Choosing the more valuable dog, from Lynn Melville's Boomerang Love

[Guest guest]

How do we make sense of BPD's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hude behavior? How do we order

our world when it turns on a dime from peaceful to hurricane, from zero to

psycho in a heartbeat? The good part, the person we love, exists right

alongside (or inside) the hurtful one.

Whether we decide to stay and ride the BPD roller coaster - or bail out and

leave the relationship - the grief is the same. We must separate from someone

we love deeply.

If we stay with them, we separate emotionally. If we leave, we separate

emotionally and physically, with all the finality and additional grief of the

loss of dreams for the future, family structure, companionship, all of that.

Having to force ourselves to walk away from something we love is crazy-making.

It flies in the face of all that's human, all that our heart wants to do, and

everything that our sense of just plain living on this earth would have us do.

Leave someone we love? We don't do that unless forced to (war, famine, and

pestilence come to mind). It's so unnatural. Our spirits are built to pour

forth love, and heaven knows our BPDs are good, deserving people.

But the person we love doesn't stay in one place. They move around, hiding

behind walls, throwing up barriers to our intimacy, lobbing hand grenades as

they run away from us. And then the person we love comes back . . . penitent,

sad, remorseful, tearful, full of promises (wishes, actually).

So back and forth we go in our grief. We're like a boomerang--catapulting

ourselves out the back door of our relationship and then turning around and

going back through that door again.

I'm reminded of a story I heard once about a man who owned two dogs. The two

dogs got locked into a vicious fight, and it was clear that the owner was not

going to be able to stop the fighting. The only way to stop it was to shoot one

of the dogs.

He said to his friend, " I don't know what to do. These are valuable dogs. I

paid a lot of money for them, and I love them both. But they're going to kill

each other, so I've got to shoot one of them. Which one do I shoot? "

The friend said: " I suggest you shoot the least valuable dog. "

Now, I'm not saying that our BPD [parents] aren't valuable. But the reality is

that we are caught in the downward spiral of their disorder. It's a vortex that

will suck us right down with them.

Prayer: God, for today help me to control my boomerang love. Help me to step

over, walk around, punch my way through my grief and take care of myself in

whatever way I must.

[Guest guest]

I just bought that book a few weeks ago and am on my second reading. That

passage is one of the best. A good mantra. The most valuable dog. Boomerang

Love is one of the very best books. Have you read Borderline Mom (harder to

find)? That is very reaffirming as well.

>

> How do we make sense of BPD's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hude behavior? How do we

order our world when it turns on a dime from peaceful to hurricane, from zero to

psycho in a heartbeat? The good part, the person we love, exists right

alongside (or inside) the hurtful one.

>

> Whether we decide to stay and ride the BPD roller coaster - or bail out and

leave the relationship - the grief is the same. We must separate from someone

we love deeply.

>

> If we stay with them, we separate emotionally. If we leave, we separate

emotionally and physically, with all the finality and additional grief of the

loss of dreams for the future, family structure, companionship, all of that.

>

> Having to force ourselves to walk away from something we love is crazy-making.

It flies in the face of all that's human, all that our heart wants to do, and

everything that our sense of just plain living on this earth would have us do.

>

> Leave someone we love? We don't do that unless forced to (war, famine, and

pestilence come to mind). It's so unnatural. Our spirits are built to pour

forth love, and heaven knows our BPDs are good, deserving people.

>

> But the person we love doesn't stay in one place. They move around, hiding

behind walls, throwing up barriers to our intimacy, lobbing hand grenades as

they run away from us. And then the person we love comes back . . . penitent,

sad, remorseful, tearful, full of promises (wishes, actually).

>

> So back and forth we go in our grief. We're like a boomerang--catapulting

ourselves out the back door of our relationship and then turning around and

going back through that door again.

>

> I'm reminded of a story I heard once about a man who owned two dogs. The two

dogs got locked into a vicious fight, and it was clear that the owner was not

going to be able to stop the fighting. The only way to stop it was to shoot one

of the dogs.

>

> He said to his friend, " I don't know what to do. These are valuable dogs. I

paid a lot of money for them, and I love them both. But they're going to kill

each other, so I've got to shoot one of them. Which one do I shoot? "

>

> The friend said: " I suggest you shoot the least valuable dog. "

>

> Now, I'm not saying that our BPD [parents] aren't valuable. But the reality

is that we are caught in the downward spiral of their disorder. It's a vortex

that will suck us right down with them.

>

> Prayer: God, for today help me to control my boomerang love. Help me to step

over, walk around, punch my way through my grief and take care of myself in

whatever way I must.

>

[Guest guest]

I just bought that book a few weeks ago and am on my second reading. That

passage is one of the best. A good mantra. The most valuable dog. Boomerang

Love is one of the very best books. Have you read Borderline Mom (harder to

find)? That is very reaffirming as well.

>

> How do we make sense of BPD's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hude behavior? How do we

order our world when it turns on a dime from peaceful to hurricane, from zero to

psycho in a heartbeat? The good part, the person we love, exists right

alongside (or inside) the hurtful one.

>

> Whether we decide to stay and ride the BPD roller coaster - or bail out and

leave the relationship - the grief is the same. We must separate from someone

we love deeply.

>

> If we stay with them, we separate emotionally. If we leave, we separate

emotionally and physically, with all the finality and additional grief of the

loss of dreams for the future, family structure, companionship, all of that.

>

> Having to force ourselves to walk away from something we love is crazy-making.

It flies in the face of all that's human, all that our heart wants to do, and

everything that our sense of just plain living on this earth would have us do.

>

> Leave someone we love? We don't do that unless forced to (war, famine, and

pestilence come to mind). It's so unnatural. Our spirits are built to pour

forth love, and heaven knows our BPDs are good, deserving people.

>

> But the person we love doesn't stay in one place. They move around, hiding

behind walls, throwing up barriers to our intimacy, lobbing hand grenades as

they run away from us. And then the person we love comes back . . . penitent,

sad, remorseful, tearful, full of promises (wishes, actually).

>

> So back and forth we go in our grief. We're like a boomerang--catapulting

ourselves out the back door of our relationship and then turning around and

going back through that door again.

>

> I'm reminded of a story I heard once about a man who owned two dogs. The two

dogs got locked into a vicious fight, and it was clear that the owner was not

going to be able to stop the fighting. The only way to stop it was to shoot one

of the dogs.

>

> He said to his friend, " I don't know what to do. These are valuable dogs. I

paid a lot of money for them, and I love them both. But they're going to kill

each other, so I've got to shoot one of them. Which one do I shoot? "

>

> The friend said: " I suggest you shoot the least valuable dog. "

>

> Now, I'm not saying that our BPD [parents] aren't valuable. But the reality

is that we are caught in the downward spiral of their disorder. It's a vortex

that will suck us right down with them.

>

> Prayer: God, for today help me to control my boomerang love. Help me to step

over, walk around, punch my way through my grief and take care of myself in

whatever way I must.

>