longer speaking to me.

> >

> > Obviously, I haven't spoken with her since. I really love my mom. I

> > know that a lot of her behavior is not her, but her illness, but I am

> > simply at a loss at this point. Every time I speak with her I just get

> > hurt more & more, and I'm sick of feeling like she is my

> > responsibility to keep afloat. My dad divorced her, my sister moved

> > away, and I am left to pick up the pieces and constantly get hurt by

> her.

> >

> > Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? Any pearls of

> > wisdom? I'm so glad I've found this group; nobody else can really

> > understand what I've gone through and continue to go through by having

> > a parent with BPD.

> >

> > Bethany

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for that book list!!!

Narcissistic Dad, BPD mom - I got a double whammy. ;-)

Are narcissistic and BPD magnets for each other?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 8:40:48 PM

Subject: Re: An Introduction

Hi, Bethany. I am relatively new to this board, but find it is a real help to me

and I hope it will be to you, too. I confess I didn't read all of the replies so

far, so forgive any redundancy.

First of all, it IS great that you are dealing with this now instead of later in

life.

Second, the advice you got from Sylvia REALLY IS golden.

Third, if you can afford therapy, get in right away.

Fourth, someone else said to keep reading and that was great advice. There are a

lot of books out there and your therapist will surely suggest some, but here are

some books I've found really helpful:

Co-Dependent No More

The Road Less Traveled (Peck)

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

Children of the Self-Absorbed

The Drama of the Gifted Child

Affirmations for the Inner Child

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Dance of Anger

Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend)

An Adult Child's Guide to What's " Normal "

Stop Walking On Eggshells

It took me a loooong time to read some of these books and process them.

Sometimes, I can only read a few paragraphs at a time and then I need a break

(and some sour straws or mandel bread or cookies or cocoa or Bacardi or

Cuervo...). Sometimes the breaks last years - it has taken me 5 years to get

half-way through several of them because they just make me so sad.

LAST, but not least - you are describing nearly word for friggin word the last

Christmas I spent with my mother. There was a huge nonsensical one-sided fight,

an eye-of-the-storm reprieve, a reprise in the car, a mortified witness, and a

dramatic scene in a public place. This is what these nutbags DO. If it was an

Olympic sport, they'd all have gold medals. Hate to tell you that, but them's

the berries. We all just have to find ways to deal with it. Some people go NC

(No Contact), LC (Limited or Low Contact) and some just find ways to mitigate

the damage. Think " bomb squad. " The thing is going to blow, but we can keep

casualties to a minimum. I think all the groups have tee shirts. The Bomb Squad

has these really cute little helmets, too.

Anyway, having a BPD parent is a really terrible, horrible, awful thing to deal

with, but as you can read on here, lots of people on here are dealing with it,

dealing with it well. We have people who love us and we enjoy life, just not the

parts with the psycho nutjobs who spawned us. ;p But WE are not psycho nutjobs,

we just play them on tv.

Glad you have joined us and thank you for sharing your story.

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > I'm a new member, and thought I would introduce myself. My name is

> > Bethany and I'm 21 years old, about to my undergraduate degree in

> > Chicago. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

> >

> > My mom has never been formally diagnosed with BPD, but several

> > therapists that both myself and others in my family have been involved

> > with have said her behavior is very consistent with it; my own

> > research has brought a lot of " a-ha! " moments where I found BPD

> > behaviors that she exhibits to a T. Her mother (my grandmother) was

> > manic depressive. My mom has been in therapy a few times in her life,

> > but has never been put on medication or told that she may have mental

> > issues.

> >

> > Despite the fact that I have a younger sister, my mom has made me the

> > focal point of her life. We have always been close, but even from a

> > young age I knew that something about her wasn't like other moms. When

> > I was in high school, I was an outcast, and I would spend most of my

> > Friday nights with her. When I finally did start to make friends, she

> > would pout and cry, calling me selfish because I wanted to spend time

> > with people my own age rather than her. She did the same types of

> > things when I got my first boyfriend, accusing me of choosing him over

> > her.

> >

> > She has always been my biggest fan and the person that I tell my big

> > news to; she would support me in everything I did. Lately, however,

> > this has changed. Though she did emotionally abuse me at times in the

> > past, it has become significantly worse over the last few months. I've

> > been having relationship problems, and she's been very vocal about the

> > decisions that I am making.

> >

> > This has all come to head in the last few hours. My mom moved to

> > Chicago (she claimed it was not to be closer to me, but I know that's

> > a lie) about a year ago, but my father, sister, and stepfamily still

> > live in Pittsburgh. I made the decision to go back to Pittsburgh for

> > both Thanksgiving & Christmas this year, and she lost it. She yelled

> > at me on the phone for an hour and kept calling me selfish, saying

> > that I didn't care about her. I tried to stay calm and explain to her

> > several times that while I would like to see her on Christmas, the

> > entire rest of my family is in Pittsburgh, and that is my home.

> >

> > A few days later, she took me & my roommate out shopping, a trip we

> > had planned before our fight. She spent the whole hour drive yelling

> > at me in the car, telling me to " f off " at least five or six times,

> > and continuing to tell me how selfish I was and how I was an awful,

> > uncaring person because I wasn't spending the holidays with her - all

> > of this as my roommate was in the backseat. Needless to say, I was

> > mortified.

> >

> > We didn't talk for 2 weeks after that. Today mom called and asked if I

> > was being passive-aggressive by not calling her; I told her her

> > behavior had been unacceptable and I did not want to be yelled at

> > anymore. She said she was going to be in my neighborhood and asked if

> > I wanted to join her to stop by the store she was going to. I agreed.

> >

> > Of course, within 2 minutes of arriving, she started talking about the

> > holidays again. We argued the whole way to the store and she started

> > crying while we were there. Finally she said that we should just go

> > have lunch and try to have a nice time. On the way to lunch she

> > started talking about it *again*, asking why I didn't care about her,

> > etc. I threatened several times to leave, but she would calm down and

> > act like she would stop discussing it. She didn't.

> >

> > After yelling at me for 10 minutes at the restaurant to the point

> > where people were staring, I started crying and told her that not only

> > was her behavior unacceptable, but she was crazy. (I know, not the

> > best reaction, but I seriously could not take it anymore.) She got up

> > and stormed out, leaving me waiting for the food & the bill. She left

> > me a message on my phone a few minutes later saying that she would be

> > cancelling my phone service and was no longer speaking to me.

> >

> > Obviously, I haven't spoken with her since. I really love my mom. I

> > know that a lot of her behavior is not her, but her illness, but I am

> > simply at a loss at this point. Every time I speak with her I just get

> > hurt more & more, and I'm sick of feeling like she is my

> > responsibility to keep afloat. My dad divorced her, my sister moved

> > away, and I am left to pick up the pieces and constantly get hurt by

> her.

> >

> > Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? Any pearls of

> > wisdom? I'm so glad I've found this group; nobody else can really

> > understand what I've gone through and continue to go through by having

> > a parent with BPD.

> >

> > Bethany

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for that book list!!!

Narcissistic Dad, BPD mom - I got a double whammy. ;-)

Are narcissistic and BPD magnets for each other?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 8:40:48 PM

Subject: Re: An Introduction

Hi, Bethany. I am relatively new to this board, but find it is a real help to me

and I hope it will be to you, too. I confess I didn't read all of the replies so

far, so forgive any redundancy.

First of all, it IS great that you are dealing with this now instead of later in

life.

Second, the advice you got from Sylvia REALLY IS golden.

Third, if you can afford therapy, get in right away.

Fourth, someone else said to keep reading and that was great advice. There are a

lot of books out there and your therapist will surely suggest some, but here are

some books I've found really helpful:

Co-Dependent No More

The Road Less Traveled (Peck)

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

Children of the Self-Absorbed

The Drama of the Gifted Child

Affirmations for the Inner Child

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Dance of Anger

Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend)

An Adult Child's Guide to What's " Normal "

Stop Walking On Eggshells

It took me a loooong time to read some of these books and process them.

Sometimes, I can only read a few paragraphs at a time and then I need a break

(and some sour straws or mandel bread or cookies or cocoa or Bacardi or

Cuervo...). Sometimes the breaks last years - it has taken me 5 years to get

half-way through several of them because they just make me so sad.

LAST, but not least - you are describing nearly word for friggin word the last

Christmas I spent with my mother. There was a huge nonsensical one-sided fight,

an eye-of-the-storm reprieve, a reprise in the car, a mortified witness, and a

dramatic scene in a public place. This is what these nutbags DO. If it was an

Olympic sport, they'd all have gold medals. Hate to tell you that, but them's

the berries. We all just have to find ways to deal with it. Some people go NC

(No Contact), LC (Limited or Low Contact) and some just find ways to mitigate

the damage. Think " bomb squad. " The thing is going to blow, but we can keep

casualties to a minimum. I think all the groups have tee shirts. The Bomb Squad

has these really cute little helmets, too.

Anyway, having a BPD parent is a really terrible, horrible, awful thing to deal

with, but as you can read on here, lots of people on here are dealing with it,

dealing with it well. We have people who love us and we enjoy life, just not the

parts with the psycho nutjobs who spawned us. ;p But WE are not psycho nutjobs,

we just play them on tv.

Glad you have joined us and thank you for sharing your story.

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > I'm a new member, and thought I would introduce myself. My name is

> > Bethany and I'm 21 years old, about to my undergraduate degree in

> > Chicago. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

> >

> > My mom has never been formally diagnosed with BPD, but several

> > therapists that both myself and others in my family have been involved

> > with have said her behavior is very consistent with it; my own

> > research has brought a lot of " a-ha! " moments where I found BPD

> > behaviors that she exhibits to a T. Her mother (my grandmother) was

> > manic depressive. My mom has been in therapy a few times in her life,

> > but has never been put on medication or told that she may have mental

> > issues.

> >

> > Despite the fact that I have a younger sister, my mom has made me the

> > focal point of her life. We have always been close, but even from a

> > young age I knew that something about her wasn't like other moms. When

> > I was in high school, I was an outcast, and I would spend most of my

> > Friday nights with her. When I finally did start to make friends, she

> > would pout and cry, calling me selfish because I wanted to spend time

> > with people my own age rather than her. She did the same types of

> > things when I got my first boyfriend, accusing me of choosing him over

> > her.

> >

> > She has always been my biggest fan and the person that I tell my big

> > news to; she would support me in everything I did. Lately, however,

> > this has changed. Though she did emotionally abuse me at times in the

> > past, it has become significantly worse over the last few months. I've

> > been having relationship problems, and she's been very vocal about the

> > decisions that I am making.

> >

> > This has all come to head in the last few hours. My mom moved to

> > Chicago (she claimed it was not to be closer to me, but I know that's

> > a lie) about a year ago, but my father, sister, and stepfamily still

> > live in Pittsburgh. I made the decision to go back to Pittsburgh for

> > both Thanksgiving & Christmas this year, and she lost it. She yelled

> > at me on the phone for an hour and kept calling me selfish, saying

> > that I didn't care about her. I tried to stay calm and explain to her

> > several times that while I would like to see her on Christmas, the

> > entire rest of my family is in Pittsburgh, and that is my home.

> >

> > A few days later, she took me & my roommate out shopping, a trip we

> > had planned before our fight. She spent the whole hour drive yelling

> > at me in the car, telling me to " f off " at least five or six times,

> > and continuing to tell me how selfish I was and how I was an awful,

> > uncaring person because I wasn't spending the holidays with her - all

> > of this as my roommate was in the backseat. Needless to say, I was

> > mortified.

> >

> > We didn't talk for 2 weeks after that. Today mom called and asked if I

> > was being passive-aggressive by not calling her; I told her her

> > behavior had been unacceptable and I did not want to be yelled at

> > anymore. She said she was going to be in my neighborhood and asked if

> > I wanted to join her to stop by the store she was going to. I agreed.

> >

> > Of course, within 2 minutes of arriving, she started talking about the

> > holidays again. We argued the whole way to the store and she started

> > crying while we were there. Finally she said that we should just go

> > have lunch and try to have a nice time. On the way to lunch she

> > started talking about it *again*, asking why I didn't care about her,

> > etc. I threatened several times to leave, but she would calm down and

> > act like she would stop discussing it. She didn't.

> >

> > After yelling at me for 10 minutes at the restaurant to the point

> > where people were staring, I started crying and told her that not only

> > was her behavior unacceptable, but she was crazy. (I know, not the

> > best reaction, but I seriously could not take it anymore.) She got up

> > and stormed out, leaving me waiting for the food & the bill. She left

> > me a message on my phone a few minutes later saying that she would be

> > cancelling my phone service and was no longer speaking to me.

> >

> > Obviously, I haven't spoken with her since. I really love my mom. I

> > know that a lot of her behavior is not her, but her illness, but I am

> > simply at a loss at this point. Every time I speak with her I just get

> > hurt more & more, and I'm sick of feeling like she is my

> > responsibility to keep afloat. My dad divorced her, my sister moved

> > away, and I am left to pick up the pieces and constantly get hurt by

> her.

> >

> > Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? Any pearls of

> > wisdom? I'm so glad I've found this group; nobody else can really

> > understand what I've gone through and continue to go through by having

> > a parent with BPD.

> >

> > Bethany

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yup. They are. The NPD gets to be the " martyr/hero " and the BPD is drawn to them

in their grandiose state bc of their talent for black/white thinking.

> > >

> > > Hi!

> > >

> > > I'm a new member, and thought I would introduce myself. My name is

> > > Bethany and I'm 21 years old, about to my undergraduate degree in

> > > Chicago. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been formally diagnosed with BPD, but several

> > > therapists that both myself and others in my family have been involved

> > > with have said her behavior is very consistent with it; my own

> > > research has brought a lot of " a-ha! " moments where I found BPD

> > > behaviors that she exhibits to a T. Her mother (my grandmother) was

> > > manic depressive. My mom has been in therapy a few times in her life,

> > > but has never been put on medication or told that she may have mental

> > > issues.

> > >

> > > Despite the fact that I have a younger sister, my mom has made me the

> > > focal point of her life. We have always been close, but even from a

> > > young age I knew that something about her wasn't like other moms. When

> > > I was in high school, I was an outcast, and I would spend most of my

> > > Friday nights with her. When I finally did start to make friends, she

> > > would pout and cry, calling me selfish because I wanted to spend time

> > > with people my own age rather than her. She did the same types of

> > > things when I got my first boyfriend, accusing me of choosing him over

> > > her.

> > >

> > > She has always been my biggest fan and the person that I tell my big

> > > news to; she would support me in everything I did. Lately, however,

> > > this has changed. Though she did emotionally abuse me at times in the

> > > past, it has become significantly worse over the last few months. I've

> > > been having relationship problems, and she's been very vocal about the

> > > decisions that I am making.

> > >

> > > This has all come to head in the last few hours. My mom moved to

> > > Chicago (she claimed it was not to be closer to me, but I know that's

> > > a lie) about a year ago, but my father, sister, and stepfamily still

> > > live in Pittsburgh. I made the decision to go back to Pittsburgh for

> > > both Thanksgiving & Christmas this year, and she lost it. She yelled

> > > at me on the phone for an hour and kept calling me selfish, saying

> > > that I didn't care about her. I tried to stay calm and explain to her

> > > several times that while I would like to see her on Christmas, the

> > > entire rest of my family is in Pittsburgh, and that is my home.

> > >

> > > A few days later, she took me & my roommate out shopping, a trip we

> > > had planned before our fight. She spent the whole hour drive yelling

> > > at me in the car, telling me to " f off " at least five or six times,

> > > and continuing to tell me how selfish I was and how I was an awful,

> > > uncaring person because I wasn't spending the holidays with her - all

> > > of this as my roommate was in the backseat. Needless to say, I was

> > > mortified.

> > >

> > > We didn't talk for 2 weeks after that. Today mom called and asked if I

> > > was being passive-aggressive by not calling her; I told her her

> > > behavior had been unacceptable and I did not want to be yelled at

> > > anymore. She said she was going to be in my neighborhood and asked if

> > > I wanted to join her to stop by the store she was going to. I agreed.

> > >

> > > Of course, within 2 minutes of arriving, she started talking about the

> > > holidays again. We argued the whole way to the store and she started

> > > crying while we were there. Finally she said that we should just go

> > > have lunch and try to have a nice time. On the way to lunch she

> > > started talking about it *again*, asking why I didn't care about her,

> > > etc. I threatened several times to leave, but she would calm down and

> > > act like she would stop discussing it. She didn't.

> > >

> > > After yelling at me for 10 minutes at the restaurant to the point

> > > where people were staring, I started crying and told her that not only

> > > was her behavior unacceptable, but she was crazy. (I know, not the

> > > best reaction, but I seriously could not take it anymore.) She got up

> > > and stormed out, leaving me waiting for the food & the bill. She left

> > > me a message on my phone a few minutes later saying that she would be

> > > cancelling my phone service and was no longer speaking to me.

> > >

> > > Obviously, I haven't spoken with her since. I really love my mom. I

> > > know that a lot of her behavior is not her, but her illness, but I am

> > > simply at a loss at this point. Every time I speak with her I just get

> > > hurt more & more, and I'm sick of feeling like she is my

> > > responsibility to keep afloat. My dad divorced her, my sister moved

> > > away, and I am left to pick up the pieces and constantly get hurt by

> > her.

> > >

> > > Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? Any pearls of

> > > wisdom? I'm so glad I've found this group; nobody else can really

> > > understand what I've gone through and continue to go through by having

> > > a parent with BPD.

> > >

> > > Bethany

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yup. They are. The NPD gets to be the " martyr/hero " and the BPD is drawn to them

in their grandiose state bc of their talent for black/white thinking.

> > >

> > > Hi!

> > >

> > > I'm a new member, and thought I would introduce myself. My name is

> > > Bethany and I'm 21 years old, about to my undergraduate degree in

> > > Chicago. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA.

> > >

> > > My mom has never been formally diagnosed with BPD, but several

> > > therapists that both myself and others in my family have been involved

> > > with have said her behavior is very consistent with it; my own

> > > research has brought a lot of " a-ha! " moments where I found BPD

> > > behaviors that she exhibits to a T. Her mother (my grandmother) was

> > > manic depressive. My mom has been in therapy a few times in her life,

> > > but has never been put on medication or told that she may have mental

> > > issues.

> > >

> > > Despite the fact that I have a younger sister, my mom has made me the

> > > focal point of her life. We have always been close, but even from a

> > > young age I knew that something about her wasn't like other moms. When

> > > I was in high school, I was an outcast, and I would spend most of my

> > > Friday nights with her. When I finally did start to make friends, she

> > > would pout and cry, calling me selfish because I wanted to spend time

> > > with people my own age rather than her. She did the same types of

> > > things when I got my first boyfriend, accusing me of choosing him over

> > > her.

> > >

> > > She has always been my biggest fan and the person that I tell my big

> > > news to; she would support me in everything I did. Lately, however,

> > > this has changed. Though she did emotionally abuse me at times in the

> > > past, it has become significantly worse over the last few months. I've

> > > been having relationship problems, and she's been very vocal about the

> > > decisions that I am making.

> > >

> > > This has all come to head in the last few hours. My mom moved to

> > > Chicago (she claimed it was not to be closer to me, but I know that's

> > > a lie) about a year ago, but my father, sister, and stepfamily still

> > > live in Pittsburgh. I made the decision to go back to Pittsburgh for

> > > both Thanksgiving & Christmas this year, and she lost it. She yelled

> > > at me on the phone for an hour and kept calling me selfish, saying

> > > that I didn't care about her. I tried to stay calm and explain to her

> > > several times that while I would like to see her on Christmas, the

> > > entire rest of my family is in Pittsburgh, and that is my home.

> > >

> > > A few days later, she took me & my roommate out shopping, a trip we

> > > had planned before our fight. She spent the whole hour drive yelling

> > > at me in the car, telling me to " f off " at least five or six times,

> > > and continuing to tell me how selfish I was and how I was an awful,

> > > uncaring person because I wasn't spending the holidays with her - all

> > > of this as my roommate was in the backseat. Needless to say, I was

> > > mortified.

> > >

> > > We didn't talk for 2 weeks after that. Today mom called and asked if I

> > > was being passive-aggressive by not calling her; I told her her

> > > behavior had been unacceptable and I did not want to be yelled at

> > > anymore. She said she was going to be in my neighborhood and asked if

> > > I wanted to join her to stop by the store she was going to. I agreed.

> > >

> > > Of course, within 2 minutes of arriving, she started talking about the

> > > holidays again. We argued the whole way to the store and she started

> > > crying while we were there. Finally she said that we should just go

> > > have lunch and try to have a nice time. On the way to lunch she

> > > started talking about it *again*, asking why I didn't care about her,

> > > etc. I threatened several times to leave, but she would calm down and

> > > act like she would stop discussing it. She didn't.

> > >

> > > After yelling at me for 10 minutes at the restaurant to the point

> > > where people were staring, I started crying and told her that not only

> > > was her behavior unacceptable, but she was crazy. (I know, not the

> > > best reaction, but I seriously could not take it anymore.) She got up

> > > and stormed out, leaving me waiting for the food & the bill. She left

> > > me a message on my phone a few minutes later saying that she would be

> > > cancelling my phone service and was no longer speaking to me.

> > >

> > > Obviously, I haven't spoken with her since. I really love my mom. I

> > > know that a lot of her behavior is not her, but her illness, but I am

> > > simply at a loss at this point. Every time I speak with her I just get

> > > hurt more & more, and I'm sick of feeling like she is my

> > > responsibility to keep afloat. My dad divorced her, my sister moved

> > > away, and I am left to pick up the pieces and constantly get hurt by

> > her.

> > >

> > > Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? Any pearls of

> > > wisdom? I'm so glad I've found this group; nobody else can really

> > > understand what I've gone through and continue to go through by having

> > > a parent with BPD.

> > >

> > > Bethany

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

R/W

You have come to the right place. I dont post on here often, and sometimes dont

even read the posts for days or weeks, but it is so helpful to have all of the

validation of other KOs. Sometimes I just read for a while when I m feeling

anxious or down, and it always helps.

My nada was a hypochondriac, too. She always played the death card with my

sister and me, about our fathers health, and her own. My father was our

caregiver, and had chronic health problems. She used to threaten that he would

die any day of a heart attack, b/c she knew how horrified we were of losing him,

and being left to her care. I remember when I was about 5, peeking in at night

to make sure he was still breathing. As an adult, prior to his death, every

time I took a trip (especially the few overseas ones), I would worry that he

would die while I was gone. I would feel pulled not to go, and feel panicky

prior to and at the beginning of the trip. I think that for this reason, I

always lived within 6 to 8 hours of them.

Nada always complained and went to doctors, but was quite healthy until a few

years before her death. Actually, when she did get sick with

asbestosis/breathing problems, she had cried wolf for so long, that my sister

and I didnt really take her seriously.

Try not to let her ruin your vacation. You may need to consider limiting what

information you share with her about upcoming trips, etc. She may do better if

you tell her at the last minute. Reading these posts will help you to recognize

patterns and alter your reactions.

I feel sorry for you only children. You must have been painted all black/all

white at the same time, taking all of nadas hits, with no sibs to share the

blame and misery.

Hope you feel better.

Joanna

>

> Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

>

> Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

>

> I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

>

> I'm Female

> Age: 32

> BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about

2 years ago.

>

> Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

>

> Hope to hear from someone!

> R/W

>

[Guest guest]

R/W

You have come to the right place. I dont post on here often, and sometimes dont

even read the posts for days or weeks, but it is so helpful to have all of the

validation of other KOs. Sometimes I just read for a while when I m feeling

anxious or down, and it always helps.

My nada was a hypochondriac, too. She always played the death card with my

sister and me, about our fathers health, and her own. My father was our

caregiver, and had chronic health problems. She used to threaten that he would

die any day of a heart attack, b/c she knew how horrified we were of losing him,

and being left to her care. I remember when I was about 5, peeking in at night

to make sure he was still breathing. As an adult, prior to his death, every

time I took a trip (especially the few overseas ones), I would worry that he

would die while I was gone. I would feel pulled not to go, and feel panicky

prior to and at the beginning of the trip. I think that for this reason, I

always lived within 6 to 8 hours of them.

Nada always complained and went to doctors, but was quite healthy until a few

years before her death. Actually, when she did get sick with

asbestosis/breathing problems, she had cried wolf for so long, that my sister

and I didnt really take her seriously.

Try not to let her ruin your vacation. You may need to consider limiting what

information you share with her about upcoming trips, etc. She may do better if

you tell her at the last minute. Reading these posts will help you to recognize

patterns and alter your reactions.

I feel sorry for you only children. You must have been painted all black/all

white at the same time, taking all of nadas hits, with no sibs to share the

blame and misery.

Hope you feel better.

Joanna

>

> Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

>

> Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

>

> I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

>

> I'm Female

> Age: 32

> BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about

2 years ago.

>

> Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

>

> Hope to hear from someone!

> R/W

>

[Guest guest]

R/W

You have come to the right place. I dont post on here often, and sometimes dont

even read the posts for days or weeks, but it is so helpful to have all of the

validation of other KOs. Sometimes I just read for a while when I m feeling

anxious or down, and it always helps.

My nada was a hypochondriac, too. She always played the death card with my

sister and me, about our fathers health, and her own. My father was our

caregiver, and had chronic health problems. She used to threaten that he would

die any day of a heart attack, b/c she knew how horrified we were of losing him,

and being left to her care. I remember when I was about 5, peeking in at night

to make sure he was still breathing. As an adult, prior to his death, every

time I took a trip (especially the few overseas ones), I would worry that he

would die while I was gone. I would feel pulled not to go, and feel panicky

prior to and at the beginning of the trip. I think that for this reason, I

always lived within 6 to 8 hours of them.

Nada always complained and went to doctors, but was quite healthy until a few

years before her death. Actually, when she did get sick with

asbestosis/breathing problems, she had cried wolf for so long, that my sister

and I didnt really take her seriously.

Try not to let her ruin your vacation. You may need to consider limiting what

information you share with her about upcoming trips, etc. She may do better if

you tell her at the last minute. Reading these posts will help you to recognize

patterns and alter your reactions.

I feel sorry for you only children. You must have been painted all black/all

white at the same time, taking all of nadas hits, with no sibs to share the

blame and misery.

Hope you feel better.

Joanna

>

> Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend to

suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

>

> Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out there

like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a " fake "

illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want to call

anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on Saturday with

my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been quite doom and

gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I shouldn't get

anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is not, as most

everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and feeling deeply

sad and lonesome.

>

> I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

>

> I'm Female

> Age: 32

> BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation, about

2 years ago.

>

> Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

>

> Hope to hear from someone!

> R/W

>

[Guest guest]

Hi R/W, and welcome back. Thank you for having the courage to tell us your

story, as it helps all of us. What a blessing that at age 32 you have a handle

on what went down in your family. I had to wait until age 52 for the BPD message

to drop. It was a big ah-ha moment.

Regarding " I hate to call anyone a liar, " that's a nice theory but when it's

called for ya gotta go there. I don't mean you tell it to the person's face

necessarily, but you tell it to yourself. If the truth is " That person is a

liar, " then you have to arm yourself with the truth. Staying fuzzy about it

means you're leaving yourself vulnerable, IMO

Stay well,

AFB

> >

> > Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend

to suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

> >

> > Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out

there like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a

" fake " illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want

to call anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on

Saturday with my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been

quite doom and gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I

shouldn't get anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is

not, as most everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and

feeling deeply sad and lonesome.

> >

> > I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

> >

> > I'm Female

> > Age: 32

> > BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> > Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation,

about 2 years ago.

> >

> > Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> > My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

> >

> > Hope to hear from someone!

> > R/W

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi R/W, and welcome back. Thank you for having the courage to tell us your

story, as it helps all of us. What a blessing that at age 32 you have a handle

on what went down in your family. I had to wait until age 52 for the BPD message

to drop. It was a big ah-ha moment.

Regarding " I hate to call anyone a liar, " that's a nice theory but when it's

called for ya gotta go there. I don't mean you tell it to the person's face

necessarily, but you tell it to yourself. If the truth is " That person is a

liar, " then you have to arm yourself with the truth. Staying fuzzy about it

means you're leaving yourself vulnerable, IMO

Stay well,

AFB

> >

> > Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend

to suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

> >

> > Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out

there like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a

" fake " illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want

to call anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on

Saturday with my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been

quite doom and gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I

shouldn't get anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is

not, as most everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and

feeling deeply sad and lonesome.

> >

> > I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

> >

> > I'm Female

> > Age: 32

> > BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> > Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation,

about 2 years ago.

> >

> > Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> > My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

> >

> > Hope to hear from someone!

> > R/W

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi R/W, and welcome back. Thank you for having the courage to tell us your

story, as it helps all of us. What a blessing that at age 32 you have a handle

on what went down in your family. I had to wait until age 52 for the BPD message

to drop. It was a big ah-ha moment.

Regarding " I hate to call anyone a liar, " that's a nice theory but when it's

called for ya gotta go there. I don't mean you tell it to the person's face

necessarily, but you tell it to yourself. If the truth is " That person is a

liar, " then you have to arm yourself with the truth. Staying fuzzy about it

means you're leaving yourself vulnerable, IMO

Stay well,

AFB

> >

> > Hi, I've looked around this board and posted quite some time ago, but tend

to suddenly get shy and freaked out about my candor. SO, I'm trying once again,

because I tend to isolate during this rough periods, and feel quite guilty if I

talk to others about my stuff.

> >

> > Right now, honestly, I just need to know there are some other folks out

there like me. Yesterday, my mom went to hospital, for what I believe was a

" fake " illness. I don't really know what else to call it, because I never want

to call anyone a liar...but there it is. I'm supposed to go on vacation on

Saturday with my partner, and I'm having a hard time with it. My mom's been

quite doom and gloom--very sort of " my days are numbered " kind of stuff. I

shouldn't get anxious, but I really do. Cannot tell what is lethal and what is

not, as most everything is lethal as she describes it. Super high anxiety and

feeling deeply sad and lonesome.

> >

> > I went back to the very first postings, and saw the initial introductions.

Thought I'd use the format originally introduced.

> >

> > I'm Female

> > Age: 32

> > BPD mother, 68 y/o, living

> > Knew of BPD, but really learned about it, as it applied to my situation,

about 2 years ago.

> >

> > Of importance, to me anyway--I'm an only child and my dad caters to my mom

completely.

> > My mom has been in therapy my whole life, and has some insights. Very

variable. Not as violent as when I was a little girl, but still rough.

> >

> > Hope to hear from someone!

> > R/W

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm coming late to this discussion, but it resonated with me so much I

wanted to reply.

My mother too did this. She was always firm in her belief that something

tragic would happen to her or a family member while traveling, so much so

that the house had to be spotless before leaving so that when people came in

after the death they wouldn't think badly of us.

It wasn't until years later that my daughter pointed out to me that I had

this flea - of course back then I didn't call it a flea - and I literally

white-knuckle forced myself to overcome it. I still struggle with this. Today

we were going out to buy a Christmas tree and I had to wear imaginary

blinders to not see the dishes in the sink.

In later years she tried to manipulate us to stay home. The last major trip

DH and I took was for a month, driving from our Florida home out west. The

night before we took her to dinner, and DD drove her home, where she faked

a fall going in the door in an attempt to keep us for leaving.

DD was savvy enough to see through it and didn't tell about this until we

were two states away, lol.

The sad thing is, she laid her bpd hysterical manipulations and psychosis

on my daughter when she was very young. DH and I would occasionally leave

her with my parents ( remember we thought she was a difficult mother but

didn't realize she was insane, and in many ways they were fine grandparents.)

DD told me years after the fact that on one such trip Nada became

hysterical, screaming and carrying on that we were dead, she could feel it, she

knew it, etc., and kept this up until my father, the most mild-mannered man in

the world, yelled at her to stop because she was frightening my EIGHT YEAR

OLD DAUGHTER!!!!. Whom he took into another room and calmed down.

I was horrified and truly regret not knowing this, because believe me, she

would never ever have spent a night under that roof if I had known about

this insanity. Unfortunately I have blocked out so much that anything such as

this that happened to me is not available to my memory, so I never

expected it to happen to my daughter.

Anyway, I also understand the Nada who exaggerates illness - glaucoma

becomes incapacitating blindness, etc., and as a writer who routinely works to

major deadlines, I have often dealt with the faked fall, imaginary illness,

unexplainable dizzy spells - at one point Nada went from doctor to doctor

because she felt " motion " and finally was put on Paxil. She took it until

she saw an ad and realized what it was really for. Oh well. Now she's in a

nursing home and they are handling most of this.

Really, though, if you are planning a trip or big event and Nada becomes

ill, real or imaginary, well, the way I came to view it is this: That's what

the professionals at the hospitals are for. On more than one occasion when

Nada wanted me to rush to her house I picked up the phone, dialed 911 and

had paramedics sent to her house, only later going to the ER to find out

what was really going on. It wasn't easy given the FOG rolling in, and

sometimes it left me feeling enervated for weeks, but the more I did it the

easier

it got.

In a message dated 12/7/2010 10:56:07 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anneli@... writes:

R/W, thanks for posting!

I think the sensations you're having right now are another classic aspect

of BPD upbringings -- these gloom-and-doom things are manipulative, but

they're also really scary. How on earth can we determine whether it's real or

yet another " boy-cried-wolf " drama designed to get something out of us --

in your case, could it be that your mother has issues with your planned

vacation and her anxiety exacerbated the current medical crisis?

I too am an only child. My BPD mother does have actual health problems, as

she is much older than yours, but she also does the " I'm not feeling well,

this could be something serious, but I'd be better off dead anyway because

then everyone would be glad and relieved " thing quite often. I never know

where to turn, as she has a history of bending the truth and having

distorted perceptions that she really believes are true. As I live hundreds of

miles away, I too feel guilty and mistrustful and angry and sad and confused.

She lives alone but has a daily helper, and I check in with the helper to

get a sense of the real situation, but it's amazing how quickly Mom can wind

me up again with fear and guilt and dread.

I used to travel a lot for work and pleasure. In the weeks before my last

few big trips, my mother would call me endlessly, many times a day, saying

how scared she was that we would never see each other again -- that I would

die during my trip (you know, plane crash, car crash, abduction, terrorist

attack) or she would die during my trip (you know, home alone, sudden

illness). This made me so nervous that I considered cancelling my trips, but

then I remembered that my grandmother -- her mother -- used to do that to

her. I think Grandma had BPD too. When I was little and my parents planned

summer vacations, Grandma would say to Mom, " How can you do this, how can you

leave two old parents behind??? " No matter that they had another adult

child to help them out.

BPDs are so depressed and have such a fear of abandonment that it's hard

for them to handle their kids going off without them to have fun.

[Guest guest]

I'm coming late to this discussion, but it resonated with me so much I

wanted to reply.

My mother too did this. She was always firm in her belief that something

tragic would happen to her or a family member while traveling, so much so

that the house had to be spotless before leaving so that when people came in

after the death they wouldn't think badly of us.

It wasn't until years later that my daughter pointed out to me that I had

this flea - of course back then I didn't call it a flea - and I literally

white-knuckle forced myself to overcome it. I still struggle with this. Today

we were going out to buy a Christmas tree and I had to wear imaginary

blinders to not see the dishes in the sink.

In later years she tried to manipulate us to stay home. The last major trip

DH and I took was for a month, driving from our Florida home out west. The

night before we took her to dinner, and DD drove her home, where she faked

a fall going in the door in an attempt to keep us for leaving.

DD was savvy enough to see through it and didn't tell about this until we

were two states away, lol.

The sad thing is, she laid her bpd hysterical manipulations and psychosis

on my daughter when she was very young. DH and I would occasionally leave

her with my parents ( remember we thought she was a difficult mother but

didn't realize she was insane, and in many ways they were fine grandparents.)

DD told me years after the fact that on one such trip Nada became

hysterical, screaming and carrying on that we were dead, she could feel it, she

knew it, etc., and kept this up until my father, the most mild-mannered man in

the world, yelled at her to stop because she was frightening my EIGHT YEAR

OLD DAUGHTER!!!!. Whom he took into another room and calmed down.

I was horrified and truly regret not knowing this, because believe me, she

would never ever have spent a night under that roof if I had known about

this insanity. Unfortunately I have blocked out so much that anything such as

this that happened to me is not available to my memory, so I never

expected it to happen to my daughter.

Anyway, I also understand the Nada who exaggerates illness - glaucoma

becomes incapacitating blindness, etc., and as a writer who routinely works to

major deadlines, I have often dealt with the faked fall, imaginary illness,

unexplainable dizzy spells - at one point Nada went from doctor to doctor

because she felt " motion " and finally was put on Paxil. She took it until

she saw an ad and realized what it was really for. Oh well. Now she's in a

nursing home and they are handling most of this.

Really, though, if you are planning a trip or big event and Nada becomes

ill, real or imaginary, well, the way I came to view it is this: That's what

the professionals at the hospitals are for. On more than one occasion when

Nada wanted me to rush to her house I picked up the phone, dialed 911 and

had paramedics sent to her house, only later going to the ER to find out

what was really going on. It wasn't easy given the FOG rolling in, and

sometimes it left me feeling enervated for weeks, but the more I did it the

easier

it got.

In a message dated 12/7/2010 10:56:07 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anneli@... writes:

R/W, thanks for posting!

I think the sensations you're having right now are another classic aspect

of BPD upbringings -- these gloom-and-doom things are manipulative, but

they're also really scary. How on earth can we determine whether it's real or

yet another " boy-cried-wolf " drama designed to get something out of us --

in your case, could it be that your mother has issues with your planned

vacation and her anxiety exacerbated the current medical crisis?

I too am an only child. My BPD mother does have actual health problems, as

she is much older than yours, but she also does the " I'm not feeling well,

this could be something serious, but I'd be better off dead anyway because

then everyone would be glad and relieved " thing quite often. I never know

where to turn, as she has a history of bending the truth and having

distorted perceptions that she really believes are true. As I live hundreds of

miles away, I too feel guilty and mistrustful and angry and sad and confused.

She lives alone but has a daily helper, and I check in with the helper to

get a sense of the real situation, but it's amazing how quickly Mom can wind

me up again with fear and guilt and dread.

I used to travel a lot for work and pleasure. In the weeks before my last

few big trips, my mother would call me endlessly, many times a day, saying

how scared she was that we would never see each other again -- that I would

die during my trip (you know, plane crash, car crash, abduction, terrorist

attack) or she would die during my trip (you know, home alone, sudden

illness). This made me so nervous that I considered cancelling my trips, but

then I remembered that my grandmother -- her mother -- used to do that to

her. I think Grandma had BPD too. When I was little and my parents planned

summer vacations, Grandma would say to Mom, " How can you do this, how can you

leave two old parents behind??? " No matter that they had another adult

child to help them out.

BPDs are so depressed and have such a fear of abandonment that it's hard

for them to handle their kids going off without them to have fun.

[Guest guest]

I'm coming late to this discussion, but it resonated with me so much I

wanted to reply.

My mother too did this. She was always firm in her belief that something

tragic would happen to her or a family member while traveling, so much so

that the house had to be spotless before leaving so that when people came in

after the death they wouldn't think badly of us.

It wasn't until years later that my daughter pointed out to me that I had

this flea - of course back then I didn't call it a flea - and I literally

white-knuckle forced myself to overcome it. I still struggle with this. Today

we were going out to buy a Christmas tree and I had to wear imaginary

blinders to not see the dishes in the sink.

In later years she tried to manipulate us to stay home. The last major trip

DH and I took was for a month, driving from our Florida home out west. The

night before we took her to dinner, and DD drove her home, where she faked

a fall going in the door in an attempt to keep us for leaving.

DD was savvy enough to see through it and didn't tell about this until we

were two states away, lol.

The sad thing is, she laid her bpd hysterical manipulations and psychosis

on my daughter when she was very young. DH and I would occasionally leave

her with my parents ( remember we thought she was a difficult mother but

didn't realize she was insane, and in many ways they were fine grandparents.)

DD told me years after the fact that on one such trip Nada became

hysterical, screaming and carrying on that we were dead, she could feel it, she

knew it, etc., and kept this up until my father, the most mild-mannered man in

the world, yelled at her to stop because she was frightening my EIGHT YEAR

OLD DAUGHTER!!!!. Whom he took into another room and calmed down.

I was horrified and truly regret not knowing this, because believe me, she

would never ever have spent a night under that roof if I had known about

this insanity. Unfortunately I have blocked out so much that anything such as

this that happened to me is not available to my memory, so I never

expected it to happen to my daughter.

Anyway, I also understand the Nada who exaggerates illness - glaucoma

becomes incapacitating blindness, etc., and as a writer who routinely works to

major deadlines, I have often dealt with the faked fall, imaginary illness,

unexplainable dizzy spells - at one point Nada went from doctor to doctor

because she felt " motion " and finally was put on Paxil. She took it until

she saw an ad and realized what it was really for. Oh well. Now she's in a

nursing home and they are handling most of this.

Really, though, if you are planning a trip or big event and Nada becomes

ill, real or imaginary, well, the way I came to view it is this: That's what

the professionals at the hospitals are for. On more than one occasion when

Nada wanted me to rush to her house I picked up the phone, dialed 911 and

had paramedics sent to her house, only later going to the ER to find out

what was really going on. It wasn't easy given the FOG rolling in, and

sometimes it left me feeling enervated for weeks, but the more I did it the

easier

it got.

In a message dated 12/7/2010 10:56:07 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anneli@... writes:

R/W, thanks for posting!

I think the sensations you're having right now are another classic aspect

of BPD upbringings -- these gloom-and-doom things are manipulative, but

they're also really scary. How on earth can we determine whether it's real or

yet another " boy-cried-wolf " drama designed to get something out of us --

in your case, could it be that your mother has issues with your planned

vacation and her anxiety exacerbated the current medical crisis?

I too am an only child. My BPD mother does have actual health problems, as

she is much older than yours, but she also does the " I'm not feeling well,

this could be something serious, but I'd be better off dead anyway because

then everyone would be glad and relieved " thing quite often. I never know

where to turn, as she has a history of bending the truth and having

distorted perceptions that she really believes are true. As I live hundreds of

miles away, I too feel guilty and mistrustful and angry and sad and confused.

She lives alone but has a daily helper, and I check in with the helper to

get a sense of the real situation, but it's amazing how quickly Mom can wind

me up again with fear and guilt and dread.

I used to travel a lot for work and pleasure. In the weeks before my last

few big trips, my mother would call me endlessly, many times a day, saying

how scared she was that we would never see each other again -- that I would

die during my trip (you know, plane crash, car crash, abduction, terrorist

attack) or she would die during my trip (you know, home alone, sudden

illness). This made me so nervous that I considered cancelling my trips, but

then I remembered that my grandmother -- her mother -- used to do that to

her. I think Grandma had BPD too. When I was little and my parents planned

summer vacations, Grandma would say to Mom, " How can you do this, how can you

leave two old parents behind??? " No matter that they had another adult

child to help them out.

BPDs are so depressed and have such a fear of abandonment that it's hard

for them to handle their kids going off without them to have fun.