Re: Re: FOG in action

[Guest guest]

Yes absolutly. Let me just think of the best examples. I can't wait to read

it.

>

>

> Doug,

>

> Agh, absolutely.

>

> I am currently a 21 year-old junior in college, and because my BP mother

> has somehow arranged my finances so that even loans taken out in my name are

> in her account, I am completely dependent upon her for finances. Whenever I

> need something that my minimum wage job's paychecks don't cover--such as

> gas, rent, bills--I have to " ask " her. Her " generosity " is entirely based

> upon what mood she's in, which, as most KO's know, is utterly unpredictable,

> causing me a great deal of stress at any given moment. Furthermore, because,

> as I said, she has control (which she loves, of course) over something like

> 95% of my finances, if I do anything " wrong " in her eyes, I can and have

> been completely cut off from the basic necessities. This Fear plays a large

> role in my life for many reasons; among the less obvious, that I live some

> distance from my closest friends, and if she chooses not to " have enough

> money this week, " I am helpless to reconnect with the larger portion of my

> support system (with which she has also tried to disconnect me more overtly

> in the past).

>

> GUILT is also a major player in our " relationship. " My parents have been

> divorced for over three quarters of my life now, and though my father is

> more a fada than not, at the very least he's not a BP. Once I realized my

> nada was the largest factor instigating my Major Depressive Disorder and

> suicidal thoughts, I knew I had to move out and take refuge anywhere

> available. My father's house was open to me, so I made a secret agreement to

> go there for the remainder of my high school years. I didn't know how to

> break it to my nada, as I knew fully well by then that rage, sorrow, guilt,

> obligation, and all the other BP tools of manipulation would follow in an

> unpredictable order. Therefore, I accidentally let it slip during some

> outdoor activities in which my step-father, brother, nada and I were

> involved. She had been ridiculing me for suggesting that I would have enough

> money for some thing or another, when I blurted out that I planned on

> getting a job. She laughed and asked me where I thought I could do that. I

> quickly said in (city where my father lives), as I was moving there.

> Everything went utterly silent and no one moved until my mother stormed off,

> into the house, and refused to speak to me. Later, she threatened to keep my

> car (which was in my name!), demanded to know why I hadn't asked her if I

> " could, " and finally, after a few weeks of sulking and raging, declared,

> " That's fine. My life is full enough without you. "

>

> She also had a wonderful habit of making me feel like privacy and personal

> space were guilt-worthy. She was never happy if there was something in my

> head that she didn't know, a white lie I had told, a journal under my bed

> with a key, my laptop with a password, or a refused hug. For the longest

> time, I felt like a terrible person just for having thoughts different from

> hers! But finally, as I said, I locked down my computer (she had already

> gone through it before), somehow managed to detach, and proceeded to lie

> about anything and anything necessary to keep my distance while she forced

> herself on me. There was actually a time, DIRECTLY after a screaming match,

> that she switched moods, wanted pity and to be seen as the victim, and

> attempted to hug me. I was furious, heartbroken, and very much upset, so I

> pushed her away. LIKE A REFLEX, she pulled her hand back and seemed to

> threaten to backhand me!! I had never been abused by her, so despite my

> submissive, guilt-ridden KO ways, I was so surprised that I cried, " You

> think you can hit me to get me to hug you?! " Needless to say, after that, I

> became still more detached, and the day I moved out was not a moment too

> soon.

>

> Hope some of this might contribute!

>

> Elle

>

>

>

> >

> > Many of you old timers, and I don t mean your age ladies, are

> > familiar with the concept of FOG : Fear Obligation Guilt that BP parents

> > used or use to control and manipulate us.

> >

> >

> > Some of you are also aware that I m writing a book with a working title

> > Orphans of the FOG, about the experience and effect of being the child

> > of a BP.

> >

> > I m working currently on a section about manipulation and control. I

> > would love to hear from you guys examples of FOG in your life and

> > relationship with nada. Ways in which she guilts or scares you, forces

> > you to do what you don t want to, or forces you to do what you would do

> > anyway, and thus take the joy from it.

> >

> > This can be current, when you were growing up, or fleas that still drive

> > you today, which you realize were from FOG used by nada all your life,

> > or years ago. Even if Nada is dead, as some of us have come to find

> > out, it ceases to be about her and what she does, but about us and what

> > we will choose to do, or not. The FOG stays with us KO s, long after

> > we are orphans.

> >

> > Look forward to hearing your FOG stories.

> >

> >

> > Doug

> >

>

>

>