for Amy Re: Henny Penny

December 1, 2010

Amy, my only concern for you (and I'm sure others are feeling this as well) is

that your children are more affected by your nada than you give them credit for.

You are certainly hypervigilant, but do you think they could also be negatively

affected by the sadness that comes over you when you are around nada? (I have

no idea, I'm just throwing it out there, because there seems to be a kind of

disbelief amongst the community here that you can get through this so

peacefully, without being affected visibly to the kids.) I know as a kid, I was

in a bubble with my nada because I was young, but I definitely saw how she

affected others and it bothered me. Everyone wore a protective shield around

her and I wondered why no one was protecting me from someone that everyone else

(adults!) felt they themselves needed protection from. Can you see what I'm

saying? It was kind of like I was walking into a bio-hazard room with no

protection suit, while all the adults around me had on head to toe haz-mat gear!

I kept thinking, " Why do they need haz-mat gear, but I didn't get any? Are they

so sure I'm immune? " It's hard to put into words, that's the best analogy I can

come up with. Also, since BPD is set off by rejection, what will happen when

your sweet kiddies reach the adolescent sometime sarcastic stage? What will

nada do when that happens and she feels slighted by them (every parent feels

this at some point, but nada can't cope with that, right?) Just want to prepare

you for those teenage days ahead and also wondering if you are taking into

account how your emotional well-being is sinking into your kids through osmosis.

> > >

> > > My mom , as well as all of your moms, have caused so much pain. It's

really an indescribable deep down fundamental hurt and confusion within all of

us. It's universal. And it's so shocking that we all have basically the same

stories...same characters, same premise, almost same endings. I used to think I

was so unique in my thinking, but from this group, I see that I am the same as

all of you.

> > >

> > > In my case, the mom was a very sweet and loving mom til I had an opinion

and naturally started to mature and break away a bit. That, she couldn't handle.

My growing up and away was a threat to her. So she hooked her claws into me hard

and never let go. It's a wonder that I am here...it's a wonder that I am

coherent most of the time, it's a wonder that I have 5 healthy and happy kids

and a very sweet hubby.

> > >

> > > I am very sensitive to the mom I had and when the change took place. If I

would EVER see that ugly head raised to my kids...that would be the last minute

they would ever be in her presence. I would have a reaction to that. But, I have

three 16-year-olds and two 12-year-olds...and they all have a great relationship

with her. I have risen above the hate I feel for her. It will always be there, I

will always feel it and know that she threw my life away. My mom has mellowed

considerably...but I am always on my guard...and we have little contact...I do

not even make small talk with her anymore. My kids have their relationship with

her. She doesn't even realize that I am so distant.

> > >

> > > My kids are my only concern. If I would see her acting up even in the

slightest way with them, I would pull back. It's been working out luckily. It

doesn't take away from me the horrible way she was with me...but it makes the

universe a little more right for me.

> > >

> > > Amy

> >

December 1, 2010

Amy, please please don't feel that anyone is judging you here. We are all

judging and rethinking our own lives and your story is different from what

people usually post here in that you have a very novel approach to things. That

makes us all think and we have so many questions for you. Everyday I wonder if

I have made the right decisions. Have you ever heard of " buyer's remorse " when

people get home from a major shopping spree? Well I have " decison remorse "

almost every day. And yet every day, I make the same desison based on the

evidence. But in my weaker moments......... Every nada on this group is

entirely different although they share similar characteristics. My nada is

actually more on the psychotic end of the spectrum, never left her house for 20

years, locked us in the stairwell for days on end because she felt the oxygen

outside was contaminated, made us use buckets in our rooms instead of the real

bathroom because the bathroom

had invisible bugs in it. Her discipline of me was to sit on me and spit in my

face and rub it in, spit in my food, or in the case of my father, dump a bucket

of urine over his head in a fight. So yeah, you don't get much worse than that,

and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my precious children.

Nonetheless, despite the mistreatment, I also have memories of her reading to

me, supporting me, loving me, which is why I feel so messed up. If she was 100%

evil it would be easy, wouldn't it? Most of the crazy things she did was out

of love, believe it or not. And all of the mean things she did were a

reflection in the utter pain she felt in her soul. But that kind of love and

pain was very damaging to me, I grew up without a sense of reality and what

really was dangerous, so in my case I really am protecting my kids from that

because she is not in treatment and denies that she even has a problem. The

last time she saw my son

was sseven years ago, he was two and she was trying to protect him from the

dangerous sun, the dangerous grass, but then she let him go from the top of a

very high slide and he crashed on his face into the dirt. She lied to my dad

that I didn't want to see him, although I told her how much I needed to see him,

then told my dad I didn't want to have anything to do with him. Then came back

to me and told me that Dad hated me, which made me cry and then she would go

back to him and say I hated him more. That was my last visit home to see my dad

before he died and she totally destroyed our last meeting. She now denies this

and says that I am the crazy one. Plus, when I am with her, I regress into a

full blown case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which affects me for months

afterwards. If I let my kids see my mother once a year, then they would be

without a sane, happy mom for most of the year themselves. But my case is not

your case,

nor is it the same as others. It is all degrees of suffering and degrees of

safety/danger. It is about harm reduction and decison making in the face of two

not so good choices - exposure to nada vs. life without a grandmother. I chose

life without a grandmother as the less of two evils. But my mom might be a lot

more harmful than yours. Obviously, yours can leave the house. She went to

your wedding. Mine could not do either of those things, she is beyond low level

functioning. Many psychologists have told me she is more psychotic than BPD, so

maybe I'm in the wrong yahoo group! So please don't feel I am judging you, I am

just throwing out ideas so that you can reach for the same goal we all want

Awareness. We do not want to be asleep at the wheel when it comes to our kids.

Anyone who can give us a poke to keep us a awake, even if we are already wide

awake, is still good cooperation. And as long as you are thinking your way

through this, you are doing good.

December 1, 2010