Guest guest Posted December 1, 2010 Report Share Posted December 1, 2010 Annie, I've worked for years on how I will deal with my mother. I had 2 sets of multiples. Everything about my life was put on hold. Life has been surreal with the huge lack of sleep. But my mom and I had it out many times...and she actually admitted to everything she did to me. She apologized for everything. Mind you, I take whatever she says with huge pillars of salt, but I did appreciate that she acknowledged deception to me. I felt lucky to get such an apology. I am still the focus of my mom, which is why I don't divulge info to her of any kind. I keep it very superficial and light. I know when my mom is no longer alive, I need to be at peace with the way I've ended it with her. So far, she has been sweet and loving to my kids. To me, she still acts like the little scared baby she is. I half feel sorry for her/half hate her for watching me cry for so long. But, I feel like I've gotten stronger over the years with the help of my husband...and I no longer take anything she says personally. I'm divorced in my head of any of her actions. I do not feel guilty for anything I've ever done, because I know what kind of person I am. I have lead a moral, true life, despite her tornadoes she spins up around me. I am no where near out of the woods, but i do feel strong in my convictions about my serenity. Amy Re: Henny Penny I find it remarkable that you seek peace yet tolerate contact with the destructive, damaging source of your pain; you must have a core of steel! I seek peace by escaping from the source of my damage, all my resilience was leached out of me and I can't be around my nada without sustaining new injuries. I'm happy for you that you are impervious to further damage! I'm interested to know what made you decide to risk letting your children have contact with your nada. Did she have some kind of ephiphany? Did she say or do anything to reassure you that she would not do the things to them that she did to you? What made you decide to experiment with contact? -Annie > > > > Your nada's behaviors are so unusual; at least, *I've* never come across anything like it. So, first there was her jealousy of you that caused her to treat you badly when you were a child, but now she's like your stalker. And yet she's unaware that you're barely in touch with her. (That seems odd!) And she treats your kids OK and she doesn't obsessively focus on them like she still focuses on you. Fascinatingly out of the ordinary! > > > > > > Sound like my nada ( and she is diagnosed with BPD) > > > > She never liked me, was extremely jealous on me , she abuse me- but now she is obsessed with me wanting to be " good friends " ,refuses to see that I don't have any relation with her and that I don't like her at all. She is completely stuck onto me. > > She also doesn't care about her grandchild. When my son was very little she was kind of funny and nice gradma....but when he started to have his own opinion - than she started to manipulate him with emotional blackmailing....I'll be so sad if you go or behave on certain ways - I'll cray if you not tell your mother to do that or that or behave like that and that. He had to pray if he wanted to see a cartoon and he had to go to cemetery with her every day. I immediately cut her off and she could see him just with my supervision. But soon after that my son had to have a lot of surgeries and she lost her interest in him. She came in the hospital just once - whit some totally unsuitable gift for him ( and suitable for her) and accused him to be rude to her, not to be happy enough with her visit and gifts. ( he had major operation and was on analgesics...) That was the reason she never ever visit him when we where in hospital (few times we were in hospital for months ) but she never forget to ask me at the same time - when I would come to her place to visit her , because she is so pooooooor . Now he is 18 and she never even ask for him. Except when I don't answer on phone he call him to call me. > > I think she chose who she would like or with whom she would be obsessed on a base how she or he is useful for her. She has to have somebody to live her or his live or somebody to suck his or her energy . Doesn't matter who that person is. Even if she hates that person ( like she hates me) > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2010 Report Share Posted December 1, 2010 Annie, I've worked for years on how I will deal with my mother. I had 2 sets of multiples. Everything about my life was put on hold. Life has been surreal with the huge lack of sleep. But my mom and I had it out many times...and she actually admitted to everything she did to me. She apologized for everything. Mind you, I take whatever she says with huge pillars of salt, but I did appreciate that she acknowledged deception to me. I felt lucky to get such an apology. I am still the focus of my mom, which is why I don't divulge info to her of any kind. I keep it very superficial and light. I know when my mom is no longer alive, I need to be at peace with the way I've ended it with her. So far, she has been sweet and loving to my kids. To me, she still acts like the little scared baby she is. I half feel sorry for her/half hate her for watching me cry for so long. But, I feel like I've gotten stronger over the years with the help of my husband...and I no longer take anything she says personally. I'm divorced in my head of any of her actions. I do not feel guilty for anything I've ever done, because I know what kind of person I am. I have lead a moral, true life, despite her tornadoes she spins up around me. I am no where near out of the woods, but i do feel strong in my convictions about my serenity. Amy Re: Henny Penny I find it remarkable that you seek peace yet tolerate contact with the destructive, damaging source of your pain; you must have a core of steel! I seek peace by escaping from the source of my damage, all my resilience was leached out of me and I can't be around my nada without sustaining new injuries. I'm happy for you that you are impervious to further damage! I'm interested to know what made you decide to risk letting your children have contact with your nada. Did she have some kind of ephiphany? Did she say or do anything to reassure you that she would not do the things to them that she did to you? What made you decide to experiment with contact? -Annie > > > > Your nada's behaviors are so unusual; at least, *I've* never come across anything like it. So, first there was her jealousy of you that caused her to treat you badly when you were a child, but now she's like your stalker. And yet she's unaware that you're barely in touch with her. (That seems odd!) And she treats your kids OK and she doesn't obsessively focus on them like she still focuses on you. Fascinatingly out of the ordinary! > > > > > > Sound like my nada ( and she is diagnosed with BPD) > > > > She never liked me, was extremely jealous on me , she abuse me- but now she is obsessed with me wanting to be " good friends " ,refuses to see that I don't have any relation with her and that I don't like her at all. She is completely stuck onto me. > > She also doesn't care about her grandchild. When my son was very little she was kind of funny and nice gradma....but when he started to have his own opinion - than she started to manipulate him with emotional blackmailing....I'll be so sad if you go or behave on certain ways - I'll cray if you not tell your mother to do that or that or behave like that and that. He had to pray if he wanted to see a cartoon and he had to go to cemetery with her every day. I immediately cut her off and she could see him just with my supervision. But soon after that my son had to have a lot of surgeries and she lost her interest in him. She came in the hospital just once - whit some totally unsuitable gift for him ( and suitable for her) and accused him to be rude to her, not to be happy enough with her visit and gifts. ( he had major operation and was on analgesics...) That was the reason she never ever visit him when we where in hospital (few times we were in hospital for months ) but she never forget to ask me at the same time - when I would come to her place to visit her , because she is so pooooooor . Now he is 18 and she never even ask for him. Except when I don't answer on phone he call him to call me. > > I think she chose who she would like or with whom she would be obsessed on a base how she or he is useful for her. She has to have somebody to live her or his live or somebody to suck his or her energy . Doesn't matter who that person is. Even if she hates that person ( like she hates me) > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2010 Report Share Posted December 1, 2010 Hi Amy, I'm not sure if you should see it or not. Would you enjoy seeing the sweet princess enough to pay the " cost " of fearing the evil witch? There's much more screen time given to the sweet princess, so you decide. p.s. The princess sings. If you decide to see it, please let me know. -Coal Miner's Daughter > > Coal Miner's Daughter, > I haven't seen it yet...should I? These movies get me crying sometimes...The Sea Witch in the Little Mermaid scared the voice out of me. > > > I am able to get to the peaceful and sweetness of life. It took years of therapy and my ambition to be a free spirit. > Easier said than done. I still suffer though. I hope to one day not feel it so much. > I just wish I didn't waste so much time on my mom's complaints, worries and bad attitude. I lived to make her happy. > That's not why you have children! > > > Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2010 Report Share Posted December 1, 2010 Wow. Well, all I can say is that you are dealing with your situation in such a different way than I do (or would) that I just can't wrap my mind around it. I'm not putting you down, its like its just so different that its like trying to understand another language I'm not familiar with. Like the earlier haz-mat suit analogy, for me what you're doing would be like deciding that swimming in the shark tank is safe enough, and the shark won't bite me again (I grew up getting bitten) as long as its been recently fed and and I'm not bleeding, and its safe for my kids to jump in as well. I don't want to go into the tank with the shark at all any more, but that's just me. I guess each of us has to figure out what will work for himself or herself, its a very individual choice RE whether to have contact with nada or not. I just don't trust the shark at all, I suppose, because its bitten me too many times before when it was already full and when I wasn't bleeding. But, to each her own. -Annie > > > > > > Your nada's behaviors are so unusual; at least, *I've* never come across anything like it. So, first there was her jealousy of you that caused her to treat you badly when you were a child, but now she's like your stalker. And yet she's unaware that you're barely in touch with her. (That seems odd!) And she treats your kids OK and she doesn't obsessively focus on them like she still focuses on you. Fascinatingly out of the ordinary! > > > > > > > > > Sound like my nada ( and she is diagnosed with BPD) > > > > > > She never liked me, was extremely jealous on me , she abuse me- but now she is obsessed with me wanting to be " good friends " ,refuses to see that I don't have any relation with her and that I don't like her at all. She is completely stuck onto me. > > > She also doesn't care about her grandchild. When my son was very little she was kind of funny and nice gradma....but when he started to have his own opinion - than she started to manipulate him with emotional blackmailing....I'll be so sad if you go or behave on certain ways - I'll cray if you not tell your mother to do that or that or behave like that and that. He had to pray if he wanted to see a cartoon and he had to go to cemetery with her every day. I immediately cut her off and she could see him just with my supervision. But soon after that my son had to have a lot of surgeries and she lost her interest in him. She came in the hospital just once - whit some totally unsuitable gift for him ( and suitable for her) and accused him to be rude to her, not to be happy enough with her visit and gifts. ( he had major operation and was on analgesics...) That was the reason she never ever visit him when we where in hospital (few times we were in hospital for months ) but she never forget to ask me at the same time - when I would come to her place to visit her , because she is so pooooooor . Now he is 18 and she never even ask for him. Except when I don't answer on phone he call him to call me. > > > I think she chose who she would like or with whom she would be obsessed on a base how she or he is useful for her. She has to have somebody to live her or his live or somebody to suck his or her energy . Doesn't matter who that person is. Even if she hates that person ( like she hates me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2010 Report Share Posted December 1, 2010 Thanks Coal Miner's Daughter...if my kids want to see it, I'll go. I try to use my sense of humor to help me thru these things. Amy Re: Henny Penny Hi Amy, I'm not sure if you should see it or not. Would you enjoy seeing the sweet princess enough to pay the " cost " of fearing the evil witch? There's much more screen time given to the sweet princess, so you decide. p.s. The princess sings. If you decide to see it, please let me know. -Coal Miner's Daughter > > Coal Miner's Daughter, > I haven't seen it yet...should I? These movies get me crying sometimes...The Sea Witch in the Little Mermaid scared the voice out of me. > > > I am able to get to the peaceful and sweetness of life. It took years of therapy and my ambition to be a free spirit. > Easier said than done. I still suffer though. I hope to one day not feel it so much. > I just wish I didn't waste so much time on my mom's complaints, worries and bad attitude. I lived to make her happy. > That's not why you have children! > > > Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2010 Report Share Posted December 3, 2010 Dear Haleh Lady and Others (advice welcome), Am I remembering your situation correctly that your nada stopped contact and then asked for the kids to visit her alone? I was wondering how things are going with you on this subject because I am running into some trouble here myself. I have reduced contact in a quiet way, just stopped calling and visiting as much. But there is another issue I am facing with my oldest son. He (lets call him ) is 8 years old and defensive of his grandmother. Unfortunately, I was shortsighted and immature enough to talk about things with my husband when my son was in the car on more than one occasion. Some of it is my own BPD traits, I think, which I have recently become aware of. It was selfish and unkind of me to unload with him present. Luckily, I was pretty fair and not too personal about most things. But I'm sure he was aware of my intense anger. (I was angry because of her feeding him candy or cake for meals, bathing with him and allowing inappropriate touching, letting him watch murder shows on cable, etc.) My problem now is that feels somewhat angry at me because of my harsh words about his grandmother. I have actually apologized to him for that and told him I will not talk badly about her anymore. has a tendency to get involved in adult arguments and take sides. It's cute and kind of sad when he says something like, " Mom, I agree with you this time. Dad has been acting mean all day. " I am just beginning to realize how much he is actually listening when he appears to be playing or watching t.v. I feel concerned about this and am making efforts to screen what I say much more carefully now. I just had a short conversation when he arrived home from school. Those with kids, don't you love watching them get off the bus? I find it so sweet. Anyway, I asked him if he would like for grandma to come over tomorrow for a little while and maybe go to ToysRUs with us to make a Christmas list. She LOVES shopping, of course. I hate it. Anyway again, I told him I love grandma and am looking forward to seeing her (partly true) and that the only problem with her is just when she does things we can't do, like eating lots of candy or whatever. I said, " We can't do the bad or unhealthy things, but we can have fun with grandma other than that. " Does this seem reasonable? I'm at a loss here and feel like one of those parents who wouldn't have passed Annie's pre-child screening. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > > > > i am horrified, hurt, all the above...its just FOG getting the better ofme as my nada blames me for destroying my childrens lives cos i have made the descision to not allow them there without my supervision...its as if she feels threatened?! its hard thing when you kids ask you why cant we go over...my 6 yr old is a sensitive child and she knows something isnt right between my relationship with my nada. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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