Re: Changing Thoughts

[Guest guest]

Hi, Jaie.......I'm at a similar place; I got so wound up, obsessing over it all,

re my mom, that I actually had rapid heart beating episodes........what I found

out later is called tachycardia.......that is a syptom of very high anxiety, in

most cases.  That was IT for me.............!!!  $%$#^ Her!!!!  No way am I

going to threaten my own life obsessing over my mom............!!  So.......the

only thing I can think of to do is to just let it all

go.....completely..........all of it.............over and over.

~ Alastriona ~ 

Subject: Changing Thoughts

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, December 17, 2010, 11:29 PM

After nada's latest round of abuse, I think I've finally come to the point where

I no longer have any expectations, will no longer have any hope that she might

get help and will not spend one more second wishing I had a real mother.  For

whatever reason, she is on the path she is on and so am I.  I am not a

subscriber of " deal with the abuse because it's excused due to a personality

disorder. "   Believe me, I feel really bad about the harm that she does to her

self during these attacks but the reality is, she chooses hate over treatment

and that's not my problem.  I honestly love her but I have rights too.  My

childhood was not okay and it was never okay for her to attempt to verbally and

emotionally abuse me as an adult.  I don't need that drama in my life.  There

are other dramas to contend with in this play called life and for me, the role

of nada's whipping girl is over, the role of nada's rescuer or hero are over and

the role I have played of

being a victim cheated out of a mother by some twisted deal of the cards is

over.

I do not want this negative and toxic emotion so I'm choosing to let it go. 

Telling my story again and again only reinforces the negativity and pain.  I

acknowledge the pain and I feel it but I think I just need to focus on the only

thing I have the power to control concerning her and that is my reaction to

her.  I cannot react to character assassination and criticism.  What ever she

calls me is just what she truly loathes within herself.  Her thick hatred and

jealousy are about her and I will no longer allow that behavior in my life.  I

could never say that I hate her, she is my mother.  But, I do hate her behavior

and the damage it causes to everyone around her - including her.

I learned so much from her - like how to be a good mother by what it is like to

have one that was not so good.  I'm sure she did the only things she knew how to

do whether I liked it or not or whether it hurt me or not.  The thing is, her

life is not about me and my life is not about her.  Our paths have diverged in

very different directions.  I choose health, healing and to focus on the good in

my life.  I cannot allow her to take me down any more...so, I turn her care over

to her Higher Power, to her Maker and pray that she is watched over, taken care

of in a way that can somehow facilitate her comfort.  I choose forgiveness for

the abuse that may or may not be her fault, I really don't care...I just cannot

hold onto hatred or anger because I will become her and I won't have it.

It took me a week of anger and tears but finally I'm at peace and all it took

was a change in thought (okay, and I changed my phone number...LOL).  I only

wish she could for a moment find even 5 minutes of peace and that she could some

how develop and feel the love from within.  But, it's not for me to worry about

any more.  NC is the only way that I can live and be loving with myself.  It's

the only thing that I can control.

I pray for healing for all of you.  My heart goes out to you with every post I

read.  I know that you all can find a way to cope with your relations.  I find

that if you believe it, you can make it so.

Many blessings to you all!

Jaie

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Wow this is exactly what I need to read. I was still caught up in the cycle by

trying to force a grandmother relationship. My daughter who has autism watched

HER dog get hit and killed by a car on Sunday. A good samaritan called me

because she was sitting in the middle of the road crying that " It was all her

fault. " I thought if anything good is to be had is that I can try to break this

awful thinking pattern that has been passed on about assigning blame and fault

to accidents. I think I succeeded. I sent an email to my nada from the apt

complex that talked about the accident and for people to please slow down so

that another pet won't get hit. Because my nada is mad at me, she hasn't even

responded or called my daughter. I keep expecting normal behavior from insanity.

She is so self centered that she doesn't even care about her grandchildren. So

the question becomes when will I let go of the expectations?

promise. 

Subject: Changing Thoughts

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, December 17, 2010, 11:29 PM

After nada's latest round of abuse, I think I've finally come to the point where

I no longer have any expectations, will no longer have any hope that she might

get help and will not spend one more second wishing I had a real mother.  For

whatever reason, she is on the path she is on and so am I.  I am not a

subscriber of " deal with the abuse because it's excused due to a personality

disorder. "   Believe me, I feel really bad about the harm that she does to her

self during these attacks but the reality is, she chooses hate over treatment

and that's not my problem.  I honestly love her but I have rights too.  My

childhood was not okay and it was never okay for her to attempt to verbally and

emotionally abuse me as an adult.  I don't need that drama in my life.  There

are other dramas to contend with in this play called life and for me, the role

of nada's whipping girl is over, the role of nada's rescuer or hero are over and

the role I have played of

being a victim cheated out of a mother by some twisted deal of the cards is

over.

I do not want this negative and toxic emotion so I'm choosing to let it go. 

Telling my story again and again only reinforces the negativity and pain.  I

acknowledge the pain and I feel it but I think I just need to focus on the only

thing I have the power to control concerning her and that is my reaction to

her.  I cannot react to character assassination and criticism.  What ever she

calls me is just what she truly loathes within herself.  Her thick hatred and

jealousy are about her and I will no longer allow that behavior in my life.  I

could never say that I hate her, she is my mother.  But, I do hate her behavior

and the damage it causes to everyone around her - including her.

I learned so much from her - like how to be a good mother by what it is like to

have one that was not so good.  I'm sure she did the only things she knew how

to do whether I liked it or not or whether it hurt me or not.  The thing is,

her life is not about me and my life is not about her.  Our paths have diverged

in very different directions.  I choose health, healing and to focus on the

good in my life.  I cannot allow her to take me down any more...so, I turn her

care over to her Higher Power, to her Maker and pray that she is watched over,

taken care of in a way that can somehow facilitate her comfort.  I choose

forgiveness for the abuse that may or may not be her fault, I really don't

care...I just cannot hold onto hatred or anger because I will become her and I

won't have it.

It took me a week of anger and tears but finally I'm at peace and all it took

was a change in thought (okay, and I changed my phone number...LOL).  I only

wish she could for a moment find even 5 minutes of peace and that she could some

how develop and feel the love from within.  But, it's not for me to worry about

any more.  NC is the only way that I can live and be loving with myself.  It's

the only thing that I can control.

I pray for healing for all of you.  My heart goes out to you with every post I

read.  I know that you all can find a way to cope with your relations.  I find

that if you believe it, you can make it so.

Many blessings to you all!

Jaie

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

When you have to reset expectations, you have to mourn what you wanted and

didn't get. Then you can let go and deal with what is. Lots of self-love can

get you there, staying centered and focused on what is healthy for you also

helps a great deal. It's about understanding what is and what isn't in your

power to control. You cannot control your nada. You can only control your

thoughts, feelings and expectations. With some small steps and practice,

you can get there whenever you are ready.

Ironically, my nada taught me a powerful saying once: " Consider the source

before you react. " I never knew it was her words that would help me come to

terms with her.

>

>

> Subject: Changing Thoughts

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Friday, December 17, 2010, 11:29 PM

>

> After nada's latest round of abuse, I think I've finally come to the point

where I no longer have any expectations, will no longer have any hope that she

might get help and will not spend one more second wishing I had a real mother. 

For whatever reason, she is on the path she is on and so am I.  I am not a

subscriber of " deal with the abuse because it's excused due to a personality

disorder. "   Believe me, I feel really bad about the harm that she does to her

self during these attacks but the reality is, she chooses hate over treatment

and that's not my problem.  I honestly love her but I have rights too.  My

childhood was not okay and it was never okay for her to attempt to verbally and

emotionally abuse me as an adult.  I don't need that drama in my life.  There

are other dramas to contend with in this play called life and for me, the role

of nada's whipping girl is over, the role of nada's rescuer or hero are over and

the role I have played of

> being a victim cheated out of a mother by some twisted deal of the cards is

over.

>

> I do not want this negative and toxic emotion so I'm choosing to let it go. 

Telling my story again and again only reinforces the negativity and pain.  I

acknowledge the pain and I feel it but I think I just need to focus on the only

thing I have the power to control concerning her and that is my reaction to

her.  I cannot react to character assassination and criticism.  What ever she

calls me is just what she truly loathes within herself.  Her thick hatred and

jealousy are about her and I will no longer allow that behavior in my life.  I

could never say that I hate her, she is my mother.  But, I do hate her behavior

and the damage it causes to everyone around her - including her.

>

> I learned so much from her - like how to be a good mother by what it is like

to have one that was not so good.  I'm sure she did the only things she knew

how to do whether I liked it or not or whether it hurt me or not.  The thing

is, her life is not about me and my life is not about her.  Our paths have

diverged in very different directions.  I choose health, healing and to focus

on the good in my life.  I cannot allow her to take me down any more...so, I

turn her care over to her Higher Power, to her Maker and pray that she is

watched over, taken care of in a way that can somehow facilitate her comfort. 

I choose forgiveness for the abuse that may or may not be her fault, I really

don't care...I just cannot hold onto hatred or anger because I will become her

and I won't have it.

>

> It took me a week of anger and tears but finally I'm at peace and all it took

was a change in thought (okay, and I changed my phone number...LOL).  I only

wish she could for a moment find even 5 minutes of peace and that she could some

how develop and feel the love from within.  But, it's not for me to worry about

any more.  NC is the only way that I can live and be loving with myself.  It's

the only thing that I can control.

>

> I pray for healing for all of you.  My heart goes out to you with every post

I read.  I know that you all can find a way to cope with your relations.  I

find that if you believe it, you can make it so.

>

> Many blessings to you all!

>

> Jaie

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)