Re: Contemplating contact with Nada and BPD sister after nearly 2 years of NC-help!

[Guest guest]

I don't want to come off as glib or anything but if a train ran you over two

years ago, that same train is likely to do the same kind of damage if given the

chance, today. No matter how much you work out. I think it's probably the kind

of thing where you have to do it to be sure, I just cringed when I read this

because even though we don't know each other the potential that they will cause

you emotional harm is there and I empathize. Hugs.

>

> Hi everyone,

> It's been a while since I've visited this group. But it's b/c I've had a

wonderful past 2 years of drama-free living! My husband is amazing, 2 young

children who are healthy and adorable and I have been growing emotionally. I

have some great friends who I trust completely. I've learned to be cautious

when making new friends and instictively feel the need to run the other way when

I meet someone new who seems at all interested in drama or gossip.

> My nada 'disowned me' 2 yrs ago after I located my father who left when I was

young. She'd always told my sister and I that he never paid child support, and

if we ever contacted him she'd disown us. I went to my therepist the day after

my big conversation with nada and my therepist let it slip that she was certain

my mother had BPD. And my sister likely too. I called my sister to try and work

things out, she raged like CRAZY at me. After that I blocked both sister and

nada's emails and phone calls. A few emails have trickled in from sister over

the past 2 yrs, in the nature of blaming me, " how could you cut your family off

like this... " .

>

> I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family. Yesterday on Thanksgiving, my sister

emailed a one line " Happy Thankgsiving " .

>

> I have changed tremendously over the past 2 yrs and wonder if I am different

enough and strong enough to reconnect with them. I mean I guess I know I am, but

is the price of the connection worth the emotional energy? Do I hate being

without any reletives enough to bring that back into my life?

>

> You folks reading this are the only people who truly understand how much it

totally sucks not having any family. After I contacted my dad, he turned into a

reglious wacko and I haven't since talked to him. So I've had not a single

relative on my side for 2 yrs. I don't like it!

>

> I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work.

>

> Thank you!!

> xoxo, brooke

>

[Guest guest]

I don't want to come off as glib or anything but if a train ran you over two

years ago, that same train is likely to do the same kind of damage if given the

chance, today. No matter how much you work out. I think it's probably the kind

of thing where you have to do it to be sure, I just cringed when I read this

because even though we don't know each other the potential that they will cause

you emotional harm is there and I empathize. Hugs.

>

> Hi everyone,

> It's been a while since I've visited this group. But it's b/c I've had a

wonderful past 2 years of drama-free living! My husband is amazing, 2 young

children who are healthy and adorable and I have been growing emotionally. I

have some great friends who I trust completely. I've learned to be cautious

when making new friends and instictively feel the need to run the other way when

I meet someone new who seems at all interested in drama or gossip.

> My nada 'disowned me' 2 yrs ago after I located my father who left when I was

young. She'd always told my sister and I that he never paid child support, and

if we ever contacted him she'd disown us. I went to my therepist the day after

my big conversation with nada and my therepist let it slip that she was certain

my mother had BPD. And my sister likely too. I called my sister to try and work

things out, she raged like CRAZY at me. After that I blocked both sister and

nada's emails and phone calls. A few emails have trickled in from sister over

the past 2 yrs, in the nature of blaming me, " how could you cut your family off

like this... " .

>

> I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family. Yesterday on Thanksgiving, my sister

emailed a one line " Happy Thankgsiving " .

>

> I have changed tremendously over the past 2 yrs and wonder if I am different

enough and strong enough to reconnect with them. I mean I guess I know I am, but

is the price of the connection worth the emotional energy? Do I hate being

without any reletives enough to bring that back into my life?

>

> You folks reading this are the only people who truly understand how much it

totally sucks not having any family. After I contacted my dad, he turned into a

reglious wacko and I haven't since talked to him. So I've had not a single

relative on my side for 2 yrs. I don't like it!

>

> I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work.

>

> Thank you!!

> xoxo, brooke

>

[Guest guest]

I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family

you hit the nail on the head . I didn't realize how to identify that

emotion in words, but you just did it. i've lived with being cut off from my

family (without actually having been cut off) for the last 20 years. It's sooooo

sad for me because I am a very gentle, peace-seeking humane person. But the

people in my family are so ravaged with BPD, insecurity, jealousy, ultimatums

and misunderstandings to talk to each other...never get together. Holidays are

lonely for me, even though I have an amazing husband and 5 gorgeous kids. I am

traumatized by the very polarizing actions of my family members. I'm beginning

to understand why it has to be this way, but I will never truly understand that

it is happening.

I have to constantly reassure myself that I am very lucky in my own home life

and I have to give up on the idea that we will all be a loving and free family

ever again.

I miss the CONCEPT of family...but not the individuals who really ARE my

family...I need to know the difference. My family members are bitter, jealous

and silent. Separate. It seems that I am always the only one who wants to get

together...and that is a very lonely feeling...like living on an alternate

universe, especially around the holidays when it seems everyone is having their

families over. So so so so sad.

Amy

Contemplating contact with Nada and BPD sister

after nearly 2 years of NC-help!

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've visited this group. But it's b/c I've had a

wonderful past 2 years of drama-free living! My husband is amazing, 2 young

children who are healthy and adorable and I have been growing emotionally. I

have some great friends who I trust completely. I've learned to be cautious

when making new friends and instictively feel the need to run the other way when

I meet someone new who seems at all interested in drama or gossip.

My nada 'disowned me' 2 yrs ago after I located my father who left when I was

young. She'd always told my sister and I that he never paid child support, and

if we ever contacted him she'd disown us. I went to my therepist the day after

my big conversation with nada and my therepist let it slip that she was certain

my mother had BPD. And my sister likely too. I called my sister to try and work

things out, she raged like CRAZY at me. After that I blocked both sister and

nada's emails and phone calls. A few emails have trickled in from sister over

the past 2 yrs, in the nature of blaming me, " how could you cut your family off

like this... " .

I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family. Yesterday on Thanksgiving, my sister

emailed a one line " Happy Thankgsiving " .

I have changed tremendously over the past 2 yrs and wonder if I am different

enough and strong enough to reconnect with them. I mean I guess I know I am, but

is the price of the connection worth the emotional energy? Do I hate being

without any reletives enough to bring that back into my life?

You folks reading this are the only people who truly understand how much it

totally sucks not having any family. After I contacted my dad, he turned into a

reglious wacko and I haven't since talked to him. So I've had not a single

relative on my side for 2 yrs. I don't like it!

I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work.

Thank you!!

xoxo, brooke

[Guest guest]

Wow in reading your post was like a flashback to my life.....only i only have

the BPD mother. I underdtand the lonely feeling you have i moved over 33 hours

away from my family to get far away from my BPD mom. i too was all alone, but

now i have my husbands family who we spend holidays with. is that an option for

you? can you spend the holidays with his family?

I have had no contact with my mother for over 2 years now and it was her choice

to cut me off and her words were " you are dead to me, I have no daughter " which

made me sad becasue i have 5 kids, which she says to my granny all the time that

" those kids are your grandkids NOT mine " And the reason all this happened was

because she had one of her sessions and i couldn't take the abuse anymore so i

sat down and wrote her a letter telling her she hurt me and needs

therapy.......wow i have learnt that you never tell a BPD they need help LOL

because it is always someone else's fault never thiers.

If you are thinking about contact again just make sure you set very clear

boundaries for yourself and make rules and they have to follow them or you will

leave again. you have to take care of you. I understand exactly how you feel. i

always feel guilty and bad for my mom. so i would always let her treat me like

crap because she was my mom and i must have done something wrong to make her

mad, we always make the excuses for their behavior......that has to stop, they

need to own thier actions and feel bad and sorry for what they have done and the

pain they have caused others. you are no one's doormat. if you don't think you

can stand up to them and stand your ground then i don't recommend making contact

yet. Because you know deep down inside that it will be a matter of a day or two

before they slip back into thelr usual rants and hurting you. And you are being

a good person by having no contact with them YOU ARE FINALLY TAKING CARE OF

YOU!!! You are important and you do matter. you need to put yourself first! If

you do decide to try contact with them again and they start to act badly you

know you can tell them that this isn't working and you need to cut off contact

again because you do not deserve their abuse. you have cut off contact once

before you can do it again!

I totally understand how you have had a great 2 years, i feel the same way, i

have had way less stress since there is no contact, you no longer stress out

when the phone rings in case it is them, you don't have to hear you are dong

everything wrong, life is just so much more peaceful i find without my BPD

mother in it! But i have come to realize that i can't feel bad for not having

contact because she is the one who chooses her behavior and she chooses to not

get help and listen so to me she chooses to have no contact. don't feel bad

about no contact, it is what you needed in order to heal and survive.......

take care and i really hope everything works out for you.

Lori

>

>

>

> I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family

> you hit the nail on the head . I didn't realize how to identify that

emotion in words, but you just did it. i've lived with being cut off from my

family (without actually having been cut off) for the last 20 years. It's sooooo

sad for me because I am a very gentle, peace-seeking humane person. But the

people in my family are so ravaged with BPD, insecurity, jealousy, ultimatums

and misunderstandings to talk to each other...never get together. Holidays are

lonely for me, even though I have an amazing husband and 5 gorgeous kids. I am

traumatized by the very polarizing actions of my family members. I'm beginning

to understand why it has to be this way, but I will never truly understand that

it is happening.

> I have to constantly reassure myself that I am very lucky in my own home life

and I have to give up on the idea that we will all be a loving and free family

ever again.

> I miss the CONCEPT of family...but not the individuals who really ARE my

family...I need to know the difference. My family members are bitter, jealous

and silent. Separate. It seems that I am always the only one who wants to get

together...and that is a very lonely feeling...like living on an alternate

universe, especially around the holidays when it seems everyone is having their

families over. So so so so sad.

> Amy

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Contemplating contact with Nada and BPD sister

after nearly 2 years of NC-help!

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi everyone,

> It's been a while since I've visited this group. But it's b/c I've had a

wonderful past 2 years of drama-free living! My husband is amazing, 2 young

children who are healthy and adorable and I have been growing emotionally. I

have some great friends who I trust completely. I've learned to be cautious

when making new friends and instictively feel the need to run the other way when

I meet someone new who seems at all interested in drama or gossip.

> My nada 'disowned me' 2 yrs ago after I located my father who left when I was

young. She'd always told my sister and I that he never paid child support, and

if we ever contacted him she'd disown us. I went to my therepist the day after

my big conversation with nada and my therepist let it slip that she was certain

my mother had BPD. And my sister likely too. I called my sister to try and work

things out, she raged like CRAZY at me. After that I blocked both sister and

nada's emails and phone calls. A few emails have trickled in from sister over

the past 2 yrs, in the nature of blaming me, " how could you cut your family off

like this... " .

>

> I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family. Yesterday on Thanksgiving, my sister

emailed a one line " Happy Thankgsiving " .

>

> I have changed tremendously over the past 2 yrs and wonder if I am different

enough and strong enough to reconnect with them. I mean I guess I know I am, but

is the price of the connection worth the emotional energy? Do I hate being

without any reletives enough to bring that back into my life?

>

> You folks reading this are the only people who truly understand how much it

totally sucks not having any family. After I contacted my dad, he turned into a

reglious wacko and I haven't since talked to him. So I've had not a single

relative on my side for 2 yrs. I don't like it!

>

> I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work.

>

> Thank you!!

> xoxo, brooke

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work. "

Sorry to say it, but you won't hear any from me. My nada hasn't changed and

will never change.

I don't even feel lonely for family anymore. To me, to be alone = FREEDOM.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

" I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work. "

Sorry to say it, but you won't hear any from me. My nada hasn't changed and

will never change.

I don't even feel lonely for family anymore. To me, to be alone = FREEDOM.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

I have one piece of advice for you. RUN, don't walk, to the bookstore, or if

you have an electronic reader, then download the book BOOMERANG LOVE. I just

finished it and it deals with exactly what you are talking about, how we get

healthy and think we are now strong enough to handle the relationship that we

grieve so much, only to put ourselves back on the rollercoaster of emotional

upheaval again. Go get the book, borrow it from the library, just make sure you

read it before you make a decision. Also, in the book Divorcing a Parent, the

author recommends you make a contract with yourself that whenever you

contemplate contact, you have to wait 30 days before acting on it. Usually, in

30 days, your brain or your body will figure out a way to stop you from making a

bad decision. Just my way of dealing with it - knowledge is power, know how to

name your pain.

>

> Hi everyone,

> It's been a while since I've visited this group. But it's b/c I've had a

wonderful past 2 years of drama-free living! My husband is amazing, 2 young

children who are healthy and adorable and I have been growing emotionally. I

have some great friends who I trust completely. I've learned to be cautious

when making new friends and instictively feel the need to run the other way when

I meet someone new who seems at all interested in drama or gossip.

> My nada 'disowned me' 2 yrs ago after I located my father who left when I was

young. She'd always told my sister and I that he never paid child support, and

if we ever contacted him she'd disown us. I went to my therepist the day after

my big conversation with nada and my therepist let it slip that she was certain

my mother had BPD. And my sister likely too. I called my sister to try and work

things out, she raged like CRAZY at me. After that I blocked both sister and

nada's emails and phone calls. A few emails have trickled in from sister over

the past 2 yrs, in the nature of blaming me, " how could you cut your family off

like this... " .

>

> I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family. Yesterday on Thanksgiving, my sister

emailed a one line " Happy Thankgsiving " .

>

> I have changed tremendously over the past 2 yrs and wonder if I am different

enough and strong enough to reconnect with them. I mean I guess I know I am, but

is the price of the connection worth the emotional energy? Do I hate being

without any reletives enough to bring that back into my life?

>

> You folks reading this are the only people who truly understand how much it

totally sucks not having any family. After I contacted my dad, he turned into a

reglious wacko and I haven't since talked to him. So I've had not a single

relative on my side for 2 yrs. I don't like it!

>

> I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work.

>

> Thank you!!

> xoxo, brooke

>

[Guest guest]

I have one piece of advice for you. RUN, don't walk, to the bookstore, or if

you have an electronic reader, then download the book BOOMERANG LOVE. I just

finished it and it deals with exactly what you are talking about, how we get

healthy and think we are now strong enough to handle the relationship that we

grieve so much, only to put ourselves back on the rollercoaster of emotional

upheaval again. Go get the book, borrow it from the library, just make sure you

read it before you make a decision. Also, in the book Divorcing a Parent, the

author recommends you make a contract with yourself that whenever you

contemplate contact, you have to wait 30 days before acting on it. Usually, in

30 days, your brain or your body will figure out a way to stop you from making a

bad decision. Just my way of dealing with it - knowledge is power, know how to

name your pain.

>

> Hi everyone,

> It's been a while since I've visited this group. But it's b/c I've had a

wonderful past 2 years of drama-free living! My husband is amazing, 2 young

children who are healthy and adorable and I have been growing emotionally. I

have some great friends who I trust completely. I've learned to be cautious

when making new friends and instictively feel the need to run the other way when

I meet someone new who seems at all interested in drama or gossip.

> My nada 'disowned me' 2 yrs ago after I located my father who left when I was

young. She'd always told my sister and I that he never paid child support, and

if we ever contacted him she'd disown us. I went to my therepist the day after

my big conversation with nada and my therepist let it slip that she was certain

my mother had BPD. And my sister likely too. I called my sister to try and work

things out, she raged like CRAZY at me. After that I blocked both sister and

nada's emails and phone calls. A few emails have trickled in from sister over

the past 2 yrs, in the nature of blaming me, " how could you cut your family off

like this... " .

>

> I frequently think of my mom and sister and question my decision for NC. I

question it b/c in my mind being a 'good person' which I strive to be, isn't

someone who is cut off from her family. Yesterday on Thanksgiving, my sister

emailed a one line " Happy Thankgsiving " .

>

> I have changed tremendously over the past 2 yrs and wonder if I am different

enough and strong enough to reconnect with them. I mean I guess I know I am, but

is the price of the connection worth the emotional energy? Do I hate being

without any reletives enough to bring that back into my life?

>

> You folks reading this are the only people who truly understand how much it

totally sucks not having any family. After I contacted my dad, he turned into a

reglious wacko and I haven't since talked to him. So I've had not a single

relative on my side for 2 yrs. I don't like it!

>

> I need to hear from those who have contact and have managed to do so in a way

that leaves you free from emotional distress. I need to hear some inspiring

stories that it is possible and some tips on how to make it work.

>

> Thank you!!

> xoxo, brooke

>