Guest guest Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Please don't stop it. I hardly wait to read your letters and I learn so much from it. I wasn't abused as a child ( but I'm not sure of that I have some strange black holes and flashes I don't really know what that is all about and some od my reactions are a lot like with somebody who was) But I know everything about constant battles , lost illusions and lost years after that. I have started to live by my own with 18 and I came out in the " normal " world like I would coming out of war.I was complete mess. And it takes me years to calm down a little bit. I think that children raised in BPD hell has the same problems like war veterans.We went through hell others can not imagine and when you are out in the world you don't know how to behave, what is normal and what is not, other don't understand you you don't understand them, even if it is peacefully you are on constant alert for the next battle, you lost trust, feelings for herself for others....total disaster. It took me years to " collect " all my broken pieces and than years for trying to put them somehow together . And than came the worst part - when you realize how many years you lost because of your damaged childhood.. You find yourself (partly) hole with lost years, lost opportunities, lost partnerships.....totally desperately. But after that ( and after all the phases of depression, anger, self accusation, accusation of others , grieving......) i decided that I had enough of my sick past and to take what I have and leave everything else behind, not allowing ma paste to damage my life more that it already did and try to make my life as good as it can be. To focus myself on good instead on evil. And slowly my life is going into direction of love, kindness, of nice people around me, of me feeling good , secure, calm, accepted.... What your teacher did to you is evil, evil, evil!!!!! And what was happening to you was highly toxic for your child soul and it is almost miracle you survive. But don't let the past to destroy your life more that it has already did. Show it a little finger :-) and focus on yourself on what positive and beautiful you can still get from your life. I'm 100% sure that people who did the ugly things gets what they deserved ( this way or other, sooner or later) even if we or people around us couldn't or didn't stop them. Like a journalist I saw a lot of stories ( and all behind this stories) and I can tell you - things allways cames to the right place) You are so beautiful and intelligent and you absolutely deserved the best in the world. Go and get it :-)) I hope I'm not too much with pointing out my views of reality. Just stop me please if this is a case and if I didn't understand fully what you are telling me and others. Sometimes I'm very scared that because I'm not used to write in other language I write something completely different like I'm meaning to. It is hard sometimes to be subtle with words if you are not use to them....Please correct me if that would be that is case. Yenaine > > > > I forgot to tell you the end......after many years this teacher became a > > mayor! but soon after that he comitted a suicide. My first thougt was that > > one of this girls ( probably they were some more) had confronted him with > > what he did ( and maybe even blackmailed him) But even if that was not so > > the bastard got what he deserved. > > Like I said before , you reminde me of me . 6 years old girl fighting > > against rasist system and stupid , coward people....vau ...you were even > > worst than me..:-))) And yes I think we are such a big figters against the > > abuses or injustice because we know how it looks , how it feels and because > > we see ourselves in other vicimts and we know how badly she or he needs > > support. > > What was happening to you was very bad and evil ( and definitly a crime - > > not just pedhofil abuse - the crime was that people around you didn't do > > what thay had to do to stop it and to protect you) but it is good that you > > fight back. I met a lot of victims of child abuse and a lot of them suffered > > even more if they didn't do anything because later thay blame herself or > > himself for that too. I think thata showing this bastard to go to herll > > helped your sanity. > > Have a nice evening and bid BRAVO!! to you too! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Please don't stop it. I hardly wait to read your letters and I learn so much from it. I wasn't abused as a child ( but I'm not sure of that I have some strange black holes and flashes I don't really know what that is all about and some od my reactions are a lot like with somebody who was) But I know everything about constant battles , lost illusions and lost years after that. I have started to live by my own with 18 and I came out in the " normal " world like I would coming out of war.I was complete mess. And it takes me years to calm down a little bit. I think that children raised in BPD hell has the same problems like war veterans.We went through hell others can not imagine and when you are out in the world you don't know how to behave, what is normal and what is not, other don't understand you you don't understand them, even if it is peacefully you are on constant alert for the next battle, you lost trust, feelings for herself for others....total disaster. It took me years to " collect " all my broken pieces and than years for trying to put them somehow together . And than came the worst part - when you realize how many years you lost because of your damaged childhood.. You find yourself (partly) hole with lost years, lost opportunities, lost partnerships.....totally desperately. But after that ( and after all the phases of depression, anger, self accusation, accusation of others , grieving......) i decided that I had enough of my sick past and to take what I have and leave everything else behind, not allowing ma paste to damage my life more that it already did and try to make my life as good as it can be. To focus myself on good instead on evil. And slowly my life is going into direction of love, kindness, of nice people around me, of me feeling good , secure, calm, accepted.... What your teacher did to you is evil, evil, evil!!!!! And what was happening to you was highly toxic for your child soul and it is almost miracle you survive. But don't let the past to destroy your life more that it has already did. Show it a little finger :-) and focus on yourself on what positive and beautiful you can still get from your life. I'm 100% sure that people who did the ugly things gets what they deserved ( this way or other, sooner or later) even if we or people around us couldn't or didn't stop them. Like a journalist I saw a lot of stories ( and all behind this stories) and I can tell you - things allways cames to the right place) You are so beautiful and intelligent and you absolutely deserved the best in the world. Go and get it :-)) I hope I'm not too much with pointing out my views of reality. Just stop me please if this is a case and if I didn't understand fully what you are telling me and others. Sometimes I'm very scared that because I'm not used to write in other language I write something completely different like I'm meaning to. It is hard sometimes to be subtle with words if you are not use to them....Please correct me if that would be that is case. Yenaine > > > > I forgot to tell you the end......after many years this teacher became a > > mayor! but soon after that he comitted a suicide. My first thougt was that > > one of this girls ( probably they were some more) had confronted him with > > what he did ( and maybe even blackmailed him) But even if that was not so > > the bastard got what he deserved. > > Like I said before , you reminde me of me . 6 years old girl fighting > > against rasist system and stupid , coward people....vau ...you were even > > worst than me..:-))) And yes I think we are such a big figters against the > > abuses or injustice because we know how it looks , how it feels and because > > we see ourselves in other vicimts and we know how badly she or he needs > > support. > > What was happening to you was very bad and evil ( and definitly a crime - > > not just pedhofil abuse - the crime was that people around you didn't do > > what thay had to do to stop it and to protect you) but it is good that you > > fight back. I met a lot of victims of child abuse and a lot of them suffered > > even more if they didn't do anything because later thay blame herself or > > himself for that too. I think thata showing this bastard to go to herll > > helped your sanity. > > Have a nice evening and bid BRAVO!! to you too! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 Please don't stop it. I hardly wait to read your letters and I learn so much from it. I wasn't abused as a child ( but I'm not sure of that I have some strange black holes and flashes I don't really know what that is all about and some od my reactions are a lot like with somebody who was) But I know everything about constant battles , lost illusions and lost years after that. I have started to live by my own with 18 and I came out in the " normal " world like I would coming out of war.I was complete mess. And it takes me years to calm down a little bit. I think that children raised in BPD hell has the same problems like war veterans.We went through hell others can not imagine and when you are out in the world you don't know how to behave, what is normal and what is not, other don't understand you you don't understand them, even if it is peacefully you are on constant alert for the next battle, you lost trust, feelings for herself for others....total disaster. It took me years to " collect " all my broken pieces and than years for trying to put them somehow together . And than came the worst part - when you realize how many years you lost because of your damaged childhood.. You find yourself (partly) hole with lost years, lost opportunities, lost partnerships.....totally desperately. But after that ( and after all the phases of depression, anger, self accusation, accusation of others , grieving......) i decided that I had enough of my sick past and to take what I have and leave everything else behind, not allowing ma paste to damage my life more that it already did and try to make my life as good as it can be. To focus myself on good instead on evil. And slowly my life is going into direction of love, kindness, of nice people around me, of me feeling good , secure, calm, accepted.... What your teacher did to you is evil, evil, evil!!!!! And what was happening to you was highly toxic for your child soul and it is almost miracle you survive. But don't let the past to destroy your life more that it has already did. Show it a little finger :-) and focus on yourself on what positive and beautiful you can still get from your life. I'm 100% sure that people who did the ugly things gets what they deserved ( this way or other, sooner or later) even if we or people around us couldn't or didn't stop them. Like a journalist I saw a lot of stories ( and all behind this stories) and I can tell you - things allways cames to the right place) You are so beautiful and intelligent and you absolutely deserved the best in the world. Go and get it :-)) I hope I'm not too much with pointing out my views of reality. Just stop me please if this is a case and if I didn't understand fully what you are telling me and others. Sometimes I'm very scared that because I'm not used to write in other language I write something completely different like I'm meaning to. It is hard sometimes to be subtle with words if you are not use to them....Please correct me if that would be that is case. Yenaine > > > > I forgot to tell you the end......after many years this teacher became a > > mayor! but soon after that he comitted a suicide. My first thougt was that > > one of this girls ( probably they were some more) had confronted him with > > what he did ( and maybe even blackmailed him) But even if that was not so > > the bastard got what he deserved. > > Like I said before , you reminde me of me . 6 years old girl fighting > > against rasist system and stupid , coward people....vau ...you were even > > worst than me..:-))) And yes I think we are such a big figters against the > > abuses or injustice because we know how it looks , how it feels and because > > we see ourselves in other vicimts and we know how badly she or he needs > > support. > > What was happening to you was very bad and evil ( and definitly a crime - > > not just pedhofil abuse - the crime was that people around you didn't do > > what thay had to do to stop it and to protect you) but it is good that you > > fight back. I met a lot of victims of child abuse and a lot of them suffered > > even more if they didn't do anything because later thay blame herself or > > himself for that too. I think thata showing this bastard to go to herll > > helped your sanity. > > Have a nice evening and bid BRAVO!! to you too! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 No,it's ok Yenaine,I really appreciate your candor You haven't said anything at all that is too much--in fact,I admire your ability to express your thoughts so well in what is a foreign language to you.I know how that is,I've had to learn four different languages and I can only express myself ok in two of them I can very much relate to how you lived after leaving home.It was like that for me too.It really is like coming out of a war zone and being like a veteran with all the flashbacks,mistrust,jittery nervousness...and a dark view of existance.It's taken me years too to " collect all my broken pieces " and try to put myself back together. I think I'm at the point right now of fully seeing all that I have lost.It's like I've come out of this zombie state or my own personal nuclear winter and I need to rebuild the landscape...This past year I dropped all of the last dysfunctional relationships that I had in my life and at times I see my own life as it has been flashing before me like they say happens when you die.I know that I'm dying to the old order (disorder really) of what my life was and I think that the next phase of my life is going to be much more of what I consciously desire it to be.I've gone through all those stages of grief you mentioned.Acceptance isn't what I had imagined it would be--I thought it would feel more like an exciting liberation but for me it's more like simply noticing that,hey,I can actually think *clearly*.The trauma doesn't have me by the throat anymore and I'm finding my voice finally.But I know it's going to take time still to find my way through all of this. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words I also want to invite what is healthy and good into my life and to leave behind what was evil.I am super super sensitive and have always have been; at times it takes me a while to sort through my pain but it's nowhere near as intense as it used to be when I'd feel just bludgeoned by existential despair.It's more like a dull ache now.I am still digesting the negative (there's alot to digest) but I think that's ok as long as it doesn't prevent me from also still seeing the positive.Right now I feel like I am at Year Zero.As far as I'm concerned,it clocks *up* from there Ultimately,I do think it's true that things always come to the right place,somehow. You are beautiful and intelligent and you also deserve the best in the world--I can see from your posts that you're going out there and getting it and this is so good because I know you've suffered and really suffering is NOT what being alive is all about.We were born to *live*...My next project for myself is to get to that part Thank you again for your supportive words and your honesty.You're a special person,Yenaine,and I hope that the new year brings you much joy and much peace. Cheers! > > Please don't stop it. I hardly wait to read your letters and I learn so much from it. I wasn't abused as a child ( but I'm not sure of that I have some strange black holes and flashes I don't really know what that is all about and some od my reactions are a lot like with somebody who was) But I know everything about constant battles , lost illusions and lost years after that. I have started to live by my own with 18 and I came out in the " normal " world like I would coming out of war.I was complete mess. And it takes me years to calm down a little bit. I think that children raised in BPD hell has the same problems like war veterans.We went through hell others can not imagine and when you are out in the world you don't know how to behave, what is normal and what is not, other don't understand you you don't understand them, even if it is peacefully you are on constant alert for the next battle, you lost trust, feelings for herself for others....total disaster. It took me years to " collect " all my broken pieces and than years for trying to put them somehow together . And than came the worst part - when you realize how many years you lost because of your damaged childhood.. You find yourself (partly) hole with lost years, lost opportunities, lost partnerships.....totally desperately. > > But after that ( and after all the phases of depression, anger, self accusation, accusation of others , grieving......) i decided that I had enough of my sick past and to take what I have and leave everything else behind, not allowing ma paste to damage my life more that it already did and try to make my life as good as it can be. To focus myself on good instead on evil. And slowly my life is going into direction of love, kindness, of nice people around me, of me feeling good , secure, calm, accepted.... > > What your teacher did to you is evil, evil, evil!!!!! And what was happening to you was highly toxic for your child soul and it is almost miracle you survive. But don't let the past to destroy your life more that it has already did. Show it a little finger :-) and focus on yourself on what positive and beautiful you can still get from your life. I'm 100% sure that people who did the ugly things gets what they deserved ( this way or other, sooner or later) even if we or people around us couldn't or didn't stop them. Like a journalist I saw a lot of stories ( and all behind this stories) and I can tell you - things allways cames to the right place) > > You are so beautiful and intelligent and you absolutely deserved the best in the world. Go and get it :-)) > > I hope I'm not too much with pointing out my views of reality. Just stop me please if this is a case and if I didn't understand fully what you are telling me and others. Sometimes I'm very scared that because I'm not used to write in other language I write something completely different like I'm meaning to. It is hard sometimes to be subtle with words if you are not use to them....Please correct me if that would be that is case. > Yenaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 No,it's ok Yenaine,I really appreciate your candor You haven't said anything at all that is too much--in fact,I admire your ability to express your thoughts so well in what is a foreign language to you.I know how that is,I've had to learn four different languages and I can only express myself ok in two of them I can very much relate to how you lived after leaving home.It was like that for me too.It really is like coming out of a war zone and being like a veteran with all the flashbacks,mistrust,jittery nervousness...and a dark view of existance.It's taken me years too to " collect all my broken pieces " and try to put myself back together. I think I'm at the point right now of fully seeing all that I have lost.It's like I've come out of this zombie state or my own personal nuclear winter and I need to rebuild the landscape...This past year I dropped all of the last dysfunctional relationships that I had in my life and at times I see my own life as it has been flashing before me like they say happens when you die.I know that I'm dying to the old order (disorder really) of what my life was and I think that the next phase of my life is going to be much more of what I consciously desire it to be.I've gone through all those stages of grief you mentioned.Acceptance isn't what I had imagined it would be--I thought it would feel more like an exciting liberation but for me it's more like simply noticing that,hey,I can actually think *clearly*.The trauma doesn't have me by the throat anymore and I'm finding my voice finally.But I know it's going to take time still to find my way through all of this. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words I also want to invite what is healthy and good into my life and to leave behind what was evil.I am super super sensitive and have always have been; at times it takes me a while to sort through my pain but it's nowhere near as intense as it used to be when I'd feel just bludgeoned by existential despair.It's more like a dull ache now.I am still digesting the negative (there's alot to digest) but I think that's ok as long as it doesn't prevent me from also still seeing the positive.Right now I feel like I am at Year Zero.As far as I'm concerned,it clocks *up* from there Ultimately,I do think it's true that things always come to the right place,somehow. You are beautiful and intelligent and you also deserve the best in the world--I can see from your posts that you're going out there and getting it and this is so good because I know you've suffered and really suffering is NOT what being alive is all about.We were born to *live*...My next project for myself is to get to that part Thank you again for your supportive words and your honesty.You're a special person,Yenaine,and I hope that the new year brings you much joy and much peace. Cheers! > > Please don't stop it. I hardly wait to read your letters and I learn so much from it. I wasn't abused as a child ( but I'm not sure of that I have some strange black holes and flashes I don't really know what that is all about and some od my reactions are a lot like with somebody who was) But I know everything about constant battles , lost illusions and lost years after that. I have started to live by my own with 18 and I came out in the " normal " world like I would coming out of war.I was complete mess. And it takes me years to calm down a little bit. I think that children raised in BPD hell has the same problems like war veterans.We went through hell others can not imagine and when you are out in the world you don't know how to behave, what is normal and what is not, other don't understand you you don't understand them, even if it is peacefully you are on constant alert for the next battle, you lost trust, feelings for herself for others....total disaster. It took me years to " collect " all my broken pieces and than years for trying to put them somehow together . And than came the worst part - when you realize how many years you lost because of your damaged childhood.. You find yourself (partly) hole with lost years, lost opportunities, lost partnerships.....totally desperately. > > But after that ( and after all the phases of depression, anger, self accusation, accusation of others , grieving......) i decided that I had enough of my sick past and to take what I have and leave everything else behind, not allowing ma paste to damage my life more that it already did and try to make my life as good as it can be. To focus myself on good instead on evil. And slowly my life is going into direction of love, kindness, of nice people around me, of me feeling good , secure, calm, accepted.... > > What your teacher did to you is evil, evil, evil!!!!! And what was happening to you was highly toxic for your child soul and it is almost miracle you survive. But don't let the past to destroy your life more that it has already did. Show it a little finger :-) and focus on yourself on what positive and beautiful you can still get from your life. I'm 100% sure that people who did the ugly things gets what they deserved ( this way or other, sooner or later) even if we or people around us couldn't or didn't stop them. Like a journalist I saw a lot of stories ( and all behind this stories) and I can tell you - things allways cames to the right place) > > You are so beautiful and intelligent and you absolutely deserved the best in the world. Go and get it :-)) > > I hope I'm not too much with pointing out my views of reality. Just stop me please if this is a case and if I didn't understand fully what you are telling me and others. Sometimes I'm very scared that because I'm not used to write in other language I write something completely different like I'm meaning to. It is hard sometimes to be subtle with words if you are not use to them....Please correct me if that would be that is case. > Yenaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 20, 2010 Report Share Posted December 20, 2010 No,it's ok Yenaine,I really appreciate your candor You haven't said anything at all that is too much--in fact,I admire your ability to express your thoughts so well in what is a foreign language to you.I know how that is,I've had to learn four different languages and I can only express myself ok in two of them I can very much relate to how you lived after leaving home.It was like that for me too.It really is like coming out of a war zone and being like a veteran with all the flashbacks,mistrust,jittery nervousness...and a dark view of existance.It's taken me years too to " collect all my broken pieces " and try to put myself back together. I think I'm at the point right now of fully seeing all that I have lost.It's like I've come out of this zombie state or my own personal nuclear winter and I need to rebuild the landscape...This past year I dropped all of the last dysfunctional relationships that I had in my life and at times I see my own life as it has been flashing before me like they say happens when you die.I know that I'm dying to the old order (disorder really) of what my life was and I think that the next phase of my life is going to be much more of what I consciously desire it to be.I've gone through all those stages of grief you mentioned.Acceptance isn't what I had imagined it would be--I thought it would feel more like an exciting liberation but for me it's more like simply noticing that,hey,I can actually think *clearly*.The trauma doesn't have me by the throat anymore and I'm finding my voice finally.But I know it's going to take time still to find my way through all of this. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words I also want to invite what is healthy and good into my life and to leave behind what was evil.I am super super sensitive and have always have been; at times it takes me a while to sort through my pain but it's nowhere near as intense as it used to be when I'd feel just bludgeoned by existential despair.It's more like a dull ache now.I am still digesting the negative (there's alot to digest) but I think that's ok as long as it doesn't prevent me from also still seeing the positive.Right now I feel like I am at Year Zero.As far as I'm concerned,it clocks *up* from there Ultimately,I do think it's true that things always come to the right place,somehow. You are beautiful and intelligent and you also deserve the best in the world--I can see from your posts that you're going out there and getting it and this is so good because I know you've suffered and really suffering is NOT what being alive is all about.We were born to *live*...My next project for myself is to get to that part Thank you again for your supportive words and your honesty.You're a special person,Yenaine,and I hope that the new year brings you much joy and much peace. Cheers! > > Please don't stop it. I hardly wait to read your letters and I learn so much from it. I wasn't abused as a child ( but I'm not sure of that I have some strange black holes and flashes I don't really know what that is all about and some od my reactions are a lot like with somebody who was) But I know everything about constant battles , lost illusions and lost years after that. I have started to live by my own with 18 and I came out in the " normal " world like I would coming out of war.I was complete mess. And it takes me years to calm down a little bit. I think that children raised in BPD hell has the same problems like war veterans.We went through hell others can not imagine and when you are out in the world you don't know how to behave, what is normal and what is not, other don't understand you you don't understand them, even if it is peacefully you are on constant alert for the next battle, you lost trust, feelings for herself for others....total disaster. It took me years to " collect " all my broken pieces and than years for trying to put them somehow together . And than came the worst part - when you realize how many years you lost because of your damaged childhood.. You find yourself (partly) hole with lost years, lost opportunities, lost partnerships.....totally desperately. > > But after that ( and after all the phases of depression, anger, self accusation, accusation of others , grieving......) i decided that I had enough of my sick past and to take what I have and leave everything else behind, not allowing ma paste to damage my life more that it already did and try to make my life as good as it can be. To focus myself on good instead on evil. And slowly my life is going into direction of love, kindness, of nice people around me, of me feeling good , secure, calm, accepted.... > > What your teacher did to you is evil, evil, evil!!!!! And what was happening to you was highly toxic for your child soul and it is almost miracle you survive. But don't let the past to destroy your life more that it has already did. Show it a little finger :-) and focus on yourself on what positive and beautiful you can still get from your life. I'm 100% sure that people who did the ugly things gets what they deserved ( this way or other, sooner or later) even if we or people around us couldn't or didn't stop them. Like a journalist I saw a lot of stories ( and all behind this stories) and I can tell you - things allways cames to the right place) > > You are so beautiful and intelligent and you absolutely deserved the best in the world. Go and get it :-)) > > I hope I'm not too much with pointing out my views of reality. Just stop me please if this is a case and if I didn't understand fully what you are telling me and others. Sometimes I'm very scared that because I'm not used to write in other language I write something completely different like I'm meaning to. It is hard sometimes to be subtle with words if you are not use to them....Please correct me if that would be that is case. > Yenaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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