Re: Grandhouse, Grandvan, Grandjob

December 7, 2010

I don't think it's such a stretch to say that our parents probably really do

feel that way on some level. It comes with being unable to see us as people

with our own identities.

I know my mom has always thought of my sister and me as HERS. I felt like she

saw everything we did or didn't do as a reflection of herself. Even before I

had kids of my own or heard of BPD, I knew there was something off about that

way of thinking. I decided to make sure that I always remember that a child is

never a possession--any babies I had would never be MINE. I would remember that

they are God's, and He had just entrusted them to my care for a little while.

If I did my job right as a parent, they would grow up and be able to move away

and survive on their own, and enjoy their own identities.

I guess we all realize what a contrast that is to the way our parents think.

And you are right that it extends past the child to the child's things. I like

your way of putting it...HER grand-things! When I moved into my first house, my

mom had all kinds of plans for it. She got into her head that we should make a

concrete path through the backyard so that my son could ride his tricycle out

there, and she brought it up all the time. She kept offering to replace my

appliances, especially the refrigerator, because she wanted to have ice in the

door. When my daughter was born and we were at the hospital, we asked my

parents to watch myson, and when we got home we found that she had redecorated

both of our bathrooms and bought new sheets for our bed! She clearly had

trouble understanding that it was not HER grand-house ;-)

kt

>

> Okay, this is really for those of you who are NC or LC with nada. I am being

facitious here, obviously, but if nada insists that she has rights to access

" HER granchildren " , my question is where is the ownership here? Does everything

that I have automatically become her grand-whatever? Does that mean she has a

right to drive my van because it is her " grandvan " ? Can she live in my house

because it is her " grandhouse " ? Is my job and income her " grandjob " ? I know

this sounds ridiculous, but I am pointing out how ridiculous it sounds to me

when she calls my children " HER " anything. I crawled my way into sanity from

her life, (my brother never did and so has no " grandkids " for her). How can she

insist she has any rights to children that I have? It makes about as much sense

to me as my analogies about her calling my possessions her grandvan, grandhouse,

grandjob. Anyone feel this way?

>

December 7, 2010

Although I don't have kids, I too felt that unhealthy, inappropriate attitude

from my nada in that she considered that my achievements were actually hers, not

mine.

YOur nada's behaviors could be due to the bpd sense of internal emptiness.

Instead of a healthy ego there is just a vast unfillable void, a black hole of

need that sucks everything and everyone into it.

Lacking a " self " , the bpd feels the need to incorporate (assimilate, consume)

other people and live through them. But unlike the Borg in " Star Trek, TNG " ,

resistance is NOT futile.

Or your nada's behaviors could be due to narcissism; the narcissist, a special

and superior person, feels entitled to annex or appropriate other people's

possessions, their services, their time. My own personal opinion is that npd

mothers on some level do feel that they own their children like property. Nada

created you, you came out of her body and she paid for you, so you now owe her a

debt. Pay up.

Either way, those behaviors: the need to assimilate you or that sense of

ownership of you, are frustrating behaviors to deal with.

-Annie