question for Doug or somebody with years of recovery

[Guest guest]

I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got through reading

the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the link on the group. It

described my 2nd marriage exactly.

I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that I needed

her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so bad right now. I

have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well. My son is away at school

and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long story

short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my father, i know he

was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he was a liar. she said no or

she didn't think so. so then i implied that the liar part came from her. of

course, she had to go and eat her dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was

being solved. All she wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits

her.

So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and I have

always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe that I deserve

any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me. I am hurting so much

and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment and let go. I am

also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with developmental delay/autism.

and I worry about what will happen to her.

Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

Thanks in advance. Felicia

[Guest guest]

First of all, being unemployed is scary. Having a disabled child is

anxiety-provoking along with other fearful things, but having a nada:

priceless(NOT)!

Think about it: you're between a rock and a hard place. Everyone wants or needs

a piece of you and you don't have a job. Sounds like childhood with nada! No

amount of job/money/perfect behavior was enough, nada needed you to be there for

her, and now, your dear child, who has a very legitimate problem also needs you.

No wonder you're having a rough time, it's totally normal of you! Normal normal

normal my dear.

One good exercize is to read archived messages here, they are so validating. So

many things we thought were normal, or our fault, this group proves that it was

always nada as the cause and effect! And Google BPD and read all you can. Once

you get some information under your belt, you will see clearly what's going on

and you will be able to handle so much more.

You will find work, you will find a good program for your daughter when she

comes of age and you will get past the machinations of nada! Stay here, stay

close, read, post and pray!!

Hugs,

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>

>So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be... I am

hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment

and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with

developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

>Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>

[Guest guest]

First of all, being unemployed is scary. Having a disabled child is

anxiety-provoking along with other fearful things, but having a nada:

priceless(NOT)!

Think about it: you're between a rock and a hard place. Everyone wants or needs

a piece of you and you don't have a job. Sounds like childhood with nada! No

amount of job/money/perfect behavior was enough, nada needed you to be there for

her, and now, your dear child, who has a very legitimate problem also needs you.

No wonder you're having a rough time, it's totally normal of you! Normal normal

normal my dear.

One good exercize is to read archived messages here, they are so validating. So

many things we thought were normal, or our fault, this group proves that it was

always nada as the cause and effect! And Google BPD and read all you can. Once

you get some information under your belt, you will see clearly what's going on

and you will be able to handle so much more.

You will find work, you will find a good program for your daughter when she

comes of age and you will get past the machinations of nada! Stay here, stay

close, read, post and pray!!

Hugs,

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>

>So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be... I am

hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment

and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with

developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

>Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>

[Guest guest]

First of all, being unemployed is scary. Having a disabled child is

anxiety-provoking along with other fearful things, but having a nada:

priceless(NOT)!

Think about it: you're between a rock and a hard place. Everyone wants or needs

a piece of you and you don't have a job. Sounds like childhood with nada! No

amount of job/money/perfect behavior was enough, nada needed you to be there for

her, and now, your dear child, who has a very legitimate problem also needs you.

No wonder you're having a rough time, it's totally normal of you! Normal normal

normal my dear.

One good exercize is to read archived messages here, they are so validating. So

many things we thought were normal, or our fault, this group proves that it was

always nada as the cause and effect! And Google BPD and read all you can. Once

you get some information under your belt, you will see clearly what's going on

and you will be able to handle so much more.

You will find work, you will find a good program for your daughter when she

comes of age and you will get past the machinations of nada! Stay here, stay

close, read, post and pray!!

Hugs,

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>

>So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be... I am

hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment

and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with

developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

>Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>

[Guest guest]

Felicia,

Sorry you are hurting. BTW, I have a grandson with Asperger s ( an

autism spectrum disorder.)

Advice, short version. More to follow later, but for now...

Don t make decisions based on bullshit emotions.

Don t blame yourself for everthing bad in your life.

Don t buy the inner tapes that say you are worthless.

Give yourself permission to grieve the shitty place you are in, without

wallowing in blame and shame.

Get ahold of the book Safe People, by Dr s Cloud and Townsend. These

are the guys who wrote Bounderies, which you have heard mentioned on

here as well. Read it.

Tie a knot in your rope and hang on.

Doug

>

> I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got

through reading the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the

link on the group. It described my 2nd marriage exactly.

>

> I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that

I needed her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so

bad right now. I have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well.

My son is away at school and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

> I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long

story short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my

father, i know he was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he

was a liar. she said no or she didn't think so. so then i implied that

the liar part came from her. of course, she had to go and eat her

dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was being solved. All she

wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits her.

>

> So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and

I have always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe

that I deserve any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me.

I am hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in

the moment and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old

daughter with developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will

happen to her.

>

> Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with

my emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any

advice?

>

> Thanks in advance. Felicia

>

[Guest guest]

Felicia,

Sorry you are hurting. BTW, I have a grandson with Asperger s ( an

autism spectrum disorder.)

Advice, short version. More to follow later, but for now...

Don t make decisions based on bullshit emotions.

Don t blame yourself for everthing bad in your life.

Don t buy the inner tapes that say you are worthless.

Give yourself permission to grieve the shitty place you are in, without

wallowing in blame and shame.

Get ahold of the book Safe People, by Dr s Cloud and Townsend. These

are the guys who wrote Bounderies, which you have heard mentioned on

here as well. Read it.

Tie a knot in your rope and hang on.

Doug

>

> I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got

through reading the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the

link on the group. It described my 2nd marriage exactly.

>

> I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that

I needed her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so

bad right now. I have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well.

My son is away at school and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

> I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long

story short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my

father, i know he was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he

was a liar. she said no or she didn't think so. so then i implied that

the liar part came from her. of course, she had to go and eat her

dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was being solved. All she

wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits her.

>

> So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and

I have always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe

that I deserve any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me.

I am hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in

the moment and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old

daughter with developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will

happen to her.

>

> Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with

my emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any

advice?

>

> Thanks in advance. Felicia

>

[Guest guest]

Felicia,

Sorry you are hurting. BTW, I have a grandson with Asperger s ( an

autism spectrum disorder.)

Advice, short version. More to follow later, but for now...

Don t make decisions based on bullshit emotions.

Don t blame yourself for everthing bad in your life.

Don t buy the inner tapes that say you are worthless.

Give yourself permission to grieve the shitty place you are in, without

wallowing in blame and shame.

Get ahold of the book Safe People, by Dr s Cloud and Townsend. These

are the guys who wrote Bounderies, which you have heard mentioned on

here as well. Read it.

Tie a knot in your rope and hang on.

Doug

>

> I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got

through reading the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the

link on the group. It described my 2nd marriage exactly.

>

> I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that

I needed her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so

bad right now. I have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well.

My son is away at school and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

> I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long

story short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my

father, i know he was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he

was a liar. she said no or she didn't think so. so then i implied that

the liar part came from her. of course, she had to go and eat her

dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was being solved. All she

wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits her.

>

> So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and

I have always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe

that I deserve any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me.

I am hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in

the moment and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old

daughter with developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will

happen to her.

>

> Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with

my emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any

advice?

>

> Thanks in advance. Felicia

>

[Guest guest]

Felicia--

Not much advice. Just cyber hugs. ((((((((HUG)))))))).

It's not you. You are not over-reacting, being over-emotional, or

over-anything. You are actually showing great strength by asking the question.

Most folks would have choked on the difficulty of it all by now. You, however,

are choosing a healthier route, no matter how painful. Good for you.

It also sounds like you are in that intensely painful place, realizing you

didn't get what you legitimately needed in life. That is a necessary part of

the process, and I applaud you for looking at those truths that are difficult to

see. BUT IT HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS!! So give yourself some grace as well as

some kudos.

Finally, do your reasonable best and accept it as good. We KOs can turn

anything into a performance contest with ourselves. Even sitting in our

emotions can become " do this perfectly or you're a failure. " You don't have to

do it all right now. You just have to keep moving forward, however slowly.

Don't force yourself to heal to a degree that becomes toxic or far too

difficult.

Hope that makes sense. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've shed two

liar loser husbands in my life, and there is simply nothing easy or

straightforward about the process. You have my sympathies.

Blessings,

Karla

p.s. If you don't have a good therapist yet, I'd HIGHLY recommend it! I could

have never ever done my healing journey without one.

>

> I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got through

reading the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the link on the group.

It described my 2nd marriage exactly.

>

> I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that I needed

her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so bad right now. I

have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well. My son is away at school

and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

> I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long story

short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my father, i know he

was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he was a liar. she said no or

she didn't think so. so then i implied that the liar part came from her. of

course, she had to go and eat her dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was

being solved. All she wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits

her.

>

> So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and I have

always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe that I deserve

any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me. I am hurting so much

and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment and let go. I am

also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with developmental delay/autism.

and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

> Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>

> Thanks in advance. Felicia

>

[Guest guest]

Felicia--

Not much advice. Just cyber hugs. ((((((((HUG)))))))).

It's not you. You are not over-reacting, being over-emotional, or

over-anything. You are actually showing great strength by asking the question.

Most folks would have choked on the difficulty of it all by now. You, however,

are choosing a healthier route, no matter how painful. Good for you.

It also sounds like you are in that intensely painful place, realizing you

didn't get what you legitimately needed in life. That is a necessary part of

the process, and I applaud you for looking at those truths that are difficult to

see. BUT IT HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS!! So give yourself some grace as well as

some kudos.

Finally, do your reasonable best and accept it as good. We KOs can turn

anything into a performance contest with ourselves. Even sitting in our

emotions can become " do this perfectly or you're a failure. " You don't have to

do it all right now. You just have to keep moving forward, however slowly.

Don't force yourself to heal to a degree that becomes toxic or far too

difficult.

Hope that makes sense. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've shed two

liar loser husbands in my life, and there is simply nothing easy or

straightforward about the process. You have my sympathies.

Blessings,

Karla

p.s. If you don't have a good therapist yet, I'd HIGHLY recommend it! I could

have never ever done my healing journey without one.

>

> I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got through

reading the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the link on the group.

It described my 2nd marriage exactly.

>

> I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that I needed

her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so bad right now. I

have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well. My son is away at school

and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

> I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long story

short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my father, i know he

was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he was a liar. she said no or

she didn't think so. so then i implied that the liar part came from her. of

course, she had to go and eat her dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was

being solved. All she wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits

her.

>

> So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and I have

always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe that I deserve

any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me. I am hurting so much

and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment and let go. I am

also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with developmental delay/autism.

and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

> Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>

> Thanks in advance. Felicia

>

[Guest guest]

Felicia--

Not much advice. Just cyber hugs. ((((((((HUG)))))))).

It's not you. You are not over-reacting, being over-emotional, or

over-anything. You are actually showing great strength by asking the question.

Most folks would have choked on the difficulty of it all by now. You, however,

are choosing a healthier route, no matter how painful. Good for you.

It also sounds like you are in that intensely painful place, realizing you

didn't get what you legitimately needed in life. That is a necessary part of

the process, and I applaud you for looking at those truths that are difficult to

see. BUT IT HURTS LIKE THE DICKENS!! So give yourself some grace as well as

some kudos.

Finally, do your reasonable best and accept it as good. We KOs can turn

anything into a performance contest with ourselves. Even sitting in our

emotions can become " do this perfectly or you're a failure. " You don't have to

do it all right now. You just have to keep moving forward, however slowly.

Don't force yourself to heal to a degree that becomes toxic or far too

difficult.

Hope that makes sense. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've shed two

liar loser husbands in my life, and there is simply nothing easy or

straightforward about the process. You have my sympathies.

Blessings,

Karla

p.s. If you don't have a good therapist yet, I'd HIGHLY recommend it! I could

have never ever done my healing journey without one.

>

> I would welcome any and all feedback on my thoughts. I just got through

reading the traits of a " Loser " from somebody that posted the link on the group.

It described my 2nd marriage exactly.

>

> I called my Nada yesterday and I don't know why. The realization that I needed

her and that she has never been there for me has me hurting so bad right now. I

have hit menopause too so I am very emotional as well. My son is away at school

and is struggling. I was very hurt and angry.

> I also have had conversations with my ex's first wife. anyway, long story

short-I married lazy liars twice. So I was asking her about my father, i know he

was lazy and didn't want to work so i asked her if he was a liar. she said no or

she didn't think so. so then i implied that the liar part came from her. of

course, she had to go and eat her dinner. it was 6pm. And of course, nothing was

being solved. All she wants is this superficial phone relationship when it suits

her.

>

> So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be and I have

always had to be there for her, I think deep down I don't believe that I deserve

any better than I a lazy liar who is never there for me. I am hurting so much

and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment and let go. I am

also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with developmental delay/autism.

and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

> Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>

> Thanks in advance. Felicia

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Flowers. I am feeling better today. I volunteered to be a party parent in

the Nutcracker performance that my daughter has been doing for 10 years.

Something I have always wanted to do but always to afraid. So I am making

progress in my recovery. of course i find myself wanting to quit and stay home.

But actually having to go out and interact with positive healthy people is good

for me i think.

I also am learning that sometimes i am going to feel bad and just to sit with

it. we were never allowed to express OUR feelings. it was always catering to the

child like parent's whims and needs. and somehow these feelings were labeled as

bad. Like we weren't even supposed to feel this way. Guilt on top of it. Thanks

again.

Felicia Ward CPA

  " It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man

stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit

belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust

and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and

again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does

actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great

devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end

the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he

fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and

timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. "

 

Subject: Re: question for Doug or somebody with years of

recovery

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, November 27, 2010, 9:26 PM

 

First of all, being unemployed is scary. Having a disabled child is

anxiety-provoking along with other fearful things, but having a nada:

priceless(NOT)!

Think about it: you're between a rock and a hard place. Everyone wants or needs

a piece of you and you don't have a job. Sounds like childhood with nada! No

amount of job/money/perfect behavior was enough, nada needed you to be there for

her, and now, your dear child, who has a very legitimate problem also needs you.

No wonder you're having a rough time, it's totally normal of you! Normal normal

normal my dear.

One good exercize is to read archived messages here, they are so validating. So

many things we thought were normal, or our fault, this group proves that it was

always nada as the cause and effect! And Google BPD and read all you can. Once

you get some information under your belt, you will see clearly what's going on

and you will be able to handle so much more.

You will find work, you will find a good program for your daughter when she

comes of age and you will get past the machinations of nada! Stay here, stay

close, read, post and pray!!

Hugs,

Flowers

-----Original Message-----

>

>So I realize because she was never there for me and never will be... I am

hurting so much and have been trying all the techniques to live in the moment

and let go. I am also unemployed. I have a 16 year old daughter with

developmental delay/autism. and I worry about what will happen to her.

>

>Anyway, I feel so alone and fearful right now. I just can't sit with my

emotions. Especially the sad and painful ones. Do you guys have any advice?

>