Re: Had Kind of a Crappy Thanksgiving

November 26, 2010

>

> Believe me, for her, she was on her best behavior, but I just couldn't help

putting off a hate vibe toward her all day. My kid kept asking me what was

wrong. It ended up basically ruining both our Thanksgivings and I still feel

like crap because of it. I'd just like to enjoy the holidays for once.

>

Her best behavior still sounds pretty crappy. That was very compassionate of

you to care about including her on the holiday so she wouldn't be alone. But it

sounds like you learned that it wasn't worth it, so next time, you can remember

this experience and not feel so guilty when you don't invite her. Have a little

compassion on yourself, too.

November 26, 2010

Thanks. But I'll invite her again, believe me. She's almost 70 and I just can't

shake the feeling that I'm a monster if I completely turn my back on my little

old mother.

Having said that, I probably won't talk to her much until Christmas rolls

around.

>

> >

> > Believe me, for her, she was on her best behavior, but I just couldn't help

putting off a hate vibe toward her all day. My kid kept asking me what was

wrong. It ended up basically ruining both our Thanksgivings and I still feel

like crap because of it. I'd just like to enjoy the holidays for once.

> >

>

> Her best behavior still sounds pretty crappy. That was very compassionate of

you to care about including her on the holiday so she wouldn't be alone. But it

sounds like you learned that it wasn't worth it, so next time, you can remember

this experience and not feel so guilty when you don't invite her. Have a little

compassion on yourself, too.

>

November 26, 2010

I can relate. Its hard to be around someone who has hurt you in the past, or

has exploited you or manipulated you and is likely to do so again. It makes a

visit very tense and stressful. Your nada sounds like a Waif/Hermit who expects

you to parent her and fill the unfillable black hole of need inside her; I agree

that her inappropriate and intrusive questions about your material possessions

are really annoying. Being around someone who is so rude makes me irritable

too.

My suggestion is that maybe next year you and your family could take your nada

to dinner at a restaurant before Thanksgiving (to cut down on the amount of time

of the visit) so you can have your own Thanksgiving dinner privately or with

friends of your choice.

It's your nada's responsibility to be sociable and make friends of her own.

Maybe you could encourage her to join groups and clubs that are low cost or free

in your area. Fellowship and socializing is a large part of what churches

offer, too. The hobby/interest groups I belong to have members of all ages, for

example. Most towns have free or reduced-cost transportation of some kind for

seniors and the disabled these days, as well as senior centers that offer

various activities, opportunities for doing charity work, and day-trips.

Its not your job to do things for nada that she should be doing for herself and

is capable of doing for herself, but if you encourage her to become more

sociable and have friends and activities of her own, then there is a better

chance that she will become less emotionally dependent on you.

-Annie

>

> Invited my Nada because I feel sorry for her all alone on the holidays. She

didn't do anything horribly wrong, but from the second I picked her up (because,

of course, she has no car) I wanted to punch her in the face. Everything that

came out of her mouth worked on my last nerve. She also has to prowl through my

house, fondling everything and asking weird questions like how much things cost

or if the rhinestones I'm wearing in my ears are real diamonds or if the cheap

necklace I'm wearing is made of silver. (She never says it outright, but I

always know that lurking very near the surface is the question: " If you can

afford all this, why can't you help me out more financially? " ) I finally asked

her to stop snooping through mine and my husband's bedroom, so then she started

drinking, I guess to cut down on tension, but then that makes her act even

weirder.

>

> Believe me, for her, she was on her best behavior, but I just couldn't help

putting off a hate vibe toward her all day. My kid kept asking me what was

wrong. It ended up basically ruining both our Thanksgivings and I still feel

like crap because of it. I'd just like to enjoy the holidays for once.

>

November 26, 2010

Thanks Annie. Yep. Hermit/Waif.

I know, I know. I know it's her responsibilty to make friends and I have to say

that most of the year, I understand that. But there's something about the

holidays that are the last hurdle I can't seem to get over. I still feel like

it's my responsibility to at least see to it that she's around family for

holidays. (Please don't take this as me blowing you off. I'm not. I'm just

saying that I can't seem to follow all the good advice yet. I'm getting there.)

There were actually a couple of funny things that came out of this last visit:

1) My mom lives on a street that's backed by commercial properties. She claims

that an optomitrist on the other side of the block has bought one of the houses

down the street from her and is extending his parking lot into her neighborhood.

" That's illegal! " she told me. " Then call the city, " I said. " If it's not zoned

commercial, he can't do that. " She claims that she has, but the city won't do

anything about it.

Then she said she walked down there to see what was going on with the

development and " A man in a bulldozer came at me! "

BWAA HAA! I'm sure a man in a bulldozer came at her. she's always coming up with

someone who's out to get her. It still makes me laugh.

So then she had to bring her dog to my house because he stays outside and she

was just sure that someone from the Optometrist's office was going to do

something to her dog. On Thanksgiving Day.

Right.

Oh, and she just called me a little bit ago to say what a nice visit it was.

(????) Then she said that one of the pictures on my wall doesn't quite go with

the others and that she was going to get me another one to replace it.

" I like my wall just fine, thank you, " I said.

:)

November 26, 2010

Getting over the idea that it is somehow your responsibility to

do what your nada wants can be hard. Would it help to think

about the idea that your primary responsibility is to your kid,

not your mother? If your mother is making you miserable to the

point where your kid is asking what's wrong, then it seems to me

that you should do what needs to be done to give your kid a good

holiday. Taking a good hard look at what your priorities should

be can sometimes lift some of the FOG and make these decisions

much clearer.

At 12:32 PM 11/26/2010 ambertolina wrote:

>Thanks Annie. Yep. Hermit/Waif.

>

>I know, I know. I know it's her responsibilty to make friends

>and I have to say that most of the year, I understand that. But

>there's something about the holidays that are the last hurdle I

>can't seem to get over. I still feel like it's my

>responsibility to at least see to it that she's around family

>for holidays. (Please don't take this as me blowing you off.

>I'm not. I'm just saying that I can't seem to follow all the

>good advice yet. I'm getting there.)

>

>There were actually a couple of funny things that came out of

>this last visit:

>

>1) My mom lives on a street that's backed by commercial

>properties. She claims that an optomitrist on the other side of

>the block has bought one of the houses down the street from her

>and is extending his parking lot into her neighborhood. " That's

>illegal! " she told me. " Then call the city, " I said. " If it's

>not zoned commercial, he can't do that. " She claims that she

>has, but the city won't do anything about it.

>

>Then she said she walked down there to see what was going on

>with the development and " A man in a bulldozer came at me! "

>

>BWAA HAA! I'm sure a man in a bulldozer came at her. she's

>always coming up with someone who's out to get her. It still

>makes me laugh.

>

>So then she had to bring her dog to my house because he stays

>outside and she was just sure that someone from the

>Optometrist's office was going to do something to her dog. On

>Thanksgiving Day.

>

>Right.

>

>Oh, and she just called me a little bit ago to say what a nice

>visit it was. (????) Then she said that one of the pictures on

>my wall doesn't quite go with the others and that she was going

>to get me another one to replace it.

>

> " I like my wall just fine, thank you, " I said.

>

> :)

--

Katrina

November 27, 2010

Hi Annie,

Great suggestion about meeting nada at a restaurant. I will DEFINITELY be using

this suggestion in the future. This will resolve a lot of problems for my

husband and kids! We are already doing this with the in-laws with great

success. My son gets to hang around his uncle, my husband and I bite our

tongues when he talks about how great everyone is. So everybody's happy.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. I have instituted my own rule that I will only be around nada, foo and

flying monkeys with others present. I don't even get a racing heart now when I

think about visiting. I still feel sick when the phone rings, though. Advice

for that? :-)

>>

> My suggestion is that maybe next year you and your family could take your nada

to dinner at a restaurant before Thanksgiving (to cut down on the amount of time

of the visit) so you can have your own Thanksgiving dinner privately or with

friends of your choice.

> > -Annie

>

November 27, 2010

Dear Katrina,

I will also think about my primary responsibility to my children. This is an

excellent point which will help me make healthier decisions!

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Getting over the idea that it is somehow your responsibility to

> do what your nada wants can be hard. Would it help to think

> about the idea that your primary responsibility is to your kid,

> not your mother? If your mother is making you miserable to the

> point where your kid is asking what's wrong, then it seems to me

> that you should do what needs to be done to give your kid a good

> holiday. Taking a good hard look at what your priorities should

> be can sometimes lift some of the FOG and make these decisions

> much clearer.

>

November 27, 2010

Big thumb's up of approval from me, good problem-solving! My nada always

behaves herself better in public, so, I give that suggestion to meet at

restaurants from experience.

RE the phone; you are not obligated to respond to frequent, intrusive phone

calls from nada.

Some phone service providers give you the option of diverting specified numbers

directly to an answering machine, where you then have the option of listening to

the messages, ignoring them or deleting them unheard.

Some phone service providers or the phone itself offers you different ringtones

for different numbers, so you'll know when its nada phoning you and can ignore

it.

My phone displays the number of the person who's calling.

Or you can set a boundary with nada, such as " I'll phone you every Thursday at

2pm, mom, and we can have a nice talk. That's the best I can do, things are

getting very busy around here now. Thanks for understanding. " The unstated

boundary is that you will not answer any calls from her; its just the one call

from you a week.

(or whatever frequency and duration works for you.)

-Annie

> >>

> > My suggestion is that maybe next year you and your family could take your

nada to dinner at a restaurant before Thanksgiving (to cut down on the amount of

time of the visit) so you can have your own Thanksgiving dinner privately or

with friends of your choice.

> > > -Annie

> >

>

November 27, 2010

Ugh! Sounds like a total nada thing to do! It is always our responsibility to

rescue them! Never mind the fact that we have had to not only give up our

childhood to be a parent to the nada, we have to rescue them from everything

else too.

I am sorry that you had to put up with this on Thanksgiving. You should be able

to decorate your house exactly how you want without nada saying anything (I know

what you mean! My nada did everything she could to try and tell me how to

decorate my apartment).

-Jade

November 27, 2010

Thanks again. I think I will start with the ringtone. I could set it to

something funny that would make me laugh. I already changed my foo names in the

address book, so it shows " nada " calling. That actually helped a lot because I

was able to detach when calling her back. Something about seeing the word " mom "

used to bother me. Between the word " mom " on the screen and her invitation for

her grandson to go to church - she had a pretty good FOG going.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Big thumb's up of approval from me, good problem-solving! My nada always

behaves herself better in public, so, I give that suggestion to meet at

restaurants from experience.

>

> RE the phone; you are not obligated to respond to frequent, intrusive phone

calls from nada.

>

> Some phone service providers give you the option of diverting specified

numbers directly to an answering machine, where you then have the option of

listening to the messages, ignoring them or deleting them unheard.

>

> Some phone service providers or the phone itself offers you different

ringtones for different numbers, so you'll know when its nada phoning you and

can ignore it.

>

> My phone displays the number of the person who's calling.

>

> Or you can set a boundary with nada, such as " I'll phone you every Thursday at

2pm, mom, and we can have a nice talk. That's the best I can do, things are

getting very busy around here now. Thanks for understanding. " The unstated

boundary is that you will not answer any calls from her; its just the one call

from you a week.

> (or whatever frequency and duration works for you.)

>

> -Annie

>

November 27, 2010

Thanks again. I think I will start with the ringtone. I could set it to

something funny that would make me laugh. I already changed my foo names in the

address book, so it shows " nada " calling. That actually helped a lot because I

was able to detach when calling her back. Something about seeing the word " mom "

used to bother me. Between the word " mom " on the screen and her invitation for

her grandson to go to church - she had a pretty good FOG going.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Big thumb's up of approval from me, good problem-solving! My nada always

behaves herself better in public, so, I give that suggestion to meet at

restaurants from experience.

>

> RE the phone; you are not obligated to respond to frequent, intrusive phone

calls from nada.

>

> Some phone service providers give you the option of diverting specified

numbers directly to an answering machine, where you then have the option of

listening to the messages, ignoring them or deleting them unheard.

>

> Some phone service providers or the phone itself offers you different

ringtones for different numbers, so you'll know when its nada phoning you and

can ignore it.

>

> My phone displays the number of the person who's calling.

>

> Or you can set a boundary with nada, such as " I'll phone you every Thursday at

2pm, mom, and we can have a nice talk. That's the best I can do, things are

getting very busy around here now. Thanks for understanding. " The unstated

boundary is that you will not answer any calls from her; its just the one call

from you a week.

> (or whatever frequency and duration works for you.)

>

> -Annie

>

November 27, 2010

Thanks again. I think I will start with the ringtone. I could set it to

something funny that would make me laugh. I already changed my foo names in the

address book, so it shows " nada " calling. That actually helped a lot because I

was able to detach when calling her back. Something about seeing the word " mom "

used to bother me. Between the word " mom " on the screen and her invitation for

her grandson to go to church - she had a pretty good FOG going.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Big thumb's up of approval from me, good problem-solving! My nada always

behaves herself better in public, so, I give that suggestion to meet at

restaurants from experience.

>

> RE the phone; you are not obligated to respond to frequent, intrusive phone

calls from nada.

>

> Some phone service providers give you the option of diverting specified

numbers directly to an answering machine, where you then have the option of

listening to the messages, ignoring them or deleting them unheard.

>

> Some phone service providers or the phone itself offers you different

ringtones for different numbers, so you'll know when its nada phoning you and

can ignore it.

>

> My phone displays the number of the person who's calling.

>

> Or you can set a boundary with nada, such as " I'll phone you every Thursday at

2pm, mom, and we can have a nice talk. That's the best I can do, things are

getting very busy around here now. Thanks for understanding. " The unstated

boundary is that you will not answer any calls from her; its just the one call

from you a week.

> (or whatever frequency and duration works for you.)

>

> -Annie

>

November 27, 2010

I was thinking about your advice today. My husband is home for Thanksgiving and

was working on putting up a shelf and fixing the dog run. I was in here reading

your posts. I started in with some self-imposed guilt and then let it go. I am

a pretty serious workaholic, so coming in here at all is a big step.

I was even able to have a conversation in my mind and didn't have to drag him

through the whole thing. I just said to myself, " Dwight is getting the house

ready so we can clean up in preparation for Christmas decorations. I am tending

to my mental minefield so the kids can enjoy that Christmas. I am not lazy. I

am working too - working on being a better person. "

I want to be better for me, for him, and for these children. They are so sweet

and innocent. I want to be kind and happy for them.