Exhausted ( Very Long)

[Guest guest]

Part One

Mother and I are in the middle of a three-month long disagreement right now, and

I just need to be able to put all this somewhere. It's a small issue in itself,

but it's set in such a long context of situations just like it, and she has been

so abusive in the past that I have no reserve of affection or liking for her to

carry me through it. It's a long story, so I understand if it's just too much

for an internet board.

She has wanted me to go to her friend's daughter's baby shower. Because of our

mothers' relationship, I basically felt obligated to comply when this girl and

her mother invited me to stay over two or three times in my late teens. At that

point in my life, I was still too cowed by the idea of offending anyone to say

no.

I have nothing in common with this girl. I spent the few times I saw her on

breaks from my college trying to nod and smile while she told me about her

boyfriend in jail and showed me the pictures of herself in her underwear she was

sending to him. If not really knowing how to respond to that makes me a snob,

then I'm a snob.

Mom first asked me to go to this thing in June. I told her I didn't want to go.

Her response was, " We'll see. "

Part Two

She called me a few days later to tell me that sometimes, when she hangs out

with this woman/daughter pair, and another woman/daughter pair friend of hers,

she " sees all the other daughters there and I feel like the only kid at the

school play without a mommy. "

Ignoring the obvious pathology behind this statement, I told her I appreciated

her sharing her feelings with me, and said it must be awful to feel that way. I

learned long ago to never tell her her feelings are irrational. You don't tell

crazy people they're crazy! I did, however, point out that those daughters live

with their mothers because they got pregnant in their late teens and can't

support themselves financially, whereas I live two hours away and visit her

because I like seeing her (okay, so that last part was a lie). I also told her

that I don't like baby showers (I HATE showers of any kind, weddings, too) and

still wasn't sure why she thought I needed to be there.

Part Three

She called me in late September to tell me that she had been named godmother to

the girl's upcoming second baby, and will be planning the shower. I said, " Mom,

I thought we already talked about this. " She said, " Yes, and I thought we agreed

you were going to come. " I reiterated that I was not coming, and she told me

that this was very important to her, that she didn't even know what to say, but

that she was not getting over this any time soon. Then she hung up.

Part Four

She stopped calling me, except in response to my calls, which I did weekly just

to remind her that I still loved her and that my not coming didn't have anything

to do with that. We exchanged emails. Here is an excerpt from hers:

" I explained to you that I'm always the one with out a daugther to accompany

me...most of the time I handle it(Irelize you have a life),however this event

was of particular importance TO ME. You said you understood. So is it you

understand and just don't give a shit about me and my feelings or is it

something else? I cried tring to figure out what it is that I did to you to get

to the point where I have to beg you to come to this one baby shower with me.If

I can't have any expectation of relying on you to attend a function that I'm

helping to throw, I can't have any expectation of you at all...I would have

hoped that when on the few occasions I ask for something for ME and say it is

important to ME I'm met with such BS. I was after all for many years the only

one always there for you... "

It goes on from there. Needless to say, this is not " one of the few occasions "

that she has asked something from me. She asks for things a lot. I wrote back

and told her it was not my intention to hurt her, I loved her, but I was not

going. I also, stupidly, wrote some things with the intention of reasoning with

her.

Part Five

She calls me a few days later and asks, AGAIN, if I'm coming. I tell her I'm

confused, as this is the third time I've said no. She repeats that she's not

getting over this, and if I don't go, " it's over. " Gee, never heard that before.

However, she STILL sends me an invitation in the mail. As fate would have it,

the shower is being held the same day as a good friend's wedding. She calls me

the day of the shower.

" You're not coming today? "

" No, I'm getting ready to go to a wedding. "

" Well, you better spend all your holidays with these people because I'm done.

It's all I can do not to tell you to go fuck yourself. I told you this was

important to me, but it's over, so you just keep walking. "

Last night, I called her to discuss Thanksgiving. We didn't get around to it. I

spent half an hour doing little more than grunting in response to her telling me

how I never go out of my way for her or put myself out of my comfort zone. She

also told me that she was so embarrassed that I was there (even though I had a

legit reason for not being there, and the family knew it), that she bought a

changing table and said it was from me. WTF?

When I got off the phone, I burst into tears from sheer exhaustion of listening

to her. I'm so fucking tired. I have so many things that I could say to her, and

not one of them is worth saying because she does not understand logic. I am at a

loss. I'm so tired of feeling my way in the dark with no help and no

instruction. I don't know how to talk to a person who lives in a completely

different reality. I've been to therapy, but as we all know, therapy can only

help you change yourself (I have, btw; I've got a better handle on my

depression, I changed my expectations of mom, and even this whole debacle hasn't

had the effect on my life it would have just a year or two ago). Who could

navigate a conversation with this woman? She will alter reality and normalcy,

taking back and bending things she said and things I didn't say, all because the

only thing she understands is that she's not getting something she wants. If

you've made it this far in my post, thanks! Even sending this out into the

internet has been something of a relief.