Re: She won't let up, advice please!!

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Good job being willing to set a boundary in the first place. That is a big

step--you know you and your family need it, and you are willing to do what it

takes even though it's hard. You're doing the right thing.

One thing that helps with the waifs is to find ways to tell them that they can

handle life on their own. She gets mad because you can't drop whatever you're

doing to come take care of her dog? " Mom, I'm confident that you will be able

to find a good kennel to use when I'm not available to watch your dog. " She

freaks out because you're not there to listen to her emotional meltdown? " Mom,

I know you can find a solution. If you feel like you don't know how, I'm sure

you will be able to find a good therapist who can help you learn new skills. "

The line my t gave me? " If you're unhappy with your relationships, you might

consider talking to a professional about it. " In short: don't try to solve her

problems, and if she expects you to, remind her that she can do it on her own!

She shows up at your door threatening to die? " Wow, Mom, do you realize that is

an incredibly manipulative thing to say? Let's talk tomorrow (or at our

scheduled time--see below) when you have calmed down and can speak to me without

manipulating. "

It was incredibly helpful for me--though admittedly incredibly difficult to do

the first time--to flat out tell my mother that I don't trust her and don't want

to talk to her about my life. It is definitely not a " nice " thing to say to

someone, but it's the truth and it needed to be said. Of course she cried

hysterically, but after that I felt like the weight of the world was no longer

on my shoulders. In future conversations, I could say, " I don't want to talk to

you about that. " and it was over. If she gets waify, I just say, " I'm sure you

can find a way to handle that, " or, " That would be something a therapist can

help you with, " and end the conversation.

Good job setting boundaries; the challenge will be to enforce them consistently.

If you want to meet only once a week, that's reasonable. If she can't take it

and gives you a guilt trip, then don't meet. I'm sure she'd rather see you once

a week than not at all. I also would recommend setting aside an allotted time

each week for your " phone time with mum. " You could say something like, " I'm

busy, but I want to make sure I make special time for you. Let's talk at (x)

time for (y) length. I can commit to being available then, but I might not be

able to answer at other times. " When she calls or texts or bangs on your door

and it's not an emergency and it's not " her time, " you don't have to answer. You

can delete the message. And a topic comes up that you don't want to talk about

(like your dad's health)? Just say so.

Something I wish I had figured out sooner and that I will put in all caps not

because I want to yell but because it is worth emphasizing is this:

IT IS AN ADULT'S JOB TO MEET HIS OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS. IT IS NEVER A CHILD'S JOB

(OR A GROWN CHILD'S) TO MEET HIS PARENT'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS.

If your mother does not feel loved, that is not your fault. Like you said, you

have done all you can. She might try to make you feel like you aren't loving

her adequately, but really, she just doesn't know how to love herself, and so no

matter how much love you pour into her, she will never be able to adequately

receive it. The truth is, you do love her. And that is one reason it is so

important to give her boundaries. She really needs them. She is like a child

and will test them and tell you you're the meanest person ever for setting them,

but there is really no way to " help " her at all without them. So don't let her

twisted take on reality get you down too much--giving her limits IS loving her.

Besides my mother, there's another waif I know. She likes to complain that her

husband just never spends enough time with her, or that her children never want

to be with her. We're not around each other often, but the next time we are,

I'm prepared to ask her, " What would it be like if you could learn to meet those

emotional needs yourself, instead of being constantly disappointed in everyone

else's ablility to meet them? "

Again, best of luck, you will eventually get the hang of it. Work on

consistency and enforcement, and remember you can delete texts and emails

without reading, and you don't have to answer the door when she comes over

without permission.

[Guest guest]

Dear Lynda-

I don't know that I will be of any help here really. I just wanted to share with

you how moved I am by your story.

The feeling that there is a " bottomless pit " of emotional need in your BP Mom is

something so scary, isn't it?

The words you used seem to true, so familiar to me:

" > This morning it has continued. Now it is excuse after excuse. I said that

because.... I did that because.... The overarching excuse is her need for love.

She keeps saying that over and over that she just needs love.

> I know that to be true. But I also know that no amount of " being there for

her " or displays of my love can fix her. "

I think you are doing something very very brave. I am sorry you feel like crap,

I am sorry you BP Mom is so difficult. The behaviour you describe seem to

intimidating to me, it's like the work of a bully.

Like emotional bullying.

A couple weeks ago, I tried very hard to ignore my BP Mom's phone calls, and not

pick up the phone.

I realized that I didn't feel good about it at first because it was so

unfamiliar. So different from what I would normally do.

I just want to say congratulations for standing up for yourself and really

sticking to your own rules.

Good for you,

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Dear Lynda-

I don't know that I will be of any help here really. I just wanted to share with

you how moved I am by your story.

The feeling that there is a " bottomless pit " of emotional need in your BP Mom is

something so scary, isn't it?

The words you used seem to true, so familiar to me:

" > This morning it has continued. Now it is excuse after excuse. I said that

because.... I did that because.... The overarching excuse is her need for love.

She keeps saying that over and over that she just needs love.

> I know that to be true. But I also know that no amount of " being there for

her " or displays of my love can fix her. "

I think you are doing something very very brave. I am sorry you feel like crap,

I am sorry you BP Mom is so difficult. The behaviour you describe seem to

intimidating to me, it's like the work of a bully.

Like emotional bullying.

A couple weeks ago, I tried very hard to ignore my BP Mom's phone calls, and not

pick up the phone.

I realized that I didn't feel good about it at first because it was so

unfamiliar. So different from what I would normally do.

I just want to say congratulations for standing up for yourself and really

sticking to your own rules.

Good for you,

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, she is REALLY upping the ante now.

Somehow, these guys seem to SENSE when you are not getting drawn in emotionally

to the game and suffering with them as much.

She is talking about wanting to die or how she might die if she can't buy her

heart medicine, etc. I didn't realize until now how many suicidal references

there are lately. I have a good " excuse " for a boundary now because it upsets

the children when she talks about dying.

I feel genuinely sorry for her, but I KNOW I CANNOT HELP HER. I can barely help

myself at this point. I think my constant involvement at this point would be

like a non-swimmer trying to save a drowning person.

[Guest guest]

Lynda:

Just want to echo what others have said here. You're not alone, there are others

of us experiencing the same or similar things, and good on you for trying to set

some boundaries!

The key is to keep at it. Keep yourself, your sanity and your child safe. My

mother won't let me go either, and I still manage to get tangled up in her guilt

once in awhile, but I'm learning that I am justified in my wariness of her and

that keeping as much distance between the two of us is the best thing I can do

for myself and my family.

That's tough if she's coming to your door. I guess I'm lucky in that my waif

mother can't afford a car right now.