Re: Re: Fw: I am new to the group

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Thank you so much for your support.Finding this group is such a gift,although

it is distressing to know so many have had parents like mine.For years I

wondered why my nada and I could not have a good relationship and the same with

my fada.

It is difficult as these people age to decide what my responsibilities are to

both the nada and fada.Also,there have been some good times and memories,but

they are usually ruined when the bad behavior surfaces.

I read a blog recently from a therapist with a BPD mother ,that her relationship

with her nada was like hugging a snake.That is how I feel about mine.My husband

says it will never matter how much we do for either of them,they will always

want more.He says she has an empty black hole that will never be filled.My nada

has admitted she is never really happy,when I suggested therapy for her she said

she tried that once and it did not work.She also says she feels that she has

been a good enough mother and that she does not want her mistakes pointed out to

her ever again.I do stand up for myself when goes into her rages now.Of course

after one of her rages it does level me for a couple of days.

I will continue to read and learn.

Thank again,

nn

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, November 11, 2010 5:14:09 PM

Subject: Re: Fw: I am new to the group

Hi nn,

Welcome to the Group.

Deciding what you can and can't accept or tolerate regarding your bpd mother's

behaviors is something *only you* can do for yourself.

You have the right to decide which of her behaviors you can handle, and which

ones make you ill or further damage you emotionally.

You have the right to set boundaries for yourself, such as (for example)

deciding that you will only allow one phone call a week from your bpd mother, or

that you will not allow her to discuss certain topics with you, or that you will

not allow her to scream horrible, insulting names at you, etc. The boundaries

are totally your choice, if you even want to set any boundaries. For example,

if your mother starts screaming at you over the phone and calling you vile

names, its not being mean or cruel or disrespectful to say something like, " I

understand that you're upset now and you only want to yell at me, so, I'll talk

to you later. I'm hanging up now, 'bye. "

That sort of thing. That's just being assertive and emotionally detached, not

cruel and not even disrespectful.

Its all very individual. Some of us adult kids of pd parents can handle low

contact with boundaries in place, and some of us can't and need to go

no-contact, either temporarily or permanently.

If you're feeling that you have no choice but to accept intrusiveness,

enmeshment, exploitation, or emotional abuse from your mother because that is

" the Christian thing to do " , then you might want to check out the website " Luke

17:3 Ministries " . Its a site that explains what spiritual abuse is and it

points out various Biblical passages that illustrate clearly that its OK to

stand up for yourself, protect yourself and others from abuse, and you can do

that without " dishonoring " your abusive parent(s).

-Annie

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> ----- Forwarded Message ----

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> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Wed, November 10, 2010 6:51:21 PM

> Subject: I am new to the group

>

>

> Hi,

> I am new to this group and have just begun reading the book 'Walking on

> Eggshells'.I am 48 years old and have spent the better part of my grownup

years

>

> trying to figure out what was wrong with both of my parents.The book is

>shedding

>

> a huge light on the problem big time.

> My nada has verbally abused me and controlled or tried to control almost my

> entire life.I was my nada's servant or slave (as my brother called me)all of

my

>

> life.I was made to stay home and clean the house with my nada every Saturday.I

> also had to race home from school everyday and make sure I made the

>beds,cleaned

>

> the bathrooms and vacuum the entire house and most nights start dinner.If I

> didn't complete all of these tasks she would not speak to me for days or just

>be

>

> really cold and rude.On bad day she would she would scream and rage at me.One

> time my friends left an old vacuum in our front yard as joke because I could

>not

>

> go to the mall with them on a Saturday and my Mom lost her mind slapped me and

> then didn't speak to me for at least 3 weeks.

> My nada never has had any boundaries,I was not allowed to have my door closed

> ever.If I was reading or doing homework,it was interrupted by both parents

> asking why I always had my head in a book and wasn't paying attention to

>them.My

>

> nada and fada still have no boundaries and will show up at my house anytime

>they

>

> chose and expect me to drop everything to pay attention to them.

> Both my parents favored my brother,he was the golden child,at dinner I was not

> allowed to interrupt him speaking or I would be rebuked.

> My nada and fada have been divorced for a long time,they divorced while I was

>in

>

> my 20's.I remarried 6 years ago and my nada manipulated and lied to my new

> husband and both of my daughters in an effort to try to destroy my marriage.My

> nada lies to everyone,my husband says if her lips are moving she is telling a

> pack of lies.We recently discovered she has severely mismanaged her finances

>and

>

> we are going in to take over and clean up the mess.I would rather not do

> this,however the alternative is having her have to live with us or put her in

>a

>

> home.I am problems with extreme guilt and if I am doing something,like

>traveling

>

> with my husband I feel like I am in trouble because my Mom is mad at for doing

> something she does not approve of ,or is not with me getting to do the fun

> thing.My nada drinks scotch every night and I suspect is a closet alcoholic as

> well.

> My husband has accepted a new job in another city so we are moving which we

are

>

> really looking forward to,however,more meltdowns are sure to follow by both

the

>

> fada and nada.

> My fada has turned into an alcoholic in last 5 years and tried to kill

himself

>

> 2 years ago at Christmas.Two weeks ago the police called me as we were leaving

> church and said they had my Dad on bench outside a very expensive restaurant

in

>

> our neighborhood and he could not stand up or walk.The next day when I spoke

to

>

> him he said a nice man from the bar took him home.My Dad spends all of his

>money

>

> and is constantly asking us for money.We already pay his cell phone bill every

> month.

> I am seriously considering just cutting all ties with both the fada and the

> nada,my issue is the guilt and I my faith in God.I am morally conflicted.My

> brother is a recovering drug addict who has been in and out of prison in the

> last 10 years.He lost his wife and children and his job of course.He has been

a

>

> drug addict since he was 15.

> I am looking for support and advice.I am also looking for a therapist as I

have

>

> reached the end of my rope with these people.What I wrote above is only the

tip

>

> of the iceberg in what my nada and fada have both done and put me

through.Just

>

> didn't want to overwhelm on my very first post.I need to get the hang of

this,I

>

> have never been part of a group before.

>

> Thanks for the advice.

> wavegoodbye2004

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