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Re: Waiting for the other shoe...

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Maggie,

What you talk about sounds very familiar to me. I think that not

trusting her is appropriate. She has a mental illness that is

not going to go away and it will always cause her to be

untrustworthy. My nada has been behaving much better for the

past several years, since I made it clear that I was no longer

going to allow her to misbehave around me. I still don't trust

her though. I know that the least little thing could set her off

and make her do all sorts of nasty things to me. The fact that

it hasn't happened lately doesn't mean it won't happen tomorrow.

Every time she calls I wonder what kind of drama she's creating

now and how much trouble it is going to cause for me.

I think you should weigh the advantages and disadvantages of

continuing to have contact with her. If the disadvantages

outweigh the advantages, then reduce or eliminate the contact

you have with her. You say she hasn't done anything to warrant

cutting her off, yet at the same time you talk about how your

relationship with her is exhausting and stressful and that it is

giving you nightmares. Think about that. Is that not a reason to

cut her off?

I stay in contact with my nada because there's simply no way I

can hide from her and as long as I can't hide, keeping control

of our contact results in less stress for me. If not having

contact would result in less stress for you, go for it without

the need to feel guilty. You gave her 24 years worth of chances

and then came back and gave her a few more. If you're going to

become a parent, your top priorities have to be taking care of

yourself, your spouse and your children. If you're living in

fear of what she's going to do, that's not taking good care of

yourself.

At 09:26 PM 11/22/2010 Maggie wrote:

>Five years ago, I cut off all contact with my mother, following

>24 years of her erratic swings between obsessive/emotionally

>abusive behavior. The straw that broke my back: A series of

>majorly abusive meltdowns over the course of two years brought

>on by my impending wedding and exacerbated by my grandmother's

>death.

>

>About two years ago, after a lot of therapy for me, I started

>speaking to my mother again. Partially, I wanted to be able to

>have a relationship with my other family members that didn't

>involve sneaking into and out of my hometown when I knew my mom

>wouldn't be there. Partially, I felt the need to prove to

>myself (and my husband) that I could stand up to my mother and

>deal with her while drawing boundaries to protect myself and my

>family.

>

>For the most part, this has worked out pretty well. I set

>boundaries at the outset, and I've stuck to them. For a while,

>she mostly refrained from pushing the boundaries and responded

>well when I called her on it.

>

>But here's the thing, though: I'm not happy. I'm not really

>enjoying having her back in my life. Some of it is that she's

>started pushing my lines a little more frequently. But largely,

>it's that I don't trust her, and I don't know that I ever can.

>I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to

>drop...for circumstances to hit the perfect storm of emotional

>stress that makes her fly off the deep end again. She's done

>this off and on throughout my entire life, mostly to other

>people, but more and more often to me, too. I know it's only a

>matter of time. Meanwhile, I can tell in every interaction we

>have that she's desperate to feel like she and I are best

>friends with no boundaries and nothing but love. And it's

>stressful and EXHAUSTING to navigate that behavior.

>

>Worse, there are a couple of potential triggers on the horizon.

>My grandpa is pretty clearly going downhill. He'll probably die

>in a year or two. And my husband and I are ready to have a

>child and are planning on going off birth control in the next

>few months. Either of these things (or, horrors, both at the

>same time) are very likely to bring my mother's abandonment

>issues and need for validation to the forefront. I feel like

>I'm sitting under a storm cloud that's getting darker and

>darker. I have dreams now, on a regular basis, where she shows

>up and attacks me, or tries to manipulate me, or just adds to

>the stress of an already stressful situation.

>

>I don't know what to do. She's not really done anything to

>warrant cutting her off again. But having her in my life ... it

>just feels like long periods of peace punctuated by the

>stressful, draining moments when she calls, or writes, or I

>have to visit her in person. I feel awful. Like I'm not giving

>her a chance. But I don't really think that attitude is fair to

>myself, either, given her track record. But, then again, I feel

>like I'm just sitting here, waiting for her to go nuts again.

>

>Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

>Mostly, I just wanted to vent.

>Thank you for listening.

--

Katrina

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[i feel like I'm just sitting here, waiting for her to go nuts again. Has anyone

else had this kind of experience?]

Maggie, not trying to be funny, but I feel like I go through this daily. I'm

NOT looking forward to Thursday.

I also love it when she and I are nc. Then when she's back in my life, as you

said, it feels like I'm just waiting for her to lose it again.

>

> Five years ago, I cut off all contact with my mother, following 24 years of

her erratic swings between obsessive/emotionally abusive behavior. The straw

that broke my back: A series of majorly abusive meltdowns over the course of two

years brought on by my impending wedding and exacerbated by my grandmother's

death.

>

> About two years ago, after a lot of therapy for me, I started speaking to my

mother again. Partially, I wanted to be able to have a relationship with my

other family members that didn't involve sneaking into and out of my hometown

when I knew my mom wouldn't be there. Partially, I felt the need to prove to

myself (and my husband) that I could stand up to my mother and deal with her

while drawing boundaries to protect myself and my family.

>

> For the most part, this has worked out pretty well. I set boundaries at the

outset, and I've stuck to them. For a while, she mostly refrained from pushing

the boundaries and responded well when I called her on it.

>

> But here's the thing, though: I'm not happy. I'm not really enjoying having

her back in my life. Some of it is that she's started pushing my lines a little

more frequently. But largely, it's that I don't trust her, and I don't know that

I ever can. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop...for

circumstances to hit the perfect storm of emotional stress that makes her fly

off the deep end again. She's done this off and on throughout my entire life,

mostly to other people, but more and more often to me, too. I know it's only a

matter of time. Meanwhile, I can tell in every interaction we have that she's

desperate to feel like she and I are best friends with no boundaries and nothing

but love. And it's stressful and EXHAUSTING to navigate that behavior.

>

> Worse, there are a couple of potential triggers on the horizon. My grandpa is

pretty clearly going downhill. He'll probably die in a year or two. And my

husband and I are ready to have a child and are planning on going off birth

control in the next few months. Either of these things (or, horrors, both at the

same time) are very likely to bring my mother's abandonment issues and need for

validation to the forefront. I feel like I'm sitting under a storm cloud that's

getting darker and darker. I have dreams now, on a regular basis, where she

shows up and attacks me, or tries to manipulate me, or just adds to the stress

of an already stressful situation.

>

> I don't know what to do. She's not really done anything to warrant cutting her

off again. But having her in my life ... it just feels like long periods of

peace punctuated by the stressful, draining moments when she calls, or writes,

or I have to visit her in person. I feel awful. Like I'm not giving her a

chance. But I don't really think that attitude is fair to myself, either, given

her track record. But, then again, I feel like I'm just sitting here, waiting

for her to go nuts again.

>

> Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

> Mostly, I just wanted to vent.

> Thank you for listening.

>

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Just wanted to add...last week when deciding with the therapist that had been

meeting with nada and I she pointed out a HUGE observation...

When I speak of nada and trying to have some kind of relationship with her, my

face is dark, I slouch, and generally look sad, worried, despressed. When we

talked of being free of her, being NC, and what that would look like she said my

face brightened, a cracked jokes, and looked totally relaxed. She said that my

physical reaction were enough to tell her that Nada is toxic, even if she hadn't

met her to see it for herself.

Food for thought...what do you want your kids to see?

> >

> > Five years ago, I cut off all contact with my mother, following 24 years of

her erratic swings between obsessive/emotionally abusive behavior. The straw

that broke my back: A series of majorly abusive meltdowns over the course of two

years brought on by my impending wedding and exacerbated by my grandmother's

death.

> >

> > About two years ago, after a lot of therapy for me, I started speaking to my

mother again. Partially, I wanted to be able to have a relationship with my

other family members that didn't involve sneaking into and out of my hometown

when I knew my mom wouldn't be there. Partially, I felt the need to prove to

myself (and my husband) that I could stand up to my mother and deal with her

while drawing boundaries to protect myself and my family.

> >

> > For the most part, this has worked out pretty well. I set boundaries at the

outset, and I've stuck to them. For a while, she mostly refrained from pushing

the boundaries and responded well when I called her on it.

> >

> > But here's the thing, though: I'm not happy. I'm not really enjoying having

her back in my life. Some of it is that she's started pushing my lines a little

more frequently. But largely, it's that I don't trust her, and I don't know that

I ever can. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop...for

circumstances to hit the perfect storm of emotional stress that makes her fly

off the deep end again. She's done this off and on throughout my entire life,

mostly to other people, but more and more often to me, too. I know it's only a

matter of time. Meanwhile, I can tell in every interaction we have that she's

desperate to feel like she and I are best friends with no boundaries and nothing

but love. And it's stressful and EXHAUSTING to navigate that behavior.

> >

> > Worse, there are a couple of potential triggers on the horizon. My grandpa

is pretty clearly going downhill. He'll probably die in a year or two. And my

husband and I are ready to have a child and are planning on going off birth

control in the next few months. Either of these things (or, horrors, both at the

same time) are very likely to bring my mother's abandonment issues and need for

validation to the forefront. I feel like I'm sitting under a storm cloud that's

getting darker and darker. I have dreams now, on a regular basis, where she

shows up and attacks me, or tries to manipulate me, or just adds to the stress

of an already stressful situation.

> >

> > I don't know what to do. She's not really done anything to warrant cutting

her off again. But having her in my life ... it just feels like long periods of

peace punctuated by the stressful, draining moments when she calls, or writes,

or I have to visit her in person. I feel awful. Like I'm not giving her a

chance. But I don't really think that attitude is fair to myself, either, given

her track record. But, then again, I feel like I'm just sitting here, waiting

for her to go nuts again.

> >

> > Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

> > Mostly, I just wanted to vent.

> > Thank you for listening.

> >

>

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Just wanted to add...last week when deciding with the therapist that had been

meeting with nada and I she pointed out a HUGE observation...

When I speak of nada and trying to have some kind of relationship with her, my

face is dark, I slouch, and generally look sad, worried, despressed. When we

talked of being free of her, being NC, and what that would look like she said my

face brightened, a cracked jokes, and looked totally relaxed. She said that my

physical reaction were enough to tell her that Nada is toxic, even if she hadn't

met her to see it for herself.

Food for thought...what do you want your kids to see?

> >

> > Five years ago, I cut off all contact with my mother, following 24 years of

her erratic swings between obsessive/emotionally abusive behavior. The straw

that broke my back: A series of majorly abusive meltdowns over the course of two

years brought on by my impending wedding and exacerbated by my grandmother's

death.

> >

> > About two years ago, after a lot of therapy for me, I started speaking to my

mother again. Partially, I wanted to be able to have a relationship with my

other family members that didn't involve sneaking into and out of my hometown

when I knew my mom wouldn't be there. Partially, I felt the need to prove to

myself (and my husband) that I could stand up to my mother and deal with her

while drawing boundaries to protect myself and my family.

> >

> > For the most part, this has worked out pretty well. I set boundaries at the

outset, and I've stuck to them. For a while, she mostly refrained from pushing

the boundaries and responded well when I called her on it.

> >

> > But here's the thing, though: I'm not happy. I'm not really enjoying having

her back in my life. Some of it is that she's started pushing my lines a little

more frequently. But largely, it's that I don't trust her, and I don't know that

I ever can. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop...for

circumstances to hit the perfect storm of emotional stress that makes her fly

off the deep end again. She's done this off and on throughout my entire life,

mostly to other people, but more and more often to me, too. I know it's only a

matter of time. Meanwhile, I can tell in every interaction we have that she's

desperate to feel like she and I are best friends with no boundaries and nothing

but love. And it's stressful and EXHAUSTING to navigate that behavior.

> >

> > Worse, there are a couple of potential triggers on the horizon. My grandpa

is pretty clearly going downhill. He'll probably die in a year or two. And my

husband and I are ready to have a child and are planning on going off birth

control in the next few months. Either of these things (or, horrors, both at the

same time) are very likely to bring my mother's abandonment issues and need for

validation to the forefront. I feel like I'm sitting under a storm cloud that's

getting darker and darker. I have dreams now, on a regular basis, where she

shows up and attacks me, or tries to manipulate me, or just adds to the stress

of an already stressful situation.

> >

> > I don't know what to do. She's not really done anything to warrant cutting

her off again. But having her in my life ... it just feels like long periods of

peace punctuated by the stressful, draining moments when she calls, or writes,

or I have to visit her in person. I feel awful. Like I'm not giving her a

chance. But I don't really think that attitude is fair to myself, either, given

her track record. But, then again, I feel like I'm just sitting here, waiting

for her to go nuts again.

> >

> > Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

> > Mostly, I just wanted to vent.

> > Thank you for listening.

> >

>

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I know exactly how you feel. When I am at school (college) and I live at my own

apartment and I am living my own life, for the most part, I can ignore my nada's

terrible behavior. But, when I have to come home for break (i.e. I have been

home for, oh, 6 hours now, and she's already had to get in a few jabs) it is so

much harder for me to ignore. This is because I do not have the option of

hanging up on her, and then continuing on with my day.

I too, always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. My nada has

violent ups and downs. When shes in her " you are the best daughter mode " it can

be down right creepy (I insert here 's use of the term " Soul Sucker " , thank

you for that btw). She wants to be soo close. But when shes in the " you are

the worst thing that ever happened to me " mode, I can't do anything right. She

flips out about something small at least 6-7 times a day and something major,

about 4 times a week.

It is exhausting no matter what, and you should do whatever you need to do to

make you happy and feel emotionally safe. While I am very new to this group, I

am quickly learning that at some point, you have to put you first.

In the next year, I am going to be really contemplating LC or NC. Right now, I

am leaning towards LC, but things may change.

I hope that this helps,

Jade

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