Introduction

[Guest guest]

Hi! I apologize in advance for what will be a long post. I'm going to talk about

my weight and background by means of introduction. If you have an ED and find

this sort of thing triggering please skip it. No offense will be taken!

I grew up in a lower-middle class family. My stepfather was a terrible person

and used control over food as a means of punishment and abuse. If I didn't

finish my veggies I was beaten or grounded. Most of my summers as a kid were

spent locked in my room due to not finishing a single meal. I had to eat what he

served up at meal times, no more and no less. I was malnourished, tiny, and

hungry most of the time. I lied to the teachers and other adults who asked if

" everything was ok at home " and told them I was just naturally skinny. I didn't

want my stepfather to find out I said something and beat me.

Fast forward to the age of 25. My thyroid went south and this tiny little thing

went from 100 to 150 lbs. I'm 5'4 " on a good day and very small boned. I

straightened out the thyroid but had trouble losing the weight. I had never

dieted before and was a complete couch potato. At a doctor's suggestion I

started the Atkin's diet, lost most of the weight, and started exercising.

Fast forward again to the age of 33. I was exercising very regularly and keeping

myself fit and healthy. If the weight started sneaking up I'd calorie count or

exercise more. But it wasn't fun. Eating was frustrating and exercise was

becoming a chore.

Then the thyroid went south again and I returned to college for a second degree.

I'm almost at my heaviest now. I knew something had to give when I tried

starting a running program again, injured myself on the second day out, and have

been completely sedentary with a knee injury for 6 months. I'm 35 and trying to

learn how to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. After years of therapy

I still find vegetables repulsive. I can't bear the thought of low-carb dieting

again. I love to cook and eat. I just want to be comfortable so I can hop on a

bike or go for an occassional jog. I don't know that I'd be characterized as a

binge eater, but I've definitely got issues with food, especially the foods I

was denied as a child. Portion control is a problem; probably also due to

childhood deprivation.

I just finished chapter 11 of Intuitive Eating. I've been allowing myself to eat

unabashedly for a month or so. I think I'm ready to start working with the

hunger scale and listen to my body. It's scary, though. What if my childhood

left my signals completely broken? Will I spend the next 10 years eating pizza

every day? Can I get to a point where I don't go to bed bloated and sickly full

every night? Am I the only one who fantasizes about living in a country where I

can't pig out all of the time? I'm tired of the first-world guilt.

I'm here for reassurance. I need to know that there's hope for food sanity

someday.

Thanks for reading my long-winded post. I hope I can contribute and find solace

here.