Re: Fw: I am new to the group

November 11, 2010

Hi nn,

Annie's given you some really good advice. I'll add a little to

it. You say you're morally conflicted about cutting ties. That's

understandable. It might help to think about it from a different

angle. Our expectations of how family relationships should work

depend on all the family members being relatively mentally

healthy, or at least not abusive in their mental illnesses if

they have any. When the parents have serious mental problems, it

isn't possible for anyone to be the ideal of a daughter or son

because the parents can't act as parents. In your case, it

sounds like your family is both abusive to you and

self-destructive. I do not believe that there is any moral

imperative to allow yourself to be abused. That can be hard to

convince yourself of though. Beyond that, I do not believe that

enabling people to be abusive and/or self-destructive is good

for them. You're not just doing what's best for you if you stop

allowing it. You're often doing what's best for them too. By

removing yourself from your nada's circle of misbehavior, you're

removing a big temptation for her to misbehave. People with BPD

tend to reserve the worst of their misbehavior for the people

closest to them. Allowing yourself to be available to be abused

is like putting a big bowl of candy in front of a small child.

There's just too much temptation to be resisted. By not giving

your fada money or paying his cell phone bill you're taking away

some of what lets him drink to excess. People with addictions

will make use of whatever they can to continue their addiction.

Not giving him financial help might result in him hitting rock

bottom before he decides to get some help with his alcoholism,

but that's likely to happen sooner or later anyway and you might

as well let it be sooner before even more harm is done.

On the matter of your brother, being the golden child is not

necessarily much better for a child's mental health than being

the " bad " one. Your brother's suffering may have been pretty bad

too, just very different from yours. If he is trying to recover

from his drug addiction, it is possible that he will do so. One

of my cousins ran away from home at 15 and became a meth addict.

He was in and out of prison for years and for the most part no

one knew where he was or how to contact him when he wasn't

locked up. He's been clean for something like 2-1/2 years now

and seems to be doing well. Whether or not he gets his addiction

under control, you need to do what's best for you, your husband

and your own children.

At 05:26 PM 11/11/2010 nn Bradley wrote:

>Hi,

>I am new to this group and have just begun reading the book

>'Walking on

>Eggshells'.I am 48 years old and have spent the better part of

>my grownup years

>trying to figure out what was wrong with both of my parents.The

>book is shedding

>a huge light on the problem big time.

>My nada has verbally abused me and controlled or tried to

>control almost my

>entire life.I was my nada's servant or slave (as my brother

>called me)all of my

>life.I was made to stay home and clean the house with my nada

>every Saturday.I

>also had to race home from school everyday and make sure I made

>the beds,cleaned

>the bathrooms and vacuum the entire house and most nights start

>dinner.If I

>didn't complete all of these tasks she would not speak to me

>for days or just be

>really cold and rude.On bad day she would she would scream and

>rage at me.One

>time my friends left an old vacuum in our front yard as joke

>because I could not

>go to the mall with them on a Saturday and my Mom lost her mind

>slapped me and

>then didn't speak to me for at least 3 weeks.

>My nada never has had any boundaries,I was not allowed to have

>my door closed

>ever.If I was reading or doing homework,it was interrupted by

>both parents

>asking why I always had my head in a book and wasn't paying

>attention to them.My

>nada and fada still have no boundaries and will show up at my

>house anytime they

>chose and expect me to drop everything to pay attention to

>them.

>Both my parents favored my brother,he was the golden child,at

>dinner I was not

>allowed to interrupt him speaking or I would be rebuked.

>My nada and fada have been divorced for a long time,they

>divorced while I was in

>my 20's.I remarried 6 years ago and my nada manipulated and

>lied to my new

>husband and both of my daughters in an effort to try to destroy

>my marriage.My

>nada lies to everyone,my husband says if her lips are moving

>she is telling a

>pack of lies.We recently discovered she has severely mismanaged

>her finances and

>we are going in to take over and clean up the mess.I would

>rather not do

>this,however the alternative is having her have to live with

>us or put her in a

>home.I am problems with extreme guilt and if I am doing

>something,like traveling

>with my husband I feel like I am in trouble because my Mom is

>mad at for doing

>something she does not approve of ,or is not with me getting to

>do the fun

>thing.My nada drinks scotch every night and I suspect is a

>closet alcoholic as

>well.

>My husband has accepted a new job in another city so we are

>moving which we are

>really looking forward to,however,more meltdowns are sure to

>follow by both the

>fada and nada.

>My fada has turned into an alcoholic in last 5 years and tried

>to kill himself

>2 years ago at Christmas.Two weeks ago the police called me as

>we were leaving

>church and said they had my Dad on bench outside a very

>expensive restaurant in

>our neighborhood and he could not stand up or walk.The next day

>when I spoke to

>him he said a nice man from the bar took him home.My Dad spends

>all of his money

>and is constantly asking us for money.We already pay his cell

>phone bill every

>month.

>I am seriously considering just cutting all ties with both the

>fada and the

>nada,my issue is the guilt and I my faith in God.I am morally

>conflicted.My

>brother is a recovering drug addict who has been in and out of

>prison in the

>last 10 years.He lost his wife and children and his job of

>course.He has been a

>drug addict since he was 15.

>I am looking for support and advice.I am also looking for a

>therapist as I have

>reached the end of my rope with these people.What I wrote above

>is only the tip

>of the iceberg in what my nada and fada have both done and put

>me through.Just

>didn't want to overwhelm on my very first post.I need to get

>the hang of this,I

>have never been part of a group before.

>

>Thanks for the advice.

>wavegoodbye2004

--

Katrina

November 11, 2010

Katrina,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice.Several times in my life I have

tried to put distance between my self and both the nada and the fada.Somehow I

always get sucked back in to their lives,usually due to some medical event in

their lives.

The other night I did suggest therapy to my nada and she said she went 5 years

ago and it didn't help.This was after she complained that she hates being alone

every night.I was told that I should be spending time with her at night.,she

should be invited over more and included in more.However,when she is included

there is usually tension that she brings into the house or some sort of rude

comments.The nada has been included too much and sometimes her friends are

included in social gatherings and events in our home.This usually results in her

pointing out any gift she has given for the house.My nada will give gifts but

expect payment in return.

I think I am always just so guilt ridden over my parents ( I am aware I have no

reason to feel guilty),I do things for them not for them,but more to just

alleviate my own guilt.So clearly,I need lots of therapy.I have 48 years of

pain,guilt and frustration over these people.

Thanks again for the sound advice.

Sincerely,

nn

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, November 11, 2010 9:12:42 PM

Subject: Re: Fw: I am new to the group