Re: Before breakfast... very long...

[Guest guest]

sanamu, You didn't bum me out but I sure am sorry for all you have gone through.  But I also see that you have turned it into a wonderful learning experience.  Recognizing that you have not really legalized food is a major step.  And to notice now that even the therapist was an out side  force and that IE comes from within. You have been through a lot so give yourself some slack about the past.  After all it is the past.  With IE I try to stay focused in the present moment, not doing so well right now, but that's ok.  I will get back on track.  Yes this is a process.  Hope you enjoyed the spaghetti and tea.  Sandy

 

Wonder if I should start counting the days that I've been not really doing IE? And which day would count as #1?

The thing that I liked about dieting (when I could still do it) was counting being in control of the body and myself even if temporarily. Problem was, that temporary control kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter and the diet back lash stronger and stronger...

Yesterday I had a real revelation - that I haven't legalized food at all, I've only opened the gate temporarily while waiting to slam it shut again and throw out all the re-criminalized food for the crows to eat.

So, for a long time now I've wondered why I felt like a runaway train when that urge to have a forbidden food arises. There was no stopping " it " as at those times I think I could and would go through a wall to have what I want.

Saturday night I suddenly got it while reading these posts. All the analysis and " processes " I've done for all this time and I didn't realize that I was only reacting to diet rules and the belief that I couldn't be controlled... yada yada yada.

Few months back I went to a well-respected hypnotist. I drove 70 miles to see him and paid him $150 an hour. He was a really good therapist as therapists go (don't get me started on that one)... But amazingly the work only fed the rebelliousness and the illusion that there was a magic answer to all of this. A magic answer outside of myself and one from a man who'd probably never had a weight or eating problem himself at all. Every so often a bit of arrogance would sneak through his perfect therapeutic demeanor - like " are you ready to quit playing games with yourself around food?! " Yes, sir, I sure am sir - it's all been a game for me. Just a freakin' game.

No wonder my defiance was ran rampant... I didn't call him on his stuff and instead quit the therapy. Somehow that makes sense now. We aren't meant to live our lives from the outside in - and we aren't meant to look to others for something as " simple " as what to eat and when to eat it. I was hoping somebody else could help me gain control of the subconscious (i.e., me) and make it (me) fall into line with normalcy.

We live in strange, self-alienated times. I don't know if I can or will

ever be a success at this; but I do know that I don't want to stay on

the diet/non-diet merry-go-round the rest of my life - and I don't

want to live by food rules day in and day out.

Still, I looked at the hunger scale on the site where the free book lives (but I can't find it) and my heart sort of sunk; it looked so complicated and I'm typically so unconscious and/or anxious when I'm eating. The thought of " having " to stop when I'm partially full, or not really full felt like some sort of doom.

Being full has been pretty much my only source of comfort for a bunch of years now - and it's blunted all these emotions I haven't wanted to feel. Not that I never feel them, it seems like I feel them all of the time and I'm tired of feeling them.

What started my real fall into the fat was when I was driving many miles every Friday night to visit my sister when she was in the hospital. She had a glioblastoma multiform. Very deadly. I knew she was dying but her husband chose not to tell her and I chose to honor that, not really knowing which was best except not feeling that his choice was a good one. Knowing also that for many years she'd wanted to leave him, that he'd raped her at one time, but she was afraid to leave.

I was living with our old, crazy, dysfunctional parents whom " we " opted not to tell she was dying because... that's the way my family did things and they were so daft it would have been just another burden for me to comfort them, or explain to them over and over and over what was going on.

I remember one night after I'd gotten to the hospital I picked up food at a deli which included a big old cream filled, chocolate dessert of some kind. I was stuffing it into my face as fast as I could while listening to her talk about our childhood and how she'd tried so hard to protect me (little sis) from my parents abuse. She was crying as she talked about our childhood every time I saw her. And, every visit, I would be shoving food into my face as fast as I could to stuff the pain of watching her die, knowing she didn't know, and having to live with parents who'd caused us so much pain and trauma and were now too old and ignorant to even tell that their daughter was dying - while also feeling it was all their fault.

Yeah, I guess that's where I went off track with my food and when feeling full felt better than - just about anything.

Well, I'm debating about sending this because I'm sort of loathe to put stuff this intense out there, but maybe, maybe it will help somebody somehow.

It sure feels better to have run through this stuff while writing it. I've thought about the time my sister was dying a lot but never really acknowledged how painful and difficult it was and how much it lauched me into overeating.

My parents are gone now too - but the aftermath of my sister's death and their on-going car-crash dysfunction and denial was a real bitch to live through. It's no wonder I've overeaten; don't know how a normal eater would have gotten through it, but I never had their tools, apparently.

Thanks, hope this doens't bum a bunch of people out. By the way, I'm now eating some warmed up spaghetti and tea for b'fast. Tastes and feels good. I'll see if I'm willing/able to stop at a point before near explosion... LOL

[Guest guest]

sanamu, You didn't bum me out but I sure am sorry for all you have gone through.  But I also see that you have turned it into a wonderful learning experience.  Recognizing that you have not really legalized food is a major step.  And to notice now that even the therapist was an out side  force and that IE comes from within. You have been through a lot so give yourself some slack about the past.  After all it is the past.  With IE I try to stay focused in the present moment, not doing so well right now, but that's ok.  I will get back on track.  Yes this is a process.  Hope you enjoyed the spaghetti and tea.  Sandy

 

Wonder if I should start counting the days that I've been not really doing IE? And which day would count as #1?

The thing that I liked about dieting (when I could still do it) was counting being in control of the body and myself even if temporarily. Problem was, that temporary control kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter and the diet back lash stronger and stronger...

Yesterday I had a real revelation - that I haven't legalized food at all, I've only opened the gate temporarily while waiting to slam it shut again and throw out all the re-criminalized food for the crows to eat.

So, for a long time now I've wondered why I felt like a runaway train when that urge to have a forbidden food arises. There was no stopping " it " as at those times I think I could and would go through a wall to have what I want.

Saturday night I suddenly got it while reading these posts. All the analysis and " processes " I've done for all this time and I didn't realize that I was only reacting to diet rules and the belief that I couldn't be controlled... yada yada yada.

Few months back I went to a well-respected hypnotist. I drove 70 miles to see him and paid him $150 an hour. He was a really good therapist as therapists go (don't get me started on that one)... But amazingly the work only fed the rebelliousness and the illusion that there was a magic answer to all of this. A magic answer outside of myself and one from a man who'd probably never had a weight or eating problem himself at all. Every so often a bit of arrogance would sneak through his perfect therapeutic demeanor - like " are you ready to quit playing games with yourself around food?! " Yes, sir, I sure am sir - it's all been a game for me. Just a freakin' game.

No wonder my defiance was ran rampant... I didn't call him on his stuff and instead quit the therapy. Somehow that makes sense now. We aren't meant to live our lives from the outside in - and we aren't meant to look to others for something as " simple " as what to eat and when to eat it. I was hoping somebody else could help me gain control of the subconscious (i.e., me) and make it (me) fall into line with normalcy.

We live in strange, self-alienated times. I don't know if I can or will

ever be a success at this; but I do know that I don't want to stay on

the diet/non-diet merry-go-round the rest of my life - and I don't

want to live by food rules day in and day out.

Still, I looked at the hunger scale on the site where the free book lives (but I can't find it) and my heart sort of sunk; it looked so complicated and I'm typically so unconscious and/or anxious when I'm eating. The thought of " having " to stop when I'm partially full, or not really full felt like some sort of doom.

Being full has been pretty much my only source of comfort for a bunch of years now - and it's blunted all these emotions I haven't wanted to feel. Not that I never feel them, it seems like I feel them all of the time and I'm tired of feeling them.

What started my real fall into the fat was when I was driving many miles every Friday night to visit my sister when she was in the hospital. She had a glioblastoma multiform. Very deadly. I knew she was dying but her husband chose not to tell her and I chose to honor that, not really knowing which was best except not feeling that his choice was a good one. Knowing also that for many years she'd wanted to leave him, that he'd raped her at one time, but she was afraid to leave.

I was living with our old, crazy, dysfunctional parents whom " we " opted not to tell she was dying because... that's the way my family did things and they were so daft it would have been just another burden for me to comfort them, or explain to them over and over and over what was going on.

I remember one night after I'd gotten to the hospital I picked up food at a deli which included a big old cream filled, chocolate dessert of some kind. I was stuffing it into my face as fast as I could while listening to her talk about our childhood and how she'd tried so hard to protect me (little sis) from my parents abuse. She was crying as she talked about our childhood every time I saw her. And, every visit, I would be shoving food into my face as fast as I could to stuff the pain of watching her die, knowing she didn't know, and having to live with parents who'd caused us so much pain and trauma and were now too old and ignorant to even tell that their daughter was dying - while also feeling it was all their fault.

Yeah, I guess that's where I went off track with my food and when feeling full felt better than - just about anything.

Well, I'm debating about sending this because I'm sort of loathe to put stuff this intense out there, but maybe, maybe it will help somebody somehow.

It sure feels better to have run through this stuff while writing it. I've thought about the time my sister was dying a lot but never really acknowledged how painful and difficult it was and how much it lauched me into overeating.

My parents are gone now too - but the aftermath of my sister's death and their on-going car-crash dysfunction and denial was a real bitch to live through. It's no wonder I've overeaten; don't know how a normal eater would have gotten through it, but I never had their tools, apparently.

Thanks, hope this doens't bum a bunch of people out. By the way, I'm now eating some warmed up spaghetti and tea for b'fast. Tastes and feels good. I'll see if I'm willing/able to stop at a point before near explosion... LOL

[Guest guest]

sanamu, You didn't bum me out but I sure am sorry for all you have gone through.  But I also see that you have turned it into a wonderful learning experience.  Recognizing that you have not really legalized food is a major step.  And to notice now that even the therapist was an out side  force and that IE comes from within. You have been through a lot so give yourself some slack about the past.  After all it is the past.  With IE I try to stay focused in the present moment, not doing so well right now, but that's ok.  I will get back on track.  Yes this is a process.  Hope you enjoyed the spaghetti and tea.  Sandy

 

Wonder if I should start counting the days that I've been not really doing IE? And which day would count as #1?

The thing that I liked about dieting (when I could still do it) was counting being in control of the body and myself even if temporarily. Problem was, that temporary control kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter and the diet back lash stronger and stronger...

Yesterday I had a real revelation - that I haven't legalized food at all, I've only opened the gate temporarily while waiting to slam it shut again and throw out all the re-criminalized food for the crows to eat.

So, for a long time now I've wondered why I felt like a runaway train when that urge to have a forbidden food arises. There was no stopping " it " as at those times I think I could and would go through a wall to have what I want.

Saturday night I suddenly got it while reading these posts. All the analysis and " processes " I've done for all this time and I didn't realize that I was only reacting to diet rules and the belief that I couldn't be controlled... yada yada yada.

Few months back I went to a well-respected hypnotist. I drove 70 miles to see him and paid him $150 an hour. He was a really good therapist as therapists go (don't get me started on that one)... But amazingly the work only fed the rebelliousness and the illusion that there was a magic answer to all of this. A magic answer outside of myself and one from a man who'd probably never had a weight or eating problem himself at all. Every so often a bit of arrogance would sneak through his perfect therapeutic demeanor - like " are you ready to quit playing games with yourself around food?! " Yes, sir, I sure am sir - it's all been a game for me. Just a freakin' game.

No wonder my defiance was ran rampant... I didn't call him on his stuff and instead quit the therapy. Somehow that makes sense now. We aren't meant to live our lives from the outside in - and we aren't meant to look to others for something as " simple " as what to eat and when to eat it. I was hoping somebody else could help me gain control of the subconscious (i.e., me) and make it (me) fall into line with normalcy.

We live in strange, self-alienated times. I don't know if I can or will

ever be a success at this; but I do know that I don't want to stay on

the diet/non-diet merry-go-round the rest of my life - and I don't

want to live by food rules day in and day out.

Still, I looked at the hunger scale on the site where the free book lives (but I can't find it) and my heart sort of sunk; it looked so complicated and I'm typically so unconscious and/or anxious when I'm eating. The thought of " having " to stop when I'm partially full, or not really full felt like some sort of doom.

Being full has been pretty much my only source of comfort for a bunch of years now - and it's blunted all these emotions I haven't wanted to feel. Not that I never feel them, it seems like I feel them all of the time and I'm tired of feeling them.

What started my real fall into the fat was when I was driving many miles every Friday night to visit my sister when she was in the hospital. She had a glioblastoma multiform. Very deadly. I knew she was dying but her husband chose not to tell her and I chose to honor that, not really knowing which was best except not feeling that his choice was a good one. Knowing also that for many years she'd wanted to leave him, that he'd raped her at one time, but she was afraid to leave.

I was living with our old, crazy, dysfunctional parents whom " we " opted not to tell she was dying because... that's the way my family did things and they were so daft it would have been just another burden for me to comfort them, or explain to them over and over and over what was going on.

I remember one night after I'd gotten to the hospital I picked up food at a deli which included a big old cream filled, chocolate dessert of some kind. I was stuffing it into my face as fast as I could while listening to her talk about our childhood and how she'd tried so hard to protect me (little sis) from my parents abuse. She was crying as she talked about our childhood every time I saw her. And, every visit, I would be shoving food into my face as fast as I could to stuff the pain of watching her die, knowing she didn't know, and having to live with parents who'd caused us so much pain and trauma and were now too old and ignorant to even tell that their daughter was dying - while also feeling it was all their fault.

Yeah, I guess that's where I went off track with my food and when feeling full felt better than - just about anything.

Well, I'm debating about sending this because I'm sort of loathe to put stuff this intense out there, but maybe, maybe it will help somebody somehow.

It sure feels better to have run through this stuff while writing it. I've thought about the time my sister was dying a lot but never really acknowledged how painful and difficult it was and how much it lauched me into overeating.

My parents are gone now too - but the aftermath of my sister's death and their on-going car-crash dysfunction and denial was a real bitch to live through. It's no wonder I've overeaten; don't know how a normal eater would have gotten through it, but I never had their tools, apparently.

Thanks, hope this doens't bum a bunch of people out. By the way, I'm now eating some warmed up spaghetti and tea for b'fast. Tastes and feels good. I'll see if I'm willing/able to stop at a point before near explosion... LOL

[Guest guest]

You didn't bum me out. It sounds like you are having some helpful realizations, and really seeing past events with open eyes, all of which will work for you on this "journey".

One thing I would suggest is regarding the hunger scale. I can't handle ten or even five divisions of how hungry I am, I need it simpler than that so I just go with Hungry and Not Hungry. This is what works for me now, though of course that can always change without notice! :)Judy

Subject: Before breakfast... very long...To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Monday, August 8, 2011, 2:34 PM

Wonder if I should start counting the days that I've been not really doing IE? And which day would count as #1? The thing that I liked about dieting (when I could still do it) was counting being in control of the body and myself even if temporarily. Problem was, that temporary control kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter and the diet back lash stronger and stronger... Yesterday I had a real revelation - that I haven't legalized food at all, I've only opened the gate temporarily while waiting to slam it shut again and throw out all the re-criminalized food for the crows to eat. So, for a long time now I've wondered why I felt like a runaway train when that urge to have a forbidden food arises. There was no stopping "it" as at those times I think I could and would go through a wall to have what I want. Saturday night I suddenly got it while reading these posts. All the analysis and "processes" I've done for all

this time and I didn't realize that I was only reacting to diet rules and the belief that I couldn't be controlled... yada yada yada. Few months back I went to a well-respected hypnotist. I drove 70 miles to see him and paid him $150 an hour. He was a really good therapist as therapists go (don't get me started on that one)... But amazingly the work only fed the rebelliousness and the illusion that there was a magic answer to all of this. A magic answer outside of myself and one from a man who'd probably never had a weight or eating problem himself at all. Every so often a bit of arrogance would sneak through his perfect therapeutic demeanor - like "are you ready to quit playing games with yourself around food?!" Yes, sir, I sure am sir - it's all been a game for me. Just a freakin' game. No wonder my defiance was ran rampant... I didn't call him on his stuff and instead quit the therapy. Somehow that makes sense now. We aren't meant to

live our lives from the outside in - and we aren't meant to look to others for something as "simple" as what to eat and when to eat it. I was hoping somebody else could help me gain control of the subconscious (i.e., me) and make it (me) fall into line with normalcy. We live in strange, self-alienated times. I don't know if I can or willever be a success at this; but I do know that I don't want to stay onthe diet/non-diet merry-go-round the rest of my life - and I don't want to live by food rules day in and day out. Still, I looked at the hunger scale on the site where the free book lives (but I can't find it) and my heart sort of sunk; it looked so complicated and I'm typically so unconscious and/or anxious when I'm eating. The thought of "having" to stop when I'm partially full, or not really full felt like some sort of doom. Being full has been pretty much my only source of comfort for a bunch of years now - and

it's blunted all these emotions I haven't wanted to feel. Not that I never feel them, it seems like I feel them all of the time and I'm tired of feeling them. What started my real fall into the fat was when I was driving many miles every Friday night to visit my sister when she was in the hospital. She had a glioblastoma multiform. Very deadly. I knew she was dying but her husband chose not to tell her and I chose to honor that, not really knowing which was best except not feeling that his choice was a good one. Knowing also that for many years she'd wanted to leave him, that he'd raped her at one time, but she was afraid to leave. I was living with our old, crazy, dysfunctional parents whom "we" opted not to tell she was dying because... that's the way my family did things and they were so daft it would have been just another burden for me to comfort them, or explain to them over and over and over what was going on. I remember

one night after I'd gotten to the hospital I picked up food at a deli which included a big old cream filled, chocolate dessert of some kind. I was stuffing it into my face as fast as I could while listening to her talk about our childhood and how she'd tried so hard to protect me (little sis) from my parents abuse. She was crying as she talked about our childhood every time I saw her. And, every visit, I would be shoving food into my face as fast as I could to stuff the pain of watching her die, knowing she didn't know, and having to live with parents who'd caused us so much pain and trauma and were now too old and ignorant to even tell that their daughter was dying - while also feeling it was all their fault.Yeah, I guess that's where I went off track with my food and when feeling full felt better than - just about anything. Well, I'm debating about sending this because I'm sort of loathe to put stuff this intense out there, but maybe,

maybe it will help somebody somehow. It sure feels better to have run through this stuff while writing it. I've thought about the time my sister was dying a lot but never really acknowledged how painful and difficult it was and how much it lauched me into overeating. My parents are gone now too - but the aftermath of my sister's death and their on-going car-crash dysfunction and denial was a real bitch to live through. It's no wonder I've overeaten; don't know how a normal eater would have gotten through it, but I never had their tools, apparently. Thanks, hope this doens't bum a bunch of people out. By the way, I'm now eating some warmed up spaghetti and tea for b'fast. Tastes and feels good. I'll see if I'm willing/able to stop at a point before near explosion... LOL

[Guest guest]

Sue,Wow, what a brave and honest post!far from bumming me out, i am impressed.i think just sharing all this is a HUGE step on your IE journey. 

as is honoring the fact that you did whatever you were able to do to survive the horrific challenges that faced you.i'm especially saddened by your story about your sister. how painful that must have been for you.

being able to FEEL your feelings is probably the biggest step in IE. so i think you are making real progress.have you considered going for help in processing the feelings around your sister, your family, the abuse you suffered? and the lies you were forced to perpetuate? (my dad died of glioblastoma multiformae... i will never forget the terrible day we had to break the news to him that he was terminal. but NOT being able to tell him would've been SO much worse.) 

i am so sorry for your tragedies.i think what you are dealing with is so much bigger than eating. as is probably true for most of us! others on this list may be able to share resources that have been helpful to them with dealing with emotions. i found The Power Of Now to be helpful at times. the idea that we are okay, that we won't be crushed by our emotions... very powerful. 

i feel like this is a totally inadequate response to your powerful story... but kudos to you for the amazing work you are doing. best to you,abby

[Guest guest]

You could try Koenig's book The Feelings Workbook - which particularly

focuses on how we use food to stuff our feelings. I have found it helpful.

Wishing you happiness and wholeness.

Clare

>

> Sue,

>

> Wow, what a brave and honest post!

>

> far from bumming me out, i am impressed.

>

> i think just sharing all this is a HUGE step on your IE journey.

>

> as is honoring the fact that you did whatever you were able to do to survive

> the horrific challenges that faced you.

>

> i'm especially saddened by your story about your sister. how painful that

> must have been for you.

>

> being able to FEEL your feelings is probably the biggest step in IE. so i

> think you are making real progress.

>

> have you considered going for help in processing the feelings around your

> sister, your family, the abuse you suffered? and the lies you were forced to

> perpetuate? (my dad died of glioblastoma multiformae... i will never forget

> the terrible day we had to break the news to him that he was terminal. but

> NOT being able to tell him would've been SO much worse.)

>

> i am so sorry for your tragedies.

>

> i think what you are dealing with is so much bigger than eating. as is

> probably true for most of us!

>

> others on this list may be able to share resources that have been helpful to

> them with dealing with emotions. i found The Power Of Now to be helpful at

> times. the idea that we are okay, that we won't be crushed by our

> emotions... very powerful.

>

> i feel like this is a totally inadequate response to your powerful story...

> but kudos to you for the amazing work you are doing.

>

> best to you,

>

> abby

>

[Guest guest]

Sanamu,

Stand to reason a bunch of us have had stuff happen that made stuffing ourselves

numb seem functional as a way to get through it. And compared to some of the

other options - drugs, alcohol, violence - it was a better choice. Only problem

was it wasn't a healthy choice. I guess we didn't have the tools to make a

healthy choice.

So, okay. That was then. This is now. How do we choose today?

Yesterday wasn't the best for me. I started eating when I was only beginning to

get hungry, because others were eating, and therefore ate to full instead of not

hungry. I forgot to focus while eating and once again ate until full. I ate

again when I wasn't quite hungry enough and felt neither not hungry nor full,

instead wanting to eat everything in the kitchen and having to talk myself out

of it and resolve to do better today.

I've only eaten once today so far, when I was hungry and stopped okay. I'm

hungry again and my husband will be home and want dinner soon. Hope all goes

well. This is a one-moment-at-a-time decision-making thing. Hopefully we can

retrain ourselves.

I'm pulling for you and me and all of us in this group. The only sure way to

fail is to give up. There is hope!

Jane

>

> Wonder if I should start counting the days that I've been not really doing IE?

And which day would count as #1?

>

> The thing that I liked about dieting (when I could still do it) was counting

being in control of the body and myself even if temporarily. Problem was, that

temporary control kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter and the diet back

lash stronger and stronger...

>

> Yesterday I had a real revelation - that I haven't legalized food at all, I've

only opened the gate temporarily while waiting to slam it shut again and throw

out all the re-criminalized food for the crows to eat.

>

> So, for a long time now I've wondered why I felt like a runaway train when

that urge to have a forbidden food arises. There was no stopping " it " as at

those times I think I could and would go through a wall to have what I want.

>

> Saturday night I suddenly got it while reading these posts. All the analysis

and " processes " I've done for all this time and I didn't realize that I was only

reacting to diet rules and the belief that I couldn't be controlled... yada yada

yada.

>

> Few months back I went to a well-respected hypnotist. I drove 70 miles to see

him and paid him $150 an hour. He was a really good therapist as therapists go

(don't get me started on that one)... But amazingly the work only fed the

rebelliousness and the illusion that there was a magic answer to all of this. A

magic answer outside of myself and one from a man who'd probably never had a

weight or eating problem himself at all. Every so often a bit of arrogance

would sneak through his perfect therapeutic demeanor - like " are you ready to

quit playing games with yourself around food?! " Yes, sir, I sure am sir - it's

all been a game for me. Just a freakin' game.

>

> No wonder my defiance was ran rampant... I didn't call him on his stuff and

instead quit the therapy. Somehow that makes sense now. We aren't meant to live

our lives from the outside in - and we aren't meant to look to others for

something as " simple " as what to eat and when to eat it. I was hoping somebody

else could help me gain control of the subconscious (i.e., me) and make it (me)

fall into line with normalcy.

>

> We live in strange, self-alienated times. I don't know if I can or will

> ever be a success at this; but I do know that I don't want to stay on

> the diet/non-diet merry-go-round the rest of my life - and I don't

> want to live by food rules day in and day out.

>

> Still, I looked at the hunger scale on the site where the free book lives (but

I can't find it) and my heart sort of sunk; it looked so complicated and I'm

typically so unconscious and/or anxious when I'm eating. The thought of

" having " to stop when I'm partially full, or not really full felt like some sort

of doom.

>

> Being full has been pretty much my only source of comfort for a bunch of years

now - and it's blunted all these emotions I haven't wanted to feel. Not that I

never feel them, it seems like I feel them all of the time and I'm tired of

feeling them.

>

> What started my real fall into the fat was when I was driving many miles every

Friday night to visit my sister when she was in the hospital. She had a

glioblastoma multiform. Very deadly. I knew she was dying but her husband

chose not to tell her and I chose to honor that, not really knowing which was

best except not feeling that his choice was a good one. Knowing also that for

many years she'd wanted to leave him, that he'd raped her at one time, but she

was afraid to leave.

>

> I was living with our old, crazy, dysfunctional parents whom " we " opted not to

tell she was dying because... that's the way my family did things and they were

so daft it would have been just another burden for me to comfort them, or

explain to them over and over and over what was going on.

>

> I remember one night after I'd gotten to the hospital I picked up food at a

deli which included a big old cream filled, chocolate dessert of some kind. I

was stuffing it into my face as fast as I could while listening to her talk

about our childhood and how she'd tried so hard to protect me (little sis) from

my parents abuse. She was crying as she talked about our childhood every time I

saw her. And, every visit, I would be shoving food into my face as fast as I

could to stuff the pain of watching her die, knowing she didn't know, and having

to live with parents who'd caused us so much pain and trauma and were now too

old and ignorant to even tell that their daughter was dying - while also feeling

it was all their fault.

>

> Yeah, I guess that's where I went off track with my food and when feeling full

felt better than - just about anything.

>

> Well, I'm debating about sending this because I'm sort of loathe to put stuff

this intense out there, but maybe, maybe it will help somebody somehow.

>

> It sure feels better to have run through this stuff while writing it. I've

thought about the time my sister was dying a lot but never really acknowledged

how painful and difficult it was and how much it lauched me into overeating.

>

> My parents are gone now too - but the aftermath of my sister's death and their

on-going car-crash dysfunction and denial was a real bitch to live through.

It's no wonder I've overeaten; don't know how a normal eater would have gotten

through it, but I never had their tools, apparently.

>

> Thanks, hope this doens't bum a bunch of people out. By the way, I'm now

eating some warmed up spaghetti and tea for b'fast. Tastes and feels good.

I'll see if I'm willing/able to stop at a point before near explosion... LOL

>

[Guest guest]

Everything you wrote was so beautifully real. Made me feel less ashamed of some

of my stuffing myself silly memories that really I shouldn't be shamed by

anymore. Thank you so much for sharing this. The best advice I've heard here

and in the books is " Be gentle with yourself. " Take everything slow and the

parts that you can handle one at a time. I couldn't legalize every food at

first (still haven't really), and the hunger scale was always too diety for me.

This is your journey with yourself, and I think day #1 of the journey for all of

us is the day we hear the concept of IE for the first time, whether or not we do

anything with that concept right away. There is a lot of reprogramming going on

in our brains and our stomachs and our hearts. Nothing about this for me has

been quick or instant or easy, but it has been freeing and life altering and

best of all - healing. May you find healing along the way and real comfort -

not the chocolatey cream-filled kind.

All the best to you ~

>

> Wonder if I should start counting the days that I've been not really doing IE?

And which day would count as #1?

>

> The thing that I liked about dieting (when I could still do it) was counting

being in control of the body and myself even if temporarily. Problem was, that

temporary control kept getting shorter and shorter and shorter and the diet back

lash stronger and stronger...

>

> Yesterday I had a real revelation - that I haven't legalized food at all, I've

only opened the gate temporarily while waiting to slam it shut again and throw

out all the re-criminalized food for the crows to eat.

>

> So, for a long time now I've wondered why I felt like a runaway train when

that urge to have a forbidden food arises. There was no stopping " it " as at

those times I think I could and would go through a wall to have what I want.

>

> Saturday night I suddenly got it while reading these posts. All the analysis

and " processes " I've done for all this time and I didn't realize that I was only

reacting to diet rules and the belief that I couldn't be controlled... yada yada

yada.

>

> Few months back I went to a well-respected hypnotist. I drove 70 miles to see

him and paid him $150 an hour. He was a really good therapist as therapists go

(don't get me started on that one)... But amazingly the work only fed the

rebelliousness and the illusion that there was a magic answer to all of this. A

magic answer outside of myself and one from a man who'd probably never had a

weight or eating problem himself at all. Every so often a bit of arrogance

would sneak through his perfect therapeutic demeanor - like " are you ready to

quit playing games with yourself around food?! " Yes, sir, I sure am sir - it's

all been a game for me. Just a freakin' game.

>

> No wonder my defiance was ran rampant... I didn't call him on his stuff and

instead quit the therapy. Somehow that makes sense now. We aren't meant to live

our lives from the outside in - and we aren't meant to look to others for

something as " simple " as what to eat and when to eat it. I was hoping somebody

else could help me gain control of the subconscious (i.e., me) and make it (me)

fall into line with normalcy.

>

> We live in strange, self-alienated times. I don't know if I can or will

> ever be a success at this; but I do know that I don't want to stay on

> the diet/non-diet merry-go-round the rest of my life - and I don't

> want to live by food rules day in and day out.

>

> Still, I looked at the hunger scale on the site where the free book lives (but

I can't find it) and my heart sort of sunk; it looked so complicated and I'm

typically so unconscious and/or anxious when I'm eating. The thought of

" having " to stop when I'm partially full, or not really full felt like some sort

of doom.

>

> Being full has been pretty much my only source of comfort for a bunch of years

now - and it's blunted all these emotions I haven't wanted to feel. Not that I

never feel them, it seems like I feel them all of the time and I'm tired of

feeling them.

>

> What started my real fall into the fat was when I was driving many miles every

Friday night to visit my sister when she was in the hospital. She had a

glioblastoma multiform. Very deadly. I knew she was dying but her husband

chose not to tell her and I chose to honor that, not really knowing which was

best except not feeling that his choice was a good one. Knowing also that for

many years she'd wanted to leave him, that he'd raped her at one time, but she

was afraid to leave.

>

> I was living with our old, crazy, dysfunctional parents whom " we " opted not to

tell she was dying because... that's the way my family did things and they were

so daft it would have been just another burden for me to comfort them, or

explain to them over and over and over what was going on.

>

> I remember one night after I'd gotten to the hospital I picked up food at a

deli which included a big old cream filled, chocolate dessert of some kind. I

was stuffing it into my face as fast as I could while listening to her talk

about our childhood and how she'd tried so hard to protect me (little sis) from

my parents abuse. She was crying as she talked about our childhood every time I

saw her. And, every visit, I would be shoving food into my face as fast as I

could to stuff the pain of watching her die, knowing she didn't know, and having

to live with parents who'd caused us so much pain and trauma and were now too

old and ignorant to even tell that their daughter was dying - while also feeling

it was all their fault.

>

> Yeah, I guess that's where I went off track with my food and when feeling full

felt better than - just about anything.

>

> Well, I'm debating about sending this because I'm sort of loathe to put stuff

this intense out there, but maybe, maybe it will help somebody somehow.

>

> It sure feels better to have run through this stuff while writing it. I've

thought about the time my sister was dying a lot but never really acknowledged

how painful and difficult it was and how much it lauched me into overeating.

>

> My parents are gone now too - but the aftermath of my sister's death and their

on-going car-crash dysfunction and denial was a real bitch to live through.

It's no wonder I've overeaten; don't know how a normal eater would have gotten

through it, but I never had their tools, apparently.

>

> Thanks, hope this doens't bum a bunch of people out. By the way, I'm now

eating some warmed up spaghetti and tea for b'fast. Tastes and feels good.

I'll see if I'm willing/able to stop at a point before near explosion... LOL

>