Marital Problems from Growing Up with a BPD Parent??

[Guest guest]

My parents have separate floors of the house and separate bedrooms. Although

they do spend a lot of time together. However, most of this time is spent

arguing because my father goes off his rocker sometimes. When he's really happy

there's no problems, and when he starts going crazy again... it all goes to

hell.

My father practically brainwashed me to marry my first husband. He would tell

me things like " He's better than you. " and " You'd be lucky to have him because

you don't deserve him. " Basically just drilled into me that this guy was some

kind of saint and I was an evil witch who could redeem myself by marrying my

father's personality clone. I went through with it because I was desperate to

get away from my father. Instead, he came over all the time, dumped his

problems on me, told me about his affair (even had me talk to her on the phone),

and proceeded to tell me incredibly horrific made up stories about my mother.

Anyways, the marriage only lasted 7 months and then we divorced asap. He was

starting to show signs of physical abuse... hitting objects, yelling, showing

serious signs of a bad temper and aggression. He made all the money and treated

me like I was a burden beneath him.

Unfortunately, I have no college education because my BPD dad thinks its best to

punish me for not being his minion. I cannot afford it and pretty much can't

take care of myself because of how my father disabled me and pushed me so far

behind my capabilities. I hate that I can't financially take care of myself.

It eats me away every single day.

The past year of living with my parents was straight hell. Dad would start

random fights with me (I work from home) and get me to fight with him. It got

to the point where I was SO stressed out I had a BAD ulcer and strong vitamin

deficiencies. I had to get out of the house. It was literally making me sick.

My doctor told me that if I stayed that stressed out I was going to age

extremely fast and get a plethora of more health problems.

I've never been able to keep men around. I'm the type that was always a lover

and never a friend. No man ever wanted to stick by me. I have a lot of baggage

and many brain & sensory differences... of which I won't go into right now...

The only one I was ever in love with and was in love with me back... would have

made a horribly abusive partner.

After a series of falling in love twice and repeated heartbreaks, and life

disappointments. I met my current husband (of 1.5 months). We both financially

can't make it without one another, which I partially like because it means I'm

needed. He goes out of his way all the time for me. He's a good man. I

decided to move in with him and suggested marriage as a possibility. Once we

lived together, his pastor father and very religious family had a cow

practically. I had actually called off the wedding at one point because I

didn't feel ready, and I still don't feel like I was ready. I have so much

baggage, my life is not in order... it just wasn't the right time. His brother

wouldn't let me in the house, his parents talked about me like I was a whore, he

had to lie about living together to all of his friends, and my hubby was all

stressed out 24/7 because of keeping it a secret. When I told him I wanted to

call off the wedding he flipped out because he didn't want to lie to everyone

for a year.

Needless to say, it happened again... Family pressure got me to walk down the

isle. It wasn't even MY parents this time, it was his family and their

religious living standards. I was allowed into his brother's house for

thanksgiving and his parents are nice to me now. It's extremely upsetting to me

and makes me very angry.

To summarize the rest of this long story... I'm now married. Not in love with

the guy and never was. Feeling miserable because I'd rather supply my own life

and live by myself. Not attracted to him about 99% of the time. Our values

blend and sort of communication styles. He thinks we have great

communication... In fact, I really don't tell him anything... ever... at all. I

keep a lot of secrets. He's good to me, I'm his first love and he has no

problem bending over backwards to make me happy. I just wish I felt willing to

do the same. I find his problems more of a bother than longing to make him feel

better. I never felt anything towards him. Broke up with him twice while

dating in fact. He pushed it and pushed it anyways... I always figure maybe he

doesn't care that I've never been in love with him. I mean, he knows it and he

still walked down the isle. I convinced myself to get married claiming that

security and being treated right is much better than being in love.

I have no idea if I'm just blinded by all the BPD parent baggage? Or if this

marriage really is doomed? I think its made me very depressed and angry at a

lot in my life. I just always have this nagging feeling like if I had an actual

dad instead of a psych ward patient, I would be somewhere very different right

now.

Anyone else know where I'm coming from? =/