Re: Nada is so cruel

[Guest guest]

do we have the same mother? Wow. A lot of this resonated with me. For some

reasons, I think mother's with bpd think they have all authority and power over

other people too! It's crazy-making at it's best.

I also have a friend who has 4 children. She's not married and has no job. I

don't agree with the fact that she keeps having kids (in my opinion), but it

doesn't mean she's not my friend and it's certainly not my business to interfere

with her sex life. Still, it reminds me of how judgmental my mother used to be

of others but she was certainly NO SAINT herself.

Nada is so cruel

I called her today to tell her my best friend gave birth to her second son and

that they were both doing good. I thought this is good news, but my nada had to

go on and on about how awful my friend is and how awful it is that I idolize her

(I have no idea where she got that idea) and how the kids were bastards and why

couldn't my friend keep her legs together (what year are we in? it's pretty easy

to have sex and not have kids, and why is my friends sex life even up for

discussion??) and how they're welfare children (they aren't on welfare but the

kids are on medicaid) and how she doesn't believe in people having illegitimate

children without marriage. (I don't really care what she believes in, it's

really irrelevant to my friend having a kid.) I asked if money would fall into

my friends lap if she got married and suddenly they would have health insurance,

but Nada wouldn't answer, she just kept ranting. My friend's partner is in

medical school, and Nada was saying & quot;He'll never ever be a doctor, she'll

pop out kids and get fat and support him through school and then he'll find

someone better looking " . My friend is not " popping out kids " she has 2 that are

3 years apart and she's turning 30. They both work to support their kids, the

kids are wanted. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me.

Then she goes into a rant that I'M not married and having kids, even though I

have even less money than my friend. (I'd have " welfare children " if I had

kids.) She went on about how all my cousins are getting married and have kids.

Well, my cousins are Mormons! They all had kids by 20. I'm not a Morman, and

frankly my Nada would freak out if I was (she is kind of bigoted against them.)

I've told her I have no reason to get married and she hates that. (I'm very

pragmatic and don't care about tradition. Plus I see HER marriage and don't even

want anything with the same name frankly.)

I don't know why she cares so much about whether or not my friend, who lives on

the other side of the country, is not married. She's so cruel. I just wanted to

tell her GOOD news and she turned it into some crazy rant about how bad my best

friends life is going to turn out.

Casey

[Guest guest]

Hey, Casey,

Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched onto

an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do with her

failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say, but maybe

it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes from really

incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity, who's to say?

Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I wonder

if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a baby

(congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of nowhere

about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian with my

best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at the

time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to do

with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach this? "

But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my closeness

to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I know you tell

her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument with my friend

(which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were her place and

she could incite me to disconnect.

Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is jealous

of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own hatred

of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

Elle

>

> I called her today to tell her my best friend gave birth to her second son and

that they were both doing good. I thought this is good news, but my nada had to

go on and on about how awful my friend is and how awful it is that I idolize her

(I have no idea where she got that idea) and how the kids were bastards and why

couldn't my friend keep her legs together (what year are we in? it's pretty easy

to have sex and not have kids, and why is my friends sex life even up for

discussion??) and how they're welfare children (they aren't on welfare but the

kids are on medicaid) and how she doesn't believe in people having illegitimate

children without marriage. (I don't really care what she believes in, it's

really irrelevant to my friend having a kid.) I asked if money would fall into

my friends lap if she got married and suddenly they would have health insurance,

but Nada wouldn't answer, she just kept ranting. My friend's partner is in

medical school, and Nada was saying " He'll never ever be a doctor, she'll pop

out kids and get fat and support him through school and then he'll find someone

better looking " . My friend is not " popping out kids " she has 2 that are 3 years

apart and she's turning 30. They both work to support their kids, the kids are

wanted. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me.

>

> Then she goes into a rant that I'M not married and having kids, even though I

have even less money than my friend. (I'd have " welfare children " if I had

kids.) She went on about how all my cousins are getting married and have kids.

Well, my cousins are Mormons! They all had kids by 20. I'm not a Morman, and

frankly my Nada would freak out if I was (she is kind of bigoted against them.)

I've told her I have no reason to get married and she hates that. (I'm very

pragmatic and don't care about tradition. Plus I see HER marriage and don't even

want anything with the same name frankly.)

>

> I don't know why she cares so much about whether or not my friend, who lives

on the other side of the country, is not married. She's so cruel. I just wanted

to tell her GOOD news and she turned it into some crazy rant about how bad my

best friends life is going to turn out.

>

> Casey

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Elle, your story is all too familiar. . . so strange

>

>

> Hey, Casey,

>

> Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched

> onto an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do

> with her failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't

> say, but maybe it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity

> comes from really incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional

> immaturity, who's to say?

>

> Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I

> wonder if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had

> a baby (congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out

> of nowhere about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a

> lesbian with my best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy

> emotionally at the time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh.

> It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that

> the idea came out of NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she

> was crying. She had been thinking about this for three days from what I

> could tell before addressing me. Not only did she seem to think (and she

> couldn't get off this one) that I had become a lesbian because of some books

> my friend lent me an additional four years earlier, but she announced with

> all the zealous of a martyr that she could and was going to stop me from

> seeing my friend.

>

> Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

> this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

> closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

> know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an

> argument with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her

> as if it were her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

>

> Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

> jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her

> own hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional

> immaturity and bigotry...Who knows?

>

> Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

>

> Elle

>

>

>

> >

> > I called her today to tell her my best friend gave birth to her second

> son and that they were both doing good. I thought this is good news, but my

> nada had to go on and on about how awful my friend is and how awful it is

> that I idolize her (I have no idea where she got that idea) and how the kids

> were bastards and why couldn't my friend keep her legs together (what year

> are we in? it's pretty easy to have sex and not have kids, and why is my

> friends sex life even up for discussion??) and how they're welfare children

> (they aren't on welfare but the kids are on medicaid) and how she doesn't

> believe in people having illegitimate children without marriage. (I don't

> really care what she believes in, it's really irrelevant to my friend having

> a kid.) I asked if money would fall into my friends lap if she got married

> and suddenly they would have health insurance, but Nada wouldn't answer, she

> just kept ranting. My friend's partner is in medical school, and Nada was

> saying " He'll never ever be a doctor, she'll pop out kids and get fat and

> support him through school and then he'll find someone better looking " . My

> friend is not " popping out kids " she has 2 that are 3 years apart and she's

> turning 30. They both work to support their kids, the kids are wanted. This

> doesn't seem that abnormal to me.

> >

> > Then she goes into a rant that I'M not married and having kids, even

> though I have even less money than my friend. (I'd have " welfare children "

> if I had kids.) She went on about how all my cousins are getting married and

> have kids. Well, my cousins are Mormons! They all had kids by 20. I'm not a

> Morman, and frankly my Nada would freak out if I was (she is kind of bigoted

> against them.) I've told her I have no reason to get married and she hates

> that. (I'm very pragmatic and don't care about tradition. Plus I see HER

> marriage and don't even want anything with the same name frankly.)

> >

> > I don't know why she cares so much about whether or not my friend, who

> lives on the other side of the country, is not married. She's so cruel. I

> just wanted to tell her GOOD news and she turned it into some crazy rant

> about how bad my best friends life is going to turn out.

> >

> > Casey

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS, with my

friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her stay in the

same room when she slept over because she thought we were " becoming lesbians " !

I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my friends for sure.

But this one lives on the other side of the country and I hardly ever see her.

I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't believe in

children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her life how she

wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names hurts my

feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that saying mean

things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things about me. When I

was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she would start going

on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they were stupid, bastards,

that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just pretending to get something out

of me, etc.

The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids. I don't

know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this point in time

and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do it for HER. So

she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like normal

people.

Casey

>

> Hey, Casey,

>

> Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched onto

an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do with her

failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say, but maybe

it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes from really

incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity, who's to say?

>

> Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I wonder

if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a baby

(congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of nowhere

about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian with my

best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at the

time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to do

with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

>

> Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

>

> Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

>

> Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS, with my

friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her stay in the

same room when she slept over because she thought we were " becoming lesbians " !

I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my friends for sure.

But this one lives on the other side of the country and I hardly ever see her.

I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't believe in

children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her life how she

wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names hurts my

feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that saying mean

things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things about me. When I

was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she would start going

on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they were stupid, bastards,

that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just pretending to get something out

of me, etc.

The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids. I don't

know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this point in time

and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do it for HER. So

she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like normal

people.

Casey

>

> Hey, Casey,

>

> Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched onto

an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do with her

failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say, but maybe

it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes from really

incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity, who's to say?

>

> Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I wonder

if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a baby

(congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of nowhere

about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian with my

best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at the

time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to do

with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

>

> Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

>

> Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

>

> Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, nadas certainly have no place to be judgmental. If anyone shouldn't be

having kids it's my nada!!! She was saying how awful my friends kids are going

to turn out (just because their parents aren't married? please. mine are and

that doesn't make them good parents) when she herself was a horrible mother. I

can guarantee my friend is a better mother than my nada, even if my friend is

poor and unmarried and my nada was married and well-off. And it's not like if my

friend married her bf money would suddenly fall into their laps.

>

>

> do we have the same mother? Wow. A lot of this resonated with me. For some

reasons, I think mother's with bpd think they have all authority and power over

other people too! It's crazy-making at it's best.

>

> I also have a friend who has 4 children. She's not married and has no job. I

don't agree with the fact that she keeps having kids (in my opinion), but it

doesn't mean she's not my friend and it's certainly not my business to interfere

with her sex life. Still, it reminds me of how judgmental my mother used to be

of others but she was certainly NO SAINT herself.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Nada is so cruel

>

>

>

>

> I called her today to tell her my best friend gave birth to her second son and

that they were both doing good. I thought this is good news, but my nada had to

go on and on about how awful my friend is and how awful it is that I idolize her

(I have no idea where she got that idea) and how the kids were bastards and why

couldn't my friend keep her legs together (what year are we in? it's pretty easy

to have sex and not have kids, and why is my friends sex life even up for

discussion??) and how they're welfare children (they aren't on welfare but the

kids are on medicaid) and how she doesn't believe in people having illegitimate

children without marriage. (I don't really care what she believes in, it's

really irrelevant to my friend having a kid.) I asked if money would fall into

my friends lap if she got married and suddenly they would have health insurance,

but Nada wouldn't answer, she just kept ranting. My friend's partner is in

medical school, and Nada was saying & quot;He'll never ever be a doctor, she'll

pop out kids and get fat and support him through school and then he'll find

someone better looking " . My friend is not " popping out kids " she has 2 that are

3 years apart and she's turning 30. They both work to support their kids, the

kids are wanted. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me.

>

> Then she goes into a rant that I'M not married and having kids, even though I

have even less money than my friend. (I'd have " welfare children " if I had

kids.) She went on about how all my cousins are getting married and have kids.

Well, my cousins are Mormons! They all had kids by 20. I'm not a Morman, and

frankly my Nada would freak out if I was (she is kind of bigoted against them.)

I've told her I have no reason to get married and she hates that. (I'm very

pragmatic and don't care about tradition. Plus I see HER marriage and don't even

want anything with the same name frankly.)

>

> I don't know why she cares so much about whether or not my friend, who lives

on the other side of the country, is not married. She's so cruel. I just wanted

to tell her GOOD news and she turned it into some crazy rant about how bad my

best friends life is going to turn out.

>

> Casey

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, nadas certainly have no place to be judgmental. If anyone shouldn't be

having kids it's my nada!!! She was saying how awful my friends kids are going

to turn out (just because their parents aren't married? please. mine are and

that doesn't make them good parents) when she herself was a horrible mother. I

can guarantee my friend is a better mother than my nada, even if my friend is

poor and unmarried and my nada was married and well-off. And it's not like if my

friend married her bf money would suddenly fall into their laps.

>

>

> do we have the same mother? Wow. A lot of this resonated with me. For some

reasons, I think mother's with bpd think they have all authority and power over

other people too! It's crazy-making at it's best.

>

> I also have a friend who has 4 children. She's not married and has no job. I

don't agree with the fact that she keeps having kids (in my opinion), but it

doesn't mean she's not my friend and it's certainly not my business to interfere

with her sex life. Still, it reminds me of how judgmental my mother used to be

of others but she was certainly NO SAINT herself.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Nada is so cruel

>

>

>

>

> I called her today to tell her my best friend gave birth to her second son and

that they were both doing good. I thought this is good news, but my nada had to

go on and on about how awful my friend is and how awful it is that I idolize her

(I have no idea where she got that idea) and how the kids were bastards and why

couldn't my friend keep her legs together (what year are we in? it's pretty easy

to have sex and not have kids, and why is my friends sex life even up for

discussion??) and how they're welfare children (they aren't on welfare but the

kids are on medicaid) and how she doesn't believe in people having illegitimate

children without marriage. (I don't really care what she believes in, it's

really irrelevant to my friend having a kid.) I asked if money would fall into

my friends lap if she got married and suddenly they would have health insurance,

but Nada wouldn't answer, she just kept ranting. My friend's partner is in

medical school, and Nada was saying & quot;He'll never ever be a doctor, she'll

pop out kids and get fat and support him through school and then he'll find

someone better looking " . My friend is not " popping out kids " she has 2 that are

3 years apart and she's turning 30. They both work to support their kids, the

kids are wanted. This doesn't seem that abnormal to me.

>

> Then she goes into a rant that I'M not married and having kids, even though I

have even less money than my friend. (I'd have " welfare children " if I had

kids.) She went on about how all my cousins are getting married and have kids.

Well, my cousins are Mormons! They all had kids by 20. I'm not a Morman, and

frankly my Nada would freak out if I was (she is kind of bigoted against them.)

I've told her I have no reason to get married and she hates that. (I'm very

pragmatic and don't care about tradition. Plus I see HER marriage and don't even

want anything with the same name frankly.)

>

> I don't know why she cares so much about whether or not my friend, who lives

on the other side of the country, is not married. She's so cruel. I just wanted

to tell her GOOD news and she turned it into some crazy rant about how bad my

best friends life is going to turn out.

>

> Casey

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

How bizarre. There are so many strange overlaps from one person's stories to the

next!

That's good to hear, though - I'm glad you are obviously a lot more emotionally

healthy than your nada, in that you know you aren't ready/don't want kids/to get

married, and so you won't! I know there is a lot of pressure in our culture,

among many others, to get married and have children by a certain age, and if you

haven't, people ask " Why? " As if you would ever pose the same question to a

couple who DID have kids!

Anyway, it sounds like you're right about some of the reasons your nada behaves

that way. I agree, and it's terrible beyond words, but I do know many BP's who

are fully aware of the things that hurt you and deliberately use them against

you. I always have to be careful of what I say to my nada, as she has a

wonderful habit of throwing my own words back in my face at the " perfect "

moment.

Also, isn't it horrible the things they'll say to you that might just stick with

you? I'm thinking of my nada when I was maybe twelve or thirteen saying, " You

need to be likeable, or else you'll end up all alone. " What a horrible thing to

say to a kid...and she may believe that, or not, or she might not even remember

saying that to me, but god did I hold on to that one for many miserable years. I

hope that by the time your mother would say things about your friends just

" using " you that you didn't believe her, too

Yeah, a simple " congratulations " WOULD be nice, wouldn't it? Best of luck with

this,

Elle

> >

> > Hey, Casey,

> >

> > Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched

onto an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do

with her failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say,

but maybe it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes

from really incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity,

who's to say?

> >

> > Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I

wonder if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a

baby (congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of

nowhere about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian

with my best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at

the time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to

do with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

> >

> > Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

> >

> > Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

> >

> > Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

> >

> > Elle

> >

>

[Guest guest]

How bizarre. There are so many strange overlaps from one person's stories to the

next!

That's good to hear, though - I'm glad you are obviously a lot more emotionally

healthy than your nada, in that you know you aren't ready/don't want kids/to get

married, and so you won't! I know there is a lot of pressure in our culture,

among many others, to get married and have children by a certain age, and if you

haven't, people ask " Why? " As if you would ever pose the same question to a

couple who DID have kids!

Anyway, it sounds like you're right about some of the reasons your nada behaves

that way. I agree, and it's terrible beyond words, but I do know many BP's who

are fully aware of the things that hurt you and deliberately use them against

you. I always have to be careful of what I say to my nada, as she has a

wonderful habit of throwing my own words back in my face at the " perfect "

moment.

Also, isn't it horrible the things they'll say to you that might just stick with

you? I'm thinking of my nada when I was maybe twelve or thirteen saying, " You

need to be likeable, or else you'll end up all alone. " What a horrible thing to

say to a kid...and she may believe that, or not, or she might not even remember

saying that to me, but god did I hold on to that one for many miserable years. I

hope that by the time your mother would say things about your friends just

" using " you that you didn't believe her, too

Yeah, a simple " congratulations " WOULD be nice, wouldn't it? Best of luck with

this,

Elle

> >

> > Hey, Casey,

> >

> > Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched

onto an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do

with her failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say,

but maybe it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes

from really incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity,

who's to say?

> >

> > Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I

wonder if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a

baby (congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of

nowhere about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian

with my best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at

the time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to

do with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

> >

> > Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

> >

> > Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

> >

> > Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

> >

> > Elle

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe they attack not to attack but for the result: the sense of power and

domination. Also getting to make a happy person to feel like they do.

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: Nada is so cruel

How bizarre. There are so many strange overlaps from one person's stories to the

next!

That's good to hear, though - I'm glad you are obviously a lot more emotionally

healthy than your nada, in that you know you aren't ready/don't want kids/to get

married, and so you won't! I know there is a lot of pressure in our culture,

among many others, to get married and have children by a certain age, and if you

haven't, people ask " Why? " As if you would ever pose the same question to a

couple who DID have kids!

Anyway, it sounds like you're right about some of the reasons your nada behaves

that way. I agree, and it's terrible beyond words, but I do know many BP's who

are fully aware of the things that hurt you and deliberately use them against

you. I always have to be careful of what I say to my nada, as she has a

wonderful habit of throwing my own words back in my face at the " perfect "

moment.

Also, isn't it horrible the things they'll say to you that might just stick with

you? I'm thinking of my nada when I was maybe twelve or thirteen saying, " You

need to be likeable, or else you'll end up all alone. " What a horrible thing to

say to a kid...and she may believe that, or not, or she might not even remember

saying that to me, but god did I hold on to that one for many miserable years. I

hope that by the time your mother would say things about your friends just

" using " you that you didn't believe her, too

Yeah, a simple " congratulations " WOULD be nice, wouldn't it? Best of luck with

this,

Elle

> >

> > Hey, Casey,

> >

> > Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched

onto an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do

with her failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say,

but maybe it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes

from really incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity,

who's to say?

> >

> > Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I

wonder if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a

baby (congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of

nowhere about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian

with my best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at

the time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to

do with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

> >

> > Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

> >

> > Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

> >

> > Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

> >

> > Elle

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I read this on the fly - I was always accused of being a lesbian with my best

friend. I remember it was so humiliating.

> > >

> > > Hey, Casey,

> > >

> > > Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched

onto an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do

with her failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say,

but maybe it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes

from really incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity,

who's to say?

> > >

> > > Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I

wonder if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a

baby (congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of

nowhere about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian

with my best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at

the time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to

do with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

> > >

> > > Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

> > >

> > > Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

> > >

> > > Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

> > >

> > > Elle

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed with

the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with his

neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid for

it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank me?

She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an upgraded

room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were unpacking nada

turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless conveyed disgust

and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask her mother to come

to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me in the heart so

deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I remained " present " and

didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that to me.

Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she was

shaming me for it.

It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at them

for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS, with my

friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her stay in the

same room when she slept over because she thought we were " becoming lesbians " !

> > >

> > > I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my friends for

sure. But this one lives on the other side of the country and I hardly ever see

her.

> > >

> > > I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't

believe in children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her life

how she wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names hurts my

feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that saying mean

things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things about me. When I

was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she would start going

on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they were stupid, bastards,

that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just pretending to get something out

of me, etc.

> > >

> > > The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids. I

don't know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this point in

time and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do it for HER.

So she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

> > >

> > > I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like normal

people.

> > >

> > > Casey

[Guest guest]

Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed with

the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with his

neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid for

it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank me?

She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an upgraded

room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were unpacking nada

turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless conveyed disgust

and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask her mother to come

to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me in the heart so

deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I remained " present " and

didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that to me.

Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she was

shaming me for it.

It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at them

for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS, with my

friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her stay in the

same room when she slept over because she thought we were " becoming lesbians " !

> > >

> > > I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my friends for

sure. But this one lives on the other side of the country and I hardly ever see

her.

> > >

> > > I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't

believe in children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her life

how she wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names hurts my

feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that saying mean

things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things about me. When I

was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she would start going

on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they were stupid, bastards,

that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just pretending to get something out

of me, etc.

> > >

> > > The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids. I

don't know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this point in

time and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do it for HER.

So she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

> > >

> > > I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like normal

people.

> > >

> > > Casey

[Guest guest]

Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed with

the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with his

neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid for

it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank me?

She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an upgraded

room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were unpacking nada

turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless conveyed disgust

and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask her mother to come

to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me in the heart so

deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I remained " present " and

didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that to me.

Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she was

shaming me for it.

It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at them

for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS, with my

friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her stay in the

same room when she slept over because she thought we were " becoming lesbians " !

> > >

> > > I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my friends for

sure. But this one lives on the other side of the country and I hardly ever see

her.

> > >

> > > I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't

believe in children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her life

how she wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names hurts my

feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that saying mean

things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things about me. When I

was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she would start going

on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they were stupid, bastards,

that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just pretending to get something out

of me, etc.

> > >

> > > The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids. I

don't know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this point in

time and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do it for HER.

So she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

> > >

> > > I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like normal

people.

> > >

> > > Casey

[Guest guest]

I have a similar happening Annie. 15 years ago (maybe longer), I flew

to FL to visit nada & fada. One night we went to their Club for dinner. We

sat at the bar waiting for our table. Before flying to FL, I got a

haircut (short, spiked, sassy). As soon as we sat at the bar, nada announces

to

everyone there: " doesn't my daughter look like one of the lesbians on

Oprah today? " then laughs and laughs.......WTH? I just wanted the floor to

suck me up and hide. I'll probably never forget it. It meant nothing

to her. Who humiliates their own daughter in front of numerous strangers

and sees nothing wrong with that? In fact, finds it funny.

Laurie

In a message dated 12/16/2010 12:08:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe

with his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada

carried on about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't

get to go too, etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid

for it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she

thank me? She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for

an upgraded room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we

were unpacking nada turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that

nevertheless conveyed disgust and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian

would

ask her mother to come to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which

stabbed me in the heart so deeply that its one of the first times as an adult

that I remained " present " and didn't dissociate or forget that she actually

said that to me.

Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do

whatever consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!)

It's that my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed

of my physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual

love that I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and

humiliation.

My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here

she was shaming me for it.

It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering

at them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you

disgusting CRIPPLE? "

The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS,

with my friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her

stay in the same room when she slept over because she thought we were

" becoming lesbians " !

> > >

> > > I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my

friends for sure. But this one lives on the other side of the country and I

hardly ever see her.

> > >

> > > I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't

believe in children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her

life how she wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names

hurts my feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that

saying mean things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things

about me. When I was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she

would start going on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they

were stupid, bastards, that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just

pretending to get something out of me, etc.

> > >

> > > The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids.

I don't know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this

point in time and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do

it for HER. So she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

> > >

> > > I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like

normal people.

> > >

> > > Casey

[Guest guest]

I have a similar happening Annie. 15 years ago (maybe longer), I flew

to FL to visit nada & fada. One night we went to their Club for dinner. We

sat at the bar waiting for our table. Before flying to FL, I got a

haircut (short, spiked, sassy). As soon as we sat at the bar, nada announces

to

everyone there: " doesn't my daughter look like one of the lesbians on

Oprah today? " then laughs and laughs.......WTH? I just wanted the floor to

suck me up and hide. I'll probably never forget it. It meant nothing

to her. Who humiliates their own daughter in front of numerous strangers

and sees nothing wrong with that? In fact, finds it funny.

Laurie

In a message dated 12/16/2010 12:08:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe

with his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada

carried on about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't

get to go too, etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid

for it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she

thank me? She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for

an upgraded room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we

were unpacking nada turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that

nevertheless conveyed disgust and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian

would

ask her mother to come to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which

stabbed me in the heart so deeply that its one of the first times as an adult

that I remained " present " and didn't dissociate or forget that she actually

said that to me.

Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do

whatever consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!)

It's that my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed

of my physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual

love that I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and

humiliation.

My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here

she was shaming me for it.

It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering

at them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you

disgusting CRIPPLE? "

The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS,

with my friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her

stay in the same room when she slept over because she thought we were

" becoming lesbians " !

> > >

> > > I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my

friends for sure. But this one lives on the other side of the country and I

hardly ever see her.

> > >

> > > I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't

believe in children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her

life how she wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names

hurts my feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that

saying mean things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things

about me. When I was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she

would start going on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they

were stupid, bastards, that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just

pretending to get something out of me, etc.

> > >

> > > The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids.

I don't know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this

point in time and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do

it for HER. So she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

> > >

> > > I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like

normal people.

> > >

> > > Casey

[Guest guest]

I have a similar happening Annie. 15 years ago (maybe longer), I flew

to FL to visit nada & fada. One night we went to their Club for dinner. We

sat at the bar waiting for our table. Before flying to FL, I got a

haircut (short, spiked, sassy). As soon as we sat at the bar, nada announces

to

everyone there: " doesn't my daughter look like one of the lesbians on

Oprah today? " then laughs and laughs.......WTH? I just wanted the floor to

suck me up and hide. I'll probably never forget it. It meant nothing

to her. Who humiliates their own daughter in front of numerous strangers

and sees nothing wrong with that? In fact, finds it funny.

Laurie

In a message dated 12/16/2010 12:08:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe

with his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada

carried on about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't

get to go too, etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid

for it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she

thank me? She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for

an upgraded room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we

were unpacking nada turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that

nevertheless conveyed disgust and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian

would

ask her mother to come to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which

stabbed me in the heart so deeply that its one of the first times as an adult

that I remained " present " and didn't dissociate or forget that she actually

said that to me.

Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do

whatever consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!)

It's that my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed

of my physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual

love that I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and

humiliation.

My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here

she was shaming me for it.

It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering

at them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you

disgusting CRIPPLE? "

The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Wow that story sounds just like my Nada!! Amazing. In fact, in HS,

with my friend we are talking about, my nada suddenly stopped letting her

stay in the same room when she slept over because she thought we were

" becoming lesbians " !

> > >

> > > I have no idea what causes it, she's always jealous of all my

friends for sure. But this one lives on the other side of the country and I

hardly ever see her.

> > >

> > > I just don't like how judgmental nada is. That's fine if she doesn't

believe in children without marriage or whatever, she's free to live her

life how she wants. But calling my best friend and her children cruel names

hurts my feelings. I think that's also part of it - my nada DOES KNOW that

saying mean things about my friends hurts me more than saying mean things

about me. When I was young and saying cruel things to me didn't affect me she

would start going on about my friends. Saying how awful they were, they

were stupid, bastards, that they didn't REALLY like me, they were just

pretending to get something out of me, etc.

> > >

> > > The other thing is she REALLY wants me to get married and have kids.

I don't know that I ever will, I am not prepared for kids at all at this

point in time and am not sure I ever will be. I'm certainly not going to do

it for HER. So she's jealous of all my friends who are having kids.

> > >

> > > I wish she could just say " congratulations " to news like that like

normal people.

> > >

> > > Casey

[Guest guest]

Annie,your nada is a bitch.

My parents have said things to me on that level of incomprehension of the

results of their own deeds--*my* psychological destruction--that can only be

called cruel and sadistic.

And that she would make that nasty crack when you had brought her on the trip

because you'd felt badly for her...her behavior is revolting.It's like she just

has zero apprehension of what kindness and caring actually is.

I found that interesting what you said about how you'd dissociate and forget

things she actually said to you.I've been thinking alot the past few days about

how profoundly I was " mind controlled " by my parents,even after I was no longer

daily in their presence,and how I was brain washed to see myself as

worthless.It's all so very weird,the extent to which I had to block things they

did/said out just to be able to function growing up.

A few years back nada told me casually one day in conversation that the night

before she and fada had " run in to " my old grade school principal at a

diner.Nada knew very well what I think of this individual because I had

attempted several times over the years to confront both her and fada about how

they had both failed to protect me from the sixth grade male teacher I had who

molested me.She knew,because I had told her,that I also hold the principal

responsible for enabling the abuse because he also did nothing when I turned to

him for assistance.In fact,he blamed *me* and threatened *me* and tried to

intimidate me into retracting my allegations against the teacher.The first time

I went to his office asking for help I was eleven years old,a straight A student

who had never had any problems with the other teachers.

Anyway nada mentioned running into that slime in this inappropriately

cheerful,casual conversational way.I wondered briefly why she had even mentioned

it at all,since a " mother " with half a brain and half a heart would have kept it

to herself if she knew how much pain I associated with the memory of this

person.I had made that quite clear to her.That year of abuse with the teacher

was the one thing I had confronted them both about,intending to later divulge

that I had also been sexually abused by those teenaged boys previously--but nada

and fada wouldn't even listen to me about the teacher; whenever I stated point

blank that he was a pervert who had molested me,they'd both go blank like a

wall.And say nothing.And not respond.Because they refused to admit that they'd

made a mistake although nada did concede once years later that she had realized

I'd been telling the truth,but she said this like it meant nothing and when I

tried to discuss it further cut me off with, " I'm so tired of hearing about this

bullshit.By the time you were twelve,you were already an adult. " They both knew

how much I hated both that teacher and the principal.

I asked nada that day when she said she'd seen this principal in the

diner, " What did you do? "

" Oh " ,she said cheerfully, " We said hello and had a little chat.He still looks

the same... "

She and fada had had a friendly little chit chat with the guy who knowingly

left their daughter exposed to a pedophile,like everything was fine and well.

I told her, " It's a good thing I wasn't there.I would have told him exactly

what I think of him and I can't believe you two just said hello to him and

chatted with him like nothing was wrong-- "

She interrupted me,giggling, " Oh yes ha ha ha,I'll bet you would have given

him a piece of your mind,I'm glad you weren't there too,that would have been

embarassing ha ha ha... "

Embarassing...that teacher had used my own humiliation and shame to control

me.It had been extremely difficult to overcome that humiliation to go to the

principal and to tell him what was happening,which I finally did in December.It

was one of the hardest things I had done in my life up to that point--and the

principal himself shamed me.

All of them: the principal and my parents,basically colluding with that

pervert and enabling him by blaming *me* for my own abuse.While the pervert

laughed in my face--until February when I decided to fight back and although I

did fight back and I made that bastard pay,everything I went through that year

took the last vestige of my mental health.I had managed to hold on to some

semblance of sanity/selfhood for twelve years of abuse but that summer was when

went away for the next ten years.Literally.I lost the next ten years

believing that I was not ,functioning through various alters

instead.That pedo teacher was the straw that broke the camel's back for me

psychologically because not only was I not believed but was blamed and shamed

while he gleefully took advantage of that very shaming and blaming and I was

punished again and again for fighting back until I had to resort to bluffing to

the principal that I'd call the media/the school board/the police if he called

me into his office to punish me one more time.And once I had finally subdued

both him and the teacher and was finally in control of the situation,in the

Spring,nada took us all to " family therapy " with a therapist of her choosing who

joined in with nada and fada in bashing me.In one of our private sessions I told

the therapist that my teacher at school was a pervert who had been bothering me

all year when she asked me to tell her " why " I was so " angry " and she sniped at

me like a bitch, " Until you're ready to tell me the *real reason* why you're so

angry,I don't think we have much to talk about. " I was being suffocated--and the

only one who knew full well what was really going on besides me was the

pervert,who I am certain was a career pedophile.

All of this,nada found giggle worthy.These people are just sick sick

sick.They have no comprehension of what they have done.None.

>

> Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with

his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

>

> So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid for

it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank me?

She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an upgraded

room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were unpacking nada

turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless conveyed disgust

and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask her mother to come

to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me in the heart so

deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I remained " present " and

didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that to me.

>

> Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

>

> My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she

was shaming me for it.

>

> It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at

them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

>

> The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

The layers and layers of abuse you endured are nearly incomprehensible. Not one

adult that you approached for help and who was *supposed* to protect you, did.

In fact, those you went to for help (or were sent to for help) continued and

even escalated the emotional abuse. ((((((()))))))

It truly amazes me how resilient you are, and were. I think that the human will

to survive is so fantastically engineered that when no other living human being

is available to take up our cause, its possible for us to create one or more

rescuers from our own psyche.

If there is such a thing as an afterlife, I hope there is a special little nook

in hell for those who take pleasure in being deliberately cruel to children.

RE my case, I agree with you that for whatever dark reason my nada seemed to

have an overwhelming compulsion to say (and do) cruel things to me from time to

time: she was a total bitch. On a day-to-day basis, I think I just kind of

" zombied out " or tuned out what was said to me so I could function. But I do

also have " hypernesia " (the opposite of amnesia or dissociating) which is

traumatic memories burned into your brain in vivid detail. The incident during

the business trip is one of those.

-Annie

> >

> > Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with

his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

> >

> > So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid

for it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank

me? She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an

upgraded room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were

unpacking nada turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless

conveyed disgust and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask

her mother to come to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me

in the heart so deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I

remained " present " and didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that

to me.

> >

> > Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

> >

> > My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she

was shaming me for it.

> >

> > It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at

them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

> >

> > The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

The layers and layers of abuse you endured are nearly incomprehensible. Not one

adult that you approached for help and who was *supposed* to protect you, did.

In fact, those you went to for help (or were sent to for help) continued and

even escalated the emotional abuse. ((((((()))))))

It truly amazes me how resilient you are, and were. I think that the human will

to survive is so fantastically engineered that when no other living human being

is available to take up our cause, its possible for us to create one or more

rescuers from our own psyche.

If there is such a thing as an afterlife, I hope there is a special little nook

in hell for those who take pleasure in being deliberately cruel to children.

RE my case, I agree with you that for whatever dark reason my nada seemed to

have an overwhelming compulsion to say (and do) cruel things to me from time to

time: she was a total bitch. On a day-to-day basis, I think I just kind of

" zombied out " or tuned out what was said to me so I could function. But I do

also have " hypernesia " (the opposite of amnesia or dissociating) which is

traumatic memories burned into your brain in vivid detail. The incident during

the business trip is one of those.

-Annie

> >

> > Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with

his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

> >

> > So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid

for it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank

me? She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an

upgraded room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were

unpacking nada turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless

conveyed disgust and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask

her mother to come to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me

in the heart so deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I

remained " present " and didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that

to me.

> >

> > Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

> >

> > My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she

was shaming me for it.

> >

> > It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at

them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

> >

> > The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

The layers and layers of abuse you endured are nearly incomprehensible. Not one

adult that you approached for help and who was *supposed* to protect you, did.

In fact, those you went to for help (or were sent to for help) continued and

even escalated the emotional abuse. ((((((()))))))

It truly amazes me how resilient you are, and were. I think that the human will

to survive is so fantastically engineered that when no other living human being

is available to take up our cause, its possible for us to create one or more

rescuers from our own psyche.

If there is such a thing as an afterlife, I hope there is a special little nook

in hell for those who take pleasure in being deliberately cruel to children.

RE my case, I agree with you that for whatever dark reason my nada seemed to

have an overwhelming compulsion to say (and do) cruel things to me from time to

time: she was a total bitch. On a day-to-day basis, I think I just kind of

" zombied out " or tuned out what was said to me so I could function. But I do

also have " hypernesia " (the opposite of amnesia or dissociating) which is

traumatic memories burned into your brain in vivid detail. The incident during

the business trip is one of those.

-Annie

> >

> > Back about 18 or so years ago when I was still rather emotionally enmeshed

with the parents, my dad got asked to go on a short vacation trip to Europe with

his neighbor friend (a guy) and he went! (Good for you, dad!) Nada carried on

about that bitterly for months, how hurt she was that she didn't get to go too,

etc. I felt badly for her; it is sad to be left out.

> >

> > So, I invited my nada to go with me on a business trip to Brazil. I paid

for it, except for nada's plane fare, but the rest was on me. How did she thank

me? She complained about our room so relentlessly that I arranged for an

upgraded room (on my dime) that I thought would please her, but as we were

unpacking nada turned to me and said in a weird flat tone that nevertheless

conveyed disgust and revulsion, " Are you a lesbian? Only a lesbian would ask

her mother to come to Rio with her instead of asking a man. " Which stabbed me

in the heart so deeply that its one of the first times as an adult that I

remained " present " and didn't dissociate or forget that she actually said that

to me.

> >

> > Please understand, its not like I care one way or the other what someone's

sexual orientation is; I think consenting adults should be free to do whatever

consenting adults wish to do with each other sexually. (Go for it!) It's that

my mother had repeatedly and relentlessly made me feel so ashamed of my

physicality during my growing up years and feel so unworthy of sexual love that

I basically avoided dating out of fear of rejection, shame and humiliation.

> >

> > My mother pretty much made me an asexual, or non-sexual being, and here she

was shaming me for it.

> >

> > It was like breaking someone's legs with a baseball bat and then jeering at

them for crawling on the floor: " Why don't you get up and WALK, you disgusting

CRIPPLE? "

> >

> > The level of cruelty and sadism is just incomprehensible, sometimes.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you,Annie.I really do appreciate your sympathy very much.

The rest of this post is a vent...

There are reasons why the so called " adults " I turned to let me down and

it seems to me that it was also fairly typical for that time period when there

wasn't the same awareness of child abuse as there is today,especially sexual

abuse.I think,too,that the word " adult " is often a misnomer and not just for

Cluster Bs.

One of the many things I did to make the pervert teacher's working life

miserable after I decided to fight back was to refuse to stand and recite the

Pledge of Allegiance in the morning.I knew that I had a right to refuse to

participate and I thought that if he physically tried to force me to stand up

that I might have legal grounds to complain to the school board with something

they would have to listen to and sanction the teacher,since I was convinced by

then (mid winter) that nobody affiliated with that school was going to listen to

me about the molestation.Unfortunately,the pervert didn't fall for that trap but

it did really get on his nerves and I at least had the satisfaction of seeing

*his* helpless frustration.

At first he tried sending me to the principal's office to " scare " me

into reciting the pledge.I had announced to the entire clasroom that I was not

going to recite the pledge until Mr. Pervert (I had stopped calling him by his

name,which also began with a P and had two syllables like the word " pervert " and

was simply calling him Mr. Pervert) stopped messing with me and until *I* had

" liberty " from his unwanted touching,advances and sexual verbal teasing and

until *I* had " justice " .

This announcement marked my first little victory over him because after

that he no longer forced me (on trumped up charges of misbehavior) to remain

behind in the classroom with him when everyone else went outside for recess.It

was when he had me alone like that that he committed the worst of the abuse.

The day he sent me to the principal for refusing to say the pledge,I told

him the same thing.He thundered at me that *I* was " doing a very bad thing " by

making such an allegation;that I needed to understand once and for all that

saying such things about someone is " very very wrong " .Did I understand that?

I told him, " YOU don't understand,P--- is a pervert. "

(He actually had a reputation in the school,among the kids,for this.The

boys in my classroom actually joked about it.)

So he switched tactics and yelled at me that I *had* to recite the Pledge

of Allegiance.I told him there was no law stating that I *had* to.

He pounded his fist on his desk and shouted, " The Pledge of Allegiance is

in the Constitution! It's the law that you have to say it every morning! "

I asked him sarcastically if he honestly believed that.I couldn't believe

that he did.

He insisted, " It's in the Constitution and the Constitution is the law of

the land! " as if he thought it was some fascist decree.

When I let him know that,in fact,the Pledge of Allegiance is not " in the

Constitution " nor is the Constitution a decree,he reacted by threatening to

suspend me if I continued to refuse to say the pledge.

I told him to go ahead and do that.I had always been the top student in

the class and had always cared so much about the teacher " liking " me and about

my grades and about being " good " .I had decided the day I went in there to fight

back that I had to give that up because the pervert was using my concern about

my reputation to keep me down.And there I was,someone who had never been a

problem and who had been an excellent student,reduced to being threatened with

suspension and reduced to being glad about it because it seemed like my only

hope of drawing attention to what the pervert was doing.I would never ever have

imagined,before that year,that *I* would not only be threatened with suspension

but would actually welcome it.I couldn't believe that was happening to me,it was

a nightmare,because I was one of those " good kid " types who before then would

have been terrified of something like being suspended.

Do you see how screwed I was,having to depend on that idiot to " protect "

me? Nowadays,one would expect a principal to follow the mandater reporter law if

a student came forward disclosing abuse,which I had already done in

December,much less arrogantly than the way I said the same thing in February but

it wasn't the first time I had had to point out to him that the teacher happened

to be a pervert.

He never did suspend me.To this day,I don't know if he did know that my

allegations could be true and that is why he decided not to push it with a

suspension.I don't know if he did nothing because he suspected I wasn't the

first victim (I couldn't have been: that teacher knew *exactly* what he was

doing when he targeted me) and he didn't want to get into trouble for having

done nothing before me.I don't know,all I know is that he was only thinking of

himself.It reminds me of how the sex abuse in the Catholic church went on and on

for years as the victims were silenced and the perps simply shuttled from parish

to parish even when it was *known* that they were abusers,until these cases

finally made it to court.

There were reasons why the other " adults " I turned to also failed to

protect me,different ones,but the common demoninator with all of them is

that,like the principal,they chose their own comfort level over the

inconvenience of taking responsibility by acting.

To paraphrase Judith Herman,all that the perpetrator does is ask

the witnesses to do nothing,while the victim,by seeking redress,demands

engagement.As far as those " adults " I turned to were concerned,it cost *them*

alot less to do nothing than it would have to engage with the reality of my

victimization.I wish that I had been able to understand this back then: at the

time,I thought that they did nothing because I simply wasn't worth helping.

That principal wanted me to cave and consent to reciting the Pledge of

Allegiance because that would have made it easier for *him*--basically he was

demanding that I say the " pledge of allegiance " to *his* needs.One of which was:

I need not to deal with the possibility of one of my teachers being a

pedophile...While I was left to deal with the *reality* of that on my own.

>

> The layers and layers of abuse you endured are nearly incomprehensible. Not

one adult that you approached for help and who was *supposed* to protect you,

did. In fact, those you went to for help (or were sent to for help) continued

and even escalated the emotional abuse. ((((((()))))))

>

> It truly amazes me how resilient you are, and were. I think that the human

will to survive is so fantastically engineered that when no other living human

being is available to take up our cause, its possible for us to create one or

more rescuers from our own psyche.

>

> If there is such a thing as an afterlife, I hope there is a special little

nook in hell for those who take pleasure in being deliberately cruel to

children.

>

> RE my case, I agree with you that for whatever dark reason my nada seemed to

have an overwhelming compulsion to say (and do) cruel things to me from time to

time: she was a total bitch. On a day-to-day basis, I think I just kind of

" zombied out " or tuned out what was said to me so I could function. But I do

also have " hypernesia " (the opposite of amnesia or dissociating) which is

traumatic memories burned into your brain in vivid detail. The incident during

the business trip is one of those.

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

So many of our stories are so similar!

My mother has resented and tried hard to alienate all my friends over the years.

She criticizes and belittles them, says cruel things. Once when I was younger

(in my early 20s) I let something slip in her presence (something a little

critical of a friend, not a big thing). As soon as I was out of sight and

earshot she called my friend and told her how I was " badmouthing " her, etc. etc.

I do believe it is the intense jealousy and fear of abandonment that drives them

to do this.

And as far as CONSTANTLY comparing me to people - I don't even know where to

start. She compares me to cousins, friends, celebrities, etc. and tells me how

inadequate I am and how I have wasted my potential. It's the underhanded

pseudo-compliments that really infuriate me. " You are brilliant and beautiful,

and you have wasted your life. Look at so-and-so, she is not 1/10th of you and

look at the kind of house she lives in, the kind of vacations she takes... " etc.

etc. etc.

Arianna

>

> Hey, Casey,

>

> Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched onto

an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do with her

failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say, but maybe

it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes from really

incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity, who's to say?

>

> Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I wonder

if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a baby

(congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of nowhere

about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian with my

best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at the

time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to do

with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

>

> Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

>

> Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

>

> Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

So many of our stories are so similar!

My mother has resented and tried hard to alienate all my friends over the years.

She criticizes and belittles them, says cruel things. Once when I was younger

(in my early 20s) I let something slip in her presence (something a little

critical of a friend, not a big thing). As soon as I was out of sight and

earshot she called my friend and told her how I was " badmouthing " her, etc. etc.

I do believe it is the intense jealousy and fear of abandonment that drives them

to do this.

And as far as CONSTANTLY comparing me to people - I don't even know where to

start. She compares me to cousins, friends, celebrities, etc. and tells me how

inadequate I am and how I have wasted my potential. It's the underhanded

pseudo-compliments that really infuriate me. " You are brilliant and beautiful,

and you have wasted your life. Look at so-and-so, she is not 1/10th of you and

look at the kind of house she lives in, the kind of vacations she takes... " etc.

etc. etc.

Arianna

>

> Hey, Casey,

>

> Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched onto

an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do with her

failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't say, but maybe

it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity comes from really

incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional immaturity, who's to say?

>

> Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I wonder

if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had a baby

(congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out of nowhere

about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a lesbian with my

best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy emotionally at the

time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh. It has nothing to do

with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that the idea came out of

NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she was crying. She had been

thinking about this for three days from what I could tell before addressing me.

Not only did she seem to think (and she couldn't get off this one) that I had

become a lesbian because of some books my friend lent me an additional four

years earlier, but she announced with all the zealous of a martyr that she could

and was going to stop me from seeing my friend.

>

> Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an argument

with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her as if it were

her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

>

> Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her own

hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional immaturity and

bigotry...Who knows?

>

> Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

>

> Elle

>

[Guest guest]

What a strong, tough, brave little girl! Proud of you! Bravo!!!

On Fri, Dec 17, 2010 at 7:34 AM, Arianna wrote:

>

>

> So many of our stories are so similar!

>

> My mother has resented and tried hard to alienate all my friends over the

> years. She criticizes and belittles them, says cruel things. Once when I was

> younger (in my early 20s) I let something slip in her presence (something a

> little critical of a friend, not a big thing). As soon as I was out of sight

> and earshot she called my friend and told her how I was " badmouthing " her,

> etc. etc.

>

> I do believe it is the intense jealousy and fear of abandonment that drives

> them to do this.

>

> And as far as CONSTANTLY comparing me to people - I don't even know where

> to start. She compares me to cousins, friends, celebrities, etc. and tells

> me how inadequate I am and how I have wasted my potential. It's the

> underhanded pseudo-compliments that really infuriate me. " You are brilliant

> and beautiful, and you have wasted your life. Look at so-and-so, she is not

> 1/10th of you and look at the kind of house she lives in, the kind of

> vacations she takes... " etc. etc. etc.

>

> Arianna

>

>

>

> >

> > Hey, Casey,

> >

> > Sorry to hear about this happening to you Yes, they really get latched

> onto an idea they like and won't let it go. But maybe it has something to do

> with her failed marriage? Since I don't know your nada, I obviously can't

> say, but maybe it's worth analyzing somehow. I know a lot of the BP insanity

> comes from really incredible self-hatred. Or maybe just total emotional

> immaturity, who's to say?

> >

> > Agh, this reminds me of something that happened to me in high school. I

> wonder if your mom is jealous of your relationship with your friend who had

> a baby (congratulations to her, by the way!). I pose this idea because out

> of nowhere about six years ago, my nada got it into her head that I was a

> lesbian with my best friend. To be honest, even though I was not healthy

> emotionally at the time, once she suggested this to me, I could only laugh.

> It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm utterly heterosexual, just that

> the idea came out of NOWHERE and she was so incredibly convinced that she

> was crying. She had been thinking about this for three days from what I

> could tell before addressing me. Not only did she seem to think (and she

> couldn't get off this one) that I had become a lesbian because of some books

> my friend lent me an additional four years earlier, but she announced with

> all the zealous of a martyr that she could and was going to stop me from

> seeing my friend.

> >

> > Of course I thought to myself, " Wow, this is NUTS. How do I even approach

> this? " But in hindsight, I see her bigotry, intense fear, and jealousy of my

> closeness to that friend. On various occasions she would say things like, " I

> know you tell her what a bitch I am! " and urge me on whenever I had an

> argument with my friend (which is normal), saying terrible things about her

> as if it were her place and she could incite me to disconnect.

> >

> > Anyway, what it comes down to is me wondering, do you think your nada is

> jealous of your friendship? Or do you think it has something to do with her

> own hatred of how her marriage is/was? Or maybe it's just emotional

> immaturity and bigotry...Who knows?

> >

> > Thanks for posting. It's great to know you're not alone.

> >

> > Elle

> >

>

>

>