for Amy Re: Henny Penny

[Guest guest]

I totally understand. I wasn't defending myself, although it might seem like

that.

I am just so tired of dealing with the drama of my mama.

I've always wanted to act like a " normal " person in regards to her.

So, in a way...way too late...I am getting what I wanted...on my terms.

If things change, then she's outta here, but for now, I can deal with it.

I totally support anyone who needs to have LC or NC...I should have done that in

my teens.,,really...I wish I had.

Maybe I'm just not strong enough or tough enough in my convictions, knowing how

she treated me.

But, I live in an alternate universe, as many of you do too...and I search for

peace in my own back yard.

So, far, it's working. I can see why many of you would want to slap me! It's

just how I need it to be at this point.

I wish it never happened like this where I have to even consider dumping my mom

or allowing her to see my kids.

My loss. Not hers.

Amy

for Amy Re: Henny Penny

Dear Amy,

I and others here seem to feel concerned that our questions have led to you

feeling like you have to defend your decision. I really think it is more

curiosity, awe or fascination we are expressing. There is also a general trend

here toward LC and NC. I think this might be because people coming here need

support to stand up to their nada and/or foo. My sense is that people writing

and reading here have gotten all kinds of guilt trips from nada, foo and

society, so they need strength and courage to survive and make basic boundaries.

These are things that more healthy individuals do naturally, as I understand it.

I think one purpose this group serves is as a whistle-blowing or policing type

of thing. For example, one lady wrote in about leaving kids unsupervised with

nada. Doug wrote back in very strong terms, saying things kind of like: No

defenseless child should be left alone with nada EVER. This helped me when I

read it because I'm always making excuses and sitting the fence with her in my

life. The bold statements from group members help jolt me out of compliance

with society's rule that mommy knows best.

I allow my kids to interact with nada as well and only recently decided to go LC

and only supervised visits with her. I do not see a need to tell her this in so

many words. And, like you, I don't get into deeply personal things anymore. I

partly allow contact so my kids can have a grandma and partly to keep from

having the intense drama that NC would bring. You do not need to defend your

decision here or anywhere else, and we appreciate you taking time to answer our

questions about your situation.

Sincerely,

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> I can sense that there are readers here who strongly disagree with the way I

have handled this...but it is really the only way I can see doing this right

now...unless she does something that is even slightly unacceptable.> Amy

>

[Guest guest]

,

I see how my way of thinking can make others question their decisions.

My decision works for me...maybe it won't last even one more day, but for now,

it does.

I think in many of your circumstances, you HAVE TO be NC...there's no other

option. You have to save yourselves.

I should have been NC with my mom in my teens and twenties. Now in my forties,

things have changed. She's still the hypochondriac, still the worry-wart, still

the one who can manipulate and white-lie to my face.

But she can no longer hurt me.

I have seen her for who she is. A human being with severe emotional problems.

Knowledge is power...and I have the knowledge now.

Yes, every day is struggle, trying to undo her brainwashing of me.

But it doesn't involve her anymore.

I've been working hard on bettering my attitude and how I see things.

So, when I see lots of you are NC, I give you all a lot of credit. I should have

done that years ago. I admire your strength. I could never do it.

But now, it's past the point, and she has mellowed...i'm a grown-up and she

doesn't have to raise me anymore...that's what flipped her out so many years

ago.

Amy

for Amy Re: Henny Penny

I agree with Coalminersdotter. You make great points. We are all here for

reassurances. Amy's comments have caught us all off guard because we each

wonder if we are being too hard on our nadas (the FOG is rolling in.....) We

start chatting it up because we need to stay strong in our personal decisons

whatever they are for each of us, LC, NC whatever. I like how coalminer'sdotter

writes " I partly allow contact so my kids can have a grandma and partly to keep

from having the intense drama that NC would bring. " That is totally what is

happening to me right now. I was able to handle my nada on LC, but now that I

have gone NC, she has gone absolutely BALISTIC. It is bringing up memories of

the past and how she treated my father and others in her extended family when

she didn't get her own way. I was never the direct recipient of the rage until

now. The NC has literally driven her off the deep end altogether and it is

scaring the bejeepers out of me beca use I know the damage she is capable of

(letters, phone calls, calling relatives with lies, calling police, etc). I

don't know what each day will bring and I live in fear of her, I am afraid for

her to have my address, phone number, even though I live hundreds of miles away.

The solution would be to revert back to LC to resolve this drama, but now that

she has shown me what she is capable of with this emotional blackmail, I am even

more determined to protect myself and my kids from her. I always knew there

would come a day when I would be forced to go NC, and that when that day came,

it would not be pretty. It is exactly as I predicted. So yes, you are exactly

right, NC is its own personal hell and it has to be worth it and something you

are willing to stick with. Also, the guilt is a lot worse. When I was LC, each

conversation I had with her was like a little innoculation against guilt (oh

yeah, this is why I don't have a relationship with her). When I am NC, I forg

et. My personal mental hell. I've had it since I was young enough to think, the

nightmares started around age four. That's when I realized she was a nada. Too

bad I couldn't go online back then and find a group like this one!!!!

> >>

> > I can sense that there are readers here who strongly disagree with the way I

have handled this...but it is really the only way I can see doing this right

now...unless she does something that is even slightly unacceptable.> Amy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder about this. I feel so intensely afraid of my own mother. And I can't

explain why because she never physically or sexually abused me that I know of.

But the fear is so horrible and all-consuming. It's not bad when she's here in

person, but on the phone or when I'm away from her, it just takes me over.

Sometimes I wonder, am I just making this up? But I don't feel this way about

anyone else, so I think there must be some reason. I am vulnerable

psychologically and emotionally, so I guess the fear is of those things?

I'm so sorry about the fear you live in. I hate how they consume our lives,

pretty much no matter what we do. I think we can move past this, but I don't

know how. I believe we will get there. That's why we're here in WTO. Partly

to finally have someone support us and also to go on this journey together, the

journey toward healing.

As Doug, Anne, and others write, " May we all heal. "

+Coal Miner's Daughter

I was able to handle my nada on LC, but now that I have gone NC, she has gone

absolutely BALISTIC.

I don't know what each day will bring and I live in fear of her...

[Guest guest]

I feel the same...I always wonder if it really was all that bad. But I do know

that she made me cry, watched me squirm...didn't offer ways of handling things

she created. There was no way out. Death was the only option. Either hers or

mine. It could have gone either way.

I stopped her in her tracks once...which I was very proud of myself for...wasn't

intentional to hurt her...just to be honest:

She repeatedly, year after year, told me that if anything ever happened to her

or my dad, that it would be MY fault. She said, " You're going to be the death of

me. "

I said, " Not if I go first. "

That made her very angry...but I was just telling my truth. Not in anger, just

in the way that she should stop saying that...what if I did go first??? Life

isn't always fair that way...younger people die too.

I have spent years in therapy, and somehow learned to wipe my feelings for her

out.

So hard. So not like anything I'd be capable of doing. I am a lifelong, devoted,

loving person.

But what she gave to me, I now use on her.

So sad.

But I don't let her hurt me anymore. I am indifferent to her and her words, her

whining and her logic.

Luckily, she doesn't try stuff on me anymore. I think she knows that I am not

playing anymore.

Either way, it's s sucky way to live...feels very unauthentic.

Amy

for Amy Re: Henny Penny

I wonder about this. I feel so intensely afraid of my own mother. And I can't

explain why because she never physically or sexually abused me that I know of.

But the fear is so horrible and all-consuming. It's not bad when she's here in

person, but on the phone or when I'm away from her, it just takes me over.

Sometimes I wonder, am I just making this up? But I don't feel this way about

anyone else, so I think there must be some reason. I am vulnerable

psychologically and emotionally, so I guess the fear is of those things?

I'm so sorry about the fear you live in. I hate how they consume our lives,

pretty much no matter what we do. I think we can move past this, but I don't

know how. I believe we will get there. That's why we're here in WTO. Partly

to finally have someone support us and also to go on this journey together, the

journey toward healing.

As Doug, Anne, and others write, " May we all heal. "

+Coal Miner's Daughter

I was able to handle my nada on LC, but now that I have gone NC, she has gone

absolutely BALISTIC.

I don't know what each day will bring and I live in fear of her...