Re: Well Annie, you were right, and I need advice from as many people as possible

[Guest guest]

Of course, you did the right thing to leave! If I even spent holidays with my

mother anymore, this is the point at which I would have left:

>

>

She began to scream at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! "

And, if I heard her yelling and calling names to my father, even in her house,

I'd ask her not to do that while I'm there.

kt

[Guest guest]

Wow. (Holy Canole!) In my opinion, yes, your leaving was the right thing to do

and the safest.

Your nada's behavior is toxic and hostile in the extreme (in my opinion) and

very abusive. It *sounds* like she hates all of you deeply; if not, she's

giving a really good impression of it.

My speculation (as an outside observer) is that your dad has low self-esteem and

no boundaries himself; he probably allowed his wife to verbally abuse him

starting early in their marriage, so you grew up experiencing extreme verbal

abuse as " normal. "

But verbal abuse isn't normal, its horrid.

The pattern seems to be that both you and your dad allow nada to attack you for

quite a long time and just ignore her provocations, but then finally when you do

respond it generates the predictable results: a fight.

RE what to do about it: *only you* can decide for yourself what you can and

can't tolerate, and what you are willing to do about it; that is totally your

own path. Its very personal and individual.

But my suggestion (just my two cents worth, to take or leave as you will) is to

respond to the *very first* ugly insult immediately with a very clear

consequence.

For example, when she screamed at you in the laundry, you'd calmly and neutrally

reply, " I'm sorry I dropped the lid, but I won't stay and listen when you scream

at me and call me a moron, mother. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

So, you're not telling her she's wrong, you're not calling her any names, you're

not playing her " game " , you're just stating your boundary, which is: " no

name-calling. "

Your nada's " game " is to poke, and poke, and poke, and poke you with a sharp

stick until you poke her back, then the fight she wanted to provoke is on!

If you just say right up front (very calmly and politely) at the first poke,

" I'm not for calling names, mother. I'm leaving now " then you're not rewarding

her with the fight she wanted. You're exiting the game. Sometimes the only way

to " win " is to not play the game.

Its pointless to tell nada what's wrong with her, it just gives her ammunition

to fire at you. You just say, " *I'm* not going to stay when you do (that) or

say (that) to me. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

Which you can do on the phone as well. No more listening for more than 1.5

seconds when she says hateful, insulting things to you either on the phone or in

person. No more ignoring it and letting it go on and on and on. I believe the

new policy (immediate consequence for unacceptable behavior) will get you better

results, eventually. Your nada sounds very entrenched in her toxic behaviors so

it may take a very long time. You may even have to cut off contact for a while,

then try again, a few times.

Unfortunately, you can't rescue your dad; setting this kind of boundary is just

about you. He is an adult and must set his own boundaries RE how she treats

him, if he even wants to. Its sad, but if you try to intervene and " protect "

him, it will likely just make things worse for him.

So, anyway. Agai, only you can figure out what will work for you, and what you

can live with. In my opinion your nada is very clearly mentally ill and

viciously abusive, and she's been *allowed* to act out this way (very much like

a bully) with no meaningful consequences for a long, long time. Your path won't

be easy if you choose to start establishing boundaries and enforcing

consequences with your nada, but, it won't be any worse than you have it right

now, seems to me.

-Annie

>

> Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would shriek at me

and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

> I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I could

already hear her starting in my father. No matter what the poor man did, it was

not good enough. He did everything she ordered him to do to help her with the

turkey, but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my personal

(sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to stay out of her way. I

did all the cleaning she asked me to do (cleaning that she NEVER does, because

she feels that it is our duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt

enough. I was in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it happens). She began to scream

at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her

" Mom, it was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to take a

joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a duplicate of last year, were

you RUINED thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

> So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg shells. Nothing we

did was right or good enough. Once all the work was over, we sat down to watch

a movie while we waited for the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a

cocktail, and as my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get drunk. " Mind you, she has

never been drunk in front of me, so this was only said to hurt me. My fiance

came over and we had paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting

and talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was in the

kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that my fiance and I really

liked and she gave us the dirtiest look and said to us: " The two of you are so

f*cking lame. " She was NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

> Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to handle the

situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep the mood light because my

poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his parents dont talk to him like that). I

said back: " You're lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight drunk) and I was

not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a drunk. "

>

> Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something to you. To my

mother, there is nothing funnier in the world then calling me a " Wh*re " a

" bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called me these things numerous times, claiming

they were a joke. She calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has

even called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these things.

>

> So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out of my mouth, I

realized what I had done, I had given her a great excuse to start a fight. She

said: " Real nice, you drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She said: " You

should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a problem! " Believe me, I am

not an alcoholic, I do not have a problem with alcohol in the least.

>

> We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking or talking to

my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both of my parents were falling

asleep in front of the tv. Before I went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to

help out in the kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

anything. "

>

> As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was 11 p.m., only

an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father: " Not only does she refuse to

help me out in the kitchen, she calls me a whore in my own house on

thanksgiving! " Thats when it blew up. I said " You have called me those things

on a daily basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have heard

you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a holiday. " Thats when my

father intervened and took my side. My nada told me that I was no good and that

my fiance would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing when I

called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I would be all on my own.

She accused me of thinking that since I was engaged, I felt like I could dump

her and my father. I have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She began to accuse

my father of cheating on her. My dad and I went upstairs and We talked. I

decided that it was time for me to leave and go back to my apartment. After

all, it just would have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and

left.

>

> I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this point, she had

locked herself in the bathroom (one of her favorite moves). I pulled out of the

garage, and she came outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really leaving. " I gave her back

the a paper advent calander and the bottle of soap she gave me. As I was

pulling out of the drive way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just

stay out of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out, she told

me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her: " I tried to make it right,

you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The ramifications of this will be felt for a

long time. " and my father was blamed for me leaving.

>

> I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do the right

thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag anymore. Had I stayed, we would have

been fighting until 4 a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said

to me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt want to leave,

but I felt like I had no choice.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. (Holy Canole!) In my opinion, yes, your leaving was the right thing to do

and the safest.

Your nada's behavior is toxic and hostile in the extreme (in my opinion) and

very abusive. It *sounds* like she hates all of you deeply; if not, she's

giving a really good impression of it.

My speculation (as an outside observer) is that your dad has low self-esteem and

no boundaries himself; he probably allowed his wife to verbally abuse him

starting early in their marriage, so you grew up experiencing extreme verbal

abuse as " normal. "

But verbal abuse isn't normal, its horrid.

The pattern seems to be that both you and your dad allow nada to attack you for

quite a long time and just ignore her provocations, but then finally when you do

respond it generates the predictable results: a fight.

RE what to do about it: *only you* can decide for yourself what you can and

can't tolerate, and what you are willing to do about it; that is totally your

own path. Its very personal and individual.

But my suggestion (just my two cents worth, to take or leave as you will) is to

respond to the *very first* ugly insult immediately with a very clear

consequence.

For example, when she screamed at you in the laundry, you'd calmly and neutrally

reply, " I'm sorry I dropped the lid, but I won't stay and listen when you scream

at me and call me a moron, mother. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

So, you're not telling her she's wrong, you're not calling her any names, you're

not playing her " game " , you're just stating your boundary, which is: " no

name-calling. "

Your nada's " game " is to poke, and poke, and poke, and poke you with a sharp

stick until you poke her back, then the fight she wanted to provoke is on!

If you just say right up front (very calmly and politely) at the first poke,

" I'm not for calling names, mother. I'm leaving now " then you're not rewarding

her with the fight she wanted. You're exiting the game. Sometimes the only way

to " win " is to not play the game.

Its pointless to tell nada what's wrong with her, it just gives her ammunition

to fire at you. You just say, " *I'm* not going to stay when you do (that) or

say (that) to me. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

Which you can do on the phone as well. No more listening for more than 1.5

seconds when she says hateful, insulting things to you either on the phone or in

person. No more ignoring it and letting it go on and on and on. I believe the

new policy (immediate consequence for unacceptable behavior) will get you better

results, eventually. Your nada sounds very entrenched in her toxic behaviors so

it may take a very long time. You may even have to cut off contact for a while,

then try again, a few times.

Unfortunately, you can't rescue your dad; setting this kind of boundary is just

about you. He is an adult and must set his own boundaries RE how she treats

him, if he even wants to. Its sad, but if you try to intervene and " protect "

him, it will likely just make things worse for him.

So, anyway. Agai, only you can figure out what will work for you, and what you

can live with. In my opinion your nada is very clearly mentally ill and

viciously abusive, and she's been *allowed* to act out this way (very much like

a bully) with no meaningful consequences for a long, long time. Your path won't

be easy if you choose to start establishing boundaries and enforcing

consequences with your nada, but, it won't be any worse than you have it right

now, seems to me.

-Annie

>

> Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would shriek at me

and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

> I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I could

already hear her starting in my father. No matter what the poor man did, it was

not good enough. He did everything she ordered him to do to help her with the

turkey, but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my personal

(sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to stay out of her way. I

did all the cleaning she asked me to do (cleaning that she NEVER does, because

she feels that it is our duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt

enough. I was in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it happens). She began to scream

at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her

" Mom, it was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to take a

joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a duplicate of last year, were

you RUINED thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

> So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg shells. Nothing we

did was right or good enough. Once all the work was over, we sat down to watch

a movie while we waited for the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a

cocktail, and as my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get drunk. " Mind you, she has

never been drunk in front of me, so this was only said to hurt me. My fiance

came over and we had paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting

and talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was in the

kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that my fiance and I really

liked and she gave us the dirtiest look and said to us: " The two of you are so

f*cking lame. " She was NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

> Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to handle the

situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep the mood light because my

poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his parents dont talk to him like that). I

said back: " You're lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight drunk) and I was

not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a drunk. "

>

> Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something to you. To my

mother, there is nothing funnier in the world then calling me a " Wh*re " a

" bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called me these things numerous times, claiming

they were a joke. She calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has

even called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these things.

>

> So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out of my mouth, I

realized what I had done, I had given her a great excuse to start a fight. She

said: " Real nice, you drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She said: " You

should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a problem! " Believe me, I am

not an alcoholic, I do not have a problem with alcohol in the least.

>

> We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking or talking to

my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both of my parents were falling

asleep in front of the tv. Before I went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to

help out in the kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

anything. "

>

> As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was 11 p.m., only

an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father: " Not only does she refuse to

help me out in the kitchen, she calls me a whore in my own house on

thanksgiving! " Thats when it blew up. I said " You have called me those things

on a daily basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have heard

you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a holiday. " Thats when my

father intervened and took my side. My nada told me that I was no good and that

my fiance would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing when I

called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I would be all on my own.

She accused me of thinking that since I was engaged, I felt like I could dump

her and my father. I have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She began to accuse

my father of cheating on her. My dad and I went upstairs and We talked. I

decided that it was time for me to leave and go back to my apartment. After

all, it just would have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and

left.

>

> I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this point, she had

locked herself in the bathroom (one of her favorite moves). I pulled out of the

garage, and she came outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really leaving. " I gave her back

the a paper advent calander and the bottle of soap she gave me. As I was

pulling out of the drive way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just

stay out of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out, she told

me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her: " I tried to make it right,

you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The ramifications of this will be felt for a

long time. " and my father was blamed for me leaving.

>

> I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do the right

thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag anymore. Had I stayed, we would have

been fighting until 4 a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said

to me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt want to leave,

but I felt like I had no choice.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. (Holy Canole!) In my opinion, yes, your leaving was the right thing to do

and the safest.

Your nada's behavior is toxic and hostile in the extreme (in my opinion) and

very abusive. It *sounds* like she hates all of you deeply; if not, she's

giving a really good impression of it.

My speculation (as an outside observer) is that your dad has low self-esteem and

no boundaries himself; he probably allowed his wife to verbally abuse him

starting early in their marriage, so you grew up experiencing extreme verbal

abuse as " normal. "

But verbal abuse isn't normal, its horrid.

The pattern seems to be that both you and your dad allow nada to attack you for

quite a long time and just ignore her provocations, but then finally when you do

respond it generates the predictable results: a fight.

RE what to do about it: *only you* can decide for yourself what you can and

can't tolerate, and what you are willing to do about it; that is totally your

own path. Its very personal and individual.

But my suggestion (just my two cents worth, to take or leave as you will) is to

respond to the *very first* ugly insult immediately with a very clear

consequence.

For example, when she screamed at you in the laundry, you'd calmly and neutrally

reply, " I'm sorry I dropped the lid, but I won't stay and listen when you scream

at me and call me a moron, mother. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

So, you're not telling her she's wrong, you're not calling her any names, you're

not playing her " game " , you're just stating your boundary, which is: " no

name-calling. "

Your nada's " game " is to poke, and poke, and poke, and poke you with a sharp

stick until you poke her back, then the fight she wanted to provoke is on!

If you just say right up front (very calmly and politely) at the first poke,

" I'm not for calling names, mother. I'm leaving now " then you're not rewarding

her with the fight she wanted. You're exiting the game. Sometimes the only way

to " win " is to not play the game.

Its pointless to tell nada what's wrong with her, it just gives her ammunition

to fire at you. You just say, " *I'm* not going to stay when you do (that) or

say (that) to me. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

Which you can do on the phone as well. No more listening for more than 1.5

seconds when she says hateful, insulting things to you either on the phone or in

person. No more ignoring it and letting it go on and on and on. I believe the

new policy (immediate consequence for unacceptable behavior) will get you better

results, eventually. Your nada sounds very entrenched in her toxic behaviors so

it may take a very long time. You may even have to cut off contact for a while,

then try again, a few times.

Unfortunately, you can't rescue your dad; setting this kind of boundary is just

about you. He is an adult and must set his own boundaries RE how she treats

him, if he even wants to. Its sad, but if you try to intervene and " protect "

him, it will likely just make things worse for him.

So, anyway. Agai, only you can figure out what will work for you, and what you

can live with. In my opinion your nada is very clearly mentally ill and

viciously abusive, and she's been *allowed* to act out this way (very much like

a bully) with no meaningful consequences for a long, long time. Your path won't

be easy if you choose to start establishing boundaries and enforcing

consequences with your nada, but, it won't be any worse than you have it right

now, seems to me.

-Annie

>

> Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would shriek at me

and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

> I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I could

already hear her starting in my father. No matter what the poor man did, it was

not good enough. He did everything she ordered him to do to help her with the

turkey, but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my personal

(sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to stay out of her way. I

did all the cleaning she asked me to do (cleaning that she NEVER does, because

she feels that it is our duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt

enough. I was in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it happens). She began to scream

at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her

" Mom, it was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to take a

joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a duplicate of last year, were

you RUINED thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

> So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg shells. Nothing we

did was right or good enough. Once all the work was over, we sat down to watch

a movie while we waited for the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a

cocktail, and as my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get drunk. " Mind you, she has

never been drunk in front of me, so this was only said to hurt me. My fiance

came over and we had paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting

and talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was in the

kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that my fiance and I really

liked and she gave us the dirtiest look and said to us: " The two of you are so

f*cking lame. " She was NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

> Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to handle the

situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep the mood light because my

poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his parents dont talk to him like that). I

said back: " You're lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight drunk) and I was

not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a drunk. "

>

> Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something to you. To my

mother, there is nothing funnier in the world then calling me a " Wh*re " a

" bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called me these things numerous times, claiming

they were a joke. She calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has

even called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these things.

>

> So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out of my mouth, I

realized what I had done, I had given her a great excuse to start a fight. She

said: " Real nice, you drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She said: " You

should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a problem! " Believe me, I am

not an alcoholic, I do not have a problem with alcohol in the least.

>

> We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking or talking to

my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both of my parents were falling

asleep in front of the tv. Before I went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to

help out in the kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

anything. "

>

> As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was 11 p.m., only

an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father: " Not only does she refuse to

help me out in the kitchen, she calls me a whore in my own house on

thanksgiving! " Thats when it blew up. I said " You have called me those things

on a daily basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have heard

you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a holiday. " Thats when my

father intervened and took my side. My nada told me that I was no good and that

my fiance would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing when I

called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I would be all on my own.

She accused me of thinking that since I was engaged, I felt like I could dump

her and my father. I have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She began to accuse

my father of cheating on her. My dad and I went upstairs and We talked. I

decided that it was time for me to leave and go back to my apartment. After

all, it just would have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and

left.

>

> I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this point, she had

locked herself in the bathroom (one of her favorite moves). I pulled out of the

garage, and she came outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really leaving. " I gave her back

the a paper advent calander and the bottle of soap she gave me. As I was

pulling out of the drive way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just

stay out of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out, she told

me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her: " I tried to make it right,

you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The ramifications of this will be felt for a

long time. " and my father was blamed for me leaving.

>

> I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do the right

thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag anymore. Had I stayed, we would have

been fighting until 4 a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said

to me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt want to leave,

but I felt like I had no choice.

>

[Guest guest]

I think leaving was the best thing you could do at that point.

In your place, I would have done it sooner.

The only way to not lose when a nada starts playing her game is

to not play at all. You can't win. Nothing you do will change

her, so removing yourself from the problem is the only workable

solution if she insists on continuing to act that way.

At 01:46 PM 11/26/2010 dawsonjade54 wrote:

>Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would

>shriek at me and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

>I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday

>morning, I could already hear her starting in my father. No

>matter what the poor man did, it was not good enough. He did

>everything she ordered him to do to help her with the turkey,

>but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my

>personal (sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to

>stay out of her way. I did all the cleaning she asked me to do

>(cleaning that she NEVER does, because she feels that it is our

>duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt enough. I was

>in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

>made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it

>happens). She began to scream at me and say things like

> " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her " Mom, it

>was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to

>take a joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a

>duplicate of last year, were you RUINED

>thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

>So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg

>shells. Nothing we did was right or good enough. Once all the

>work was over, we sat down to watch a movie while we waited for

>the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a cocktail, and as

>my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

>is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get

>drunk. " Mind you, she has never been drunk in front of me, so

>this was only said to hurt me. My fiance came over and we had

>paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting and

>talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was

>in the kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that

>my fiance and I really liked and she gave us the dirtiest look

>and said to us: " The two of you are so f*cking lame. " She was

>NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

>Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to

>handle the situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep

>the mood light because my poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his

>parents dont talk to him like that). I said back: " You're

>lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

>had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight

>drunk) and I was not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a

>drunk. "

>

>Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something

>to you. To my mother, there is nothing funnier in the world

>then calling me a " Wh*re " a " bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called

>me these things numerous times, claiming they were a joke. She

>calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has even

>called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these

>things.

>

>So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out

>of my mouth, I realized what I had done, I had given her a

>great excuse to start a fight. She said: " Real nice, you

>drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She

> said: " You should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a

> problem! " Believe me, I am not an alcoholic, I do not have a

> problem with alcohol in the least.

>

>We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking

>or talking to my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both

>of my parents were falling asleep in front of the tv. Before I

>went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to help out in the

>kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

>anything. "

>

>As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was

>11 p.m., only an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father:

> " Not only does she refuse to help me out in the kitchen, she

>calls me a whore in my own house on thanksgiving! " Thats when

>it blew up. I said " You have called me those things on a daily

>basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have

>heard you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a

>holiday. " Thats when my father intervened and took my

>side. My nada told me that I was no good and that my fiance

>would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing

>when I called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I

>would be all on my own. She accused me of thinking that since

>I was engaged, I felt like I could dump her and my father. I

>have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

>anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She

>began to accuse my father of cheating on her. My dad and I

>went upstairs and We talked. I decided that it was time for me

>to leave and go back to my apartment. After all, it just would

>have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and left.

>

>I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this

>point, she had locked herself in the bathroom (one of her

>favorite moves). I pulled out of the garage, and she came

>outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

>give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really

>leaving. " I gave her back the a paper advent calander and the

>bottle of soap she gave me. As I was pulling out of the drive

>way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just stay out

>of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out,

>she told me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her:

> " I tried to make it right, you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The

>ramifications of this will be felt for a long time. " and my

>father was blamed for me leaving.

>

>I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do

>the right thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag

>anymore. Had I stayed, we would have been fighting until 4

>a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said to

>me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt

>want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I think leaving was the best thing you could do at that point.

In your place, I would have done it sooner.

The only way to not lose when a nada starts playing her game is

to not play at all. You can't win. Nothing you do will change

her, so removing yourself from the problem is the only workable

solution if she insists on continuing to act that way.

At 01:46 PM 11/26/2010 dawsonjade54 wrote:

>Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would

>shriek at me and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

>I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday

>morning, I could already hear her starting in my father. No

>matter what the poor man did, it was not good enough. He did

>everything she ordered him to do to help her with the turkey,

>but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my

>personal (sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to

>stay out of her way. I did all the cleaning she asked me to do

>(cleaning that she NEVER does, because she feels that it is our

>duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt enough. I was

>in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

>made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it

>happens). She began to scream at me and say things like

> " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her " Mom, it

>was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to

>take a joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a

>duplicate of last year, were you RUINED

>thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

>So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg

>shells. Nothing we did was right or good enough. Once all the

>work was over, we sat down to watch a movie while we waited for

>the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a cocktail, and as

>my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

>is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get

>drunk. " Mind you, she has never been drunk in front of me, so

>this was only said to hurt me. My fiance came over and we had

>paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting and

>talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was

>in the kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that

>my fiance and I really liked and she gave us the dirtiest look

>and said to us: " The two of you are so f*cking lame. " She was

>NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

>Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to

>handle the situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep

>the mood light because my poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his

>parents dont talk to him like that). I said back: " You're

>lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

>had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight

>drunk) and I was not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a

>drunk. "

>

>Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something

>to you. To my mother, there is nothing funnier in the world

>then calling me a " Wh*re " a " bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called

>me these things numerous times, claiming they were a joke. She

>calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has even

>called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these

>things.

>

>So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out

>of my mouth, I realized what I had done, I had given her a

>great excuse to start a fight. She said: " Real nice, you

>drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She

> said: " You should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a

> problem! " Believe me, I am not an alcoholic, I do not have a

> problem with alcohol in the least.

>

>We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking

>or talking to my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both

>of my parents were falling asleep in front of the tv. Before I

>went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to help out in the

>kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

>anything. "

>

>As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was

>11 p.m., only an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father:

> " Not only does she refuse to help me out in the kitchen, she

>calls me a whore in my own house on thanksgiving! " Thats when

>it blew up. I said " You have called me those things on a daily

>basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have

>heard you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a

>holiday. " Thats when my father intervened and took my

>side. My nada told me that I was no good and that my fiance

>would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing

>when I called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I

>would be all on my own. She accused me of thinking that since

>I was engaged, I felt like I could dump her and my father. I

>have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

>anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She

>began to accuse my father of cheating on her. My dad and I

>went upstairs and We talked. I decided that it was time for me

>to leave and go back to my apartment. After all, it just would

>have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and left.

>

>I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this

>point, she had locked herself in the bathroom (one of her

>favorite moves). I pulled out of the garage, and she came

>outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

>give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really

>leaving. " I gave her back the a paper advent calander and the

>bottle of soap she gave me. As I was pulling out of the drive

>way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just stay out

>of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out,

>she told me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her:

> " I tried to make it right, you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The

>ramifications of this will be felt for a long time. " and my

>father was blamed for me leaving.

>

>I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do

>the right thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag

>anymore. Had I stayed, we would have been fighting until 4

>a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said to

>me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt

>want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I think leaving was the best thing you could do at that point.

In your place, I would have done it sooner.

The only way to not lose when a nada starts playing her game is

to not play at all. You can't win. Nothing you do will change

her, so removing yourself from the problem is the only workable

solution if she insists on continuing to act that way.

At 01:46 PM 11/26/2010 dawsonjade54 wrote:

>Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would

>shriek at me and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

>I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday

>morning, I could already hear her starting in my father. No

>matter what the poor man did, it was not good enough. He did

>everything she ordered him to do to help her with the turkey,

>but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my

>personal (sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to

>stay out of her way. I did all the cleaning she asked me to do

>(cleaning that she NEVER does, because she feels that it is our

>duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt enough. I was

>in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

>made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it

>happens). She began to scream at me and say things like

> " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her " Mom, it

>was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to

>take a joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a

>duplicate of last year, were you RUINED

>thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

>So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg

>shells. Nothing we did was right or good enough. Once all the

>work was over, we sat down to watch a movie while we waited for

>the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a cocktail, and as

>my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

>is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get

>drunk. " Mind you, she has never been drunk in front of me, so

>this was only said to hurt me. My fiance came over and we had

>paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting and

>talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was

>in the kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that

>my fiance and I really liked and she gave us the dirtiest look

>and said to us: " The two of you are so f*cking lame. " She was

>NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

>Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to

>handle the situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep

>the mood light because my poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his

>parents dont talk to him like that). I said back: " You're

>lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

>had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight

>drunk) and I was not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a

>drunk. "

>

>Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something

>to you. To my mother, there is nothing funnier in the world

>then calling me a " Wh*re " a " bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called

>me these things numerous times, claiming they were a joke. She

>calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has even

>called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these

>things.

>

>So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out

>of my mouth, I realized what I had done, I had given her a

>great excuse to start a fight. She said: " Real nice, you

>drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She

> said: " You should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a

> problem! " Believe me, I am not an alcoholic, I do not have a

> problem with alcohol in the least.

>

>We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking

>or talking to my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both

>of my parents were falling asleep in front of the tv. Before I

>went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to help out in the

>kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

>anything. "

>

>As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was

>11 p.m., only an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father:

> " Not only does she refuse to help me out in the kitchen, she

>calls me a whore in my own house on thanksgiving! " Thats when

>it blew up. I said " You have called me those things on a daily

>basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have

>heard you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a

>holiday. " Thats when my father intervened and took my

>side. My nada told me that I was no good and that my fiance

>would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing

>when I called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I

>would be all on my own. She accused me of thinking that since

>I was engaged, I felt like I could dump her and my father. I

>have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

>anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She

>began to accuse my father of cheating on her. My dad and I

>went upstairs and We talked. I decided that it was time for me

>to leave and go back to my apartment. After all, it just would

>have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and left.

>

>I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this

>point, she had locked herself in the bathroom (one of her

>favorite moves). I pulled out of the garage, and she came

>outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

>give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really

>leaving. " I gave her back the a paper advent calander and the

>bottle of soap she gave me. As I was pulling out of the drive

>way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just stay out

>of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out,

>she told me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her:

> " I tried to make it right, you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The

>ramifications of this will be felt for a long time. " and my

>father was blamed for me leaving.

>

>I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do

>the right thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag

>anymore. Had I stayed, we would have been fighting until 4

>a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said to

>me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt

>want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

>

>>

> For example, when she screamed at you in the laundry, you'd calmly and

neutrally reply, " I'm sorry I dropped the lid, but I won't stay and listen when

you scream at me and call me a moron, mother. I'm leaving now. 'Bye. "

>

Exactly. That's perfect wording, too.

> Your nada's " game " is to poke, and poke, and poke, and poke you with a sharp

stick until you poke her back, then the fight she wanted to provoke is on!

That's what my mother does, too. Only it's usually with " fixing " (i.e.,

criticizing) someone, or ignoring them saying " no " until they're " ungrateful. "

Learning not to play that game has been priceless!

>

> Unfortunately, you can't rescue your dad; setting this kind of boundary is

just about you. He is an adult and must set his own boundaries RE how she

treats him, if he even wants to. Its sad, but if you try to intervene and

" protect " him, it will likely just make things worse for him.

That's true. And the reason I mentioned that I would probably ask her to stop

yelling at my dad when I was there isn't that I want to rescue him, but that I

don't want to be anywhere that people are treated that way. I deserve not to

have to listen to that. So, I'm in agreement with Annie.

KT

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can agree with that too.

-Annie

> That's true. And the reason I mentioned that I would probably ask her to stop

yelling at my dad when I was there isn't that I want to rescue him, but that I

don't want to be anywhere that people are treated that way. I deserve not to

have to listen to that. So, I'm in agreement with Annie.

>

> KT

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can agree with that too.

-Annie

> That's true. And the reason I mentioned that I would probably ask her to stop

yelling at my dad when I was there isn't that I want to rescue him, but that I

don't want to be anywhere that people are treated that way. I deserve not to

have to listen to that. So, I'm in agreement with Annie.

>

> KT

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can agree with that too.

-Annie

> That's true. And the reason I mentioned that I would probably ask her to stop

yelling at my dad when I was there isn't that I want to rescue him, but that I

don't want to be anywhere that people are treated that way. I deserve not to

have to listen to that. So, I'm in agreement with Annie.

>

> KT

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. This is no win situation for you. You are supposed to take all the

verbal abuse and you better not stand up for yourself. Or if you do, YOU ruined

the holiday.

 

Maybe volunteering at a homeless shelter or food bank for Thanksgiving Day would

give you an out from your Nada and also provide you with some much needed peace.

>Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would

>shriek at me and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

>I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday

>morning, I could already hear her starting in my father. No

>matter what the poor man did, it was not good enough. He did

>everything she ordered him to do to help her with the turkey,

>but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my

>personal (sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to

>stay out of her way. I did all the cleaning she asked me to do

>(cleaning that she NEVER does, because she feels that it is our

>duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt enough. I was

>in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

>made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it

>happens). She began to scream at me and say things like

> " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her " Mom, it

>was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to

>take a joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a

>duplicate of last year, were you RUINED

>thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

>So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg

>shells. Nothing we did was right or good enough. Once all the

>work was over, we sat down to watch a movie while we waited for

>the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a cocktail, and as

>my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

>is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get

>drunk. " Mind you, she has never been drunk in front of me, so

>this was only said to hurt me. My fiance came over and we had

>paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting and

>talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was

>in the kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that

>my fiance and I really liked and she gave us the dirtiest look

>and said to us: " The two of you are so f*cking lame. " She was

>NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

>Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to

>handle the situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep

>the mood light because my poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his

>parents dont talk to him like that). I said back: " You're

>lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

>had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight

>drunk) and I was not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a

>drunk. "

>

>Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something

>to you. To my mother, there is nothing funnier in the world

>then calling me a " Wh*re " a " bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called

>me these things numerous times, claiming they were a joke. She

>calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has even

>called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these

>things.

>

>So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out

>of my mouth, I realized what I had done, I had given her a

>great excuse to start a fight. She said: " Real nice, you

>drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She

> said: " You should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a

> problem! " Believe me, I am not an alcoholic, I do not have a

> problem with alcohol in the least.

>

>We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking

>or talking to my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both

>of my parents were falling asleep in front of the tv. Before I

>went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to help out in the

>kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

>anything. "

>

>As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was

>11 p.m., only an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father:

> " Not only does she refuse to help me out in the kitchen, she

>calls me a whore in my own house on thanksgiving! " Thats when

>it blew up. I said " You have called me those things on a daily

>basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have

>heard you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a

>holiday. " Thats when my father intervened and took my

>side. My nada told me that I was no good and that my fiance

>would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing

>when I called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I

>would be all on my own. She accused me of thinking that since

>I was engaged, I felt like I could dump her and my father. I

>have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

>anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She

>began to accuse my father of cheating on her. My dad and I

>went upstairs and We talked. I decided that it was time for me

>to leave and go back to my apartment. After all, it just would

>have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and left.

>

>I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this

>point, she had locked herself in the bathroom (one of her

>favorite moves). I pulled out of the garage, and she came

>outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

>give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really

>leaving. " I gave her back the a paper advent calander and the

>bottle of soap she gave me. As I was pulling out of the drive

>way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just stay out

>of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out,

>she told me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her:

> " I tried to make it right, you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The

>ramifications of this will be felt for a long time. " and my

>father was blamed for me leaving.

>

>I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do

>the right thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag

>anymore. Had I stayed, we would have been fighting until 4

>a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said to

>me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt

>want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree. This is no win situation for you. You are supposed to take all the

verbal abuse and you better not stand up for yourself. Or if you do, YOU ruined

the holiday.

 

Maybe volunteering at a homeless shelter or food bank for Thanksgiving Day would

give you an out from your Nada and also provide you with some much needed peace.

>Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would

>shriek at me and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

>I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday

>morning, I could already hear her starting in my father. No

>matter what the poor man did, it was not good enough. He did

>everything she ordered him to do to help her with the turkey,

>but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my

>personal (sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to

>stay out of her way. I did all the cleaning she asked me to do

>(cleaning that she NEVER does, because she feels that it is our

>duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt enough. I was

>in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

>made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it

>happens). She began to scream at me and say things like

> " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her " Mom, it

>was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to

>take a joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a

>duplicate of last year, were you RUINED

>thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

>So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg

>shells. Nothing we did was right or good enough. Once all the

>work was over, we sat down to watch a movie while we waited for

>the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a cocktail, and as

>my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

>is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get

>drunk. " Mind you, she has never been drunk in front of me, so

>this was only said to hurt me. My fiance came over and we had

>paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting and

>talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was

>in the kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that

>my fiance and I really liked and she gave us the dirtiest look

>and said to us: " The two of you are so f*cking lame. " She was

>NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

>Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to

>handle the situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep

>the mood light because my poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his

>parents dont talk to him like that). I said back: " You're

>lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

>had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight

>drunk) and I was not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a

>drunk. "

>

>Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something

>to you. To my mother, there is nothing funnier in the world

>then calling me a " Wh*re " a " bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called

>me these things numerous times, claiming they were a joke. She

>calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has even

>called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these

>things.

>

>So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out

>of my mouth, I realized what I had done, I had given her a

>great excuse to start a fight. She said: " Real nice, you

>drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She

> said: " You should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a

> problem! " Believe me, I am not an alcoholic, I do not have a

> problem with alcohol in the least.

>

>We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking

>or talking to my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both

>of my parents were falling asleep in front of the tv. Before I

>went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to help out in the

>kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

>anything. "

>

>As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was

>11 p.m., only an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father:

> " Not only does she refuse to help me out in the kitchen, she

>calls me a whore in my own house on thanksgiving! " Thats when

>it blew up. I said " You have called me those things on a daily

>basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have

>heard you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a

>holiday. " Thats when my father intervened and took my

>side. My nada told me that I was no good and that my fiance

>would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing

>when I called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I

>would be all on my own. She accused me of thinking that since

>I was engaged, I felt like I could dump her and my father. I

>have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

>anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She

>began to accuse my father of cheating on her. My dad and I

>went upstairs and We talked. I decided that it was time for me

>to leave and go back to my apartment. After all, it just would

>have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and left.

>

>I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this

>point, she had locked herself in the bathroom (one of her

>favorite moves). I pulled out of the garage, and she came

>outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

>give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really

>leaving. " I gave her back the a paper advent calander and the

>bottle of soap she gave me. As I was pulling out of the drive

>way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just stay out

>of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out,

>she told me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her:

> " I tried to make it right, you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The

>ramifications of this will be felt for a long time. " and my

>father was blamed for me leaving.

>

>I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do

>the right thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag

>anymore. Had I stayed, we would have been fighting until 4

>a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said to

>me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt

>want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree. This is no win situation for you. You are supposed to take all the

verbal abuse and you better not stand up for yourself. Or if you do, YOU ruined

the holiday.

 

Maybe volunteering at a homeless shelter or food bank for Thanksgiving Day would

give you an out from your Nada and also provide you with some much needed peace.

>Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would

>shriek at me and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

>I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday

>morning, I could already hear her starting in my father. No

>matter what the poor man did, it was not good enough. He did

>everything she ordered him to do to help her with the turkey,

>but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my

>personal (sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to

>stay out of her way. I did all the cleaning she asked me to do

>(cleaning that she NEVER does, because she feels that it is our

>duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt enough. I was

>in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

>made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it

>happens). She began to scream at me and say things like

> " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her " Mom, it

>was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to

>take a joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a

>duplicate of last year, were you RUINED

>thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

>So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg

>shells. Nothing we did was right or good enough. Once all the

>work was over, we sat down to watch a movie while we waited for

>the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a cocktail, and as

>my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

>is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get

>drunk. " Mind you, she has never been drunk in front of me, so

>this was only said to hurt me. My fiance came over and we had

>paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting and

>talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was

>in the kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that

>my fiance and I really liked and she gave us the dirtiest look

>and said to us: " The two of you are so f*cking lame. " She was

>NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

>Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to

>handle the situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep

>the mood light because my poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his

>parents dont talk to him like that). I said back: " You're

>lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

>had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight

>drunk) and I was not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a

>drunk. "

>

>Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something

>to you. To my mother, there is nothing funnier in the world

>then calling me a " Wh*re " a " bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called

>me these things numerous times, claiming they were a joke. She

>calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has even

>called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these

>things.

>

>So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out

>of my mouth, I realized what I had done, I had given her a

>great excuse to start a fight. She said: " Real nice, you

>drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She

> said: " You should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a

> problem! " Believe me, I am not an alcoholic, I do not have a

> problem with alcohol in the least.

>

>We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking

>or talking to my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both

>of my parents were falling asleep in front of the tv. Before I

>went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to help out in the

>kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

>anything. "

>

>As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was

>11 p.m., only an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father:

> " Not only does she refuse to help me out in the kitchen, she

>calls me a whore in my own house on thanksgiving! " Thats when

>it blew up. I said " You have called me those things on a daily

>basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have

>heard you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a

>holiday. " Thats when my father intervened and took my

>side. My nada told me that I was no good and that my fiance

>would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing

>when I called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I

>would be all on my own. She accused me of thinking that since

>I was engaged, I felt like I could dump her and my father. I

>have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

>anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She

>began to accuse my father of cheating on her. My dad and I

>went upstairs and We talked. I decided that it was time for me

>to leave and go back to my apartment. After all, it just would

>have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and left.

>

>I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this

>point, she had locked herself in the bathroom (one of her

>favorite moves). I pulled out of the garage, and she came

>outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

>give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really

>leaving. " I gave her back the a paper advent calander and the

>bottle of soap she gave me. As I was pulling out of the drive

>way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just stay out

>of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out,

>she told me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her:

> " I tried to make it right, you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The

>ramifications of this will be felt for a long time. " and my

>father was blamed for me leaving.

>

>I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do

>the right thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag

>anymore. Had I stayed, we would have been fighting until 4

>a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said to

>me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt

>want to leave, but I felt like I had no choice.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

First of all, thank you all so much for your support, I really needed it. As I

was reading your replies, I just kept nodding my head, because I agreed with

everything everyone is saying. I spent today recovering from nada's outburst (I

got some much needed rest and read the book " Understanding the Boarderline

Mother " by Ann Lawson, an amazing book btw.

I am going to start taking some definitive steps to setting up some serious

bounderlines. For example, my first one is that I will no longer come home from

thanksgiving.

I have had no contact with nada today. I am not ready to deal with her yet. I

am thinking that I am not going to call her for a few days. Let her cool off.

If she calls me, and begins to fly off the handle, I am simply going to say:

" Mom, I will not talk to you when you are talking to me like this. I love you,

goodbye. " I feel like I have been going around and around on a merryground and

I have finally stepped off.

I am realizing that I cant save my father, that he needs to save himself. I am

realizing also that I am the only one who can pull me out of the manipulative

mess with my nada, so I am going to take steps to start doing that.

[Guest guest]

First of all, thank you all so much for your support, I really needed it. As I

was reading your replies, I just kept nodding my head, because I agreed with

everything everyone is saying. I spent today recovering from nada's outburst (I

got some much needed rest and read the book " Understanding the Boarderline

Mother " by Ann Lawson, an amazing book btw.

I am going to start taking some definitive steps to setting up some serious

bounderlines. For example, my first one is that I will no longer come home from

thanksgiving.

I have had no contact with nada today. I am not ready to deal with her yet. I

am thinking that I am not going to call her for a few days. Let her cool off.

If she calls me, and begins to fly off the handle, I am simply going to say:

" Mom, I will not talk to you when you are talking to me like this. I love you,

goodbye. " I feel like I have been going around and around on a merryground and

I have finally stepped off.

I am realizing that I cant save my father, that he needs to save himself. I am

realizing also that I am the only one who can pull me out of the manipulative

mess with my nada, so I am going to take steps to start doing that.

[Guest guest]

First of all, thank you all so much for your support, I really needed it. As I

was reading your replies, I just kept nodding my head, because I agreed with

everything everyone is saying. I spent today recovering from nada's outburst (I

got some much needed rest and read the book " Understanding the Boarderline

Mother " by Ann Lawson, an amazing book btw.

I am going to start taking some definitive steps to setting up some serious

bounderlines. For example, my first one is that I will no longer come home from

thanksgiving.

I have had no contact with nada today. I am not ready to deal with her yet. I

am thinking that I am not going to call her for a few days. Let her cool off.

If she calls me, and begins to fly off the handle, I am simply going to say:

" Mom, I will not talk to you when you are talking to me like this. I love you,

goodbye. " I feel like I have been going around and around on a merryground and

I have finally stepped off.

I am realizing that I cant save my father, that he needs to save himself. I am

realizing also that I am the only one who can pull me out of the manipulative

mess with my nada, so I am going to take steps to start doing that.

[Guest guest]

You did exactly the right thing. My nada too has called me a wh*re and a b*tch,

and for added flair told me I was going to burn in hell. Not as often or as

publicly as yours did, apparently, but even a small number of times is enough to

scar your psyche permanently.

You tried, she turned you away, and then tried to blame you for doing what she

said. That is nuts. You don't need to feel bad for walking (or driving) away

from a crazy mind-f*cking situation.

If you want to stay in contact with her, I'd be crystal clear that you're not

going to tolerate any name-calling or labelling anymore, for starters. I

wouldn't blame you one bit if you didn't want to bother and just cut off contact

for a while.

Give your cat an extra scratch behind the ears, or better yet, let him or her

crawl into your lap and give your belly/chest a good kneading. Your cat

actually loves you. Your nada doesn't seem to have that capacity. Mine doesn't

either. I'm sorry.

>

> Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would shriek at me

and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

> I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I could

already hear her starting in my father. No matter what the poor man did, it was

not good enough. He did everything she ordered him to do to help her with the

turkey, but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my personal

(sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to stay out of her way. I

did all the cleaning she asked me to do (cleaning that she NEVER does, because

she feels that it is our duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt

enough. I was in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it happens). She began to scream

at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her

" Mom, it was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to take a

joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a duplicate of last year, were

you RUINED thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

> So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg shells. Nothing we

did was right or good enough. Once all the work was over, we sat down to watch

a movie while we waited for the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a

cocktail, and as my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get drunk. " Mind you, she has

never been drunk in front of me, so this was only said to hurt me. My fiance

came over and we had paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting

and talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was in the

kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that my fiance and I really

liked and she gave us the dirtiest look and said to us: " The two of you are so

f*cking lame. " She was NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

> Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to handle the

situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep the mood light because my

poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his parents dont talk to him like that). I

said back: " You're lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight drunk) and I was

not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a drunk. "

>

> Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something to you. To my

mother, there is nothing funnier in the world then calling me a " Wh*re " a

" bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called me these things numerous times, claiming

they were a joke. She calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has

even called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these things.

>

> So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out of my mouth, I

realized what I had done, I had given her a great excuse to start a fight. She

said: " Real nice, you drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She said: " You

should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a problem! " Believe me, I am

not an alcoholic, I do not have a problem with alcohol in the least.

>

> We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking or talking to

my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both of my parents were falling

asleep in front of the tv. Before I went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to

help out in the kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

anything. "

>

> As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was 11 p.m., only

an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father: " Not only does she refuse to

help me out in the kitchen, she calls me a whore in my own house on

thanksgiving! " Thats when it blew up. I said " You have called me those things

on a daily basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have heard

you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a holiday. " Thats when my

father intervened and took my side. My nada told me that I was no good and that

my fiance would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing when I

called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I would be all on my own.

She accused me of thinking that since I was engaged, I felt like I could dump

her and my father. I have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She began to accuse

my father of cheating on her. My dad and I went upstairs and We talked. I

decided that it was time for me to leave and go back to my apartment. After

all, it just would have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and

left.

>

> I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this point, she had

locked herself in the bathroom (one of her favorite moves). I pulled out of the

garage, and she came outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really leaving. " I gave her back

the a paper advent calander and the bottle of soap she gave me. As I was

pulling out of the drive way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just

stay out of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out, she told

me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her: " I tried to make it right,

you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The ramifications of this will be felt for a

long time. " and my father was blamed for me leaving.

>

> I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do the right

thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag anymore. Had I stayed, we would have

been fighting until 4 a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said

to me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt want to leave,

but I felt like I had no choice.

>

[Guest guest]

You did exactly the right thing. My nada too has called me a wh*re and a b*tch,

and for added flair told me I was going to burn in hell. Not as often or as

publicly as yours did, apparently, but even a small number of times is enough to

scar your psyche permanently.

You tried, she turned you away, and then tried to blame you for doing what she

said. That is nuts. You don't need to feel bad for walking (or driving) away

from a crazy mind-f*cking situation.

If you want to stay in contact with her, I'd be crystal clear that you're not

going to tolerate any name-calling or labelling anymore, for starters. I

wouldn't blame you one bit if you didn't want to bother and just cut off contact

for a while.

Give your cat an extra scratch behind the ears, or better yet, let him or her

crawl into your lap and give your belly/chest a good kneading. Your cat

actually loves you. Your nada doesn't seem to have that capacity. Mine doesn't

either. I'm sorry.

>

> Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would shriek at me

and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

> I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I could

already hear her starting in my father. No matter what the poor man did, it was

not good enough. He did everything she ordered him to do to help her with the

turkey, but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my personal

(sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to stay out of her way. I

did all the cleaning she asked me to do (cleaning that she NEVER does, because

she feels that it is our duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt

enough. I was in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it happens). She began to scream

at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her

" Mom, it was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to take a

joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a duplicate of last year, were

you RUINED thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

> So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg shells. Nothing we

did was right or good enough. Once all the work was over, we sat down to watch

a movie while we waited for the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a

cocktail, and as my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get drunk. " Mind you, she has

never been drunk in front of me, so this was only said to hurt me. My fiance

came over and we had paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting

and talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was in the

kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that my fiance and I really

liked and she gave us the dirtiest look and said to us: " The two of you are so

f*cking lame. " She was NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

> Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to handle the

situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep the mood light because my

poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his parents dont talk to him like that). I

said back: " You're lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight drunk) and I was

not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a drunk. "

>

> Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something to you. To my

mother, there is nothing funnier in the world then calling me a " Wh*re " a

" bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called me these things numerous times, claiming

they were a joke. She calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has

even called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these things.

>

> So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out of my mouth, I

realized what I had done, I had given her a great excuse to start a fight. She

said: " Real nice, you drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She said: " You

should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a problem! " Believe me, I am

not an alcoholic, I do not have a problem with alcohol in the least.

>

> We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking or talking to

my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both of my parents were falling

asleep in front of the tv. Before I went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to

help out in the kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

anything. "

>

> As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was 11 p.m., only

an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father: " Not only does she refuse to

help me out in the kitchen, she calls me a whore in my own house on

thanksgiving! " Thats when it blew up. I said " You have called me those things

on a daily basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have heard

you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a holiday. " Thats when my

father intervened and took my side. My nada told me that I was no good and that

my fiance would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing when I

called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I would be all on my own.

She accused me of thinking that since I was engaged, I felt like I could dump

her and my father. I have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She began to accuse

my father of cheating on her. My dad and I went upstairs and We talked. I

decided that it was time for me to leave and go back to my apartment. After

all, it just would have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and

left.

>

> I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this point, she had

locked herself in the bathroom (one of her favorite moves). I pulled out of the

garage, and she came outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really leaving. " I gave her back

the a paper advent calander and the bottle of soap she gave me. As I was

pulling out of the drive way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just

stay out of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out, she told

me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her: " I tried to make it right,

you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The ramifications of this will be felt for a

long time. " and my father was blamed for me leaving.

>

> I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do the right

thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag anymore. Had I stayed, we would have

been fighting until 4 a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said

to me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt want to leave,

but I felt like I had no choice.

>

[Guest guest]

You did exactly the right thing. My nada too has called me a wh*re and a b*tch,

and for added flair told me I was going to burn in hell. Not as often or as

publicly as yours did, apparently, but even a small number of times is enough to

scar your psyche permanently.

You tried, she turned you away, and then tried to blame you for doing what she

said. That is nuts. You don't need to feel bad for walking (or driving) away

from a crazy mind-f*cking situation.

If you want to stay in contact with her, I'd be crystal clear that you're not

going to tolerate any name-calling or labelling anymore, for starters. I

wouldn't blame you one bit if you didn't want to bother and just cut off contact

for a while.

Give your cat an extra scratch behind the ears, or better yet, let him or her

crawl into your lap and give your belly/chest a good kneading. Your cat

actually loves you. Your nada doesn't seem to have that capacity. Mine doesn't

either. I'm sorry.

>

> Well Annie, you were right, no matter what I did, my nada would shriek at me

and tell me that I had " ruined the holiday. "

>

> I went home for thanksgiving, and when I woke up yesterday morning, I could

already hear her starting in my father. No matter what the poor man did, it was

not good enough. He did everything she ordered him to do to help her with the

turkey, but all she did was call him " stupid " and " an idiot " and my personal

(sarcasm) favorite " C*ck Sucker. " I tried my best to stay out of her way. I

did all the cleaning she asked me to do (cleaning that she NEVER does, because

she feels that it is our duty for us to wait on her) but that still wasnt

enough. I was in the laundry room, and the washing machine lid fell down and

made a huge slaming noise (it was an accident, it happens). She began to scream

at me and say things like " NICE!!! YOU MORON! " And I simply said back to her

" Mom, it was an accident. " She began to scream: " You never know how to take a

joke, you have NO sense of humor. Let's not have a duplicate of last year, were

you RUINED thanksgiving. " (Apparently, I ruined it last year too.)

>

> So, as usual, my father and I spent all day walking on egg shells. Nothing we

did was right or good enough. Once all the work was over, we sat down to watch

a movie while we waited for the Turkey to cook. My father made everyone a

cocktail, and as my mother brought the glass to her lips, she said to me: " This

is the only way I can ever deal with you, is to get drunk. " Mind you, she has

never been drunk in front of me, so this was only said to hurt me. My fiance

came over and we had paused the movie. My nada, my fiance and I were sitting

and talking about the thanksgiving day parade while my father was in the

kitchen. We were talking about one of the floats that my fiance and I really

liked and she gave us the dirtiest look and said to us: " The two of you are so

f*cking lame. " She was NOT laughing. She said this to hurt us.

>

> Now, I understand that what I did next was not the best way to handle the

situation. But, at that moment I was trying to keep the mood light because my

poor fiance's feelings were hurt (his parents dont talk to him like that). I

said back: " You're lame. " I was laughing and trying to keep the mood light. I

had three cocktails at this point (and I am not a lightweight drunk) and I was

not even buzzed, and she said to me: " You're a drunk. "

>

> Now, before I tell this next part, I have to explain something to you. To my

mother, there is nothing funnier in the world then calling me a " Wh*re " a

" bi*ch " , etc. my mother has called me these things numerous times, claiming

they were a joke. She calls my FRIENDS these things to their faces, and has

even called my fiance these things. She also calls my father these things.

>

> So, I jokingly said: : " Oh! You whore!. " As soon as it came out of my mouth, I

realized what I had done, I had given her a great excuse to start a fight. She

said: " Real nice, you drunk, happy thanksgiving. "

>

> From there, I tried to apologize and she flew off at me. She said: " You

should not drink! You are an alcoholic! You have a problem! " Believe me, I am

not an alcoholic, I do not have a problem with alcohol in the least.

>

> We had dinner, and she ignored me the whole time, only looking or talking to

my father or my fiance. My fiance left, and both of my parents were falling

asleep in front of the tv. Before I went up to bed, I asked: " What can I do to

help out in the kitchen? " My nada simply said " Nothing, you dont know how to do

anything. "

>

> As I was walking up the stairs, my nada (at this point, it was 11 p.m., only

an hour left on thanksgiving) said to my father: " Not only does she refuse to

help me out in the kitchen, she calls me a whore in my own house on

thanksgiving! " Thats when it blew up. I said " You have called me those things

on a daily basis. " At first, she denied it, and my father said, " I have heard

you say those things to her!. " She said: " but not on a holiday. " Thats when my

father intervened and took my side. My nada told me that I was no good and that

my fiance would leave me soon (p.s. my fiance almost burst out laughing when I

called her that, bc he knows how she treats me), so I would be all on my own.

She accused me of thinking that since I was engaged, I felt like I could dump

her and my father. I have never thought that. My poor cat, who hates my nada

anyway, was hyperventalting and trying to crawl up my leg. She began to accuse

my father of cheating on her. My dad and I went upstairs and We talked. I

decided that it was time for me to leave and go back to my apartment. After

all, it just would have been the same old stuff. So, I packed my things and

left.

>

> I said goodbye to my mother before i did leave, and at this point, she had

locked herself in the bathroom (one of her favorite moves). I pulled out of the

garage, and she came outside and stood out on the front poarch, screaming that i

give back the gifts she had given me if I was " really leaving. " I gave her back

the a paper advent calander and the bottle of soap she gave me. As I was

pulling out of the drive way, i heard her say to my father: " You couldnt just

stay out of it could you, you F*c ker. " I left, and as I pulled out, she told

me " Once agian, you ruined thanksgiving. " I told her: " I tried to make it right,

you wouldnt let me. " She said: " The ramifications of this will be felt for a

long time. " and my father was blamed for me leaving.

>

> I am sorry for writing a book, but I need some advice, did i do the right

thing? I just couldnt be her punching bag anymore. Had I stayed, we would have

been fighting until 4 a.m. and we would have fought today too. If she had said

to me " Come back and lets work this out. " I would have. I didnt want to leave,

but I felt like I had no choice.

>

[Guest guest]

*blinks*

Oh, my GAWD.

(((((hugs you)))))

There is no reason, no reason at all, ever on God's green earth, for anybody to

take this kind of crap. From anybody. Ever. Ever. Ever.

This is not your fault. Clearly, this is a person with serious problems, and

it's doubtful that anything you could ever do could make any kind of dent in

this.

You may be staying in contact with this person for any number of reasons. If,

somehow, you are able to screen out the negativity and not leave this person's

house feeling absolutely horrible, then maybe you could consider continuing to

spend holidays with her. But, for most people, this kind of blistering

invective, on and on and on, for no reason whatsoever, results in them feeling

horrible.

If this is you, I think you should strongly consider spending less time at this

person's house, whether it is a holiday or not.

A LOT less time.

If this were anybody but the person who bore you, you would already be gone,

wouldn't you?

I'm sorry you had such a rotten holiday. You didn't deserve it.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

*blinks*

Oh, my GAWD.

(((((hugs you)))))

There is no reason, no reason at all, ever on God's green earth, for anybody to

take this kind of crap. From anybody. Ever. Ever. Ever.

This is not your fault. Clearly, this is a person with serious problems, and

it's doubtful that anything you could ever do could make any kind of dent in

this.

You may be staying in contact with this person for any number of reasons. If,

somehow, you are able to screen out the negativity and not leave this person's

house feeling absolutely horrible, then maybe you could consider continuing to

spend holidays with her. But, for most people, this kind of blistering

invective, on and on and on, for no reason whatsoever, results in them feeling

horrible.

If this is you, I think you should strongly consider spending less time at this

person's house, whether it is a holiday or not.

A LOT less time.

If this were anybody but the person who bore you, you would already be gone,

wouldn't you?

I'm sorry you had such a rotten holiday. You didn't deserve it.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

What is it about nada's insisting on high drama during holidays? It's like if

they go one holiday without ruining someone's life, they'll die.

Your fiancee sounds like a saint, so you're definitely lucky to have him.

Neither you or him deserve this abuse from your nada period. I have the picture

in my mind of you giving you nada a little taste of her own medicine, and I had

to giggle. Although the situation isn't funny, sometimes it's good to just say

'forget it' and play the devil's advocate so good for you, your nada deserves

worse but they never seem to get theirs do they?

You dad sounds like a bit of a dishrag or codependent, but credit to him for

trying to stick up for you. You did the right thing by leaving and saving both

you and your fiancee for certain catastrophe.

My nada is like yours too, and always claims I am too sensitive or that she is

just kidding and I can't take a joke. Well the joke is on her. I cut her out of

my life almost completely a couple of years ago and I have never felt better. My

rule is now that I NEVER spend one holiday with my FOO ever, ever. Best

decision I ever made!

Have you considered LC or even NC with you nada? Everyone has to do things their

own way, and at the right time, so good luck to you with this crazy situation.

Sincerely, I hope you can find healing somehow, this is the hard stuff

Hugs from HF

[Guest guest]

What is it about nada's insisting on high drama during holidays? It's like if

they go one holiday without ruining someone's life, they'll die.

Your fiancee sounds like a saint, so you're definitely lucky to have him.

Neither you or him deserve this abuse from your nada period. I have the picture

in my mind of you giving you nada a little taste of her own medicine, and I had

to giggle. Although the situation isn't funny, sometimes it's good to just say

'forget it' and play the devil's advocate so good for you, your nada deserves

worse but they never seem to get theirs do they?

You dad sounds like a bit of a dishrag or codependent, but credit to him for

trying to stick up for you. You did the right thing by leaving and saving both

you and your fiancee for certain catastrophe.

My nada is like yours too, and always claims I am too sensitive or that she is

just kidding and I can't take a joke. Well the joke is on her. I cut her out of

my life almost completely a couple of years ago and I have never felt better. My

rule is now that I NEVER spend one holiday with my FOO ever, ever. Best

decision I ever made!

Have you considered LC or even NC with you nada? Everyone has to do things their

own way, and at the right time, so good luck to you with this crazy situation.

Sincerely, I hope you can find healing somehow, this is the hard stuff

Hugs from HF

[Guest guest]

What is it about nada's insisting on high drama during holidays? It's like if

they go one holiday without ruining someone's life, they'll die.

Your fiancee sounds like a saint, so you're definitely lucky to have him.

Neither you or him deserve this abuse from your nada period. I have the picture

in my mind of you giving you nada a little taste of her own medicine, and I had

to giggle. Although the situation isn't funny, sometimes it's good to just say

'forget it' and play the devil's advocate so good for you, your nada deserves

worse but they never seem to get theirs do they?

You dad sounds like a bit of a dishrag or codependent, but credit to him for

trying to stick up for you. You did the right thing by leaving and saving both

you and your fiancee for certain catastrophe.

My nada is like yours too, and always claims I am too sensitive or that she is

just kidding and I can't take a joke. Well the joke is on her. I cut her out of

my life almost completely a couple of years ago and I have never felt better. My

rule is now that I NEVER spend one holiday with my FOO ever, ever. Best

decision I ever made!

Have you considered LC or even NC with you nada? Everyone has to do things their

own way, and at the right time, so good luck to you with this crazy situation.

Sincerely, I hope you can find healing somehow, this is the hard stuff

Hugs from HF