Re: So Fed Up

[Guest guest]

62 is the new 30!!! I wouldn't worry about it - enjoy your life! It's yours,

not hers XO Girlscout

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> My Nada has never been officially diagnosed, but my husband and I are

> pretty sure she has BPD. One Christmas, she wanted to come visit us, and we

> agreed. She showed up, with a bunch of garbage bags full of her stuff, her

> husband dropped her off at our house, because he was going up north to visit

> his children and grandchildren. She tells us after she is in our tiny house

> with all this stuff, that she's leaving him. After 5 days of her ruining our

> Christmas with her erratic behavior, I finally called her husband and told

> him what was going on. Guess what? He had NO IDEA that she was leaving him.

> When we called her on her lie, she wanted to go to a motel, so we took her

> to one, even though she did not have a car, because she insisted. The very

> next day she called sounding pitiful and told us she was " sick " and had left

> her cooler at our house, which we took to her, but I made my husband take it

> to her room because by that point, I was beyond fed up. Then, a day later,

> her husband came and got her and they've been as happy as clams ever since.

> I really don't understand why she would do all that and ruin our Christmas

> if not just for attention. After that incident, we are leery of having her

> visit us, because we never know what to expect. I didn't invite or tell her

> I was getting married, and it broke my heart because sometimes she acts

> normal, and every mother wants to see their daughter get married, right? But

> it was too big of a risk to take, and she probably would have ruined our

> wedding and made it all about her, and I would be a terrible person for

> saying anything about her behavior. There are many other incidents besides

> these I could tell about, but I would be here typing all day. I really want

> to go NC with her, but she's 62, and I worry about her. I'm the only child,

> and her husband is 10 years older than her. When he dies, I don't know what

> she will do. The thought of her moving near me makes me sick at my stomach,

> because she is so destructive. Has anyone else on here had to make this kind

> of decision? I know we are supposed to help take care of our parents when

> they get older, but she would destroy me and my marriage and love every

> minute of it if she could. I am open to any suggestions. I really like being

> a part of this message board and reading everyone's stories. I don't feel so

> isolated when I know there are MANY others out there that have to deal with

> this on a daily basis.

>

>

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[Guest guest]

My parents are in their mid-60s and live far away. If they don't want their

church or friends to take care of them when they're incapable, then they can

pick out a nursing home. They're not moving in with me, and I'm not going to

put myself in the position of being the one she calls every time she has a

health " crisis. "

My mom has " offered " to move closer to me a few times. I have told her every

time that she and dad are adults and can live wherever they want, but it won't

change how often I'm willing to see them. If your nada moves near you--and I

understand how much anxiety even thinking about that can produce--you can still

set and maintain boundaries, even NC if you want.

There's no reason your nada has to stay in your house. You can ask her to

always find her own hotel when she comes. Also, communicate ahead of time

exactly how long you are willing for her to visit. If she throws a fit about

it, a visit of exactly 0 minutes would be appropriate.

kt

IN wtoadultchildren1 , " Audrey " wrote:

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks. Great advice! I have a hard time with boundaries and I have been

learning now that I'm in my 30's that it's ok to express what I am comfortable

with. I just have to remember that.

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