Re: Preparing for the Holidays - Top Tips

[Guest guest]

(added to the list below)

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 7, 2010 9:02:27 PM

Subject: Preparing for the Holidays - Top Tips

Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the holidays.

Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to it. [insert

smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP TIPS for dealing

with these jolly festivities?

I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not practical

for many, but someone had to say it!)

2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

3. Pretend you didn't hear snide remarks made by BPD people with the intention

to stir up drama (works for me, maybe not the " textbook " solution).

[Guest guest]

1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not practical

for many, but someone had to say it!)

2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

3. Pretend you didn't hear snide remarks made by BPD people with the intention

to stir up drama (works for me, maybe not the " textbook " solution).

#4. Be a duck and let everything and anything mom says roll off your back.

Preparing for the Holidays - Top Tips

Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the holidays.

Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to it. [insert

smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP TIPS for dealing

with these jolly festivities?

I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not practical

for many, but someone had to say it!)

2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

3. Pretend you didn't hear snide remarks made by BPD people with the intention

to stir up drama (works for me, maybe not the " textbook " solution).

[Guest guest]

1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not practical

for many, but someone had to say it!)

2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

3. Pretend you didn't hear snide remarks made by BPD people with the intention

to stir up drama (works for me, maybe not the " textbook " solution).

#4. Be a duck and let everything and anything mom says roll off your back.

Preparing for the Holidays - Top Tips

Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the holidays.

Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to it. [insert

smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP TIPS for dealing

with these jolly festivities?

I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not practical

for many, but someone had to say it!)

2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

3. Pretend you didn't hear snide remarks made by BPD people with the intention

to stir up drama (works for me, maybe not the " textbook " solution).

[Guest guest]

Oh this is a fun post!!

OK, let's see, my top 2:

1) Invite buffers. I LLLLLLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE buffer friends, those people

you can go to when you've had enough of FOO. I did this at Thanksgiving and am

so happy I did. They were fantastic buffers, very cheery, social people.

2) set a time limit, if possible. I'm shooting for 3-4 hours, if that. Seeing

that amt of time in writing makes me anxious; I'll try not to think about it!

>

> Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the holidays.

Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to it. [insert

smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP TIPS for dealing

with these jolly festivities?

>

> I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

> 1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not

practical for many, but someone had to say it!)

> 2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh this is a fun post!!

OK, let's see, my top 2:

1) Invite buffers. I LLLLLLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE buffer friends, those people

you can go to when you've had enough of FOO. I did this at Thanksgiving and am

so happy I did. They were fantastic buffers, very cheery, social people.

2) set a time limit, if possible. I'm shooting for 3-4 hours, if that. Seeing

that amt of time in writing makes me anxious; I'll try not to think about it!

>

> Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the holidays.

Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to it. [insert

smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP TIPS for dealing

with these jolly festivities?

>

> I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

> 1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not

practical for many, but someone had to say it!)

> 2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your pocket.

>

[Guest guest]

My list:

1. Don t have expectations. Take what comes, and don t be disappointed

if it is not The Donna Show. Your family is broken, be content

with what you CAN enjoy.

2. You don t have to meet anyone s standards but your own.

3. Develop selective deafness. Don t hear those remarks designed to be

barbs. Ignore them and continue the conversation as if the speaker had

not opened their mouth. You know, just like nada does to you.

4. Determine this: I WILL have a good time. Any of you who wish to

wallow in misery, the toilet is down the hall. Take that bullshit in

there, and don t forget to wipe. You will NOT make me miserable. I no

longer give you that power.

5. To all my flying monkey FOOS, and nada, fada, and all the sick

freaks that inhabit my family, now say this with a smile, get off my

fucking back. Then smile and walk to the eggnog and leave them with

their mouths gaping.

6. Stay sober. At least till you leave.

Doug

>

> Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the

holidays. Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward

to it. [insert smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our

TOP TIPS for dealing with these jolly festivities?

>

> I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

> 1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not

practical for many, but someone had to say it!)

> 2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your

pocket.

>

[Guest guest]

I don't go. Haven't in years and years. But, I get sad and feel like (as my

dad said the very last time I talked to him, which I believe is 2 years ago

now) " You are ruining Chwistmas. "

So here is what I do:

1) Buy my true family as many presents as I can. If I am short on money I

make them myself or trade for them. I've done a lot of trade with my friends

this yearr, because I taught a class for artists, and accepted payment in

trade. Most of the trade is going to my honey bun's christmas stocking.

2) Focus on making someone else's xmas merry - like doing a gift for a

homeless pet or a child in need. Actually. thinking about that, maybe I will

take my students at the after school program Christmas treats. My dogs and I

just got done doing a care package for a homeless pet for Thanksgiving.

3) Plan a party with my true best friends. This year we will be making an

imaginitive, silly and half assed gingerbread house on Boxing Day with

another couple who are our real best friends. (one of our friends is

Brittish and he loves Boxing Day). This will be our real Xmas celebration.

4) Structure my time off for the holidays and set goals (this year its my

grad school applications, making something creative for my boyfriend and

planning my January kids class). Having a goal helps keep the depression

away. Another option would be to work a lot over the holiday, but I always

have vacation to use up and things are slow and dull at the office.

5) Be very very selfish with your holiday, celebrate for yourself and your

true family and no one else. Screw tradition, screw what matters to others.

Be selfish with your time and your celebration and only do what you enjoy.

If you want to read a book all day, DO IT!

6) This might sound dumb, but I alway do something my dogs will enjoy on

xmas. I take my little boy, (well he's big now) Cowboy, to the dog park to

play ball. He LOVES It. Scout gets tons of presents, which she LOVES. And

boyfriend's dog gets an ass scratch, which is all he really wants in life

anyway. They also get groomed for Christmas, one of my gifts to my boyfriend

is to get his dog a spa treatment.

>

>

> inOh this is a fun post!!

>

> OK, let's see, my top 2:

> 1) Invite buffers. I LLLLLLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE buffer friends, those

> people you can go to when you've had enough of FOO. I did this at

> Thanksgiving and am so happy I did. They were fantastic buffers, very

> cheery, social people.

>

> 2) set a time limit, if possible. I'm shooting for 3-4 hours, if that.

> Seeing that amt of time in writing makes me anxious; I'll try not to think

> about it!

>

>

>

> >

> > Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the

> holidays. Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to

> it. [insert smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP

> TIPS for dealing with these jolly festivities?

> >

> > I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

> > 1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not

> practical for many, but someone had to say it!)

> > 2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your

> pocket.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I lost track of the numbers, but:

Be completely autonomous:

If you are traveling to visit foo on their territory and if for whatever reason

have to remain there overnight/several days, do not stay at their home. Instead,

stay at a hotel/motel, even if your parents have a guest room for you. Provide

your own transportation, do not get " picked up " or " delivered " to the train

station, airport, etc. Having your own " home " to escape to and having your own

means of transportation gives you " adult status " and the adult power to simply

leave if the n-parent should suddenly implode/the visit goes horribly wrong.

Lie if you have to:

Where mentally ill parents are concerned, do not hesitate to lie to spare their

feelings and avoid conflict. If you're willing to visit them at all, then

what's the point of stirring up drama? Any reason they will buy is good enough

to give them to cut your visit as short as possible. Just be an adult, be firm

and assertive, stay as long as you can tolerate it without heavy sedation, and

then leave. Honesty is not the best policy in this case: " I have to leave now

because being around you is making me physically ill. "

-Annie

PS: I also highly recommend earlier suggestions to bring at least one adult

buffer: spouse, SO, friend, and never let your pd parent(s) get you alone.

> >

> > Ok, so lots of posts on here about spending time with FOO for the holidays.

Surprise, surprise, no one I've read is really looking forward to it. [insert

smirk here] Sooo, why don't we all share, succinctly, our TOP TIPS for dealing

with these jolly festivities?

> >

> > I'll begin and get the most obvious one out of the way:

> > 1. Don't goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I know, not

practical for many, but someone had to say it!)

> > 2. Have your own transportation, or a cell phone and cab fare in your

pocket.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This always seemed to happen to me, so look thou out!

If things go swimmingly during your holiday visit with the FOO and you leave

marveling at how well it all went...be careful. Two or three days after a good

visit with nada, grandparents, etc., just when I was feeling guilty for thinking

how bad they were and how I didn't want to go, I'd hear from nada. She'd always

try to stir up trouble by telling me something mean grandma had said to her,

trying to get me on her side, or one year there was my favorite: " So-and-so

complained to me on the phone yesterday how much weight you've put on. I stood

up for you and defended you, and I don't know why they complain to me anyway.

It's not my fault and I can't do anything about it, and it's like they think I'm

a bad mother because my kids got fat, blah, blah, blah... "

I don't need to tell you about the row that blew up when I, being sensitive

about my weight problem anyway, blew up at my grandparents for having said that,

and then at nada for using it to say what she didn't WANT to say herself.

The moral of the story: When the crap starts after the holiday, hold your

tongue, and don't buy in!!

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

This always seemed to happen to me, so look thou out!

If things go swimmingly during your holiday visit with the FOO and you leave

marveling at how well it all went...be careful. Two or three days after a good

visit with nada, grandparents, etc., just when I was feeling guilty for thinking

how bad they were and how I didn't want to go, I'd hear from nada. She'd always

try to stir up trouble by telling me something mean grandma had said to her,

trying to get me on her side, or one year there was my favorite: " So-and-so

complained to me on the phone yesterday how much weight you've put on. I stood

up for you and defended you, and I don't know why they complain to me anyway.

It's not my fault and I can't do anything about it, and it's like they think I'm

a bad mother because my kids got fat, blah, blah, blah... "

I don't need to tell you about the row that blew up when I, being sensitive

about my weight problem anyway, blew up at my grandparents for having said that,

and then at nada for using it to say what she didn't WANT to say herself.

The moral of the story: When the crap starts after the holiday, hold your

tongue, and don't buy in!!

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

[Guest guest]

This always seemed to happen to me, so look thou out!

If things go swimmingly during your holiday visit with the FOO and you leave

marveling at how well it all went...be careful. Two or three days after a good

visit with nada, grandparents, etc., just when I was feeling guilty for thinking

how bad they were and how I didn't want to go, I'd hear from nada. She'd always

try to stir up trouble by telling me something mean grandma had said to her,

trying to get me on her side, or one year there was my favorite: " So-and-so

complained to me on the phone yesterday how much weight you've put on. I stood

up for you and defended you, and I don't know why they complain to me anyway.

It's not my fault and I can't do anything about it, and it's like they think I'm

a bad mother because my kids got fat, blah, blah, blah... "

I don't need to tell you about the row that blew up when I, being sensitive

about my weight problem anyway, blew up at my grandparents for having said that,

and then at nada for using it to say what she didn't WANT to say herself.

The moral of the story: When the crap starts after the holiday, hold your

tongue, and don't buy in!!

--.

*this post has been trimmed*