Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Your situation sounds so familiar to me. My Nada controlled the purse strings while I was in college, too, even though she wasn't even making all the money. She was ruler over my Fada somehow too. She would tell him- " If you give her money, I want the very same amount for myself from you. " Lovely. I feel brain washed in saying, I humbled myself and dealt with my Nada all through college. I had wonderful support from my friends. I didn't have the fortune to know what her diagnosis was then. I just knew it was weird the way she behaved. My Nada was hell to me until I was about 22 or 23 years old. I tried my best to come close and humbly beseech her for more porridge when I needed to and back away in the terrible times. I feel like knowing something is wrong, being able to weather that storm for the time you can and eventually making a choice on how much involvement you would like your Nada to have in your life gives you a certain level of mental strength. Last night I laughed to myself, because I feel like I am due a military commendation for surviving the struggle my entire childhood and numerous adult years. I feel like I have been through combat and there is nothing any person can do or say to me in the outside world that is worse than what my own Nada did and said to me. The ultimate thing is you have to decide what you can handle and what you can't. Depending on a Nada, especially for money in college, is like being trapped between a rock in a very hard place. If you can't handle the abuse...there are options that go with that choice (getting extra job or etc) and if you can hang in options go with that choice too. The tough thing I always found then was trying to avoid angering or alienating my Nada, because I still had to depend on her. It is tightrope. If you have made it this far, you can definitely keep walking on the rope. I can only imagine what you have endured to date. My thoughts are with you. > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > do with the obvious issue: control. > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > lands today. > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > greatly appreciate it. > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Elle, What a pretty name. Nice to meet you. sorry you have a nada too. Well, i don't know how to fix the past, but going forward, one simple rule. Never Ever share anything with nada that you care about - money, pet, car, spouse, friends, your children - she will take take take take. Personally, I'd probably turn my back on the loans already had, assume that I would pay every penny myself despite her involvement, i would not fight for the money (she would love it if you fought her, but to turn your back and ignore her is like death to her), i would be willing to take longer in college and work more hours - if it meant I could be nada free. It's like the TV commercial says " priceless. " Or like the song - their must be 50 ways to leave your nada. Leave now. Its a lot like a divorce, but you won't get a certificate you can frame and there is no legality to it at your age. You are young and have a beautiful life ahead. Start looking for a therapist you click with, because you will need it. We all do. Hugs, good luck > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > do with the obvious issue: control. > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > lands today. > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > greatly appreciate it. > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > Elle > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 , Wow, that's terrible, to say the least One of the worst things about a BP's ability to trap you, I think, is cutting off outside support. They can be SO PURSUASIVE. I know that doesn't even begin to cover it...Not to mention the manipulation in your life, probably obligation or guilt, am I right? As far as taking care of your parents even when they won't take care of you... I wish you luck. Just wondering, do you see a therapist? I haven't been able to see mine in awhile (one more thing I have to ask nada for, and she's never liked the T, mostly because she taught me how to get well again!), but I know that if you find one who is professional, insightful, and who you mesh well with, they can really help you out mentally, even if the reality of the situation can't change. Again, best of luck. Hang in there, Elle > > > Subject: Financial woes... > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Tuesday, December 14, 2010, 10:20 AM > > > > > > > > Â > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 , Wow, that's terrible, to say the least One of the worst things about a BP's ability to trap you, I think, is cutting off outside support. They can be SO PURSUASIVE. I know that doesn't even begin to cover it...Not to mention the manipulation in your life, probably obligation or guilt, am I right? As far as taking care of your parents even when they won't take care of you... I wish you luck. Just wondering, do you see a therapist? I haven't been able to see mine in awhile (one more thing I have to ask nada for, and she's never liked the T, mostly because she taught me how to get well again!), but I know that if you find one who is professional, insightful, and who you mesh well with, they can really help you out mentally, even if the reality of the situation can't change. Again, best of luck. Hang in there, Elle > > > Subject: Financial woes... > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Tuesday, December 14, 2010, 10:20 AM > > > > > > > > Â > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Girlscout, hi. Thanks for your kind words. I realized something when I read your post, and it reminded me of something important...I don't know how I got into this situation, but I remember thinking after I realized how she'd sucked me in that " Oh well, it'll make her happy since she loves control so much... " What a twisted idea! To just let her indulge in her illness and torture me for countless years. But it made so much sense at the time. Wow, you can tell I'm a KO. What you said, though, is right. I need to figure out what to do in the future. I am beginning to think that maybe I won't be able to get out while I'm an undergrad, but once I start grad school, I will certainly have more opportunities and will definitely be taking loans out in my OWN name!! Thanks A LOT - I mean it. Reading this post allowed me to shift my frame of reference and think of the future. Thank you, Elle > > > > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 You know, I had a therapist that was ordered by the court when my Father had me arrested. I have a learning disability that is hard, damn near impossible to diagnose here in the U.S. There is very little awareness of it and the problem is the symptoms of the disability are interpreted as a mental illness. It's called dyspraxia and causes short term memory, concentration, motor control, vision, speech, muscle strength, bla, bla, blah problems that are not consistent and so trained psychologists interpret that as a mental disorder. I've been to neurologists and they see a seizure disorder but there is no treatment for that. Specialized testing is available but is cash only. No insurance company pays for it. So, I whole heartedly hate psychologists and wish them the worst possible death imaginable. I needed the approval of the last one to move back into my Father's house from living in a tent on the lawn and they made me wait 4 months to do so. I finally threatened to sue and file a formal complaint with the American Psychological Association and they conceded. I've seen psychologists since I was a little kid and all they did was torture me my whole life. This caused me not to go to college, carry on any friendships as a kid, and have a nervous breakdown at 13 where I needed to be institutionalized for 8 months. Anyhoo....I don't like them. Too bad, they could've solved everything if they weren't narcissistic about their god given ability to diagnose a fucking feather. I'm calm now..thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 You know, I had a therapist that was ordered by the court when my Father had me arrested. I have a learning disability that is hard, damn near impossible to diagnose here in the U.S. There is very little awareness of it and the problem is the symptoms of the disability are interpreted as a mental illness. It's called dyspraxia and causes short term memory, concentration, motor control, vision, speech, muscle strength, bla, bla, blah problems that are not consistent and so trained psychologists interpret that as a mental disorder. I've been to neurologists and they see a seizure disorder but there is no treatment for that. Specialized testing is available but is cash only. No insurance company pays for it. So, I whole heartedly hate psychologists and wish them the worst possible death imaginable. I needed the approval of the last one to move back into my Father's house from living in a tent on the lawn and they made me wait 4 months to do so. I finally threatened to sue and file a formal complaint with the American Psychological Association and they conceded. I've seen psychologists since I was a little kid and all they did was torture me my whole life. This caused me not to go to college, carry on any friendships as a kid, and have a nervous breakdown at 13 where I needed to be institutionalized for 8 months. Anyhoo....I don't like them. Too bad, they could've solved everything if they weren't narcissistic about their god given ability to diagnose a fucking feather. I'm calm now..thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 But I think you're right. I'd love a psychologist that understands dyspraxia and borderline personality disorder but that's gotta be rare. I've got bigger problems right now. 7 years ago after I lost my business to my Dad's meddling, I starting to grind my teeth when sleeping. I grounded my molars flat and didn't even know it. Apparently this was the time I was screaming profanities when I was sleeping every night for about 2 years. Now, my teeth are filled with cavities. I begged my mother for some money to fix it but nah why would she. They're breaking now and I have a little breakdown in private 'bout once a week since I have no job or hope of getting a job with a domestic disorderly conviction (like domestic violence) on my record. Almost got a job at Burger King last year as a manager but they checked my credit and criminal history. Just for the record, it's the only charge I have. So, I pray everyday my front teeth don't break any more. Hell, I had to violate my probation last year to take care of my stroked out Father. After living of fear of being arrested on the street for a year, I asked him to pay for an attorney to check if there is a warrant for my arrest. He said why the fuck should I, that's your problem. I still don't know. It's just his little control freak isolation tactic. He even mocks me when I won't answer the front door when the doorbell goes off. I do imagine about killing him 'bout once every 10 minutes thou. It helps. Phew, I went negative there.....I gotta stop that. Really, I am not that negative all the time. On the positive side, I think I know how to cause nuclear transmutation with electromagnetism. It's something I've been studying with in my vast free time. (Nerd alert!) Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Elle, Reading Girlscouts reply made me think. When I was your age and just really learning that nada was indeed crazy, and I had been right, I was about 4 hours away in another state going to college. Nada was always threatening to cut me off. (This kept my passive father in line, too, b/c he knew he couldnt pay for my college without her help.) I was terrified of having to leave my friends at school and return to live with my parents. Looking back on it, I wish I would have known that there were other options, and how to research them. For example, I was an out of state student, so it would have been difficult for me to pay tuition on my own. But I could have worked for a year and established residency. Nada knew my fears and controlled me with them. And I also didnt have the confidence to think I could make it on my own, but lots of people do it. You may want to look at other options. Girlscout is right. It would take the wind right out of her sails. Joanna > > > > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Elle, Something sort of similar happened to me after high school when I left home to study sculpture in Paris.Of course nada was dead set against me going at all and pulled all kinds of crap to get me to change my mind. My grandmother had started a college fund for me when I was born and I had planned out how I was going to make that money last for the couple of years (I assumed) I was going to be apprenticing in the sculpture studio I had found that was willing to take me on.It would have been enough to pay tuition,rent something modest like an efficiency apartment or share a place with other students and have some spare spending money. Nada and fada had put *nothing* aside for college for me but I figured I'd make out ok with my grandmother's fund,which I factored into all my decisions about going to Paris,and which involved quite a bit of careful planning.But I did it and I was all set to have everything go according to plan--and in the meantime while I was putting all of this together,nada somehow convinced my grandmother on the sly to *transfer the entire college fund into HER bank account*.You can imagine what happened next... Now *nada* controlled that fund.Since the fund had never been in my name in any way whatsoever,once that money was in her bank account it was effectively *hers*. She let me go to Paris (on a plane ticket I had bought with my own money from a summer job) believing that she would send me the money I needed for tuition and rent once I found rented accomodation.I had about enough money for the first month there but that was all. When I phoned her to let her know exactly how much money I was going to need,she refused to send it.She was making this big,lying deal about the amount I asked for along the lines of: " Well,you didn't say before the tuition was going to be *that much* " ... " Well,you didn't say before you were going to have to pay *that much* in rent " ...Lies! I had calculated how to spend that college fund practically down to the penny and had made it very clear to her before I left that I had no intention of just frittering it away but was going to be very careful to make it last as long as possible. Apparently she thought that by refusing me the money I'd give up and come home with my tail between my legs.Or,if that didn't work,that I'd have to beg and beg her for the money every time I needed it.Beg and plead. Long story short,I ended up finding myself an au pair job.I had to really struggle to pay the sculpture tuition which ironically wasn't really very expensive (and was much less than it would have cost to pay my tuition at a college in the States) and sometimes I was late paying.Which made me feel like a beggar anyway since I had to rely on the sculptor's kindess and understanding when I had to ask him to please wait a while longer for my tuition--plus it was really humiliating to me because I feel ashamed if I can't fulfill my obligations.But at least I wasn't having to plead with nada for money she might send or might not send depending on her mood. Nada basically stole my college fund.My self esteem had been so shattered,it didn't even occur to me at the time that what she had done was outright theft. The other ironic but in a nastier way thing was that,as a foreign student,I had to renew my student visa every year and each time had to provide " proof " of financial support.So along with the other documentation I needed every year nada had to give me a notarized " letter of support " with a copy of her bank account statement to take to the embassy stating that she was giving me X amount of money every month.It was insane because it was *all a lie*.It was also something she used to manipulate me with because if I wasn't " nice " to her,she could always refuse to give me that letter of support.For support she wasn't even providing! I was constantly worried about getting caught in this lie and knowing that I was lying made me feel like such a creep,like I didn't " deserve " to have my visa renewed--instead of being pissed off that my own mother was deliberately putting me in a compromising position,I blamed myself.I was constantly worried that if it was somehow discovered that I wasn't actually receiving that amount of support money every month from the United States that my visa would be revoked or denied--and that I could get into some sort of trouble for cheating the system,like being banned from entry into France.Even though I was legally paying my own way with my au pair jobs and later tutoring jobs--but these paid less than the " official " amount I was supposed to have every month in order to qualify for the student visa. The other nasty thing is,the money in my college fund would have covered the support requirements for the visa.I think now that nada would have felt smugly " vindicated " if either my visa renewal had been refused or if I got deported. So,yeah,nada had something I definitely needed to do what I wanted to do and that I couldn't get elsewhere: furnishing the " letter of support " --because I would have been refused the visa if I applied for it based on the actual amount of money I was making. That was my mother: a shameless liar and a thief.Because of course she loved to brag to other people about how I was " studying sculpture " in Paris and she acted like she was the one paying for it like any other parent who sends their kid " off to college " . It's really hard to break away from a nada who doesn't want you to unless you are able to just completely cut all ties with her/to her.Maybe you can tough it out for two more years knowing that once you have that degree,you won't need her for *anything*.I strongly recommend,though,that as soon as you have completed your degree that you find out exactly how much money is owed on the loans in your name and to arrange a reasonable payment plan immediately.I'm assuming the loans in your name are the kind that become due upon completion of your education.Only you can ensure that the debt is repaid--and not doing so could result in you being denied further student loans so it's very important that you take charge of whatever debt is in your name.You also don't want your nada to have any financial leverage over you once that is no longer necessary,even if you have to take a full time job right out of college to discharge the bulk of the loans before applying to grad school.I don't know what you're studying but with some types of degrees if you agree to work for certain non profits that are affiliated with a government jobs program for two years,your student debt will be waived--that way,you won't be liable for any debts nada has incurred in your name.You've probably already thought of this but it's vitally important that you extricate yourself from any " loan ties " to nada as soon as you have the resources to do so and before you assume any further debt. You're definitely not alone being in a " crazy nada " situation--and with planning,you *can* break free,even if it's not going to happen tomorrow.Just keep your eyes on the prize and remember that a bright future lies ahead for you. > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > do with the obvious issue: control. > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > lands today. > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > greatly appreciate it. > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Elle, Something sort of similar happened to me after high school when I left home to study sculpture in Paris.Of course nada was dead set against me going at all and pulled all kinds of crap to get me to change my mind. My grandmother had started a college fund for me when I was born and I had planned out how I was going to make that money last for the couple of years (I assumed) I was going to be apprenticing in the sculpture studio I had found that was willing to take me on.It would have been enough to pay tuition,rent something modest like an efficiency apartment or share a place with other students and have some spare spending money. Nada and fada had put *nothing* aside for college for me but I figured I'd make out ok with my grandmother's fund,which I factored into all my decisions about going to Paris,and which involved quite a bit of careful planning.But I did it and I was all set to have everything go according to plan--and in the meantime while I was putting all of this together,nada somehow convinced my grandmother on the sly to *transfer the entire college fund into HER bank account*.You can imagine what happened next... Now *nada* controlled that fund.Since the fund had never been in my name in any way whatsoever,once that money was in her bank account it was effectively *hers*. She let me go to Paris (on a plane ticket I had bought with my own money from a summer job) believing that she would send me the money I needed for tuition and rent once I found rented accomodation.I had about enough money for the first month there but that was all. When I phoned her to let her know exactly how much money I was going to need,she refused to send it.She was making this big,lying deal about the amount I asked for along the lines of: " Well,you didn't say before the tuition was going to be *that much* " ... " Well,you didn't say before you were going to have to pay *that much* in rent " ...Lies! I had calculated how to spend that college fund practically down to the penny and had made it very clear to her before I left that I had no intention of just frittering it away but was going to be very careful to make it last as long as possible. Apparently she thought that by refusing me the money I'd give up and come home with my tail between my legs.Or,if that didn't work,that I'd have to beg and beg her for the money every time I needed it.Beg and plead. Long story short,I ended up finding myself an au pair job.I had to really struggle to pay the sculpture tuition which ironically wasn't really very expensive (and was much less than it would have cost to pay my tuition at a college in the States) and sometimes I was late paying.Which made me feel like a beggar anyway since I had to rely on the sculptor's kindess and understanding when I had to ask him to please wait a while longer for my tuition--plus it was really humiliating to me because I feel ashamed if I can't fulfill my obligations.But at least I wasn't having to plead with nada for money she might send or might not send depending on her mood. Nada basically stole my college fund.My self esteem had been so shattered,it didn't even occur to me at the time that what she had done was outright theft. The other ironic but in a nastier way thing was that,as a foreign student,I had to renew my student visa every year and each time had to provide " proof " of financial support.So along with the other documentation I needed every year nada had to give me a notarized " letter of support " with a copy of her bank account statement to take to the embassy stating that she was giving me X amount of money every month.It was insane because it was *all a lie*.It was also something she used to manipulate me with because if I wasn't " nice " to her,she could always refuse to give me that letter of support.For support she wasn't even providing! I was constantly worried about getting caught in this lie and knowing that I was lying made me feel like such a creep,like I didn't " deserve " to have my visa renewed--instead of being pissed off that my own mother was deliberately putting me in a compromising position,I blamed myself.I was constantly worried that if it was somehow discovered that I wasn't actually receiving that amount of support money every month from the United States that my visa would be revoked or denied--and that I could get into some sort of trouble for cheating the system,like being banned from entry into France.Even though I was legally paying my own way with my au pair jobs and later tutoring jobs--but these paid less than the " official " amount I was supposed to have every month in order to qualify for the student visa. The other nasty thing is,the money in my college fund would have covered the support requirements for the visa.I think now that nada would have felt smugly " vindicated " if either my visa renewal had been refused or if I got deported. So,yeah,nada had something I definitely needed to do what I wanted to do and that I couldn't get elsewhere: furnishing the " letter of support " --because I would have been refused the visa if I applied for it based on the actual amount of money I was making. That was my mother: a shameless liar and a thief.Because of course she loved to brag to other people about how I was " studying sculpture " in Paris and she acted like she was the one paying for it like any other parent who sends their kid " off to college " . It's really hard to break away from a nada who doesn't want you to unless you are able to just completely cut all ties with her/to her.Maybe you can tough it out for two more years knowing that once you have that degree,you won't need her for *anything*.I strongly recommend,though,that as soon as you have completed your degree that you find out exactly how much money is owed on the loans in your name and to arrange a reasonable payment plan immediately.I'm assuming the loans in your name are the kind that become due upon completion of your education.Only you can ensure that the debt is repaid--and not doing so could result in you being denied further student loans so it's very important that you take charge of whatever debt is in your name.You also don't want your nada to have any financial leverage over you once that is no longer necessary,even if you have to take a full time job right out of college to discharge the bulk of the loans before applying to grad school.I don't know what you're studying but with some types of degrees if you agree to work for certain non profits that are affiliated with a government jobs program for two years,your student debt will be waived--that way,you won't be liable for any debts nada has incurred in your name.You've probably already thought of this but it's vitally important that you extricate yourself from any " loan ties " to nada as soon as you have the resources to do so and before you assume any further debt. You're definitely not alone being in a " crazy nada " situation--and with planning,you *can* break free,even if it's not going to happen tomorrow.Just keep your eyes on the prize and remember that a bright future lies ahead for you. > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > do with the obvious issue: control. > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > lands today. > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > greatly appreciate it. > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 14, 2010 Report Share Posted December 14, 2010 Hi Elle, Something sort of similar happened to me after high school when I left home to study sculpture in Paris.Of course nada was dead set against me going at all and pulled all kinds of crap to get me to change my mind. My grandmother had started a college fund for me when I was born and I had planned out how I was going to make that money last for the couple of years (I assumed) I was going to be apprenticing in the sculpture studio I had found that was willing to take me on.It would have been enough to pay tuition,rent something modest like an efficiency apartment or share a place with other students and have some spare spending money. Nada and fada had put *nothing* aside for college for me but I figured I'd make out ok with my grandmother's fund,which I factored into all my decisions about going to Paris,and which involved quite a bit of careful planning.But I did it and I was all set to have everything go according to plan--and in the meantime while I was putting all of this together,nada somehow convinced my grandmother on the sly to *transfer the entire college fund into HER bank account*.You can imagine what happened next... Now *nada* controlled that fund.Since the fund had never been in my name in any way whatsoever,once that money was in her bank account it was effectively *hers*. She let me go to Paris (on a plane ticket I had bought with my own money from a summer job) believing that she would send me the money I needed for tuition and rent once I found rented accomodation.I had about enough money for the first month there but that was all. When I phoned her to let her know exactly how much money I was going to need,she refused to send it.She was making this big,lying deal about the amount I asked for along the lines of: " Well,you didn't say before the tuition was going to be *that much* " ... " Well,you didn't say before you were going to have to pay *that much* in rent " ...Lies! I had calculated how to spend that college fund practically down to the penny and had made it very clear to her before I left that I had no intention of just frittering it away but was going to be very careful to make it last as long as possible. Apparently she thought that by refusing me the money I'd give up and come home with my tail between my legs.Or,if that didn't work,that I'd have to beg and beg her for the money every time I needed it.Beg and plead. Long story short,I ended up finding myself an au pair job.I had to really struggle to pay the sculpture tuition which ironically wasn't really very expensive (and was much less than it would have cost to pay my tuition at a college in the States) and sometimes I was late paying.Which made me feel like a beggar anyway since I had to rely on the sculptor's kindess and understanding when I had to ask him to please wait a while longer for my tuition--plus it was really humiliating to me because I feel ashamed if I can't fulfill my obligations.But at least I wasn't having to plead with nada for money she might send or might not send depending on her mood. Nada basically stole my college fund.My self esteem had been so shattered,it didn't even occur to me at the time that what she had done was outright theft. The other ironic but in a nastier way thing was that,as a foreign student,I had to renew my student visa every year and each time had to provide " proof " of financial support.So along with the other documentation I needed every year nada had to give me a notarized " letter of support " with a copy of her bank account statement to take to the embassy stating that she was giving me X amount of money every month.It was insane because it was *all a lie*.It was also something she used to manipulate me with because if I wasn't " nice " to her,she could always refuse to give me that letter of support.For support she wasn't even providing! I was constantly worried about getting caught in this lie and knowing that I was lying made me feel like such a creep,like I didn't " deserve " to have my visa renewed--instead of being pissed off that my own mother was deliberately putting me in a compromising position,I blamed myself.I was constantly worried that if it was somehow discovered that I wasn't actually receiving that amount of support money every month from the United States that my visa would be revoked or denied--and that I could get into some sort of trouble for cheating the system,like being banned from entry into France.Even though I was legally paying my own way with my au pair jobs and later tutoring jobs--but these paid less than the " official " amount I was supposed to have every month in order to qualify for the student visa. The other nasty thing is,the money in my college fund would have covered the support requirements for the visa.I think now that nada would have felt smugly " vindicated " if either my visa renewal had been refused or if I got deported. So,yeah,nada had something I definitely needed to do what I wanted to do and that I couldn't get elsewhere: furnishing the " letter of support " --because I would have been refused the visa if I applied for it based on the actual amount of money I was making. That was my mother: a shameless liar and a thief.Because of course she loved to brag to other people about how I was " studying sculpture " in Paris and she acted like she was the one paying for it like any other parent who sends their kid " off to college " . It's really hard to break away from a nada who doesn't want you to unless you are able to just completely cut all ties with her/to her.Maybe you can tough it out for two more years knowing that once you have that degree,you won't need her for *anything*.I strongly recommend,though,that as soon as you have completed your degree that you find out exactly how much money is owed on the loans in your name and to arrange a reasonable payment plan immediately.I'm assuming the loans in your name are the kind that become due upon completion of your education.Only you can ensure that the debt is repaid--and not doing so could result in you being denied further student loans so it's very important that you take charge of whatever debt is in your name.You also don't want your nada to have any financial leverage over you once that is no longer necessary,even if you have to take a full time job right out of college to discharge the bulk of the loans before applying to grad school.I don't know what you're studying but with some types of degrees if you agree to work for certain non profits that are affiliated with a government jobs program for two years,your student debt will be waived--that way,you won't be liable for any debts nada has incurred in your name.You've probably already thought of this but it's vitally important that you extricate yourself from any " loan ties " to nada as soon as you have the resources to do so and before you assume any further debt. You're definitely not alone being in a " crazy nada " situation--and with planning,you *can* break free,even if it's not going to happen tomorrow.Just keep your eyes on the prize and remember that a bright future lies ahead for you. > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > do with the obvious issue: control. > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > lands today. > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > greatly appreciate it. > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > Elle > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi ! I admire your courage and will for staying and studying in Paris without money and support. You should be proud of what you accomplished. I have had few time in my life when I had to make impossible possible and I can imagine how it was. But situations like that enriched me - they give me stenght and power and a very good tools for my work latter. Sometimes when " normal " people without any real problems in their lives " yada " about their so called problems make me feel pity for them to be so unhappy with so many opportunities :-)) PS: What happened with your found money? Did you at least get it latter? > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi ! I admire your courage and will for staying and studying in Paris without money and support. You should be proud of what you accomplished. I have had few time in my life when I had to make impossible possible and I can imagine how it was. But situations like that enriched me - they give me stenght and power and a very good tools for my work latter. Sometimes when " normal " people without any real problems in their lives " yada " about their so called problems make me feel pity for them to be so unhappy with so many opportunities :-)) PS: What happened with your found money? Did you at least get it latter? > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi ! I admire your courage and will for staying and studying in Paris without money and support. You should be proud of what you accomplished. I have had few time in my life when I had to make impossible possible and I can imagine how it was. But situations like that enriched me - they give me stenght and power and a very good tools for my work latter. Sometimes when " normal " people without any real problems in their lives " yada " about their so called problems make me feel pity for them to be so unhappy with so many opportunities :-)) PS: What happened with your found money? Did you at least get it latter? > > > > > > Hello, I just wanted to share my current experience because I feel very > > trapped and alone in this matter. I'm a 21 year-old college student > > (junior) with a BPD nada. The problem at this point in my life is that > > she controls 95% of my money in that we both have loans out for my > > college, rent, etc., but she places them in her own savings account and > > distributes it to me when I " ask. " I have no idea how this arrangement > > got into place (I never signed up for this), but I know it has a lot to > > do with the obvious issue: control. > > > > Right now, I am unemployed between semesters, but when I am employed, I > > make minimum wage and am only offered less than 15 hours a week. I'm a > > full-time student and I've been struggling with my depression again > > off-and-on for the last year or so, so the energy and time available for > > a second job are slim to none. I would quit my current job if it weren't > > for the fact that it's one of the few things I still enjoy in life! > > > > All told, I have to request money for just about anything I want, > > including: cat food, gas, food, rent, bills, doctors appointments, etc. > > I know this is bad behavior for many reasons, including the fact that > > one of my hot buttons (per how to stop walking on eggshells) is being > > lorded over by her/controlled by her, which I know she really enjoys, > > and having to deal with it. But any suggestion, as I'm sure you'll > > understand, will be met with rage, tears, the cold shoulder, > > victimization, or many of these at once--depends on where the roullette > > lands today. > > > > What I'm trying to ask is whether or not anyone else has had this > > problem--even in a broader sense, in any way that the BP had something > > you needed and, given the circumstances, you couldn't get it elsewhere > > or escape--and if so, if you could share your stories, I'd greatly, > > greatly appreciate it. > > > > Thank you, everyone. It's so nice to finally hear that I'm not alone > > from the fingertips of the people who are like me, rather than a distant > > psychologist or BPD manual. It's very liberating. > > > > Elle > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks,Yenaine Yes,I know what you mean about how taking on challenges can be personally enriching and empowering.It seems to me that at the end of the day,no matter what your experience has been,life truly is what you make it and I say this as someone who has had to struggle to access my own power and mental clarity.Not saying that it is easy or obvious,but we *can* choose how we want to live or at least learn by trying.It also seems to me that it's the trying that actually matters.I've had to pick myself up and dust myself off many times in my life. No,I never did get my college fund.I have no idea what nada did with it. The first job I managed to find in Paris since I didn't speak French when I first arrived was as an au pair to a dog,a very cool Black Lab.His owners needed someone to get up at six am every day to take him out for a long walk and the " language barrier " didn't prevent us from becoming good friends I still remember him fondly.He saved my ass from having to return to nada in defeat! > > Hi ! > I admire your courage and will for staying and studying in Paris without money and support. You should be proud of what you accomplished. I have had few time in my life when I had to make impossible possible and I can imagine how it was. But situations like that enriched me - they give me stenght and power and a very good tools for my work latter. Sometimes when " normal " people without any real problems in their lives " yada " about their so called problems make me feel pity for them to be so unhappy with so many opportunities :-)) > PS: What happened with your found money? Did you at least get it latter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks,Yenaine Yes,I know what you mean about how taking on challenges can be personally enriching and empowering.It seems to me that at the end of the day,no matter what your experience has been,life truly is what you make it and I say this as someone who has had to struggle to access my own power and mental clarity.Not saying that it is easy or obvious,but we *can* choose how we want to live or at least learn by trying.It also seems to me that it's the trying that actually matters.I've had to pick myself up and dust myself off many times in my life. No,I never did get my college fund.I have no idea what nada did with it. The first job I managed to find in Paris since I didn't speak French when I first arrived was as an au pair to a dog,a very cool Black Lab.His owners needed someone to get up at six am every day to take him out for a long walk and the " language barrier " didn't prevent us from becoming good friends I still remember him fondly.He saved my ass from having to return to nada in defeat! > > Hi ! > I admire your courage and will for staying and studying in Paris without money and support. You should be proud of what you accomplished. I have had few time in my life when I had to make impossible possible and I can imagine how it was. But situations like that enriched me - they give me stenght and power and a very good tools for my work latter. Sometimes when " normal " people without any real problems in their lives " yada " about their so called problems make me feel pity for them to be so unhappy with so many opportunities :-)) > PS: What happened with your found money? Did you at least get it latter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Elle, I just want to hug you! I am remembering 21-year-old me, and the mental breakdown I had that should have landed me in the hospital. I am SO GLAD that you have already figured out that your mother has BPD, and that it's not just you, and that you don't just have a " troubled " relationship. My mother used anything she could to control me and my sister, and college tuition was one of her favorites. " You are so ungrateful, I'm paying for your school, and you are so ugly to me! " She used every possible opportunity to tell me what a burden it was to have to pay for my education. It was her weapon in a manipulation war. She made me feel guilty for needing something so expensive. Back then, you could get a credit card at 18, so the offers started flying in my senior year. She used to tell me how awful credit cards are and that I should never, ever, get one. Eventually, maybe at age 19 or 20, I applied for one anyway and didn't tell her about it. I knew I was responsible and that I would pay it off every month. I chose a card with a relatively low interest rate, just in case I ever had to carry a balance for a month (though I never did). Somehow, she found out that I had gotten the card and was L-I-V-I-D. I got the whole spiel about how irresponsible I was and how I lacked good judgment and how it would ruin my life. But I didn't care. I loved having something independently my own. I knew from high school economics that it would help me to build my own credit. So it was a great decision. My little sister got similar rage when she was in college and decided to get her own cell phone plan because my mother was snooping the bill to find out everyone she called. It was really the first thing she ever did to assert her independence from my parents, and my mom called her ungrateful and told her she'd never be able to pay for it, and how could she do something so irresponsible? She got the " I'm paying for your school! " manipulation a lot from my mother, too. Which really doesn't make much sense, considering my dad is the one who 1)worked and 2)gave us permission to go to school. My mother would have rather we lived with her forever. Since my sister is five years younger than me, I managed to come out of the FOG a little sooner. I have watched her go through the same financial control/manipulation problems I had with my mother, and I have watched her assert her independence. It was wonderful to see how confident she became when she was able to control her own life. I will encourage you as I did her to do everything you possibly can to get out from under your mother's thumb and establish yourself as financially independent. If you don't already have one, open a checking account in *your name only*, even if it's just going to have a few dollars in it at first (credit unions sometimes have very low opening balances.) Apply for a credit card. Get your own cell phone. You mentioned that there is more than one loan? Did I understand rightly that one of them is in your name only but the funds are going directly into your mother's account? If so, you can contact the lender directly and change that. If it's direct deposit, have it sent to your own checking account. If they mail a check, have it sent to your own address, such as your university P.O. Box. Of course, your mother might be furious when she finds out she's not getting that check anymore, and she'll probably threaten to cut you off, but here's a secret: IT WILL BE THE BEST GIFT SHE COULD EVER GIVE YOU, even though she thinks it's punishment. Can you imagine a life where you work hard and have successes and failures but they are all your own, instead of a life where you still work hard but never get what you need, all while someone else takes all the credit? You might have to do things a step at a time, but the sooner the better. When it comes time for you to graduate, expect her to have a manipulative, panicked meltdown. She will desperately look for some other way to get you to need her so that she can continue to control you. She will beg you to look for work near her, she will offer to let you live at home, and then when you say no, she will offer to pay your rent or co-sign your applications for apartments or loans or houses. She will offer to pay for your insurance or your car or (insert expense here). Even if you are barely scraping by, I promise you, it will be better than signing up for more abuse. My mother continued to offer to " help " me financially, even after my family's income exceeded my dad's salary. When my husband and I were about to sell our house and buy a new one, she manufactured some panic about how little boys don't handle moves very well. She thought we should keep our first house but still buy the second house, at least with a couple of months overlap, and she kindly offered to cosign the loan for us so that we could afford to do both. Seriously. It was patently ridiculous. When I told her no (politely of course), she said, " KT, some banks will let parents cosign loans for their children. " I said, " Well, some children won't. " Anyway, my point is: yes, I understand what you're going through. And, yes, there is a way to get out--other people have made some excellent suggestions as well. Your mother will likely remain a sick, needy, sad, mean lady who wants to make sure you never mature so that she can keep you close, but you can grow up anyway. And that is what you are supposed to do--don't feel guilty about it. A mother is supposed to want her children to be able to survive on their own. The depression and the panic will get better with the help of a good therapist who can help you establish and maintain boundaries with your mother. I think it is wonderful that you are aware already, and I wish you the best as you continue to grow! KT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Elle, I just want to hug you! I am remembering 21-year-old me, and the mental breakdown I had that should have landed me in the hospital. I am SO GLAD that you have already figured out that your mother has BPD, and that it's not just you, and that you don't just have a " troubled " relationship. My mother used anything she could to control me and my sister, and college tuition was one of her favorites. " You are so ungrateful, I'm paying for your school, and you are so ugly to me! " She used every possible opportunity to tell me what a burden it was to have to pay for my education. It was her weapon in a manipulation war. She made me feel guilty for needing something so expensive. Back then, you could get a credit card at 18, so the offers started flying in my senior year. She used to tell me how awful credit cards are and that I should never, ever, get one. Eventually, maybe at age 19 or 20, I applied for one anyway and didn't tell her about it. I knew I was responsible and that I would pay it off every month. I chose a card with a relatively low interest rate, just in case I ever had to carry a balance for a month (though I never did). Somehow, she found out that I had gotten the card and was L-I-V-I-D. I got the whole spiel about how irresponsible I was and how I lacked good judgment and how it would ruin my life. But I didn't care. I loved having something independently my own. I knew from high school economics that it would help me to build my own credit. So it was a great decision. My little sister got similar rage when she was in college and decided to get her own cell phone plan because my mother was snooping the bill to find out everyone she called. It was really the first thing she ever did to assert her independence from my parents, and my mom called her ungrateful and told her she'd never be able to pay for it, and how could she do something so irresponsible? She got the " I'm paying for your school! " manipulation a lot from my mother, too. Which really doesn't make much sense, considering my dad is the one who 1)worked and 2)gave us permission to go to school. My mother would have rather we lived with her forever. Since my sister is five years younger than me, I managed to come out of the FOG a little sooner. I have watched her go through the same financial control/manipulation problems I had with my mother, and I have watched her assert her independence. It was wonderful to see how confident she became when she was able to control her own life. I will encourage you as I did her to do everything you possibly can to get out from under your mother's thumb and establish yourself as financially independent. If you don't already have one, open a checking account in *your name only*, even if it's just going to have a few dollars in it at first (credit unions sometimes have very low opening balances.) Apply for a credit card. Get your own cell phone. You mentioned that there is more than one loan? Did I understand rightly that one of them is in your name only but the funds are going directly into your mother's account? If so, you can contact the lender directly and change that. If it's direct deposit, have it sent to your own checking account. If they mail a check, have it sent to your own address, such as your university P.O. Box. Of course, your mother might be furious when she finds out she's not getting that check anymore, and she'll probably threaten to cut you off, but here's a secret: IT WILL BE THE BEST GIFT SHE COULD EVER GIVE YOU, even though she thinks it's punishment. Can you imagine a life where you work hard and have successes and failures but they are all your own, instead of a life where you still work hard but never get what you need, all while someone else takes all the credit? You might have to do things a step at a time, but the sooner the better. When it comes time for you to graduate, expect her to have a manipulative, panicked meltdown. She will desperately look for some other way to get you to need her so that she can continue to control you. She will beg you to look for work near her, she will offer to let you live at home, and then when you say no, she will offer to pay your rent or co-sign your applications for apartments or loans or houses. She will offer to pay for your insurance or your car or (insert expense here). Even if you are barely scraping by, I promise you, it will be better than signing up for more abuse. My mother continued to offer to " help " me financially, even after my family's income exceeded my dad's salary. When my husband and I were about to sell our house and buy a new one, she manufactured some panic about how little boys don't handle moves very well. She thought we should keep our first house but still buy the second house, at least with a couple of months overlap, and she kindly offered to cosign the loan for us so that we could afford to do both. Seriously. It was patently ridiculous. When I told her no (politely of course), she said, " KT, some banks will let parents cosign loans for their children. " I said, " Well, some children won't. " Anyway, my point is: yes, I understand what you're going through. And, yes, there is a way to get out--other people have made some excellent suggestions as well. Your mother will likely remain a sick, needy, sad, mean lady who wants to make sure you never mature so that she can keep you close, but you can grow up anyway. And that is what you are supposed to do--don't feel guilty about it. A mother is supposed to want her children to be able to survive on their own. The depression and the panic will get better with the help of a good therapist who can help you establish and maintain boundaries with your mother. I think it is wonderful that you are aware already, and I wish you the best as you continue to grow! KT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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