for Amy Re: Henny Penny

December 1, 2010

Amy, my only concern for you (and I'm sure others are feeling this as well) is

that your children are more affected by your nada than you give them credit for.

You are certainly hypervigilant, but do you think they could also be negatively

affected by the sadness that comes over you when you are around nada? (I have

no idea, I'm just throwing it out there, because there seems to be a kind of

disbelief amongst the community here that you can get through this so

peacefully, without being affected visibly to the kids.) I know as a kid, I was

in a bubble with my nada because I was young, but I definitely saw how she

affected others and it bothered me. Everyone wore a protective shield around

her and I wondered why no one was protecting me from someone that everyone else

(adults!) felt they themselves needed protection from. Can you see what I'm

saying? It was kind of like I was walking into a bio-hazard room with no

protection suit, while all the adults around me had on head to toe haz-mat gear!

I kept thinking, " Why do they need haz-mat gear, but I didn't get any? Are they

so sure I'm immune? " It's hard to put into words, that's the best analogy I can

come up with. Also, since BPD is set off by rejection, what will happen when

your sweet kiddies reach the adolescent sometime sarcastic stage? What will

nada do when that happens and she feels slighted by them (every parent feels

this at some point, but nada can't cope with that, right?) Just want to prepare

you for those teenage days ahead and also wondering if you are taking into

account how your emotional well-being is sinking into your kids through osmosis.

> > >

> > > My mom , as well as all of your moms, have caused so much pain. It's

really an indescribable deep down fundamental hurt and confusion within all of

us. It's universal. And it's so shocking that we all have basically the same

stories...same characters, same premise, almost same endings. I used to think I

was so unique in my thinking, but from this group, I see that I am the same as

all of you.

> > >

> > > In my case, the mom was a very sweet and loving mom til I had an opinion

and naturally started to mature and break away a bit. That, she couldn't handle.

My growing up and away was a threat to her. So she hooked her claws into me hard

and never let go. It's a wonder that I am here...it's a wonder that I am

coherent most of the time, it's a wonder that I have 5 healthy and happy kids

and a very sweet hubby.

> > >

> > > I am very sensitive to the mom I had and when the change took place. If I

would EVER see that ugly head raised to my kids...that would be the last minute

they would ever be in her presence. I would have a reaction to that. But, I have

three 16-year-olds and two 12-year-olds...and they all have a great relationship

with her. I have risen above the hate I feel for her. It will always be there, I

will always feel it and know that she threw my life away. My mom has mellowed

considerably...but I am always on my guard...and we have little contact...I do

not even make small talk with her anymore. My kids have their relationship with

her. She doesn't even realize that I am so distant.

> > >

> > > My kids are my only concern. If I would see her acting up even in the

slightest way with them, I would pull back. It's been working out luckily. It

doesn't take away from me the horrible way she was with me...but it makes the

universe a little more right for me.

> > >

> > > Amy

> >

December 1, 2010

I hear you .

I know what you're saying.

I do my best to put my mom behind me.

I try my best to live in this life, not in the life of my past.

My kids are aware of how fiercely overprotective she has been with me when I was

growing up.

They know the strange way she thinks sometimes.

But they stop over for short periods of time and do not have so much time with

my kids.

I just didn't want to cut off ties between them all.

My kids are a strong group of people. We talk about freedoms, rights, civil

rights, personal feelings, judgments, punishments, punishments that don't fit

the crimes, personalities, personality flaws. They are so competent. Knowledge

is power. I knew nothing when I was their ages. They are so aware of the world,

in a good way.

I don't show sadness in front of my kids about her. I'm an upbeat mom, very

lively, very athletic, very encouraging, very supportive. That's how they know

me. I don't act sad in front of my mom because I'm not sad in front of her. I am

cordial and secretly indifferent. Our conversations and contact are limited. But

my kids see the part of me that loves my mom. They know we've had issues. I'm

hoping that the love and self-respect I emit in my home is something they will

copy and imitate. If I show hatred, too much sadness and the ability to cut off

grandma and grandpa...I think that would do more damage and continue the

borderline way of handling things. I am not sad in front of her. I feel

empowered by my knowledge and I know I can move on.

I can sense that there are readers here who strongly disagree with the way I

have handled this...but it is really the only way I can see doing this right

now...unless she does something that is even slightly unacceptable.

I'm still trying to heal, but not in front of her. I have nothing important to

say to her anymore.

She is not in my circle of trust ever again. So I don't take it personally

anymore.

Amy