responding to hostile emails: BIFF technique

[Guest guest]

I wrote this email for WTODivorcing, but it apples to everyone, really, no

matter if your BP/NP is a parent, partner, or child

..........................................................

The booklet " Splitting: Protecting Yourself When Divorcing a Borderline or

Narcissist " by Bill Eddy, often seen as the bible for divorcing a BP or NP,

is going to be published as a book in July, 2011 by New Harbinger.

Bill and I rewrote large portions of Splitting for publication, and I would

like to share some materials with you that aren't in the current version.

During divorce and beyond, hostile emails are common. Bill came up with

something called the B.I.F.F. method for responding to them. You can get the

current version of " Splitting " at my website, www.BPDCentral.com.

Remember BIFF When Responding to Hostile E-mails

Hostile e-mail exchanges have become huge in divorce. Blamers love sending

them and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals.

It's extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also

become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone's bad

behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to

you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They

will be used against you. Instead, assertively use a BIFF response, as

described next, and encourage people in your support system to do the same.

It will save you a lot of wasted time and energy to be brief, informative,

friendly, and firm.

Do You Need to Respond? Much of hostile mail does not need a response.

Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do

not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless

you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the

writer's anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you

will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece

of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding. Some

letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or

complaint process-or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may

be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of

fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

Brief

Keep your response brief. This will reduce the chances of a prolonged and

angry back-and-forth. The more you write, the more material the other person

has to criticize. Keeping it brief signals that you don't wish to engage in

a dialogue. Just make your response and end your e-mail. Don't take your

partner's statements personally and don't respond with a personal attack.

Avoid focusing on comments about the other person's character, such as

saying he is rude, insensitive, or stupid. It just escalates the conflict

and keeps it going. Make sure to avoid the three " A's " : admonishments,

advice and apologies. You don't have to defend yourself to someone you

disagree with. If your friends still like you, you don't have to prove

anything to people who don't.

Informative

The main reason to respond to hostile mail is to correct inaccurate

statements others might see. " Just the facts " is a good thing to keep in

mind. Focus on the accurate statements you want to make, not on the

inaccurate statements the other person made: " Just to clear things up, I was

out of town on February 12, so I would not have been the person who was

making loud noises that day. "

Avoid negative comments, sarcasm, and threats. Avoid personal remarks about

the other person's intelligence, ethics, or moral behavior. If the other

person has a high-conflict personality, you will have no success at reducing

the conflict by making personal attacks. While most people can ignore

personal attacks or might think harder about what you are saying,

high-conflict people feel they have no choice but to respond in anger-and

keep the conflict going. Personal attacks rarely lead to insight or positive

change.

Friendly

While you may be tempted to write in anger, you are more likely to achieve

your goals by writing in a friendly manner. Consciously thinking about a

friendly response will increase your chances of getting a friendly or

neutral response in return. If your goal is to end the conflict, then being

friendly has the greatest likelihood of success. Don't give the other person

a reason to get defensive and keep responding.

This does not mean that you have to be overly friendly. Just make your

message sound a little relaxed and nonantagonistic. If appropriate, say you

recognize your partner's concerns. Brief comments that show your empathy and

respect will generally calm the other person down, even if only for a short

time.

Firm

In a nonthreatening way, clearly tell the other person your information or

position on an issue; for example, " That's all I'm going to say on this

issue. " Be careful not to make comments that invite more discussion, unless

you are negotiating an issue or want to keep a dialogue going back and

forth. Avoid comments that leave an opening, such as, " I hope you will agree

with me that. " This invites the other person to tell you, " I don't agree. "

Sound confident and don't ask for more information, if you want to end the

back-and-forth. A confident-sounding person is less likely to be challenged

with further e-mails. If you get more e-mails, you can ignore them, if you

have already sufficiently addressed the inaccurate information. If you need

to respond again, keep it even briefer, and do not emotionally engage. In

fact, it often helps to just repeat the key information using the same

words.

Example of BIFF Response

Joe's hostile e-mail: " Jane, I can't believe you are so stupid as to think

I'm going to let you take the children to your boss's birthday party during

my parenting time. Have you no memory of the last six conflicts we've had

about my parenting time? Or are you having an affair with him? I always knew

you would do anything to get ahead! In fact, I remember coming to your

office party and witnessing you making a total fool of yourself, including

flirting with everyone from the CEO down to the mail-room clerk! Are you

high on something? Haven't you gotten your finances together enough to

support yourself yet, without flinging yourself at every Tom, Dick, and

Harry? " .

Jane's response: " Thank you for responding to my request to take the

children to my office party. Just to clarify, the party will be from 3:00 to

5:00 on Friday at the office, and there will be approximately thirty people

there, including several other parents and their school-age children. There

will be no alcohol because it is a family-oriented firm, and there will be

family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for the

kids to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then, of course, I

will respect that and withdraw my request, because I recognize that it is

your parenting time. "

Comment: Jane kept it brief and did not engage in defending herself. Since

this was just between the two of them, she didn't need to respond. If he

sent this e-mail to friends, coworkers, or family members (which

high-conflict people often do), she would need to respond to the larger

group with more information, such as the following.

Jane's group response: " Dear friends and family, as you know, Joe and I had

a difficult divorce. He has sent you a private e-mail showing correspondence

between us about a parenting schedule matter. I hope you will see this as a

private matter and understand that you do not need to respond or get

involved in any way. Almost everything he has said is in anger and not at

all accurate. If you have any questions for me personally, please feel free

to contact me and I will clarify anything I can. I appreciate your

friendship and support. "

And that's it: BIFF!

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

Author, " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New

Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells "

Available at www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

This is *fantastic* information.

*points to pile of crazy nada emails mouldering in desk drawer*

I wish I had had this simple guideline then.

I hope this is not being left out of the book! (It isn't...is it??)

Thanks for posting it!

--.