Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " Thoughts anyone? K > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear K, Wow, that sure is strange! What an awkward situation to be put in, to say the least. The thing is, though, as I'm sure you already know (:-/), you can't SATISFY a BP; really it sounds like you're in a lose-lose situation here. If you ignore her, she keeps pestering you and tries to use guilt to coerce you into reconciling; if you appease her, you let some strange people into your closer life that you don't want to be involved with, something you have every right to decide on for yourself! Unfortunately, if she really is a BP, it sounds like even being direct with her might only " hurt " /offend her, and you probably don't want her wrath on the flipside of begging and pleading. If it were me instead of you, I would do what I could to stay away from them with no explanation, no response, no nothing. As you noticed yourself, if you give them even a little to go on, they'll snatch up the opportunity and run with it. But since it's your situation, it's up to you in the end; I just don't like to see people getting their boundaries disrespected Best of luck! This is a sticky situation, to be sure, Elle > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear K, Wow, that sure is strange! What an awkward situation to be put in, to say the least. The thing is, though, as I'm sure you already know (:-/), you can't SATISFY a BP; really it sounds like you're in a lose-lose situation here. If you ignore her, she keeps pestering you and tries to use guilt to coerce you into reconciling; if you appease her, you let some strange people into your closer life that you don't want to be involved with, something you have every right to decide on for yourself! Unfortunately, if she really is a BP, it sounds like even being direct with her might only " hurt " /offend her, and you probably don't want her wrath on the flipside of begging and pleading. If it were me instead of you, I would do what I could to stay away from them with no explanation, no response, no nothing. As you noticed yourself, if you give them even a little to go on, they'll snatch up the opportunity and run with it. But since it's your situation, it's up to you in the end; I just don't like to see people getting their boundaries disrespected Best of luck! This is a sticky situation, to be sure, Elle > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Dear K, Wow, that sure is strange! What an awkward situation to be put in, to say the least. The thing is, though, as I'm sure you already know (:-/), you can't SATISFY a BP; really it sounds like you're in a lose-lose situation here. If you ignore her, she keeps pestering you and tries to use guilt to coerce you into reconciling; if you appease her, you let some strange people into your closer life that you don't want to be involved with, something you have every right to decide on for yourself! Unfortunately, if she really is a BP, it sounds like even being direct with her might only " hurt " /offend her, and you probably don't want her wrath on the flipside of begging and pleading. If it were me instead of you, I would do what I could to stay away from them with no explanation, no response, no nothing. As you noticed yourself, if you give them even a little to go on, they'll snatch up the opportunity and run with it. But since it's your situation, it's up to you in the end; I just don't like to see people getting their boundaries disrespected Best of luck! This is a sticky situation, to be sure, Elle > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Oh, and I meant to add in addition to " you can't satisfy a BP, " that in this situation, it sounds like as far as her being a black hole of need that there's really no end point at which you can disconnect and say, " There, I did you that favor; our business is done here. " She'll probably just leech endlessly until you cut her off. I hope that's not the case, but it seems to be a trend with BP's > > > > > > Hi, > > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > > > > Thanks all, > > > K > > > > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Oh, and I meant to add in addition to " you can't satisfy a BP, " that in this situation, it sounds like as far as her being a black hole of need that there's really no end point at which you can disconnect and say, " There, I did you that favor; our business is done here. " She'll probably just leech endlessly until you cut her off. I hope that's not the case, but it seems to be a trend with BP's > > > > > > Hi, > > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > > > > Thanks all, > > > K > > > > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 One time someone my nada was determined to be friends with gave her the brush off in a way that worked. Though my nada still brings it up decades later and whines about it anew sometimes - but it did work. The friend said she was really busy going back to school and wouldn't be able to write with her anymore. I think part of why this worked was that the reason couldn't be construed as being personal to nada, she resented it and fumed, but somehow it being about this outer circumstance (going back to school) seemed to cause her to accept it. Your friendship statement might encourage your BP friend to want to DISCUSS how exactly your ideas about friendship are different and to try and convince you otherwise. Good luck! > > Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: > " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " > > Thoughts anyone? > > K > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 One time someone my nada was determined to be friends with gave her the brush off in a way that worked. Though my nada still brings it up decades later and whines about it anew sometimes - but it did work. The friend said she was really busy going back to school and wouldn't be able to write with her anymore. I think part of why this worked was that the reason couldn't be construed as being personal to nada, she resented it and fumed, but somehow it being about this outer circumstance (going back to school) seemed to cause her to accept it. Your friendship statement might encourage your BP friend to want to DISCUSS how exactly your ideas about friendship are different and to try and convince you otherwise. Good luck! > > Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: > " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " > > Thoughts anyone? > > K > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 I personally don't think there really is any way to distance yourself from an acquaintance you don't care to spend time with, but who wants more closeness with you, without hurting his or her feelings. If someone turns me down three times in a row (and makes no alternative plan to see me at some other, more convenient time) then to me that signals that this person is not interested in pursuing or maintaining a friendship with me. So, maybe try that approach: just never be available. -Annie > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 I personally don't think there really is any way to distance yourself from an acquaintance you don't care to spend time with, but who wants more closeness with you, without hurting his or her feelings. If someone turns me down three times in a row (and makes no alternative plan to see me at some other, more convenient time) then to me that signals that this person is not interested in pursuing or maintaining a friendship with me. So, maybe try that approach: just never be available. -Annie > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 I personally don't think there really is any way to distance yourself from an acquaintance you don't care to spend time with, but who wants more closeness with you, without hurting his or her feelings. If someone turns me down three times in a row (and makes no alternative plan to see me at some other, more convenient time) then to me that signals that this person is not interested in pursuing or maintaining a friendship with me. So, maybe try that approach: just never be available. -Annie > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Elle, & Annie, You've all posted good food for thought. This gal works in sales and now I realize that any discussion I have with her pertaining to our different expectations on friendship will result in her trying to overcome my objections. I've already tried the " I'm very busy " approach. It resulted in days of receiving her frantic texts, voice messages and emails trying to avoid abandonment. Whether she's BPD or just extremely dependent personality, I believe the only effective choice I have left is to ignore her and pray she goes away. Its not for me to try to change or fix her. That's God's job, not mine. Thanks for your input. K > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 I'd just ignore her. I'd only keep the letter if I thought I might need it for a restraining order down the road. Just ignore her - and then you can't control her reaction. If she keeps contacting you, block her number on your phone or just delete the messges without listening. > > > Elle, & Annie, > > You've all posted good food for thought. This gal works in sales and now I > realize that any discussion I have with her pertaining to our different > expectations on friendship will result in her trying to overcome my > objections. > > I've already tried the " I'm very busy " approach. It resulted in days of > receiving her frantic texts, voice messages and emails trying to avoid > abandonment. > > Whether she's BPD or just extremely dependent personality, I believe the > only effective choice I have left is to ignore her and pray she goes away. > Its not for me to try to change or fix her. That's God's job, not mine. > > Thanks for your input. > > > K > > > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept > looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. > Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps > testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text > to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and > voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to > help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband > called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our > home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they > had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all > the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from > her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now > they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from > her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to > " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me > that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and > mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives > and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her > being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and > will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is > continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 I'd just ignore her. I'd only keep the letter if I thought I might need it for a restraining order down the road. Just ignore her - and then you can't control her reaction. If she keeps contacting you, block her number on your phone or just delete the messges without listening. > > > Elle, & Annie, > > You've all posted good food for thought. This gal works in sales and now I > realize that any discussion I have with her pertaining to our different > expectations on friendship will result in her trying to overcome my > objections. > > I've already tried the " I'm very busy " approach. It resulted in days of > receiving her frantic texts, voice messages and emails trying to avoid > abandonment. > > Whether she's BPD or just extremely dependent personality, I believe the > only effective choice I have left is to ignore her and pray she goes away. > Its not for me to try to change or fix her. That's God's job, not mine. > > Thanks for your input. > > > K > > > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept > looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. > Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps > testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text > to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and > voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to > help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband > called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our > home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they > had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all > the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from > her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now > they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from > her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to > " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me > that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and > mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives > and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her > being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and > will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is > continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks, great advice! > > > > > > Hi, > > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept > > looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. > > Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps > > testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text > > to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and > > voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to > > help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband > > called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our > > home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they > > had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all > > the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from > > her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now > > they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from > > her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to > > " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me > > that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and > > mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives > > and she thought it was mutual. > > > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her > > being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and > > will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is > > continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > > > > Thanks all, > > > K > > > > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Thanks, great advice! > > > > > > Hi, > > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept > > looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. > > Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps > > testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text > > to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and > > voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to > > help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband > > called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our > > home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they > > had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all > > the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from > > her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now > > they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from > > her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to > > " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me > > that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and > > mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives > > and she thought it was mutual. > > > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her > > being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and > > will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > > > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is > > continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > > > > Thanks all, > > > K > > > > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Hi, K.........I had to let go of a friend who was very troublesome, too........I stopped answering her emails or phone messages or texts.......and she kept sending them; after a while, I felt like I was being stalked. It started out with me feeling sad but sure that I had to disconnect.....and it ended up with me feeling GLAD I did.........the way she persisted felt really *creepy* after a while. ~ Alastriona ~ Subject: Re: Bleeding Heart BPD To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2010, 4:48 PM Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " Thoughts anyone? K > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. >   > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 Hi, K.........I had to let go of a friend who was very troublesome, too........I stopped answering her emails or phone messages or texts.......and she kept sending them; after a while, I felt like I was being stalked. It started out with me feeling sad but sure that I had to disconnect.....and it ended up with me feeling GLAD I did.........the way she persisted felt really *creepy* after a while. ~ Alastriona ~ Subject: Re: Bleeding Heart BPD To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2010, 4:48 PM Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " Thoughts anyone? K > > Hi, > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. >   > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > Thanks all, > K > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 I was cyber-stalked by a former friend for over 2 years; its very frustrating and even anxiety-inducing. At the various websites for the support of stalking victims (either in-person stalking, or cyber-stalking) the standard advice is to send ONE communication, preferably a written letter sent by registered or certified mail, with a copy to your lawyer or another party as witness, stating that any contact by this individual is unwanted and unwelcome, and to cease trying to contact you. Then, that's it. Never respond again. Any further response, even a " I told you to leave me alone! " is a reward for the stalker and will encourage them to continue. With stalkers you have to play hard ball. Its important to document their attempts at contact and if they start showing up on your property or at your place of business or if they start following you around, etc., you can then get a restraining order taken out against them. And guess what? Surprise, surprise: most stalkers turn out to have one or more personality disorders or other mental illnesses. The typical stalker feels *entitled* to obsessively stalk and harass their target because they feel a sense of ownership of the individual, or the stalker self-deludes that their target secretly desires them and wants contact, or the stalker feels justified in seeking revenge against the targeted individual. Its all very creepy, I agree. -Annie > > > Subject: Re: Bleeding Heart BPD > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2010, 4:48 PM > > Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: > " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " > > Thoughts anyone? > > K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 I was cyber-stalked by a former friend for over 2 years; its very frustrating and even anxiety-inducing. At the various websites for the support of stalking victims (either in-person stalking, or cyber-stalking) the standard advice is to send ONE communication, preferably a written letter sent by registered or certified mail, with a copy to your lawyer or another party as witness, stating that any contact by this individual is unwanted and unwelcome, and to cease trying to contact you. Then, that's it. Never respond again. Any further response, even a " I told you to leave me alone! " is a reward for the stalker and will encourage them to continue. With stalkers you have to play hard ball. Its important to document their attempts at contact and if they start showing up on your property or at your place of business or if they start following you around, etc., you can then get a restraining order taken out against them. And guess what? Surprise, surprise: most stalkers turn out to have one or more personality disorders or other mental illnesses. The typical stalker feels *entitled* to obsessively stalk and harass their target because they feel a sense of ownership of the individual, or the stalker self-deludes that their target secretly desires them and wants contact, or the stalker feels justified in seeking revenge against the targeted individual. Its all very creepy, I agree. -Annie > > > Subject: Re: Bleeding Heart BPD > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2010, 4:48 PM > > Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: > " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " > > Thoughts anyone? > > K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 I was cyber-stalked by a former friend for over 2 years; its very frustrating and even anxiety-inducing. At the various websites for the support of stalking victims (either in-person stalking, or cyber-stalking) the standard advice is to send ONE communication, preferably a written letter sent by registered or certified mail, with a copy to your lawyer or another party as witness, stating that any contact by this individual is unwanted and unwelcome, and to cease trying to contact you. Then, that's it. Never respond again. Any further response, even a " I told you to leave me alone! " is a reward for the stalker and will encourage them to continue. With stalkers you have to play hard ball. Its important to document their attempts at contact and if they start showing up on your property or at your place of business or if they start following you around, etc., you can then get a restraining order taken out against them. And guess what? Surprise, surprise: most stalkers turn out to have one or more personality disorders or other mental illnesses. The typical stalker feels *entitled* to obsessively stalk and harass their target because they feel a sense of ownership of the individual, or the stalker self-deludes that their target secretly desires them and wants contact, or the stalker feels justified in seeking revenge against the targeted individual. Its all very creepy, I agree. -Annie > > > Subject: Re: Bleeding Heart BPD > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2010, 4:48 PM > > Also, wondering if its OK to say something like: > " We feel we have very different ideas and goals where friendships are concerned. " > > Thoughts anyone? > > K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Alastriona, It was pretty wierd once I began to distance myself, I just told her I was real busy and would contact her when I had the time. With that she broke out in a rash of panic stricken abandonment-itis, leaving me message upon message, sometimes 3 in one day. I just ignored her and when she kept it up I told her she needed to " lighten up " . She wrote me back to say " I am lighten up! " , then proceeded to lay a bunch of guilt on me for not returning her calls. " I wrote back to say " I'm sorry you feel that way. " and let it go. She's had her husband call mine a few weeks ago, and if they talk, the very next day she contacts me again. Creepy is right. In the beginning the 4 of us had some good times together and I too feel sad that evolved into a one-sided relationship. But looking back there were subtle signs from the start that she was a user, I just didn't dwell on them.....as a KO, I sometimes think my red flag radar is broken beyond repair. Live and learn! Today I blocked both her and her husband from my facebook account because I've been wondering whether or not she's been cyber stalking me, and she most likely was. Maybe this will help send the message that I've shut the door. K > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > >   > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Alastriona, It was pretty wierd once I began to distance myself, I just told her I was real busy and would contact her when I had the time. With that she broke out in a rash of panic stricken abandonment-itis, leaving me message upon message, sometimes 3 in one day. I just ignored her and when she kept it up I told her she needed to " lighten up " . She wrote me back to say " I am lighten up! " , then proceeded to lay a bunch of guilt on me for not returning her calls. " I wrote back to say " I'm sorry you feel that way. " and let it go. She's had her husband call mine a few weeks ago, and if they talk, the very next day she contacts me again. Creepy is right. In the beginning the 4 of us had some good times together and I too feel sad that evolved into a one-sided relationship. But looking back there were subtle signs from the start that she was a user, I just didn't dwell on them.....as a KO, I sometimes think my red flag radar is broken beyond repair. Live and learn! Today I blocked both her and her husband from my facebook account because I've been wondering whether or not she's been cyber stalking me, and she most likely was. Maybe this will help send the message that I've shut the door. K > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > >   > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Alastriona, It was pretty wierd once I began to distance myself, I just told her I was real busy and would contact her when I had the time. With that she broke out in a rash of panic stricken abandonment-itis, leaving me message upon message, sometimes 3 in one day. I just ignored her and when she kept it up I told her she needed to " lighten up " . She wrote me back to say " I am lighten up! " , then proceeded to lay a bunch of guilt on me for not returning her calls. " I wrote back to say " I'm sorry you feel that way. " and let it go. She's had her husband call mine a few weeks ago, and if they talk, the very next day she contacts me again. Creepy is right. In the beginning the 4 of us had some good times together and I too feel sad that evolved into a one-sided relationship. But looking back there were subtle signs from the start that she was a user, I just didn't dwell on them.....as a KO, I sometimes think my red flag radar is broken beyond repair. Live and learn! Today I blocked both her and her husband from my facebook account because I've been wondering whether or not she's been cyber stalking me, and she most likely was. Maybe this will help send the message that I've shut the door. K > > > > Hi, > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > >   > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > Thanks all, > > K > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 Received two more emails from her yesterday, one was just a forwarded thing, the other a request for me to call and talk to her. Not going to happen and she needs to move along. The more she persists the more convinced I am that this is one unhealthy person whom I never want in my life again. K > > > > > > Hi, > > > A while back I posted about an annoying " friend " and her husband who kept looking to my husband and I to help meet their personal and business needs. Several of you identified her as a BPD. > > > > > > We've set boundaries and have kept our distance from them, but she keeps testing. After no contact for weeks, she sent a nice Happy Thanksgiving text to my phone, to which I replied. But the very next day I got emails and voice messages once again asking me to have my husband call her husband to help him with a vehicle problem, which we ignored. Last week her husband called to " chat " with mine and to get a feel if they'd be invited to our home for Christmas again this year. They joined us last year because they had no where else to go. Now I see why! My husband said I was handling all the Christmas plans and left it at that. The next day I got an email from her, and I told my husband that he went and fed them some attention and now they're back for more. Just like feeding a stray. > > > > > > Today we received a Christmas card with no return address....it was from her of course. Inside was a lengthy note expressing her desire to " reconcile " our relationship, and she just can't fathom what she said to me that caused such distance and begging won't I please find it in my heart and mind to give her a call, after all we were such a blessing in their lives and she thought it was mutual. > > > > > > I know from experience with other BPDs, I can't really be frank about her being a " black hole of need " because she'll never see it or admit to it and will only set myself up to be the target of vengeful behavior. > > >   > > > Wondered if anyone out there knows of a way to send her on her way or is continuing to ignore her the best approach? > > > > > > > > > Thanks all, > > > K > > > > > > > > > Is there an alternative I may be missing? > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @ DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. > > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe > > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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