Re: Surviving the Holidays

[Guest guest]

How about not exchanging gifts at all?

That's the arrangement my BPDm came up with when she was irritated at my dad's

brother and SIL (classic NPD/BPD couple). According to mom, she went to all

this trouble to find them something really nice that they would love, but they

always just gave her " crap " gifts. So she finally asked them just to stop

exchanging presents with us. I know from experience that my mother has never

taken the time to make a thoughtful purchase, ever...just sends my dad to the

store at the last minute or buys whatever the salesman says is popular. So your

situation sounds familiar.

I think you are right that professional counseling would be a wonderful

help--but not with his mother. Either just you or just your husband or the both

of you together to talk about what it does to your relationship. Unfortunately,

you can't make someone go to counseling if they don't want to go. For me,

therapy taught me the skills I needed to be able to interact with my parents and

communicate my personal limits, without taking their bait and exploding in

anger. If your husband isn't willing to go to counseling, I recommend you

consider seeking some for yourself. It might still really help.

I realized that my mother would pick fights in order to provoke me to " snap "

something back at her. I think she does this because she needed it to be

someone else's fault (mine) that she feels like crap, instead of having to deal

with the fact that it could be her own problem. I wonder if you think that

makes sense to your situation.

There is nothing you can do to make the BPD craziness stop, other than decide

that it doesn't belong in your life or your house. And, it will never make

sense. People with BPD understand life according to their emotion at the

moment, not according to objective or rational truth. Nothing you will do will

ever be good enough--even if it's exactly what they asked for.

KT

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

How about not exchanging gifts at all?

That's the arrangement my BPDm came up with when she was irritated at my dad's

brother and SIL (classic NPD/BPD couple). According to mom, she went to all

this trouble to find them something really nice that they would love, but they

always just gave her " crap " gifts. So she finally asked them just to stop

exchanging presents with us. I know from experience that my mother has never

taken the time to make a thoughtful purchase, ever...just sends my dad to the

store at the last minute or buys whatever the salesman says is popular. So your

situation sounds familiar.

I think you are right that professional counseling would be a wonderful

help--but not with his mother. Either just you or just your husband or the both

of you together to talk about what it does to your relationship. Unfortunately,

you can't make someone go to counseling if they don't want to go. For me,

therapy taught me the skills I needed to be able to interact with my parents and

communicate my personal limits, without taking their bait and exploding in

anger. If your husband isn't willing to go to counseling, I recommend you

consider seeking some for yourself. It might still really help.

I realized that my mother would pick fights in order to provoke me to " snap "

something back at her. I think she does this because she needed it to be

someone else's fault (mine) that she feels like crap, instead of having to deal

with the fact that it could be her own problem. I wonder if you think that

makes sense to your situation.

There is nothing you can do to make the BPD craziness stop, other than decide

that it doesn't belong in your life or your house. And, it will never make

sense. People with BPD understand life according to their emotion at the

moment, not according to objective or rational truth. Nothing you will do will

ever be good enough--even if it's exactly what they asked for.

KT

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

How about not exchanging gifts at all?

That's the arrangement my BPDm came up with when she was irritated at my dad's

brother and SIL (classic NPD/BPD couple). According to mom, she went to all

this trouble to find them something really nice that they would love, but they

always just gave her " crap " gifts. So she finally asked them just to stop

exchanging presents with us. I know from experience that my mother has never

taken the time to make a thoughtful purchase, ever...just sends my dad to the

store at the last minute or buys whatever the salesman says is popular. So your

situation sounds familiar.

I think you are right that professional counseling would be a wonderful

help--but not with his mother. Either just you or just your husband or the both

of you together to talk about what it does to your relationship. Unfortunately,

you can't make someone go to counseling if they don't want to go. For me,

therapy taught me the skills I needed to be able to interact with my parents and

communicate my personal limits, without taking their bait and exploding in

anger. If your husband isn't willing to go to counseling, I recommend you

consider seeking some for yourself. It might still really help.

I realized that my mother would pick fights in order to provoke me to " snap "

something back at her. I think she does this because she needed it to be

someone else's fault (mine) that she feels like crap, instead of having to deal

with the fact that it could be her own problem. I wonder if you think that

makes sense to your situation.

There is nothing you can do to make the BPD craziness stop, other than decide

that it doesn't belong in your life or your house. And, it will never make

sense. People with BPD understand life according to their emotion at the

moment, not according to objective or rational truth. Nothing you will do will

ever be good enough--even if it's exactly what they asked for.

KT

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Bizymom,

Its uncanny how similar the behaviors of those with bpd can be, sometimes. I

was getting those " deja vu " feelings reading your post.

My nada has a history of not liking presents I get for her, no matter how hard

I'd try to please her something was always wrong with it unless I'd gone to

extraordinary lengths and expense to get her something I couldn't really afford,

or was in some way unique (and unrepeatable.)

So, I simply gave up. There is no pleasing the unpleasable. She gets a gift

card now to one of her favorite stores, and I don't even know if she uses them,

tosses them, gives them away, or what. I have chosen " one way " contact. I

don't accept her calls or cards, but I send her a card a few times a year.

That's all I can currently tolerate.

There are a lot of good books out there now about borderline personality

disorder, so maybe your husband would benefit from reading " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " or " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , or Randi Kreger's

" Eggshell " books. Those have good pointers about setting and maintaining

boundaries.

The hard parts are:

(a) To stop feeling responsible for the pd person's feelings, and stop feeling

like you have caused her (or him) to be disordered and miserable. You didn't

cause her to be mentally ill, and you can't cure her; you don't have the power

to do that. Any guilt you feel in this regard is misplaced and inappropriate

(most of us were raised to feel inappropriately responsible for how our parents

feel and how they treat us.)

( To start feeling that it is OK for you to set boundaries with your pd

parent. That is the only power you *do* have: to decide what behaviors you will

or will not tolerate, and to not beat yourself up for needing to have

reasonable, rational boundaries with someone who is mentally ill and abusive.

Setting a boundary isn't about telling the person with bpd what to do, its about

deciding how *you* will react to abusive behaviors.

For example, if your bpd mil phones you in an agitated or angry state (she is

emotionally dysregulated) you can say something like:

" I can hear that you are upset, and I can't talk with you when you are upset; we

can try again later when you are feeling calmer. I'm hanging up now, 'bye. "

(repeat, and be consistent. Crying and hysterics will not be listened to )

or:

" When you scream at me and call me bad names I won't listen to you. I'm hanging

up now, 'bye. "

or if she calls to complain bitterly about how thoughtless your gift was:

" I can hear that you are disappointed. I'm sorry but that's the best I can do. "

(Do not add any arguing or explaining. Just repeat like a broken record: " Yes,

I understand. I can see how that was disappointing to you. Its the best I can

do. It is sad, yes. I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do... etc. " )

Its hard to become completely emotionally detached; I'm still working on it,

myself.

You and your husband sound like you have a lot of stamina; I had all the

patience and stamina leached out of me, and virtual No Contact is all I can

manage for the time being. I hope you find something that works for you.

-Annie

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

My mom tried her hardest to make me emotionally detach from those I loved.

But, ironically, it worked in my feelings for her.

I am numb with her. I still care about her and hope that she is ok in her world,

but I have lost my feelings for her.

When she praises me now...I am numb.

When she tells me she misses me...I am numb.

When she hugs me with her weird short hugs...I am numb.

Unfortunately, what she tried to get me to do with others, has backfired and

only works in her direction.

I wish it didn't have to be this way...but it is what it is.

Amy

did you get a chance to look at ThePass.me? it could be very soothing and

helpful.

Re: Surviving the Holidays

Hi Bizymom,

Its uncanny how similar the behaviors of those with bpd can be, sometimes. I

was getting those " deja vu " feelings reading your post.

My nada has a history of not liking presents I get for her, no matter how hard

I'd try to please her something was always wrong with it unless I'd gone to

extraordinary lengths and expense to get her something I couldn't really afford,

or was in some way unique (and unrepeatable.)

So, I simply gave up. There is no pleasing the unpleasable. She gets a gift

card now to one of her favorite stores, and I don't even know if she uses them,

tosses them, gives them away, or what. I have chosen " one way " contact. I

don't accept her calls or cards, but I send her a card a few times a year.

That's all I can currently tolerate.

There are a lot of good books out there now about borderline personality

disorder, so maybe your husband would benefit from reading " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " or " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , or Randi Kreger's

" Eggshell " books. Those have good pointers about setting and maintaining

boundaries.

The hard parts are:

(a) To stop feeling responsible for the pd person's feelings, and stop feeling

like you have caused her (or him) to be disordered and miserable. You didn't

cause her to be mentally ill, and you can't cure her; you don't have the power

to do that. Any guilt you feel in this regard is misplaced and inappropriate

(most of us were raised to feel inappropriately responsible for how our parents

feel and how they treat us.)

( To start feeling that it is OK for you to set boundaries with your pd

parent. That is the only power you *do* have: to decide what behaviors you will

or will not tolerate, and to not beat yourself up for needing to have

reasonable, rational boundaries with someone who is mentally ill and abusive.

Setting a boundary isn't about telling the person with bpd what to do, its about

deciding how *you* will react to abusive behaviors.

For example, if your bpd mil phones you in an agitated or angry state (she is

emotionally dysregulated) you can say something like:

" I can hear that you are upset, and I can't talk with you when you are upset; we

can try again later when you are feeling calmer. I'm hanging up now, 'bye. "

(repeat, and be consistent. Crying and hysterics will not be listened to )

or:

" When you scream at me and call me bad names I won't listen to you. I'm hanging

up now, 'bye. "

or if she calls to complain bitterly about how thoughtless your gift was:

" I can hear that you are disappointed. I'm sorry but that's the best I can do. "

(Do not add any arguing or explaining. Just repeat like a broken record: " Yes,

I understand. I can see how that was disappointing to you. Its the best I can

do. It is sad, yes. I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do... etc. " )

Its hard to become completely emotionally detached; I'm still working on it,

myself.

You and your husband sound like you have a lot of stamina; I had all the

patience and stamina leached out of me, and virtual No Contact is all I can

manage for the time being. I hope you find something that works for you.

-Annie

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

My mom tried her hardest to make me emotionally detach from those I loved.

But, ironically, it worked in my feelings for her.

I am numb with her. I still care about her and hope that she is ok in her world,

but I have lost my feelings for her.

When she praises me now...I am numb.

When she tells me she misses me...I am numb.

When she hugs me with her weird short hugs...I am numb.

Unfortunately, what she tried to get me to do with others, has backfired and

only works in her direction.

I wish it didn't have to be this way...but it is what it is.

Amy

did you get a chance to look at ThePass.me ? it could be very soothing and

helpful.

It's my way of making sense of things.

Re: Surviving the Holidays

Hi Bizymom,

Its uncanny how similar the behaviors of those with bpd can be, sometimes. I

was getting those " deja vu " feelings reading your post.

My nada has a history of not liking presents I get for her, no matter how hard

I'd try to please her something was always wrong with it unless I'd gone to

extraordinary lengths and expense to get her something I couldn't really afford,

or was in some way unique (and unrepeatable.)

So, I simply gave up. There is no pleasing the unpleasable. She gets a gift

card now to one of her favorite stores, and I don't even know if she uses them,

tosses them, gives them away, or what. I have chosen " one way " contact. I

don't accept her calls or cards, but I send her a card a few times a year.

That's all I can currently tolerate.

There are a lot of good books out there now about borderline personality

disorder, so maybe your husband would benefit from reading " Understanding The

Borderline Mother " or " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , or Randi Kreger's

" Eggshell " books. Those have good pointers about setting and maintaining

boundaries.

The hard parts are:

(a) To stop feeling responsible for the pd person's feelings, and stop feeling

like you have caused her (or him) to be disordered and miserable. You didn't

cause her to be mentally ill, and you can't cure her; you don't have the power

to do that. Any guilt you feel in this regard is misplaced and inappropriate

(most of us were raised to feel inappropriately responsible for how our parents

feel and how they treat us.)

( To start feeling that it is OK for you to set boundaries with your pd

parent. That is the only power you *do* have: to decide what behaviors you will

or will not tolerate, and to not beat yourself up for needing to have

reasonable, rational boundaries with someone who is mentally ill and abusive.

Setting a boundary isn't about telling the person with bpd what to do, its about

deciding how *you* will react to abusive behaviors.

For example, if your bpd mil phones you in an agitated or angry state (she is

emotionally dysregulated) you can say something like:

" I can hear that you are upset, and I can't talk with you when you are upset; we

can try again later when you are feeling calmer. I'm hanging up now, 'bye. "

(repeat, and be consistent. Crying and hysterics will not be listened to )

or:

" When you scream at me and call me bad names I won't listen to you. I'm hanging

up now, 'bye. "

or if she calls to complain bitterly about how thoughtless your gift was:

" I can hear that you are disappointed. I'm sorry but that's the best I can do. "

(Do not add any arguing or explaining. Just repeat like a broken record: " Yes,

I understand. I can see how that was disappointing to you. Its the best I can

do. It is sad, yes. I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do... etc. " )

Its hard to become completely emotionally detached; I'm still working on it,

myself.

You and your husband sound like you have a lot of stamina; I had all the

patience and stamina leached out of me, and virtual No Contact is all I can

manage for the time being. I hope you find something that works for you.

-Annie

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes - needy nadas who are never satisfied whatever we did - living hell :-))

Can you imagine what would happen if we would just sent them a Christmas card

where it wold be written:

" Dear XY.

We were thinking hard to find the best gift in the world for you. But we

realized that we have always made you so much trouble with our gifts doesn't

matter how hard we tried. We don't want to hurt you anymore because we care for

you too much so this year we are sending you just our deepest love.

Merry Christsnass for you!

:-)

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes - needy nadas who are never satisfied whatever we did - living hell :-))

Can you imagine what would happen if we would just sent them a Christmas card

where it wold be written:

" Dear XY.

We were thinking hard to find the best gift in the world for you. But we

realized that we have always made you so much trouble with our gifts doesn't

matter how hard we tried. We don't want to hurt you anymore because we care for

you too much so this year we are sending you just our deepest love.

Merry Christsnass for you!

:-)

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes - needy nadas who are never satisfied whatever we did - living hell :-))

Can you imagine what would happen if we would just sent them a Christmas card

where it wold be written:

" Dear XY.

We were thinking hard to find the best gift in the world for you. But we

realized that we have always made you so much trouble with our gifts doesn't

matter how hard we tried. We don't want to hurt you anymore because we care for

you too much so this year we are sending you just our deepest love.

Merry Christsnass for you!

:-)

>

> A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

>

> *******

>

> I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> year will be no exception.

>

> I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> we just wait for the return fire.

>

> Here's the scoop:

>

> We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about 2

> years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and having

> her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our home

> always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family that

> lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely BPD,

> but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of being

> able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

>

> There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk. She

> asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

>

> I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> It's never good enough.

>

> I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last year

> she promised to mail them and never did.

>

> So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got her

a

> gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the gifts

> up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early " so

> she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top of

> what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> Wolfermans.

>

> The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> husband began. They go something like this:

>

> " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> wrong gift. "

>

> " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

>

> " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

>

> " Why did you think it was odd? "

>

> " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why are

> you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your house?

> Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift. I

> wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

>

> Blah,blah, blah.

>

> Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled with

> dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

>

> My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> gasoline on the fire.

>

> What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> but he wants no part of it.

>

> Any advice? Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

How I would love to send her that! Maybe that's what I will do for her follow

up gift.... I think you may be on to something.

> >

> > A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

> >

> > *******

> >

> > I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> > months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> > year will be no exception.

> >

> > I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> > insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> > again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> > behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> > we just wait for the return fire.

> >

> > Here's the scoop:

> >

> > We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> > holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about

2

> > years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and

having

> > her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our

home

> > always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> > up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> > overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family

that

> > lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely

BPD,

> > but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of

being

> > able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> > " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> > proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

> >

> > There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> > $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> > her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk.

She

> > asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

> >

> > I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> > them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> > It's never good enough.

> >

> > I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> > years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last

year

> > she promised to mail them and never did.

> >

> > So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> > together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> > Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got

her a

> > gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> > pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> > we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the

gifts

> > up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> > after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early "

so

> > she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top

of

> > what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> > Wolfermans.

> >

> > The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> > husband began. They go something like this:

> >

> > " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> > wrong gift. "

> >

> > " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

> >

> > " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

> >

> > " Why did you think it was odd? "

> >

> > " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> > Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> > source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why

are

> > you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your

house?

> > Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift.

I

> > wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

> >

> > Blah,blah, blah.

> >

> > Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> > got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled

with

> > dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> > What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> > lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

> >

> > My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> > gasoline on the fire.

> >

> > What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> > it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> > but he wants no part of it.

> >

> > Any advice? Thanks in advance.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

How I would love to send her that! Maybe that's what I will do for her follow

up gift.... I think you may be on to something.

> >

> > A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

> >

> > *******

> >

> > I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> > months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> > year will be no exception.

> >

> > I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> > insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> > again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> > behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> > we just wait for the return fire.

> >

> > Here's the scoop:

> >

> > We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> > holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about

2

> > years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and

having

> > her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our

home

> > always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> > up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> > overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family

that

> > lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely

BPD,

> > but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of

being

> > able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> > " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> > proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

> >

> > There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> > $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> > her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk.

She

> > asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

> >

> > I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> > them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> > It's never good enough.

> >

> > I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> > years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last

year

> > she promised to mail them and never did.

> >

> > So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> > together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> > Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got

her a

> > gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> > pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> > we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the

gifts

> > up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> > after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early "

so

> > she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top

of

> > what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> > Wolfermans.

> >

> > The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> > husband began. They go something like this:

> >

> > " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> > wrong gift. "

> >

> > " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

> >

> > " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

> >

> > " Why did you think it was odd? "

> >

> > " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> > Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> > source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why

are

> > you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your

house?

> > Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift.

I

> > wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

> >

> > Blah,blah, blah.

> >

> > Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> > got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled

with

> > dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> > What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> > lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

> >

> > My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> > gasoline on the fire.

> >

> > What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> > it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> > but he wants no part of it.

> >

> > Any advice? Thanks in advance.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

How I would love to send her that! Maybe that's what I will do for her follow

up gift.... I think you may be on to something.

> >

> > A few months ago I found WTO - but guess I was in the forum for non-BPD

partners. I finally realized there was one for Adult Children of BPDs. Here's

a copy of what I posted in the other forum. Hope you can help.

> >

> > *******

> >

> > I haven't been on in a while because my BPD MIL has been quiet for about 2.5

> > months. Christmas has always resulted in a major episode and it looks like

this

> > year will be no exception.

> >

> > I found this group a few months ago and you all have given me some great

> > insights and have helped me help my husband cope. Now that it is starting

> > again, I've urged my husband to ignore the emails and not engage in the BPD

> > behavior. He thought he could ignore them, but today he finally snapped. Now

> > we just wait for the return fire.

> >

> > Here's the scoop:

> >

> > We won't be seeing my MIL for Xmas this year. We haven't seen her for the

> > holidays in over 5 years. In actuality, we haven't seen her at all in about

2

> > years. This is largely due to the fact that she lives 4 hours away and

having

> > her spend an extended period of time (as in more than a few hours) at our

home

> > always leads to her yelling, screaming and crying. One of the boundaries we

set

> > up (before we found this site and even thought of it as a boundary) was no

> > overnight visits. Period. Since she has alienated all of her other family

that

> > lives near us, she spends Christmas with my sister-in-law (also a likely

BPD,

> > but not nearly as bad) who lives 10 minutes away from her. This lack of

being

> > able to spend Xmas with us always results in guilt trips and her asking that

we

> > " give her a chance to show she has changed " followed by an immediate lashing

out

> > proving that, in fact, nothing has changed at all.

> >

> > There's a long history of Christmas gift disasters. One year we bought her a

> > $300+ pendant and she complained she wanted more gifts. The next year we

bought

> > her a lot of presents of smaller value and she complained they were junk.

She

> > asks what we got my mother and claims she is always getting the short end.

> >

> > I've tried thoughtful, sentimental gifts. I've tried gift cards so she can

pick

> > them out herself. I've tried asking her what she wants. It doesn't matter.

> > It's never good enough.

> >

> > I should add she hasn't given me (fine) or my husband (her son) a gift in 5

> > years. She generally does send gifts for her grandchildren, although last

year

> > she promised to mail them and never did.

> >

> > So, here we are in 2010. My husband pointed out this is our 20th Christmas

> > together. All I could think of is " Really? 20 ruined or almost ruined

> > Christmases???? " I had trouble with MIL's gifts again this year, so I got

her a

> > gift certificate to Amazon.com since she shops there all the time, framed

> > pictures of the kids, a CD of current pictures of us to add to the digital

frame

> > we bought her 2 years ago and a nice pair of earrings. I always send the

gifts

> > up with my father-in-law (they are divorced) who goes up to see SIL the day

> > after Xmas. Last year she emailed and asked that we send her gifts " early "

so

> > she didn't have to wait. This year, I decided to send an early gift on top

of

> > what I had already gotten her - a basket of english muffins and jams from

> > Wolfermans.

> >

> > The basket was delivered on Friday. By Saturday morning, the emails to my

> > husband began. They go something like this:

> >

> > " Can you tell me what [WIFE/DIL/ME] sent me? I think I must have gotten the

> > wrong gift. "

> >

> > " Do you mean the basket from Wolfermans? "

> >

> > " Yes, I thought that was an odd gift from you and your family. "

> >

> > " Why did you think it was odd? "

> >

> > " Because it is so impersonal and shows that I mean nothing to your family.

> > Every gift [WIFE/DIL/ME] picks out is just another example of how she is the

> > source of all of our problems. You've ruined another Christmas for me. Why

are

> > you taking my grandchildren away from me? Why can't I come stay at your

house?

> > Why do you enjoy making me miserable? I put a lot of thought into your gift.

I

> > wish you had done the same. Enjoy! "

> >

> > Blah,blah, blah.

> >

> > Well today, her package arrived. She mailed it on Friday (presumably before

she

> > got ours.) In the irony of all ironies, she sent us a food basket filled

with

> > dips and salsas. Our muffin basket was impersonal but hers was thoughtful?

> > What am I missing here? (To be clear, I have no issue with her gift - it is

> > lovely. We will even send her a thank you note despite what is going on.)

> >

> > My husband couldn't take it and snapped back. I know it is like pouring

> > gasoline on the fire.

> >

> > What advice can I give my husband to help him cope with this? He is so hurt

and

> > it kills me to see it do this to him. I think it is time for professional

help,

> > but he wants no part of it.

> >

> > Any advice? Thanks in advance.

> >

>